China Eats American

By Lex October 28, 2014 @ 12:41 PM

Nicole Kidman, Jessica Alba, Morgan Freeman, Chris Evans, Kenny G On The Red Carpet At Mission Hills World Celebrity Pro-Am
When it’s time to dial up Americana for your big Chinese golf tournament, your party invite plan immediately moves to Morgan Freeman, Chris Evans, and Kenny G. That’s God, Captain America, and a fey alto sax player to make the lingering Communist propagandists happy in their mockery of the U.S. You also invite Jessica Alba because half a billion dudes in China want to bang her too. I can’t imagine how much cash it took to bring these celebrities in formal wear to a golf course in Shenzen, but if you didn’t pay the extra two mill to see Jessica flash her tits at the 19th hole bar, you wasted all the rest.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Jessica Alba Is Now Just Gloating

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 11:58 AM

Jessica Alba Wears Tight Jeans While Promoting The Honest Co
The more aw shucks Jessica gives on her Honest Company is worth a fucking billion dollars road tour the more I can’t help but feel she’s giving the middle finger to America. You should feel a little karma blessed when mommies on the westside of everywhere are getting your Ebola free diapers delivered to their homes on recurring monthly charges. Alba’s downplaying of hysterical mom market domination is equivalent to pretending her ass doesn’t look amazing in her tight jeans. Aw shucks, I just try to find something that fits my mom body. Aw shucks, my eco-awesome ass wipes venture is now worth a gazillion. Aw shucks, I can’t act but I’m in four films coming out in 2015 because I’m hot and every creature in this world with descended balls wants to have me. Just say it, woman. Nobody voted for Romney because he apologized for his seven mansions and awesome magic underwear. America secretly loves a gloater. Call yourself queen bitch and order all the ugly people to eat your shit. You won’t believe how well that works.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Jessica Alba’s Company Now Worth A Billion

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 2:23 PM

Jessica Alba Wears Tight Jeans While Walking With Friend in LA
Jessica Alba used to be good looking. Now she’s good looking and her chemical-free Westside mommy products company just got a one billion dollar valuation. She makes a shitload of money selling diapers and ointments to hyper concerned parents who believe this will turn their baby Jacobs and Madisons into glorious riders on the wind. Also, doctors and Google executives. Sadly, just like in the day when Dow chemical gave us certain ball cancer five decades down the road, Honest diapers and shampoos won’t make your kids grow up any happier or smarter or more successful. It will simply make them too good for Target underwear. Six pairs for twenty-five buck and I am living like a fucking king. I guarantee you Jacob will be asking for an increase in his adult allowance at 28 to keep himself in high hemp thread count man panties.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Jessica Alba Made Another Movie

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 2:24 PM

Jaime King And Jessica Alba At The Premiere For 'Sin City- A Dame To Kill For' In Hollywood
Jessica Alba has been telling everybody who will listen and owns a ladies magazine that she’s finally become confident with her own sexuality. I too am finally confident with her sexuality. I bet the journey was more rigorous for her. In honor of our mutual desire to touch her repeatedly in her privates, I’m inviting a half-dozen Northeastern liberal arts college girls to watch the women in Sin City 2 portray empowered devious strippers who get beaten and screwed and maybe find strong men to stick up for them. We’ll all have a good laugh after the film as feminists draw me into the alley way for an emasculating assault.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, Getty

Jessica Alba Takes Ownership of Her Body

By Lex August 06, 2014 @ 9:12 AM

Jessica Alba Leaves The Trump SoHo Hotel
It’s that time for the publicity cozy press outlets to once more pretend Jessica Alba is an actress.  She tells E! Online in an explosively insipid interview that she regrets her past safe movie role choices and is only now taking control over her sexual persona and stupendous tits:

I just have an ownership of my body and of myself as a woman that I didn’t really have before. I know who I am, I’m confident in my sexuality and now it’s not so much of a departure from myself when I have to do photo shoots or play a character.

Jessica Alba has been cursed from the very beginning by being successful with just her good looks. I can’t imagine how horrible it is to spend the millions you make simply by being hot when you were hoping it would be from your acting abilities, or maybe being an astronaut or renowned metallurgist. Alba says ten years ago she was a tomboy just pretending to be sexy. Now she really is feeling womanly and sexy. I’m also feeling sexy about her. I think our emotions are dovetailing. Jessica Alba seems far too confident to sleep around simply because she hates herself. That’s truly unfortunate.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News

Jessica Alba in A Bikini

By Lex July 14, 2014 @ 1:09 PM

Jessica Alba In A Black And White Bikini At The Beach In Cancun
I enjoy the freedom of being able to say, look at Jessica Alba’s tits and ass in her bikini. Every other entertainment site has to headline Jessica Alba sizzles or Jessics Alba looks romantic or some shit like that to pretend they’re showing you pictures of Jessica Alba’s tits and ass under a fashion news mandate. How the fuck do you even look romantic? I know what constipated looks like. I guess I could just imagine the opposite.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash