Jessica Alba Can Make You Beautiful Too

By Lex March 06, 2015 @ 10:38 AM

Jessica Alba Leggy For Braun Campaign
Jessica Alba sharing her beauty secrets is like Clayton Kershaw showing you his curveball grip. Don’t clear space for the Cy Young on your mantle just yet. Alba’s in Dubai pushing the Braun shaver for ladies because apparently the only thing standing between you and being an A-list Hollywood movie star is stubble. The star of eleven bad movies and her team of stylists on the Braun campaign realize they’re selling snake oil, but they’re doing their best to couch it:

We believe women should never have to compromise on their style because they are not beauty ready.

That probably could’ve used a bit more couching. Though I am stealing that term ‘not beauty ready’ so people will screaming at me for calling their kids ugly.

Nobody really wants to hear that you’re born with your looks. I’m sorry your parents weren’t attractive, maybe dad took you to a ball game. Focus on the good times and give Jessica Alba some money so she’ll leave your party. Beauty isn’t about smooth legs, it’s about lack of competition.

Photo Credit: Braun

Jessica Alba Imbeds Things

By Matt January 27, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

JA

If the first thing you notice about this photo is that coconut water you’ve been watching too much TV. Jessica Alba posted a photo of herself pretending to do yoga with a bottle of the stuff stationed precariously in the foreground. I refuse to say the name because I hate encouraging this shit. I get it, you’re a brand ambassador and creepy Amway type of person. How often do you mix your endorsement¬†obligations¬†in with friends during conversation? “Hey you know what would be great right now? A Zico!” Cut to uncomfortable shifting. I think we’d better get home. No I just rarely stay up past 8 on a weekday. Shit I said I wouldn’t say Zico. Enjoy your water. Maybe you can use the money to build a home theater in your treehouse.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kate Hudson Is Charitably Minded

By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 3:23 PM

Ashley Benson
Kate Hudson holds the Baby2Baby Gala every year in Los Angeles. I believe it raises money for women who get knocked up by multiple rock stars. The word ‘baby’ in any charity provides extensive leeway into nobody asking where the hell their check is going. It’s called BabyMurder, just sign your name and hand over some of that TV syndication dough, fat fucking Oprah. Outside of The AIDS and Mmm, Sex With Obama, Baby is the best fundraising keyword you can plug into an L.A. event.

Women love babies like men love tits. We even make the same noises when we see them. Eventually somebody will put together a hot women breastfeeding event and the entire wealth of the world will be transferred in one evening.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

China Eats American

By Lex October 28, 2014 @ 12:41 PM

Nicole Kidman, Jessica Alba, Morgan Freeman, Chris Evans, Kenny G On The Red Carpet At Mission Hills World Celebrity Pro-Am
When it’s time to dial up Americana for your big Chinese golf tournament, your party invite plan immediately moves to Morgan Freeman, Chris Evans, and Kenny G. That’s God, Captain America, and a fey alto sax player to make the lingering Communist propagandists happy in their mockery of the U.S. You also invite Jessica Alba because half a billion dudes in China want to bang her too. I can’t imagine how much cash it took to bring these celebrities in formal wear to a golf course in Shenzen, but if you didn’t pay the extra two mill to see Jessica flash her tits at the 19th hole bar, you wasted all the rest.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Jessica Alba Is Now Just Gloating

By Lex September 30, 2014 @ 11:58 AM

Jessica Alba Wears Tight Jeans While Promoting The Honest Co
The more aw shucks Jessica gives on her Honest Company is worth a fucking billion dollars road tour the more I can’t help but feel she’s giving the middle finger to America. You should feel a little karma blessed when mommies on the westside of everywhere are getting your Ebola free diapers delivered to their homes on recurring monthly charges. Alba’s downplaying of hysterical mom market domination is equivalent to pretending her ass doesn’t look amazing in her tight jeans. Aw shucks, I just try to find something that fits my mom body. Aw shucks, my eco-awesome ass wipes venture is now worth a gazillion. Aw shucks, I can’t act but I’m in four films coming out in 2015 because I’m hot and every creature in this world with descended balls wants to have me. Just say it, woman. Nobody voted for Romney because he apologized for his seven mansions and awesome magic underwear. America secretly loves a gloater. Call yourself queen bitch and order all the ugly people to eat your shit. You won’t believe how well that works.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Jessica Alba’s Company Now Worth A Billion

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 2:23 PM

Jessica Alba Wears Tight Jeans While Walking With Friend in LA
Jessica Alba used to be good looking. Now she’s good looking and her chemical-free Westside mommy products company just got a one billion dollar valuation. She makes a shitload of money selling diapers and ointments to hyper concerned parents who believe this will turn their baby Jacobs and Madisons into glorious riders on the wind. Also, doctors and Google executives. Sadly, just like in the day when Dow chemical gave us certain ball cancer five decades down the road, Honest diapers and shampoos won’t make your kids grow up any happier or smarter or more successful. It will simply make them too good for Target underwear. Six pairs for twenty-five buck and I am living like a fucking king. I guarantee you Jacob will be asking for an increase in his adult allowance at 28 to keep himself in high hemp thread count man panties.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet