Jessica Alba’s Company Now Worth A Billion

By Lex September 22, 2014 @ 2:23 PM

Jessica Alba Wears Tight Jeans While Walking With Friend in LA
Jessica Alba used to be good looking. Now she’s good looking and her chemical-free Westside mommy products company just got a one billion dollar valuation. She makes a shitload of money selling diapers and ointments to hyper concerned parents who believe this will turn their baby Jacobs and Madisons into glorious riders on the wind. Also, doctors and Google executives. Sadly, just like in the day when Dow chemical gave us certain ball cancer five decades down the road, Honest diapers and shampoos won’t make your kids grow up any happier or smarter or more successful. It will simply make them too good for Target underwear. Six pairs for twenty-five buck and I am living like a fucking king. I guarantee you Jacob will be asking for an increase in his adult allowance at 28 to keep himself in high hemp thread count man panties.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Jessica Alba Made Another Movie

By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 2:24 PM

Jaime King And Jessica Alba At The Premiere For 'Sin City- A Dame To Kill For' In Hollywood
Jessica Alba has been telling everybody who will listen and owns a ladies magazine that she’s finally become confident with her own sexuality. I too am finally confident with her sexuality. I bet the journey was more rigorous for her. In honor of our mutual desire to touch her repeatedly in her privates, I’m inviting a half-dozen Northeastern liberal arts college girls to watch the women in Sin City 2 portray empowered devious strippers who get beaten and screwed and maybe find strong men to stick up for them. We’ll all have a good laugh after the film as feminists draw me into the alley way for an emasculating assault.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, Getty

Jessica Alba Takes Ownership of Her Body

By Lex August 06, 2014 @ 9:12 AM

Jessica Alba Leaves The Trump SoHo Hotel
It’s that time for the publicity cozy press outlets to once more pretend Jessica Alba is an actress.  She tells E! Online in an explosively insipid interview that she regrets her past safe movie role choices and is only now taking control over her sexual persona and stupendous tits:

I just have an ownership of my body and of myself as a woman that I didn’t really have before. I know who I am, I’m confident in my sexuality and now it’s not so much of a departure from myself when I have to do photo shoots or play a character.

Jessica Alba has been cursed from the very beginning by being successful with just her good looks. I can’t imagine how horrible it is to spend the millions you make simply by being hot when you were hoping it would be from your acting abilities, or maybe being an astronaut or renowned metallurgist. Alba says ten years ago she was a tomboy just pretending to be sexy. Now she really is feeling womanly and sexy. I’m also feeling sexy about her. I think our emotions are dovetailing. Jessica Alba seems far too confident to sleep around simply because she hates herself. That’s truly unfortunate.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News

Jessica Alba in A Bikini

By Lex July 14, 2014 @ 1:09 PM

Jessica Alba In A Black And White Bikini At The Beach In Cancun
I enjoy the freedom of being able to say, look at Jessica Alba’s tits and ass in her bikini. Every other entertainment site has to headline Jessica Alba sizzles or Jessics Alba looks romantic or some shit like that to pretend they’re showing you pictures of Jessica Alba’s tits and ass under a fashion news mandate. How the fuck do you even look romantic? I know what constipated looks like. I guess I could just imagine the opposite.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Jessica Alba In A Bikini

By Lex July 07, 2014 @ 2:46 PM

Jessica Alba In A Bikini At The Beach In Malibu
Finally. I’ve been waiting for a picture of Jessica Alba’s shoulder all summer. I guess I can see a little nipple which is more than I could see yesterday, but this profile view is precisely why some paparazzi have to eat Ramen seven nights a week. It shows lack of initiative. I don’t mean to criticize shady creepy stalking celebrity photographer work performance, but take a step to the left and fire off the rapid photo sequencer on Jessica Alba’s tits. Better yet, blow out your snorkel and breach from the ocean and surprise her full frontal. You’re not getting the rest of your family over here from Sri Jayawardenepura Kotte with this kind of effort.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Jessica Alba Seems Orgasmic

By Lex July 03, 2014 @ 7:01 PM

Jessica Alba In The August 2014 Issue Of GQ
I guess Jessica Alba really likes surfboards. GQ painted out her nipples and added Lolo Jones bicep tendons so I can’t speak as precisely to her state of arousal. Jessica shared her deep thoughts on her own favorite body part  with the magazine. Everybody hoped she would talk about her boobs, but she didn’t.

“I have to enhance what I like about my body and my stomach is good. My legs I’m not as excited about all the time, but I wouldn’t cover up my stomach. That’s what women do. Enhance what we’ve got.”

That’s another one big step for feminism kind. Your brain, dummy! You’re supposed to say, my brain is my best body part! After her interview, Jessica fashioned a baby crib mobile out of carbon neutral parts, gave it a desperately cute name, and sold one million units on She really is pretty fucking smart.

Photo Credit: GQ UK