Jessica Alba IPOing her Szechuan Diapers

By Lex February 05, 2016 @ 11:04 AM

Jessica Alba Cleavy Bikini For Cosmo
Jessica Alba didn’t just whine about pay inequality for women who can’t act so well, she did something about it. She founded an all-natural, organic, baby-healthy products company which sources its products in the factories in China modestly hosed out in between rounds of generic battery making. The Honest Company is brutally honest in rationalizing why they produce their upscale Westside baby products in or around Guangdong, summing it up by declaring the Chinese aren’t all horrible and Jessica slathers her own children in the overpriced shit so it must be safe. Lawsuits aside, the Honest company is working with banks for a billion dollar IPO that will make Alba richer than she could’ve ever been even if she’d been willing to show her tits in movies instead of using CGI and body doubles. Good for her. That rash on your baby’s rectum in the spitting image of Mao is perfectly natural. Read the brochure. House Bamboo Soaring Bird. Not my fault you never bothered to learn Mandarin.

Photo Credit: Cosmopolitan

Jessica Alba in A Bikini

By Lex December 31, 2015 @ 12:16 PM

Jessica Alba Thirsty In A Bikini
Jessica Alba respects her roots. Not that 1/16th part Cherokee and half a dash of undocumented alien bullshit. That part about her being super rich and famous thanks to her sweltering tits in a bikini. Billion dollar upscale organic diaper business or not, Alba knows what to do when on vacation and still the best looking chick at the resort. Snap that shit. Share it. Write cute prose like ‘thirsty’. Finally a Rosetta Stone flash card I can cover in cum. That straw is my dick. Fuck, did I say that out loud? You win again, Alba.

Photo Credit: Snapchat

Sad Looking Halloween Celebs

By Lex November 03, 2015 @ 7:22 AM

Sad Looking Halloween Celebs At Casamigas Party Suki Waterhouse
Halloween is supposed to be the happiest drunkest place on earth. But sometimes being young and beautiful and affording the expensive tampons just isn’t enough. Aw, Petunia, you’ve got yourself a case of the miserables. It was hard not to notice how many chicks looked absolutely miserable at the Casamigos Tequila Halloween Party. Jessica Alba, buck the fuck up, you’re a diaper billionaire with perfect tits. Suki Waterhouse, who the fuck sunk your battleship? You need to self-deport. The rest of you, the kitty cat, the fat one, I don’t know who you all are, but keep the battered wife faces at home. This is Halloween. Normal people are trying to get loaded and cop some cheap feels. Quit ruining everything.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Jessica Alba Scares Her Dummies

By Lex September 03, 2015 @ 11:22 AM

Jessica Alba Terrifying Mask
Jessica Alba takes occasional break from hawking chemical free diapers and tampons to blast Chernobyl grade gamma radiation at her face to cure her acne. If the tampons do this, there’s going to need to be a large disclaimer. Alba posted a photo of herself in the scary looking iron mask device on Instagram, causing numerous members of her below average education level followers to write panicked notes about her fate. If Jessica were to move to another dimension, how would they follow her and would they be forced to lose weight and start dating? Watch Fantastic Four again. It’s all explained in Illuminati for Dummies. I’d still fuck her with zits.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Jessica Alba Doesn’t Like Being Lumped

By Lex August 18, 2015 @ 10:19 AM

Jessica Alba Doesn't Like Being Compared To Gwyneth Paltrow
In her interview in Allure magazine, Jessica Alba joined the group of female celebrities with thriving merchandising businesses trying not to be lumped into the group of female celebrities with thriving merchandising businesses because that’s sexist. Gwyneth Paltrow recently upped the ante and used the term misogynistic to describe how the media lumps she and Alba and Reese Witherspoon and Blake Lively all together even though their business ventures are completely different if you are willing to engage in micro-nuance.

Jessica, especially, who’s a friend of mine—our businesses could not be more different. There’s not a lifestyle piece to her business. The fundamentals of our sites are very different. Reese launched—our businesses have similarities, but hers has retail. People are grasping at straws to tie us together and I get it, because it makes a good story, but I’m slightly offended by this sort of generalization that happens with myself and Jessica and Reese and Blake.

I don’t know. You all sell overpriced trendy celebrity promoted products to Westside mommies. I guess to some people there’s a difference between mall department stores. Not to anybody with a dick. Alba herself points out that nobody in the media lumps together Justin Timberlake and Ashton Kutcher despite the fact the former owns a piece of MySpace and the latter invests in skateboard companies led by young women he fucks while his life partner is pregnant. That does seem unfair if you happen to be making fifty million a year selling cute hemp diapers to upper middle class white women and you feel like you still have the right to complain.

The only truly memorable note from Jessica Alba’s interview comes when she declares she will never go nude onscreen because there’s no evidence how this would make her performances or the movies any better. In case you were wondering just how close Alba is to a total lack of self-awareness.

Photo Credit: Allure Magazine

Jessica Alba Makes My Wiener Happy And Shit Around The Web

By Michael August 17, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Jessica Alba is still friggin’ hot as shit. Sure, she’s a crappy actress but I don’t go to her movies to see her emote. I go to see her scantily clad.

Check her out in a white bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jackie Ibarra and Liz Nolan’s nip slips are the only reason to watch “Big Brother”. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Kylie Jenner bikinis in Mexico for her birthday. (TMZ)

Kylie Rae Instagrams in her underwear. (Hollywood Tuna)

Elena Gomez has some big old titties, y’all. (Popoholic)

I like sweaty girls in workout clothes. (The Chive)

Lindsey Pelas’ tits are something special. (The Superficial)