Jessica Alba’s Children Doomed

By Matt July 13, 2015 @ 7:02 AM


Jessica Alba spent a day with her family which was reported in the tabloids because they show up when you call them. These fuckers arrive at the Saddle Ranch and nobody would notice. That is until their handler harangues the hostess and she googles something on her phone to realize it’s that chick from those movies nobody has seen. Alba’s children are named Haven and Honor, meaning great things are in store for them once they breeze through home school and get hooked on Oxy. Then begins the dubious painting phase and more than likely someone’s genitals ending up on Twitter. By the time they’re forty they’ll sign on as a spokesman for Alba’s Noxzema hustle just long enough to write off some taxes. They’ll maintain some shitty condo in the marina and spend their days smoking American Spirits just to spite their mother who was never around and cursed them with these names which they deserve to get beat up for. There’s not a lot of honor in that. At least that crummy smoke stained shit box is a safe haven. Call the maid. Why is daddy a lady now?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jessica Alba Storms Paris

By Lex July 08, 2015 @ 10:40 AM

Jessica Alba Flashes Cleavage In Paris
Jessica Alba may be the chief executive of a bustling anti-vaxxer mommy organic diaper company, but there’s always going to be a draw for a chick this hot to show up big events and steal every single fucking camera. You can make a billion dollars pushing soy based tampons, but it’ll never tingle your stranger danger parts like the thrill of being the hottest woman at the party. There’s millions of years of instinct packed into wanting every dude in the place to dismiss your rivals and fertilize your egg sac. Feminist archers have me in their sights. I’m already dead. Carry on this message to pretty little girls being pushed into the hard sciences. It’ll never make you as happy as when your best friend’s boyfriend gets loaded and tells you you’re hotter.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Jessica Alba Filthy Rich

By Matt June 01, 2015 @ 7:33 AM


Jessica Alba’s company which she somehow founded yet only owns twenty percent now has a valuation of $1 billion. The Honest Company sells designer diapers and peanut allergy kits to trust fund babies being groomed as the next generation of people who text in traffic and flip you off when they swerve into your lane. Alba herself has a couple kids and she’s better than you so if you shit one out you’d better do exactly as she says. Lest you want the other babies whispering how that cheap whore on the Hungry Hippos is wearing generic ass powder. At this point Alba’s supremely boring performances in subpar films are purely for the love of mediocrity. Nobody wants to take ass wipe advice from a 40 year old retiree. Fork it over, her butthole just passed the klieg test. I could use another round of Police Academy.

Photo Credit: Forbes 

Jessica Alba In Swimsuits

By Lex May 22, 2015 @ 9:55 AM

Jessica Alba Oiled Up For Shape Magazine
Jessica Alba might be making one point eleven billion dollars from selling diapers made by Guatemalan castratos fostered in hermetically sealed bubbles, but deep down she understands how the Good Lord truly blessed her. It’s a sin to hide your tits when the angels brought them forward in eco-friendly chariots. Slip into a Spandex one piece and coats of bronzer and let’s get down to giving back. You could swaddle babies in Chernobyl latex wraps and they’re still going to dookie. But give a man a boner and you can finally call yourself the Honest company without an asterisk.

Photo Credit: Shape

Jessica Alba Makes It Rain With Tampons

By Lex April 30, 2015 @ 8:36 AM

Jessica Alba Cleavy In More Magazine

Men want to be with Jessica Alba, women want to pay millions for her organic diapers. She’s selling all natural baby products to young moms with stupid cash and an eco-conscious. Alba’s now set to roll out the world’s first organic tampon with 100% plant based applicator. That’s $12.99 to plug your monthly with ground flora like they teach girls in Russian survival camps. I bet Alba makes it sound awesome. She’s hauling in bank with her Honest Company the way smart people do, by being a raging sexist asshole at work:

I’ve made people cry. “I have to say, ‘This isn’t personal. This is what needs to get done, and it’s just as simple as that. My [business] partners are men. Whenever I say something that’s kind of against their intuition, they go back and talk to their wives. And then their wives usually agree with me. So that’s how we get stuff done over here.

Dumb male bitches. Tuck in your cocks and get back to work or I’ll show you how long it takes this organic applicator to bio-degrades in your ass. Jessica Alba might just be the perfect woman.

Jessica Alba Can Make You Beautiful Too

By Lex March 06, 2015 @ 10:38 AM

Jessica Alba Leggy For Braun Campaign
Jessica Alba sharing her beauty secrets is like Clayton Kershaw showing you his curveball grip. Don’t clear space for the Cy Young on your mantle just yet. Alba’s in Dubai pushing the Braun shaver for ladies because apparently the only thing standing between you and being an A-list Hollywood movie star is stubble. The star of eleven bad movies and her team of stylists on the Braun campaign realize they’re selling snake oil, but they’re doing their best to couch it:

We believe women should never have to compromise on their style because they are not beauty ready.

That probably could’ve used a bit more couching. Though I am stealing that term ‘not beauty ready’ so people will screaming at me for calling their kids ugly.

Nobody really wants to hear that you’re born with your looks. I’m sorry your parents weren’t attractive, maybe dad took you to a ball game. Focus on the good times and give Jessica Alba some money so she’ll leave your party. Beauty isn’t about smooth legs, it’s about lack of competition.

Photo Credit: Braun