Jessica Alba in A Bikini

By Lex July 14, 2014 @ 1:09 PM

Jessica Alba In A Black And White Bikini At The Beach In Cancun
I enjoy the freedom of being able to say, look at Jessica Alba’s tits and ass in her bikini. Every other entertainment site has to headline Jessica Alba sizzles or Jessics Alba looks romantic or some shit like that to pretend they’re showing you pictures of Jessica Alba’s tits and ass under a fashion news mandate. How the fuck do you even look romantic? I know what constipated looks like. I guess I could just imagine the opposite.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Jessica Alba In A Bikini

By Lex July 07, 2014 @ 2:46 PM

Jessica Alba In A Bikini At The Beach In Malibu
Finally. I’ve been waiting for a picture of Jessica Alba’s shoulder all summer. I guess I can see a little nipple which is more than I could see yesterday, but this profile view is precisely why some paparazzi have to eat Ramen seven nights a week. It shows lack of initiative. I don’t mean to criticize shady creepy stalking celebrity photographer work performance, but take a step to the left and fire off the rapid photo sequencer on Jessica Alba’s tits. Better yet, blow out your snorkel and breach from the ocean and surprise her full frontal. You’re not getting the rest of your family over here from Sri Jayawardenepura Kotte with this kind of effort.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Jessica Alba Seems Orgasmic

By Lex July 03, 2014 @ 7:01 PM

Jessica Alba In The August 2014 Issue Of GQ
I guess Jessica Alba really likes surfboards. GQ painted out her nipples and added Lolo Jones bicep tendons so I can’t speak as precisely to her state of arousal. Jessica shared her deep thoughts on her own favorite body part  with the magazine. Everybody hoped she would talk about her boobs, but she didn’t.

“I have to enhance what I like about my body and my stomach is good. My legs I’m not as excited about all the time, but I wouldn’t cover up my stomach. That’s what women do. Enhance what we’ve got.”

That’s another one big step for feminism kind. Your brain, dummy! You’re supposed to say, my brain is my best body part! After her interview, Jessica fashioned a baby crib mobile out of carbon neutral parts, gave it a desperately cute name, and sold one million units on She really is pretty fucking smart.

Photo Credit: GQ UK

Jessica Alba In A Bikini for Entertainment Weekly

By Lex May 23, 2014 @ 3:06 PM

Jessica Alba In A Bikini In The May June 2014 Issue Of Entertainment Weekly
Jessica Alba regrets being forced to lie about being more sexual than she was as a hot looking actress coming up the food chain. She just didn’t want to come off like the innocent church girl that she really was because I guess then guys would stop dreaming about humping her legs all the time and her Dame Judy Dench like acting talents might be overlooked.

I never slept my way through Hollywood, so I never felt like I compromised. Apparently people do it, I didn’t. I felt like I never compromised myself because I’m a prude. I don’t know. I grew up Catholic. In my head I’m always thinking, ‘Oh God, can my grandma see this?

Fuck, stop toying around and name some naughty whore names. I bet you’ve got a long list of slutty actresses you share with grandma after church while she lauds you for having your titties digital drawn in for Machete so you can still go to heaven.

Sometimes I would lie and say something that wasn’t true to make myself seem more interesting that I was. I mean, I didn’t even know how to walk in heels until I went to the Golden Globes for the first time.

God, you’re making me hot, you naughty little librarian girl next door. I’m going to stare deeply at your airbrushed photos in Entertainment Weekly. It’s probably the first time you ever wore a bikini or stuck your finger in your mouth for a photo.

Photo Credit: Entertainment Weekly

Jessica Alba Looks Great Shopping For Food

By Travis March 10, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Just in case the first look at Jessica Alba in Sin City 2 didn’t impress you, because she was wearing a wig or that black and white artsy bullshit is just too fake looking for you, the actress went with a natural beauty look while grocery shopping over the weekend to remind you that she basically looks good in any light. She might not have ever learned how to act over her 20 year career, but nobody really needs to know how to memorize lines when they have legs like that. It’s just a shame that she didn’t show her comedy side by holding a pair of melons in front of her chest like they were her comically large breasts, and then take her top off. That would have been hilarious.

Photo Credits:

Jessica Alba Looking Good in Sin City The Second

By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 2:37 PM

Jessica Alba In The Trailer For 'Sin City A Dame To Kill For'
It’s nice when mom gets some time away from the kids and her semi-employed house husband to go film a raunchy pulp comic sequel. Nine years in the making, Sin City 2 is finally coming out so that an entire new generation of questionably confident young men on the Internet can race to be first to say they love Frank Miller and Robert Rodriguez is a genius. I don’t know how good this movie will be, but it’s got Jessica Alba in just her bra, I’m assuming there will be some digitally faked nudity as well. I love digitally faked nudity. It’s how I intend to spend the better part of my golden years.