By Lex September 02, 2013 @ 12:43 PM
It’s got to be good to be Jessica Alba. You can wear stupid looking shit to the beach and everybody just thinks you look amazing regardless. Which you do, because you’re Jessica Alba. And if the beach party you’re invited to is a total bore, you can always go back to your car and rub Jessica Alba’s twat for a couple minutes or three hours. That’s a huge advantage.
Here’s Jessica in Malibu on Sunday. She wore the obligatory Hollywood celebrity beach hat so paparazzi could find her in a crowd and she could complain about not getting any privacy.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN
By Lex July 02, 2013 @ 10:27 AM
Jessica Alba looks like she’s at Camp Crystal Lake and the dude she was supposed to be boning after lights out suddenly went missing. Only, she’s not in a horror movie, she’s visiting a medical office in West Hollywood. And sweating. I just want to give her a cup of sherbet and tell her everything is going to be alright with her abortion.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex June 03, 2013 @ 8:25 AM
You can tell Jessica Alba is a good girl. She can’t even bring herself to fully flip off the paparazzi. She probably doesn’t even masturbate. Which is a shame, because she seems to have long fingers and be double jointed. I’d have to imagine her tub time is simply exquisite. I’m imagining it right now. Really, I’m the one who deserves to be flipped off, Jessica.
By Lex May 07, 2013 @ 3:10 PM
How embarrassed are you as a kid when your mom exposes herself at the park? I know it was the shame of my childhood. When dad joined in, I had to abandon public play areas altogether. So imagine how Serenity and Oblong, or whatever Jessica Alba named her two kids, felt when Jessica Alba whipped off her coat to reveal her bare teat through a bra that seems a bit racy for a toddler park. Not that I’m complaining. Because I’m straight. Like an arrow. With a really cute designer fletching.
Photo credit: Splash and AKM/GSI
By Lex April 25, 2013 @ 2:21 PM
I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.
So says Jessica Alba to net-a-porter magazine in handing out simple post-partum body beautiful tips to fellow new moms.
‘It was brutal; it’s not for everyone,’
Why not for everyone? Why can’t I too have a slim physique by way of severe and painful binding of my body? Yeah, if I’m going to be all sweaty and in pain, I’d rather be at the gym where at least I can watch a random ball game I don’t really care about in peace, but this corset business should be an available secondary option. The Chinese have been binding girls feet for thousands of years. The result? Lots of chicks who have crappy balance, but they can fit into a size 6 at a shoe store without having to lie. What about those penis extender suction machines. Kind of a reverse binding situation. Who says those aren’t working miracles as well. I say, body part binding for all. This shit needs to be in Obamacare.
Photo Credit: Net-A-Porter Magazine
By Lex April 22, 2013 @ 9:33 AM
Don’t even look at her book. You’re looking right now. Quit it, or she’ll cut you. That’s the book that contains all her magic secrets on career success, like, look really hot, and… look really hot. She painted her nails to match her book because she loves that god damn book. If you think you’re getting a peek at that book, forget it! Stay the fuck away from her book.