Jessica Alba Filthy Rich

By Matt June 01, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

FORBES

Jessica Alba’s company which she somehow founded yet only owns twenty percent now has a valuation of $1 billion. The Honest Company sells designer diapers and peanut allergy kits to trust fund babies being groomed as the next generation of people who text in traffic and flip you off when they swerve into your lane. Alba herself has a couple kids and she’s better than you so if you shit one out you’d better do exactly as she says. Lest you want the other babies whispering how that cheap whore on the Hungry Hippos is wearing generic ass powder. At this point Alba’s supremely boring performances in subpar films are purely for the love of mediocrity. Nobody wants to take ass wipe advice from a 40 year old retiree. Fork it over, her butthole just passed the klieg test. I could use another round of Police Academy.

Photo Credit: Forbes 

Jessica Alba In Swimsuits

By Lex May 22, 2015 @ 9:55 AM

Jessica Alba Oiled Up For Shape Magazine
Jessica Alba might be making one point eleven billion dollars from selling diapers made by Guatemalan castratos fostered in hermetically sealed bubbles, but deep down she understands how the Good Lord truly blessed her. It’s a sin to hide your tits when the angels brought them forward in eco-friendly chariots. Slip into a Spandex one piece and coats of bronzer and let’s get down to giving back. You could swaddle babies in Chernobyl latex wraps and they’re still going to dookie. But give a man a boner and you can finally call yourself the Honest company without an asterisk.

Photo Credit: Shape

Jessica Alba Makes It Rain With Tampons

By Lex April 30, 2015 @ 8:36 AM

Jessica Alba Cleavy In More Magazine

Men want to be with Jessica Alba, women want to pay millions for her organic diapers. She’s selling all natural baby products to young moms with stupid cash and an eco-conscious. Alba’s now set to roll out the world’s first organic tampon with 100% plant based applicator. That’s $12.99 to plug your monthly with ground flora like they teach girls in Russian survival camps. I bet Alba makes it sound awesome. She’s hauling in bank with her Honest Company the way smart people do, by being a raging sexist asshole at work:

I’ve made people cry. “I have to say, ‘This isn’t personal. This is what needs to get done, and it’s just as simple as that. My [business] partners are men. Whenever I say something that’s kind of against their intuition, they go back and talk to their wives. And then their wives usually agree with me. So that’s how we get stuff done over here.

Dumb male bitches. Tuck in your cocks and get back to work or I’ll show you how long it takes this organic applicator to bio-degrades in your ass. Jessica Alba might just be the perfect woman.

Jessica Alba Can Make You Beautiful Too

By Lex March 06, 2015 @ 10:38 AM

Jessica Alba Leggy For Braun Campaign
Jessica Alba sharing her beauty secrets is like Clayton Kershaw showing you his curveball grip. Don’t clear space for the Cy Young on your mantle just yet. Alba’s in Dubai pushing the Braun shaver for ladies because apparently the only thing standing between you and being an A-list Hollywood movie star is stubble. The star of eleven bad movies and her team of stylists on the Braun campaign realize they’re selling snake oil, but they’re doing their best to couch it:

We believe women should never have to compromise on their style because they are not beauty ready.

That probably could’ve used a bit more couching. Though I am stealing that term ‘not beauty ready’ so people will screaming at me for calling their kids ugly.

Nobody really wants to hear that you’re born with your looks. I’m sorry your parents weren’t attractive, maybe dad took you to a ball game. Focus on the good times and give Jessica Alba some money so she’ll leave your party. Beauty isn’t about smooth legs, it’s about lack of competition.

Photo Credit: Braun

Jessica Alba Imbeds Things

By Matt January 27, 2015 @ 7:33 AM

JA

If the first thing you notice about this photo is that coconut water you’ve been watching too much TV. Jessica Alba posted a photo of herself pretending to do yoga with a bottle of the stuff stationed precariously in the foreground. I refuse to say the name because I hate encouraging this shit. I get it, you’re a brand ambassador and creepy Amway type of person. How often do you mix your endorsement obligations in with friends during conversation? “Hey you know what would be great right now? A Zico!” Cut to uncomfortable shifting. I think we’d better get home. No I just rarely stay up past 8 on a weekday. Shit I said I wouldn’t say Zico. Enjoy your water. Maybe you can use the money to build a home theater in your treehouse.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kate Hudson Is Charitably Minded

By Lex November 10, 2014 @ 3:23 PM

Ashley Benson
Kate Hudson holds the Baby2Baby Gala every year in Los Angeles. I believe it raises money for women who get knocked up by multiple rock stars. The word ‘baby’ in any charity provides extensive leeway into nobody asking where the hell their check is going. It’s called BabyMurder, just sign your name and hand over some of that TV syndication dough, fat fucking Oprah. Outside of The AIDS and Mmm, Sex With Obama, Baby is the best fundraising keyword you can plug into an L.A. event.

Women love babies like men love tits. We even make the same noises when we see them. Eventually somebody will put together a hot women breastfeeding event and the entire wealth of the world will be transferred in one evening.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet