ZACH GALIFIANAKIS - has a new episode of ‘Between Two Ferns’, this time with Andy Richter and Conan O’Brien. Anything I write here will look dumb compared to even the smallest thing Zach and Andy do in this, so I’m giving up except to say fuck them both. (funny or die)
JESSICA ALBA - has written an article about her trip to DC last week. She says she went, “to pound the pavement and talk about education for the world’s poorest children.” And there’s a picture included of Jessica with Hillary Clinton who is autographing a soccer ball. Problem Solved! (huff post)
JOHNNY DEPP - has signed a deal paying him $35 million to do a fourth ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie. In a related story, I sleep on a bed stuffed with old newspapers and hay. Horray for Hollywood! (the sun)
BEYONCE - carries a small wind machine with her around in clubs, even when she’s sitting down, to “keep her hair blowing everywhere - just like it does in her ‘Crazy in Love’ video.” This is an easier way to look sexy than my suggestion, which was to carry a treadmill everywhere so she could run her fat ass off. (the mirror and wenn images)
(UNSEXY UPDATE - normally this is the spot where the sexy Jessica Alba video would be, but her attorneys thought you might enjoy reading this even more.)
Jessica Alba has said before she would never do a nude scene in a movie, but this sure as hell looks like her getting brutally beaten sexily spanked in this leaked clip from the upcoming movie ‘The Killer Inside Me’. You can only see her face and ass at the same time for an instant, but that was more than enough time for aspiring perverts to freeze and screencap it.
I have no idea what the hell this could possibly be about, but I’d be willing to give a movie about naked Jessica Alba giving into desire and learning erotic lessons a chance. I’m open minded like that.
Jessica Alba looked cute/hot as hell last night when she dressed up as Dora the Explorer for a Halloween party. Thank god she’s an actress and not a cop. If she wore this as part of some pedophile sting operation, LA would be a ghost town. Every single guy in California would be in jail. You could walk the streets like Omega Man, with all the buildings covered in vines and wild deer grazing on Sunset.
First Jessica Alba dyed her hair red (here), now Ali Later has done the same. Hot chicks with blood red hair are the absolute best. It’s like nailing a chick in a video game. Except this time, the game is for real!
Hopefully this will work out better than when I tried to play World of Warcraft - for real! Those black guys selling drugs seemed immune to my Blood Boil spell, and it did not cause any noticeable Shadow damage. Also my invisibility cloak must have slipped off my head because their punches and kicks seems to find it just fine.
Jessica Alba and her hot body went to a hair salon together in Beverly Hills yesterday, but hopefully not to change her hair color. Red hair is so hot, especially dark red on a tan girl. It’s still not known if she colored it for a role or just because she felt like it. Also not known: why my Raisin Roundies always win first prize. Is a pinch of nutmeg my secret? Ooooo, I’ll never tell!
Girls with red hair are the absolute best. The only thing better than a hot girl with red hair is two hot girls with red hair. But even better than that is hot one girl who is Jessica Alba with red hair. You may be thinking, well then hey, even better than that would be two Jessica Albas with red hair, but now you just sound retarded. You sound dumb. But the good news is your girlfriend gave me a blowjob last night. Wait, that’s not good news. Sorry, I’m screwing this all up. I just didn’t know how to tell you.
