Jessica Alba Flashes Kids at the Park

By Lex May 07, 2013 @ 3:10 PM

How embarrassed are you as a kid when your mom exposes herself at the park? I know it was the shame of my childhood. When dad joined in, I had to abandon public play areas altogether. So imagine how Serenity and Oblong, or whatever Jessica Alba named her two kids, felt when Jessica Alba whipped off her coat to reveal her bare teat through a bra that seems a bit racy for a toddler park. Not that I’m complaining. Because I’m straight. Like an arrow. With a really cute designer fletching.

Photo credit: Splash and AKM/GSI

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Jessica Alba Wore Two Sweaty Girdles

By Lex April 25, 2013 @ 2:21 PM

I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.

So says Jessica Alba to net-a-porter magazine in handing out simple post-partum body beautiful tips to fellow new moms.

‘It was brutal; it’s not for everyone,’

Why not for everyone? Why can’t I too have a slim physique by way of severe and painful binding of my body? Yeah, if I’m going to be all sweaty and in pain, I’d rather be at the gym where at least I can watch a random ball game I don’t really care about in peace, but this corset business should be an available secondary option. The Chinese have been binding girls feet for thousands of years. The result? Lots of chicks who have crappy balance, but they can fit into a size 6 at a shoe store without having to lie. What about those penis extender suction machines. Kind of a reverse binding situation. Who says those aren’t working miracles as well. I say, body part binding for all. This shit needs to be in Obamacare.

Photo Credit: Net-A-Porter Magazine

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Tags: Jessica Alba, Net-A-Porter Magazine |

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Jessica Alba Wants You to Stay the Fuck Away From Her Book

By Lex April 22, 2013 @ 9:33 AM

Don’t even look at her book. You’re looking right now. Quit it, or she’ll cut you. That’s the book that contains all her magic secrets on career success, like, look really hot, and… look really hot. She painted her nails to match her book because she loves that god damn book. If you think you’re getting a peek at that book, forget it! Stay the fuck away from her book.

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Jessica Alba Has the Life

By Lex April 08, 2013 @ 1:23 PM

Not that she didn’t earn it by being born beautiful, but Jessica Alba really has everything working. She’s got the Ivy League husband, the two kids, a film career in her past enough that people easily forget how horrible it was. Now she’s got this blowing up environmentally friendly kids products website that’s making major bank. She’s covered all her bases. Maybe she has herpes.

Here’s a boatload of pictures of Jessica Alba in her bikini over the weekend.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN

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Jessica Alba Will Never Show You Her Boobs Again

By Johnny Redd March 04, 2013 @ 8:49 AM

In the celebrity Circle of Life, once an actress gets herself to the top with money and fame and kids and a husband who is rich but nobody knows what the hell he does, you’re probably never going to see her tits again. It’s not exactly Mustafa explaining why it’s okay to slaughter the zebras and consume their freshly bloodied flesh, but it’s still a fucking brutal reality.

Jessica Alba used to be good for a sweet peek show. She wanted the attention. We wanted to give it to her. But, these days with Jessica, it’s looking like she did arriving in Paris in her fat girl robe coat. You’ll see more lady skin on a Riyadh boulevard during honor killing hour. A shame too, because Jessica Alba is so damn fine.

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Jessica Alba in a bikini, before and after having a baby

By brendon January 03, 2013 @ 4:02 PM

That first picture of Jessica Alba bent over in a bikini in Miami is from 2007, you see it all the time, it’s one of the most famous pictures on the internet and has more sentimental value to me than my girlfriend.

The second one is from yesterday, in Mexico, 6 years and a baby later. And she looks pretty much exactly the same. About the only difference is where she puts her scrunchie. That’s fucking amazing. I was gonna post the story out today about how President Obama was kidnapped by terrorists 3 years ago and replaced by a double but this was way more interesting.

(image source = fame/flynet)