Jessica Alba Scares Her Dummies

By Lex September 03, 2015 @ 11:22 AM

Jessica Alba Terrifying Mask
Jessica Alba takes occasional break from hawking chemical free diapers and tampons to blast Chernobyl grade gamma radiation at her face to cure her acne. If the tampons do this, there’s going to need to be a large disclaimer. Alba posted a photo of herself in the scary looking iron mask device on Instagram, causing numerous members of her below average education level followers to write panicked notes about her fate. If Jessica were to move to another dimension, how would they follow her and would they be forced to lose weight and start dating? Watch Fantastic Four again. It’s all explained in Illuminati for Dummies. I’d still fuck her with zits.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Jessica Alba Doesn’t Like Being Lumped

By Lex August 18, 2015 @ 10:19 AM

Jessica Alba Doesn't Like Being Compared To Gwyneth Paltrow
In her interview in Allure magazine, Jessica Alba joined the group of female celebrities with thriving merchandising businesses trying not to be lumped into the group of female celebrities with thriving merchandising businesses because that’s sexist. Gwyneth Paltrow recently upped the ante and used the term misogynistic to describe how the media lumps she and Alba and Reese Witherspoon and Blake Lively all together even though their business ventures are completely different if you are willing to engage in micro-nuance.

Jessica, especially, who’s a friend of mine—our businesses could not be more different. There’s not a lifestyle piece to her business. The fundamentals of our sites are very different. Reese launched—our businesses have similarities, but hers has retail. People are grasping at straws to tie us together and I get it, because it makes a good story, but I’m slightly offended by this sort of generalization that happens with myself and Jessica and Reese and Blake.

I don’t know. You all sell overpriced trendy celebrity promoted products to Westside mommies. I guess to some people there’s a difference between mall department stores. Not to anybody with a dick. Alba herself points out that nobody in the media lumps together Justin Timberlake and Ashton Kutcher despite the fact the former owns a piece of MySpace and the latter invests in skateboard companies led by young women he fucks while his life partner is pregnant. That does seem unfair if you happen to be making fifty million a year selling cute hemp diapers to upper middle class white women and you feel like you still have the right to complain.

The only truly memorable note from Jessica Alba’s interview comes when she declares she will never go nude onscreen because there’s no evidence how this would make her performances or the movies any better. In case you were wondering just how close Alba is to a total lack of self-awareness.

Photo Credit: Allure Magazine

Jessica Alba Makes My Wiener Happy And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 17, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Jessica Alba is still friggin’ hot as shit. Sure, she’s a crappy actress but I don’t go to her movies to see her emote. I go to see her scantily clad.

Check her out in a white bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jackie Ibarra and Liz Nolan’s nip slips are the only reason to watch “Big Brother”. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Kylie Jenner bikinis in Mexico for her birthday. (TMZ)

Kylie Rae Instagrams in her underwear. (Hollywood Tuna)

Elena Gomez has some big old titties, y’all. (Popoholic)

I like sweaty girls in workout clothes. (The Chive)

Lindsey Pelas’ tits are something special. (The Superficial)

Jessica Alba’s Children Doomed

By Matt July 13, 2015 @ 7:02 AM


Jessica Alba spent a day with her family which was reported in the tabloids because they show up when you call them. These fuckers arrive at the Saddle Ranch and nobody would notice. That is until their handler harangues the hostess and she googles something on her phone to realize it’s that chick from those movies nobody has seen. Alba’s children are named Haven and Honor, meaning great things are in store for them once they breeze through home school and get hooked on Oxy. Then begins the dubious painting phase and more than likely someone’s genitals ending up on Twitter. By the time they’re forty they’ll sign on as a spokesman for Alba’s Noxzema hustle just long enough to write off some taxes. They’ll maintain some shitty condo in the marina and spend their days smoking American Spirits just to spite their mother who was never around and cursed them with these names which they deserve to get beat up for. There’s not a lot of honor in that. At least that crummy smoke stained shit box is a safe haven. Call the maid. Why is daddy a lady now?

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Jessica Alba Storms Paris

By Lex July 08, 2015 @ 10:40 AM

Jessica Alba Flashes Cleavage In Paris
Jessica Alba may be the chief executive of a bustling anti-vaxxer mommy organic diaper company, but there’s always going to be a draw for a chick this hot to show up big events and steal every single fucking camera. You can make a billion dollars pushing soy based tampons, but it’ll never tingle your stranger danger parts like the thrill of being the hottest woman at the party. There’s millions of years of instinct packed into wanting every dude in the place to dismiss your rivals and fertilize your egg sac. Feminist archers have me in their sights. I’m already dead. Carry on this message to pretty little girls being pushed into the hard sciences. It’ll never make you as happy as when your best friend’s boyfriend gets loaded and tells you you’re hotter.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Jessica Alba Filthy Rich

By Matt June 01, 2015 @ 7:33 AM


Jessica Alba’s company which she somehow founded yet only owns twenty percent now has a valuation of $1 billion. The Honest Company sells designer diapers and peanut allergy kits to trust fund babies being groomed as the next generation of people who text in traffic and flip you off when they swerve into your lane. Alba herself has a couple kids and she’s better than you so if you shit one out you’d better do exactly as she says. Lest you want the other babies whispering how that cheap whore on the Hungry Hippos is wearing generic ass powder. At this point Alba’s supremely boring performances in subpar films are purely for the love of mediocrity. Nobody wants to take ass wipe advice from a 40 year old retiree. Fork it over, her butthole just passed the klieg test. I could use another round of Police Academy.

Photo Credit: Forbes