It’s unclear if Lamar Odom knew exactly where he was last night when the Kardashian family walked him into the New York arena where Kanye West was showing off all the new booties he fashioned in his mind. Since Khloe Kardashian grabbed Odom’s vegetative state hand and had him sign papers calling off their divorce, he’s become the legal property of the family. Like a show pony trotted out for promotional events and kids birthday parties. His drool cup carefully angled so as not to be picked up by the press photography. This could’ve been unadulterated sad if only Odom hadn’t coded out following an overdose of booze and erection pills at a desert whorehouse. There’s that lingering element of reaping what you sow. Nobody deserves his hell. Blame the first responders who couldn’t foresee this future. Also the doctors who ignored the Do Not Resuscitate If I’m Still Legally Married to Fat O.J. order in his records. Why does Lammy keep chewing on his Air Yeezys?
In 2014, Kris Jenner launched her daytime talk show for the morbidly obese waiting for their class action settlement checks. Jenner immediately suffered from having absolutely nothing to talk about beyond her pumpkin head family. Khloe Kardashian’s talk show Kocktails With Khloe just kicked off on the fyi network which may or may not be a real thing. The show features Khloe surrounded by obviously fatter more useless women to relatively mask her own unpleasant human form. Like her fetid Brentwood whore mom, Khloe has zippo to offer the world save for tittering inside mentions of her famous family.
Producers invited Kendall Jenner on the show to flash her braless tits and to prank phone call Kim Kardashian with news that Kendall was young and pregnant out of wedlock. What type of freak out are you expecting to elicit from your thrice married and multiple times knocked up with a bastard baby sister by telling her you’re pregnant? Also, she’s medicated. And stupid. And slow. Fake knee slap all you want, fat talk show cut ups, the fyi network and the guy who runs three gas stations in Nebraska who owns it have standards. Tease the big Kanye appearance so we can start counting down the final days already. Nobody watches this channel but a zero will still get you noticed. Pound another martini while sucking in your gut. Daytime drinking is the only believable element of your show.
Khloe Kardashian continues to pick over the carcass of her brain damaged husband for any last morsel of media attention. It’s like watching a vulture with a high priced publicity team. Kardashian is making the rounds of New York media promoting her upcoming talk show Kocktails with Khloe where she consumes a whole live pig left for her by the natives while giggling at prepared jokes from her remarkably gay male guests.
Kardashian’s maturation was stunted long before her head went through the windshield and stopped the clock forever. She finds it hard to relate to adults so in a pinch she lifts her dress and bends over a couch and thinks about marmalade. For media appearances she repeats a salacious story her mom made her memorize in the car. Kardashian shocked Andy Cohen with news that she and Lamar had made a sex tape. The film is locked in a safe next to the empty spot where Kim’s sex tape sat until Kris Jenner completed negotiations with Vivid. Everybody cheered and applauded and Andy Cohen mused to himself how Joe Biden’s dick would taste in his mouth and smiled insanely.
In my day, unattractive women knew better than to talk about their sexual encounters. It’s like a homeless guy Yelping his restaurant review of the dumpster. Lamar can’t speak so there’s nobody to stop this 200 lb twelve year old with the snorts. Somebody get Odom a chalkboard. Let’s see what you wrote here. Kill Lammy. Why are you handing me a pillow?
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
For years a large cadre of marketers, scientists, and industrial engineers have been working to make Khloe Kardashian physically appealing to men outside the niche of black rappers who like to bang fat white girl ass. Is it working? It’s trying.
Khloe Kardashian is often seen as the redheaded stepchild among the whorish coven of sisters. She can’t seem to starve herself thin and can’t make an out of wedlock baby despite being barebacked constantly in stasis rooms set to mimic body temperatures and humidity saturations. When you see the first bead of sweat forming on her ass, fire. Nothing? Who will be the next generation of objectified fuck toys? That’s our battle cry. Would you like more oysters and Cristal? Keep cumming.
Photo Credit: Mike Rosenthal
Khloe Kardashian continues to share photos of herself positioned like Botticelli’s Venus if Venus had to spend hours contorting her frame because her mom fucked O.J. instead of a more wiry black dude. Khloe’s using the photos to promote her premium pay site whose members can all legally buy guns while a dude who once accidentally took a Bic lighter on a plane can’t. Common sense gun control is truly a misnomer. If this photo were Scratch and Sniff I guarantee you’d feel like it was time to clean out your refrigerator. Nobody said mute sex object was going to be easy. Think of it as fireman who doesn’t respond to fires. Thanks for covering your tits, there’s so little modesty left in this world.
Photo Credit: Instagram
The upside of Kardashian sibling rivalry is its singular focus on being fuckable by popular black male entertainers. Kimmy never came home with a 96 on her geometry exam setting off fits of academic testing jealousy. Kourtney wasn’t going to nail that medical breakthrough threatening the relatively lackluster contributions to society by her sisters. How round is my ass and can I train the Bugles out of my waistline? The kids eat breakfast on that table. Tell me you wiped.
Don’t turn around. Don’t you do it!