By Matt August 20, 2015 @ 7:28 AM
Lamar Odom is about two steps away from burning an effigy on Khloe Kardashian’s lawn before cutting himself and being led away in a straightjacket with bad poetry falling out of his pockets. The conflict the two had in the parking lot of Khloe’s gym where she stores her dried meats in a locker appears to be set up at the hands of Khloe or Lamar or both. Khloe has begun taking dick from a homeless dirty needle user, the NBA’s James Harden, yet Lamar isn’t ready to move on:
“She’s [my] soul mate. I can’t control it. We’ll never part. I would never consider myself serious with another woman. To sum it up, if a man is attempting to court Khloe, he’s probably wasting his time.”
Maybe wasting his time buying her a drink before immediately railing her in a rented Humvee. Dog, it looks like you two are broken up. A clear indication is that this is on the record, yet circumstantially, she’s fucking other dudes and you’re in the midst of a nervous breakdown which isn’t sexy and comes off as pathetic and therefore won’t work. This is where you move on because you’re not R Kelly and are probably not even gay. Go fuck a stripper. You’ll feel worse but it passes the time.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt August 14, 2015 @ 7:38 AM
Lamar Odom made a pretty good case that the reports he ambushed Khloe Kardashian at her gym were total bullshit orchestrated by Khloe and her gang of muted ass displayers. Odom is apparently one of the few people still shocked by such developments and watches TMZ like it’s a hard hitting JonBenet 20/20. According to Odom, he wouldn’t have showed up randomly at the gym and someone had to have given him the address:
“I live in Las Vegas, did I just guess right, where this girl may be? So how would you think I ended up there… The dog has to bite back, y’all beat me down, degrated me… I probably couldn’t even get fucking hired right now by Home Depot… If it happens again, I’m airing everything out.”
Given those we’ve already seen most of this family’s buttholes I’m not sure what kind of shocking details you could reveal. It’s all fake and Kanye has a boyfriend named Jax? Kim Kardashian got AIDS from Magic Johnson at an after hours Chuck E Cheese while the group played Pin the Bloody Knife on the Hobo? Caitlyn Jenner is actually Robert Durst? I’m not a gambling man but cut your ties. Move out of Vegas.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt August 13, 2015 @ 8:17 AM
Lamar Odom reportedly showed up unannounced at Khloe Kardashian’s gym where she eats and apparently there was a scuffle and she left. If this sounds phony it probably is and there were most likely cameras involved. Lamar needs the money, although reports say he was screaming at her and there’s no way he’s that good of an actor. Perhaps producers are simply aware he sleeps in the parking lot. Odom and Khloe finalized their divorce papers. It’s assumed she’ll keep the farm. And eat all the animals. Your sister is pregnant and you need some attention. There’s no reason to play on the domestic violence angle. You two behemoths having sex was worthy of Pay per View action from the Butterbean era. The Japanese lost valuable entertainment. Love hurts. Seriously you’re crushing me, turn around.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 9:24 AM
The E! production team is constantly launching new storylines for Khloe Kardashian to keep her busy and unaware of the slutty Truman Show habitat that serves as her world. The latest is Khloe as ripped beast. A gym fiend that looks like a real live fitness model if you put her in Spanx and light and pose her just right for the cameras. The people who write words for Khloe insisted her photos were barely touched up, posting both raw and published photos to prove her point:
This one is for all the troll haters out there that cannot seem to give me an ounce of credit for my daily workouts!”
I’m not sure making Khloe physically stronger is an idea everybody at HQ has thought through clearly. When she busts through the fourth wall and you find out she’s been spitting out her meds for weeks, you’re going to wish she couldn’t bench press eight-fifty. Set up a tank perimeter around O.J.’s correctional facility. That’s likely where the MUTO’s headed.
Photo Credit: Complex Magazine
By Lex July 27, 2015 @ 12:43 PM
Khloe Kardashian just gave her little teen sister permission to bang older men and it may be the most intelligent thing that’s ever come out of her mouth.
I think at 16 I was probably fucking someone that was in their 20s, for sure. I wouldn’t say I was even dating, probably just sleeping with them. But again, Kylie is not a normal 17-year-old. You’re not gonna say, ‘Hey, so what are you doing this weekend?’ and have her say, ‘Having a slumber party at my girlfriend’s’ or ‘Going to prom.’ That’s not what Kylie does. Kylie is taking business meetings and bought her first house, or she’s going on a private plane with Karl Lagerfeld to take a meeting. That’s not even what people do in their 30s. It’s a rare circumstance, so let’s treat this as a special case.
Perhaps not a great sign that you can’t remember who you were fucking at sixteen. You’re not the old lady from the Titanic. You’re thirty and unencumbered by deep thoughts, you should have an inkling. Nevertheless, if you get past that first part where you vomit a little, Khloe is able to objectively assess her sister’s psychological slut age, versus the knee-jerkers who cling to the Age of Consent like it descended on tablet from heaven. When Jesus was alive, girls were being married off at twelve years and one day and he didn’t say squat.
This isn’t a debate about First Century A.D. practices or if Stephen Collins’ little neighbor girls are old enough to see his half-hard cock, this is whether or not some seventeen year old girls are mature enough to fuck rappers in their 20′s. If you’re raised to be a working whore since childhood, the odds are you’re going to be pretty fucking savvy by seventeen. Thai hookers are more street smart by puberty than anybody currently running to be President of our nation. Kylie Jenner does own a house, a Mercedes, has a fake high school diploma, and earns in the millions from her numerous commercial deals. You think Kris Jenner and Vagina Dad would make wiser decisions on her behalf? Look at the parents. Look at the girl. At least let her be a skank on her own volition. Fuck, Khloe, now we can’t put you down without wondering if you knew what was happening.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex July 21, 2015 @ 12:36 PM
The FYI network, which is apparently an actual TV channel seen across the former Soviet Republic of Georgia and parts of Bakersfield, announced a Khloe Kardashian hosted talk show unlike anything that has ever been seen before on television, or the FYI network, or the universe:
The series [Kocktails] will feature regular celebrity guests and friends who will join Kim Kardashian’s younger sis in the kitchen and around the table for “an intimate dinner party filled with cooking, pop culture, conversation, and outrageously fun party games.
The family has tried to push their big shouldered mutt into opportunities of her own before and the results have been frightening. When Khloe froze up reading the teleprompter on the X-Factor it was like watching King Kong in the paparazzi lights right before busting out of his chains. I shit myself and those around me. Unless the outrageous party games include releasing her O.J. DNA test and power lifting, I’m sticking to the traditional Kardashian spinoffs. The morbidly obese have enough programming. More motorcycles on ice please.
Photo Credit: Instagram