By Lex November 07, 2014 @ 11:05 AM
Kris Jenner spent the first twenty years of her marriage cuckolding her second husband and the last two bitching about his unwillingness to ponytail penetrate her vaginaplastied shrew twat. The thought of having sex with an older woman doesn’t bother me at all. The thought of banging Kris Jenner even in the most hateful of ways makes me want to vomit the gum I swallowed in grade school. Somehow and for some amount of Bitcoin, Kris managed to secure a young guy who works for Justin Bieber’s management team to diddle her rancid bean.
Kris has a very strong sexual appetite and she says she’s basically been starving for sex Her sex life with Bruce died a long time ago, she’s had some hook-ups here and there but this is the first time that she’s been having regular sex in years and she can’t stop bragging about it.
There goes my fucking gum. Kris wanted to introduce her man to the girls and compare black guy penis stories so she rang the whore bell and everyone showed up for lunch in Beverly Hills. You’ll have to wait until next season’s KUWTK to know exactly how this relationship pans out. Or you can park high atop Calabasas and wait for the screams of ‘I pay you to finish on my melanoma, Toby!’ to waft across the hills.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex June 04, 2014 @ 3:21 PM
The little one and O.J.’s daughter are setting up shop in The Hamptons for the latest Kardashian spinoff series. Khloe and Kourtney Suck the Tip of Long Island will air at some point on E! after Chelsea Handler finds an executive to bone at another network. The show will feature the hilarious and ribald hijinks of the Kardashian sisters eating, talking, and popping. It’s like The Truman Show if Truman had actually wanted the entire world to watch his every waking moment instead of trying to escape from it. Walk toward the light, Khloe. I swear, it’s not a death ray.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Pacific Coast News
By Lex May 27, 2014 @ 2:45 PM
This weekend I had the privilege to watch a butcher at an international market carve up pork uterus into easy home cooking portions. Now I can forever more say shit like, yeah, that’s horrible, but not as bad as watching a guy slice up a pig’s uterus. Like this photo of Jaden Smith in the white batman costume he felt compelled to wear to Kim and Kanye’s wedding. It’s unclear why Jaden likes to be seen in public in trainable superhero costumes, the most important thing is that his parents allow his wild rumpuses to continue so as not to stunt his budding genius. Will Smith’s developmentally challenged son in the Kim and Kanye wedding photo booth isn’t so horrible. Even inviting in his fellow crystal cult member and platonic underaged sexual experimentation buddy Kylie Jenner isn’t all that horrible. But Joe Francis squeezing into the picture. That’s fucking pig uterus.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Travis May 20, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Last month, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian were out for a stroll in Melrose, probably discussing how they’re only famous because their sister had really boring sex with Ray J, when they were the victims of a terrifying attack by a psychotic clown who calls himself Richie the Barber. Except, instead of terrifying it was actually harmless and instead of psychotic, the clown is just kind of a douchebag, but that didn’t stop the sisters from filing a police report that was promptly ignored. But according to TMZ, Khloe and Kourtney told police told police three days ago that they still want to file criminal charges on the guy who threw some paper at them as a joke. I imagine that they were reminded that a street performer probably doesn’t have any money to sue for, to which Kris Jenner said something like, “But he’s got kidneys, plasma and blood, so take it all.”
By Lex April 21, 2014 @ 3:56 PM
I feel bad now for making fun of Kourtney Kardashian, seeing as it is her 35th birthday. That’s a special time in a Kardashian girl’s life when she takes her bastard children and whatever mope she’s letting knock her up and she heads to Mexico to learn of her true birthright, in all it’s hideous demonic glory. As it is written, atop Popocatepetl, Kris Jenner will reveal to each 35-year old daughter the face of her real father on a playing card. She will then shuffle that card around in a three card Monte slight of hand with the faces of two random NFL players she screwed in the 80′s while her husband was at Costco buying her tampons and bagel dogs. If the daughter can pick out her real father’s face, she will win and go on to be rich and miserable and drunk like her mother. If she fails, the volcano will erupt with deadly rivers of magma, killing millions of Mexicans. After the briefest of reflective pauses, mom will remind her daughter that outside of the kitchen staff at Casa Vega, they don’t give a shit about Mexicans. Then they will commence with the ritualistic cackling.
Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet
By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 12:44 PM
If you’re like me, you can’t wait until E! sends Chewbaca and Kourtney to The Hamptons to open up their new store for feeble minded girls with borrowed credit cards. With each new Kardashian spinoff comes the promise that one of the illiterate munions will be killed accidentally by a stoned gaffer fucking up something electrical. Kourtney Kardashian is taking a break from her life as the supervisor to the nannies of two bastard children by suntanning in Cabo. There was a rumor she was going to marry the former semi-employed snowboard instructor she keeps letting knock her up, but apparently the couple are happy as is, just being filmed monkeys for cash. This is good news for Kim who doesn’t want her totally less ass awesome older sister stealing any attention from her own wedding number three coming up whenever all the photo and TV rights deals are finally inked. It’s impossible to describe in words how much I can’t stand the Kardashians. So I just printed out this blurry picture of Kourtney and took a dump on it. Nothing personal, Kourt. I was actually thinking about your mom.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash