By Travis December 02, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
On last night’s episode of Kashing In With the Kardashians, Kris Jenner and her living, breathing ATMs showed off their brand new Christmas card, which shockingly reveals that this family loves taking all of your money. I’m told that the image above is not actually the Kardashian Christmas card and it is, in fact, an orangutan drinking its own urine, and that E! has what it claims is the card in question, as photographed by David LaChappelle. But I think this one is way better, with a better possible alternative being Kendall Jenner’s nipples.
Photo Credits: E!
By Lex September 11, 2013 @ 5:08 PM
The Kardashians are like the postman. Nothing can stop them from making their appointed rounds. Not crackwhores or missing husbands or paternity allegations or even just having the shits from their amphetamine laced diet powder. These girls are earners. So back to the streets went these gussied up hookers. Mama always said you work your corner or somebody else be working your corner.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com
By Lex September 02, 2013 @ 2:21 PM
The cash money Kardashian show stops for nobody, so even with Khloe threatening to eat French Dip sandwiches until she dies, and Kris Jenner sucking slowly on a Botox needle and lamenting the loss of her TV show, the other moneymakers in the clan went about on about their business. Kourtney hit the Vegas strip to show off her tits for money at the Bellagio. First and foremost, you support the family with your earn. There’s always a gay BFF or Bruce if you need a non-revenue producing shoulder to cry on.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com
By Lex August 16, 2013 @ 8:33 AM
Kourtney Kardashian shared DNA test results with her cash money pimps at the E! channel proving that her unemployed lounge-about boyfriend is actually the father of both her bastard children. The results disprove the paternity claims of the greasy male model who claimed to have nailed Kourtney when they worked together a few years back. Last week, Kourtney’s reps were calling the male model’s requests for a paternity test to be ridiculous and craven. This week, Kourtney had the kid and Scott Disick both swabbed.
“After three-and-a-half years of rumors and lies being spread by an individual I met briefly at a photo shoot, I am setting the record straight that Scott is Mason’s father. While it saddens me to have to address these ridiculous lies—especially when the truth was never in doubt—this story must be put to rest.” — Giver of Life, Kourtney Kardashian.
I’m no Columbo, but I’m guessing by ‘met briefly at a photo shoot’, Kourtney means they didn’t have time to get a condom. If the truth was never in doubt, I doubt she would have been running around her house with a Q-tip and a FedEx box trying to get shit off to LabCorp before the Friday 5pm cutoff.
By Lex August 13, 2013 @ 3:54 PM
The role of big sister truly is like a second mother. Which placed Kourtney Kardashian in the position of consoling her little sister Khloe in her time of marital strife. Not so much marital strife as her husband banging tons of other women. But when you don’t want Khloe angry and stomping on Tokyo, you call it marital strife. The sisters shopped and gabbed about Kourtney’s child’s legally questioned paternity, how cute Kim’s little bastard baby is, and who little half-sister Kylie could fuck to get in the news now that she’s turned sixteen. Then Khloe bought a $3000 purse she intends to fill with fantastical happy thoughts and possibly the live beating hearts of the women who have known her husband biblically.
Photo Credit: PCN
By Lex August 09, 2013 @ 7:03 PM
This dude Michael Girgenti claims he blew his load in Kourtney Kardashian during a time they spent on a photoshoot together, just about nine months before her first bastard kid, Mason, was born. Now he wants a DNA test to see if he’s the father. He says he’s doing it for the fake reason that the child should know his real father. Because, what a fucking joy for that kid to learn that his dad isn’t really an unemployed preppy dick but rather an idiot male model who banged his mom in a dressing room because his dick was hard and he was bored. Kourtney Kardashian’s attorney claims it’s all bullshit and Girgenti is just creating scandal for a pay day, though he was later forced to admit that the entire Kardashian fortune is based on creating scandals for a pay day. I say, swab the kid. Just don’t be surprised if the DNA comes back matching the Nicole Simpson crime scene.