No matter what part of the country you’re from or which NFL team you support, it’s important to acknowledge that people from Boston are especially fucking annoying. The accents are unbecoming as are the stupid shamrock tattoos and being hammered on Seagrams. Most of the unpleasantness stems from the fact they have to constantly remind you they are from Boston. Like it’s the Emerald City. Or Austin or Miami or other places people actually move to rather than just being from originally.The four most Bostony Bostonians of all time got together to watch the Pats and talk about the old neighborhood at length. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck make movies about being handsome to the point of being gay but still from Boston. Bill Simmons talks about the Celtics more than the people on the team. Dicky Barrett is literally in a band called The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. If Marky Mark hadn’t three more Thai dry cleaners to burn down on the south side, he might’ve made the photo too. We get it. You guys are from Boston. The Pats are wicked awesome. One more word and I break this fucking camera.
Week three of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has devolved into celebrity video selfies and people using the ALS Challenge for entirely different political purposes. Orlando Jones poured bullets on his head in some rather awkwardly phrased rant about police violence in Ferguson. Carla Gugino and Malin Akerman made out and giggled. I think Lou Gehrig would have appreciated that. Now Matt Damon is pouring toilet water over his head to showcase the plight of unclean drinking water in super crappy places around the globe.
In his video Damon says he’d feel bad wasting perfectly good tap water. So he filled his toilet up with perfectly good tap water then poured it into a bucket of ice made from perfectly good tap water and poured it over his head. He noted that toilet water in the U.S is cleaner than drinking water in many parts of the world. He failed to mention that blood tainted with The AIDS virus mixed with used Skid Row needles is cleaner than drinking water in many parts of the world. But I see his point. I’m inviting some of those Central American immigrant kids housed nearby over to my house to drink out of my toilet. We need to baby step them back to bacteria free water or else they might be traumatized.
Damon begrudgingly offers up that fighting ALS is also a good thing. By which he means, hardly anybody knows somebody with the relatively rare ALS disease, but everybody knows somebody with dysentery in Chad. Damon concludes his Ice Bucket Challenge by nominating George Clooney, Bono, and Tom Brady, just in case you weren’t sure if this video made you hate him or not.
So here’s the opening segment of last nights Jimmy Kimmell show, when Matt Damon tied Kimmell to a chair and then hosted the show. But, as you no doubt guessed, the whole thing was fake and a scam for publicity, just like AIDS.
‘The Bourne Legacy’ trailer came out yesterday, and I was so busy being a sarcastic dick that I forgot to mention that it reportedly takes place at the same time as ‘the Bourne Ultimatum’. Which is actually really cool. So we’ll see what else was going on while Matt Damon look befuddled and/or punched people.
This is why the trailer showed the scene from ‘Ultimatum’ with the reporter in the train station, and why Bourne is in New York and all that. Presumably Jeremy Renner is supposed to do something about it. He should try calling Bourne on the phone and saying he can see him. That always seem to freak everyone out in the other movies.
For years I’ve been sitting here, like a fool, assuming there was always just one, but as ‘The Bourne Legacy’ repeatedly points out, it’s actually quite the contrary. And unrelated to the fact that the old one doesn’t want to be in these movies anymore, here are the adventures of another one who, it turns out, has been even more exciting the entire time and we didn’t even know it.
And don’t worry; even though the old one is referenced 6 times, perhaps giving the impression he’s in this movie, he’s not and good riddance.
But don’t take my word for it, just listen to the lady who saw the evaluations. She’s seen dozens, no, hundreds of evaluations, and she almost came in her pants when she saw these. “The old one punched like some limp wristed little faggot compared to this one,” she practically said.
At some point last year, Scarlett Johansson took a vow to look as awful as possible at all times. And last night was no exception, at the New York premiere for ‘We Bought A Zoo’, her new movie with Matt Damon and director Cameron Crowe.
She’s chubby, her dress is ugly, her makeup looks like it was done on horseback, and she has Gozer the Gozerian hair. When asked about meeting Scarlett for the first time, Vinz Clortho said, “Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!”