OPIE AND ANTHONY – are offering $25,000 to any girl who can prove they had sex with Manti Te’o. Because even though he told Katie Couric yesterday that he was “far from gay”, being gay or a complete dumb fuck are the only possible explanations for the things he’s done. And that sweater. (opies twitter)
TINA TURNER – has apparently lived outside Zurich in Kuesnacht, Switzerland, since the mid 1990′s, is now renouncing her American citizenship and becoming a Swiss citizen. She hasnt given a statement or been interviewed about this yet, which is pretty amazing because how hard could it be to find Tina Turner in fucking Switzerland. (fox news)
STEVE WOZNIAK – is, of course, the co-founder of Apple, and he’s played by the great Josh Gad in the Steve Jobs movie starring Ashton Kutcher. After seeing the clip released yesterday, Wozniak said-and you may want to brace yourself- that they’re fucking everything up. “Not close…we never had such interaction and roles…I’m not even sure what it’s getting at.” To be fair that last part could describe most Ashton Kutcher performances. (gizmodo)
KATE UPTON – is in the January issue of Zoo magazine, but the pictures they use are actually from a shoot she did last year for a lingerie company. So I posted those instead. I also chopped some firewood and made those butterscotch cookies you like so much.
Despite the fact that we can look right at them, Kris Jenner still insists that her daughters Kim Kardashian (who looks like Princess Jasmine), Kourtney Kardashian (who looks like Princess Jasmine), and Khloe Kardashian (who looks like Bigfoot) all have the same father. It’s actually kind of insulting. So today Opie and Anthony offered Kris $250,000 to prove it. All she has to do is arrange the DNA tests that prove Robert Kardashian was Khloes father. And since she’s of course telling the truth, this should be easy money for Jenner.
Opie even offered to give the money directly to a charity if thats what Kris wants, so some good can come out of this. Granted in this case the charity she would chose would be “the Prada store”, to benefit their “handbags for old ladies” program, but it’s the thought that counts.
Jim Jefferies has a bit about the 10 commandments where he says that instead of 10 all you really need is one; Try not to be a cunt. Just try. Do your best. It’s good advice in life, and even better advice for going on a radio show.
Well yesterday Paris Hilton did an interview with Opie and Anthony and Jim Norton, and she didn’t do that. Instead she was a boring cunt. She was there to promote ‘The World According to Paris’ (which desperately needs it), and her plan to do that was to sit perfectly still and occasionally mumble for 10 minutes. What a natural born entertainer she is. After seeing this I want to go buy another DVR so I can tape her show twice.
Louis C.K. was on Opie and Anthony yesterday when former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called in for an interview, presumably because of some kind of clerical oversight on the part of Rumsfelds staff.
Things started off routinely enough, and then at around the 2:30 mark, Louis says…
“There’s still those people out there that think, you know, Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney are actually lizards, who, I mean literally, there are people who think they are lizards from outer space who eat human flesh.
I don’t know if anybody has ever asked you directly, sir, but are you a lizard? Are you actually, can you just please give that a straight answer, are you a lizard person?”
Rumsfeld never does actually deny being a lizard from outer space, even though Louis spends the next 14 minutes asking him about it. Then the call ends and Louis and Opie and Anthony talk about why Rumsfeld wouldn’t deny it, while Rumsfeld himself ate a mouse, conjured up live video of Louis through a crystal ball and yelled “Sieze Him!” to his guards.
If not for the out of control drug addiction, paranoia, violence and crime sprees, Charlie Sheen would be pretty cool. Or at least fun to hang out with. The trick is block out everything else and focus all your attention on the prostitutes and whores.
Luckily that’s what Jim Norton of the Opie and Anthony show is best at, as proven once again in todays New York Post…
“As far as I’m concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don’t have a hooker in your hotel room, you’re creepy and I don’t trust you. And I don’t do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That’s how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I’d look like a cat in a hoarders’ house.”
I should probably stop having Jim Norton quotes on the page, at least in the morning, because let’s not kid each other, it’s all downhill from here. If this were a relay race, he’d have taken the lead, handed me the baton, my pants would fall down, I’d drop the baton, trip, and somehow have it go right up my ass when I fell down.
(why would a 42 year old have organs randomly shutting down? maybe the story Jay Mohr told on Opie and Anthony about him and Tracy doing PCP is related in some way)
Tracy Morgan has had diabetes since 1996 but, and this is gonna amaze you, but he says he didn’t really take it seriously or take care of himself until 2006 when he got sick and almost had his foot amputated. But since then he’s turned things around and things are going great.
Oh wait never mind no they’re not.
Tracy Morgan had a kidney transplant and will miss at least two episodes of the NBC sitcom.
Morgan had successful surgery “on or around Dec. 10,” and the show’s writers will work his absence into the show by saying he had “some sort of meltdown because of a good thing that’s happened to him.”
Morgan, who plays Tracy Jordan on “30 Rock,” could miss up to three episodes, depending of his recovery, with his missed episodes slated to air in March.
You can’t help but be impressed by NBC’s obvious concern. About their TV show at least. Not so much for their employee. “We need to stop casting, you know, those people. They’re always getting diabetes, I think they like it,” NBC probably said.