Oscar Pistorius Had Angry Blue Balls

By Matt October 27, 2014 @ 8:01 AM


Reeva Steenkamp’s mom wrote a book about her daughter because it’s not a tragedy until somebody gets a publishing deal. Mom claims Reeva would not allow Pistorius to have sex with her during the entire time they dated. I actually just assume dating means fucking so now mom’s got me confused.┬áThese two must have ridden a lot of Ferris wheels and eaten a lot of ice cream. According to Mom, Pistorius was a violent lunatic who couldn’t handle the fact that Steenkamp was planning to leave him. Sure, easy to cast aspersions after a guy shoots your daughter a half dozen times through a closed bathroom door. People should start writing these books before murders go down.

Maybe the months and months of blue balls finally caught up with Pistorius. It’s one thing to have no lower legs, an entirely different thing to have a ninety-day nut. I’m not condoning the murder, I’m just imagining sleeping next to a naked model who won’t let me touch her night after night and thinking maybe I heard a dangerous intruder in my bathroom as well. As always, the moral of the story is not to date men high tech titanium blades for feet. Just plain assholes. Find a man with old school stumps and make him your husband and you’ll never be sorry.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Oscar Pistorius Gets But A Few Months in the Hoosegow

By Matt October 21, 2014 @ 11:03 AM


Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to five years in prison for culpable homicide, which is South Africa’s version of, don’t blast your gun through closed doors in your house because you thought you heard something, asshole. He was acquitted of the actual intentional killing of his hot model girlfriend because everyone agreed that hot models are easier to replace in this world than legless Olympic gold medalists. Pistorious will be eligible for house arrest after just ten months of segregated special prison time assuming the mansion is big enough for his liking. He will also be eligible for parole after half his sentence, at which point he will become the first bionic line cook in South African history.

Pistorius showed no emotion during sentencing, kind of like a killer. This was in sharp contrast to the crocodile tears that dripped incessantly during the trial phase as he continued to regret not making up a black intruder to pin the shooting on originally. Pistorius’ lawyers were seeking a lighter sentence, but the judge had the gumption to recall that Pistorius admittedly shot the only other person in his house and apparently thought an intruder broke into his bathroom and screamed just like his girlfriend. South Africans judicially aligned with the dead girlfriend camp felt the sentence was too light based on celebrity justice grounds but if it’s any consolation, Pistorius will definitely have his swank blades stolen in the joint and have to shower with his head at dick level. Blast away, fellas.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Oscar Pistorius Has A Disconnect

By Matt October 16, 2014 @ 9:40 AM


There are some serious issues involved with sentencing Oscar Pistorius for Culpable Homicide, which is apparently a South African term for execution. It appears he threw his dead girlfriend’s parents some cash because they were struggling financially after he killed her, yet when offered a lump sum of $34,000 dollars they considered it “Blood Money.” I guess that would make his previous offers Blood Change which everyone knows is useful for purchasing petrol or personal security details or paying slaves to tend your house or whatever the fuck people do there.

Culpable Homicide seems a polite British way of saying Manslaughter, but at least our word sounds pretty fucked up. You’re Culpable when you take the last Bass from the garage cooler. This dude killed a chick. His lawyers are advocating he stay out of prison, because prison would “break him as a person” even further. That’s a cheap shot. Sometimes when you kill a chick in South Africa you end up in a South African prison. Sweden has their No Vacancy light flashing with a 20 person occupancy. I’m guessing a prison assault on Pistorius would seem more likely given his celebrity bionic status, much like someone cowering behind a closed door while a dude wields a pistol at them is more likely to get offed. These are just bigger pistols.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Oscar Pistorius Bounces on Murder Charges

By Lex September 11, 2014 @ 12:50 PM


Oscar Pistorius, the infamous Blade Runner olympic athlete and his high tech artificial legs were acquitted of all murder charges related to him shooting the shit out of his model girlfriend on Valentine’s Day 2013. You may recall Pistorius claims he heard noises from behind his bathroom door early that morning and like any reasonable man, he started unloading his gun through the closed door lest it be an armed intruder or an ambitious Mormon missionary. It turned out to be his hot model girlfriend who he’d been fighting with a lot recently. Surprise, and, happy Valentine’s Day.

The prosecution was pushing for a story where Oscar got all raged up and mowed down his nagging girlfriend through the door as she cowered in fear. But, who would ever buy the story of a big time athlete unleashing his fury on his girlfriend? The judge decided there was no credible evidence to discount Pistorius’ story of what went down so she had to toss the murder charges. He still has some charges pending for shit like being a jackass who fires his gun through a closed door because he hears a strange noise, but he’ll likely get off with a wrist slap and a half-game suspension from Roger Goodell on those charges.

It sucks that there’s a dead model, a dick boyfriend with a smoking gun standing over her, and nobody’s going to get their prosthetics tossed across the prison yard and ass-raped over this. I do take some comfort in knowing I’m no longer the worst boyfriend ever.

Oscar Pistorius Ruled Not Crazy

By Matt July 01, 2014 @ 8:36 AM


A judge ruled that Oscar Pistorius cannot claim insanity in his murder defense because shooting your nagging girlfriend seems pretty normal to most dudes. Pistorius’ lawyers now must rely on the dumbass defense as to why Oscar shot at a supposed intruder through a closed door. Shoot first and ask questions later, especially when you have an even money chance of killing the burglar in your toilet and not your girlfriend. Pistorius will likely claim he needed to protect his space age legs against thieves. He races for the glory of South Africa. Some models might just have to die. That’s called collateral damage. He could start humming the national anthem and talk about how South Africa used to be respected just a couple centuries ago. Killer instinct is why Pistorius is an Olympian and I waste my life asking questions like ‘Who the fuck is there?’ when I have an infrared scope aimed at a hollow core door.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Oscar Pistorius Really Misses the Girlfriend He Shot on Valentine’s Day

By Lex February 14, 2014 @ 6:05 PM

Oscar Pistorius Practicing On The Track
So maybe Oscar Pistorius kind of shot his girlfriend on Valetine’s morning. He says it was an accident. He has no legs, so I’m inclined to believe him. Now, one year later, and just coincidentally a couple weeks before his murder trial, Oscar Pistorious is posting romantic photos of he and Reeva Steenkamp, the girlfriend he accidentally blasted through a bathroom door once or thrice. Oscar says he remains devastated by the loss of his model girlfriend. His sentiments sure seem seem earnest. Of all the ways to lose the love of your life, I imagine shooting them in the head, hip, and arm as they crouch in fear behind a door is probably the toughest.

Photo Credit: www.oscarpistorius.com