Paris Hilton Skills Ascending

By Lex January 19, 2015 @ 9:23 AM

Paris Hilton DJs The Roberto Cavali Party In Milan
Holy christ, Paris, don’t touch the red button. That causes Botswana to explode. Fuck, too late. Somebody should’ve noted that fucking a DJ is not the same as getting a legit DJ’s certificate from the Universal Life Church which also allows you to marry gay men to squirrels when above 5,000 feet. I can’t imagine how Paris feels with her Euro DJ trophy knowing every talentless chick with a decent rack is now also wearing fingerless gloves and pretending to work an audio board at parties. What exactly is she listening for? Maybe somebody is calling her home. Raise your hand toward the Southern sky. The first male model who squats on your first will be your guide.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Superman Soars With Herpes And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 09, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Here’s an interesting proposition for the comic nerds. Can Superman contract The Herp? Current Superma Henry Cavil¬†was seen leaving the Chateau Marmont with Paris Hilton. Kryptonite.

Read all about Superman’s latest foe: the demon rash. (Dlisted)

Nikki Lund in all her wet bikini glory. (Egotastic)

Jennifer Lopez is making a shit ton of money to sing her sucky songs in Vegas. (TMZ)

Kim Kardashian shows off her big ol’ titties in a plunging neckline dress. (Huffington Post)

Check out Charisma Carpenter’s buffies. (Drunken Stepfather)

Alexandria Morgan is practically falling out of her swimsuit. (Popoholic)

Gigi Hadid does some covered topless work for Guess. (The Superficial)

Paris Hilton Has Pink Panties and a Winning Smile

By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 9:37 AM

Paris Hilton Wears Super Cleavy Dress While Doing A DJ Set In London At Bonbonniere
I imagine hell to be Paris Hilton waving her arm in the air DJing at a sweaty nightclub while throngs babble in thick cockney accents. Fuck, I just shuddered. I hope when I get there it’s just flames and pitchforks and Sodomites who cackle over the latest Real Housewives gossip.

Paris whisked herself to London to DJ a wicked nightclub set fresh off being crowned the top DJ in the entire known universe. It’s the Heisman for bon vivants on viral suppressants. Paris looked absolutely fabulous with her tits pushed up and her ass period leaking an enticing stain on the rear of her dress. Her pink panties the international symbol for look but don’t touch or my bodyguard will snap off your dick like a ninja. The scene was perfect. Paris owned the heart of England. With any luck, the Queen will have her murdered like Diana.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/AKM-GSI

Paris Hilton Has No Bra, Wins Award

By Lex December 15, 2014 @ 9:42 AM

Paris Hilton Goes Braless At NRJ Music Awards In Cannes
All the big names in European third wave popular music gathered at the suspiciously unheard of NRJ Awards in Cannes to celebrate their horribleness. Paris Hilton captured the attention of the crowd with her tits while a gang of metrosexual synthesizer players dispassionately raped local orphans to an overbearing Kraftwek soundtrack. Paris was present to accept her award as the best DJ in all the seven Arab fiefdoms and to rub her herpetic snatch along the bannisters of the venue for Barbary pirates to lick and remind themselves of loved ones lost. The entire evening was dubbed a huge success by the same people who dubbed Paris Hilton a gifted musical act. At this point, you shouldn’t need another reason to hate the French.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/Splash

Paris Hilton Is Your DJ of the Year

By Lex November 13, 2014 @ 10:10 AM

Paris Hilton Voted Female DJ Of The Year At NRG DJ Awards
The DJ world was turned on its head last night when Paris Hilton was named the best female spinner in the universe by a group of daisy-chained French metrosexuals. The competition was stiff and included several other girls nobody has ever fucking heard of with sweet house music playlists on their iPods. A cynic might say that the award was in the bag when Paris agreed to pack her lazy eye nose magnet in her carry on and fly off to Monte Carlo to watch the envelope be opened. But I prefer to think of the cream rising to the top. Paris finally being recognized for bringing so much joy to so many people who don’t have an edit button on how they spend their time or money. Hirsute men in black silk shirts and women with faux fur lined herpes blend-in patches are the jury of Paris Hilton’s peers. Last night, through some questionable media outlet, they recognized her DJ genius. There’s no reason to shit on her accomplishments. Though for five thousand euros you could shit on her shoes at the after-party.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet

Paris Hilton Embraces the Holidays

By Lex October 27, 2014 @ 10:40 AM

Paris Hilton In Halloween Costume And Topless With Teddy Bear
Paris Hilton seems to be missing her teenage model boyfriend. He wasn’t her intellectual match, but when he complained about the demon bumps bursting out on his gonads, Paris slapped him across the face and told him he wasn’t being very polite and he never brought it up again. He seemed like a keeper.

Paris spent much of pre-Halloween weekend sharing pictures of herself topless with a Teddy Bear who was wondering what the stuffing he did to deserve winding up a naughty selfie prop. Paris tried on various Halloween costumes until she found the bit of Americana she could most chum up in her easy girl works factory. Minnie Mouse with the cute powdery sneeze. Paris Hilton has been one of the key figures in corrupting an evening meant for children to dress like Dracula and get some candy into a ten day long celebration of costumed sluttery.  That and not killing anybody that we know of remain her finest accomplishments.

Photo Credit: Instagram