By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 5:02 PM
If you’re like me, you’re thinking, boy, I wish there was a way I could combine my admiration of all things Paris Hilton with my passion for the luxury lifestyle represented by the island nation of the Philippines. Well, hello Paris Beach Club, attached to a new upscale residential living complex in one of the fine burghs of the Philippines:
“We wanted to provide our Azure residents the ultimate beach resort experience. Paris, with her exposure to the world’s best beach destinations, had shared very valuable inputs to achieve this objective. She helped us choose the material and color palettes for the project, and had compiled her style inspirations into a book for us. Now, we have a truly world-class beach club for the residents of our Azure development.” — some real estate developer bullshitter.
It’s true. Nobody knows the beach resorts around the world that people with money flock to be as far away from the Philippines as possible quite like Paris Hilton. I can only imagine how rich and robust that style book was. I like blue, and I like green, and it should be shiny… this check is in American dollars, right? Some of Paris personal touches can be found in the beach lounge chairs that give you HSV2 if you’re not wearing proper undergarments and the Typhoon Paris attraction where every evening at 11:11 the wave pool cranks up the horsepower and creates a series of tsunamis that devastate the property and sweep sleeping children away into the sea. Looking back on the tragedy at the Paris Beach Club, nobody will say they didn’t see it coming.
By Travis February 17, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Paris Hilton turns 33 years old today, so naturally she celebrated over the weekend with a huge, star-studded party that featured some of the biggest names in music, movies, TV and fashion. Except, all of their invitations must have gotten lost in the mail, because the only people that showed up to Saturday night’s event at Greystone Manor that I’ve heard of were her parents and Corey Feldman. Paris is a shrewd tactician, though, and she knows how to make people stop talking about how her most famous friend is an 80s child actor who wants to be Charlie Sheen and focus on her. Naturally, she didn’t wear underwear and she flashed her vagina to everyone on the red carpet. Honestly, though, even her parents probably said, “Seen it already” because the only way Paris could shock us with her vagina would be to close it.
Photo Credits: Brian To/WENN.com
By Lex February 07, 2014 @ 5:14 PM
Paris Hilton began her DJ-in-residence at Harrah’s Atlantic City this past week. It’s kind of like when Stephen Hawking becomes a resident scholar for a semester at M.I.T., if Hawking had a lazy eye instead of Lou Gehrig’s disease. Not only is Paris raking in $100,000 a night to run parties by the pool, but she also cleaned up at the blackjack table to the tune of fifty grand. She posted a picture of her winnings on Instagram, as if just wishing you had mad DJ skills and a teenaged boyfriend like Paris Hilton wasn’t enough to covet. It’s unclear what Paris intends to do with her recent windfall, though her herpes charity, Get Your Blisters Off My Business, seems certain to receive a sizable cash infusion.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto.com
By Travis February 03, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
While you were serving up lukewarm canned chili and mildly-roofied Bud Light at your own Super Bowl party this weekend, the 11th annual Leather and Laces party in New York City was the perfect event for anyone who wanted to stare at the world’s most attractive women for two nights while not giving an actual shit about football. Alessandra Ambrosio, Adriana Lima, Bar Refaeli and Brooklyn Decker attended the party at Liberty Theater and probably made the rest of the women feel really inadequate, but then Paris Hilton showed up and the other guests breathed a collective sigh of relief. Hell, they all could have looked like someone threw acid on Rocky Dennis and people would have still been trying to figure out why Paris was standing next to the Victoria’s Secret A-squad.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Travis January 27, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
When you’re the world’s greatest DJ like Paris Hilton, and there’s simply nobody else on this planet who can press play on iTunes like you can, the only reason to even pay attention to the Grammys is for all of the pre-parties thrown by music’s biggest stars, like Jay Z’s big party in Los Angeles on Saturday night. Paris could have gone to the Grammys like some stupid musician looking for validation from the industry’s biggest names, but she already knows that the zeroes on the paychecks that she receives from really desperate nightclubs mean that she’s better than all of the other spoiled rich kids who didn’t need a job and turned to playing electronic music as a “career.” Paris Hilton – 1, the rest of the music industry – 0.
Photo Credits: Winston Burris/WENN.com
By Lex January 24, 2014 @ 3:15 PM
It’s going to be forever difficult for anybody to outdo Whitney Houston’s bathtub performance at the pre-Grammy party two years ago, but Paris Hilton is taking a stab at it. Recognized as a major recording artist herself in several Persian Gulf nations, Paris sewed herself a dress meant to look like she was showing off the place where she hides her cocaine from the police. But it’s all just an elaborate illusion of shadow and cloth and Valtrex salve. Paris is no wasted racist kid anymore. She’s turning 33 next month. You can really see her blossoming into a mature woman. Well, you can almost see.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, WENN