By Lex December 17, 2014 @ 9:37 AM
I imagine hell to be Paris Hilton waving her arm in the air DJing at a sweaty nightclub while throngs babble in thick cockney accents. Fuck, I just shuddered. I hope when I get there it’s just flames and pitchforks and Sodomites who cackle over the latest Real Housewives gossip.
Paris whisked herself to London to DJ a wicked nightclub set fresh off being crowned the top DJ in the entire known universe. It’s the Heisman for bon vivants on viral suppressants. Paris looked absolutely fabulous with her tits pushed up and her ass period leaking an enticing stain on the rear of her dress. Her pink panties the international symbol for look but don’t touch or my bodyguard will snap off your dick like a ninja. The scene was perfect. Paris owned the heart of England. With any luck, the Queen will have her murdered like Diana.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/AKM-GSI
By Lex December 15, 2014 @ 9:42 AM
All the big names in European third wave popular music gathered at the suspiciously unheard of NRJ Awards in Cannes to celebrate their horribleness. Paris Hilton captured the attention of the crowd with her tits while a gang of metrosexual synthesizer players dispassionately raped local orphans to an overbearing Kraftwek soundtrack. Paris was present to accept her award as the best DJ in all the seven Arab fiefdoms and to rub her herpetic snatch along the bannisters of the venue for Barbary pirates to lick and remind themselves of loved ones lost. The entire evening was dubbed a huge success by the same people who dubbed Paris Hilton a gifted musical act. At this point, you shouldn’t need another reason to hate the French.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/Splash
By Lex November 13, 2014 @ 10:10 AM
The DJ world was turned on its head last night when Paris Hilton was named the best female spinner in the universe by a group of daisy-chained French metrosexuals. The competition was stiff and included several other girls nobody has ever fucking heard of with sweet house music playlists on their iPods. A cynic might say that the award was in the bag when Paris agreed to pack her lazy eye nose magnet in her carry on and fly off to Monte Carlo to watch the envelope be opened. But I prefer to think of the cream rising to the top. Paris finally being recognized for bringing so much joy to so many people who don’t have an edit button on how they spend their time or money. Hirsute men in black silk shirts and women with faux fur lined herpes blend-in patches are the jury of Paris Hilton’s peers. Last night, through some questionable media outlet, they recognized her DJ genius. There’s no reason to shit on her accomplishments. Though for five thousand euros you could shit on her shoes at the after-party.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
By Lex October 27, 2014 @ 10:40 AM
Paris Hilton seems to be missing her teenage model boyfriend. He wasn’t her intellectual match, but when he complained about the demon bumps bursting out on his gonads, Paris slapped him across the face and told him he wasn’t being very polite and he never brought it up again. He seemed like a keeper.
Paris spent much of pre-Halloween weekend sharing pictures of herself topless with a Teddy Bear who was wondering what the stuffing he did to deserve winding up a naughty selfie prop. Paris tried on various Halloween costumes until she found the bit of Americana she could most chum up in her easy girl works factory. Minnie Mouse with the cute powdery sneeze. Paris Hilton has been one of the key figures in corrupting an evening meant for children to dress like Dracula and get some candy into a ten day long celebration of costumed sluttery. That and not killing anybody that we know of remain her finest accomplishments.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Jack September 04, 2014 @ 10:35 AM
With all the hoopla over the celebrity nude photo leak, one has to wonder, why the fuck did nobody care the many times before celebrity photos and sex videos got shat out across the Internet? I’d say it’s because people see Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton as lovable sweethearts, while Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, more like the girls Vegas conventioneers pay to see how far she can take a cucumber in her twat.
Read all about America’s nude pic hypocrisy. (Huffington Post)
Joan Rivers isn’t dead yet. You can’t kill the undead. (Dlisted)
I hate Lea Michele’s scrunchy faces but I do enjoy her ass. (Popoholic)
Let’s enjoy these totally grown-up pics of Mckayla Maroney in a swimsuit. (Hollywood Tuna)
Daisy Lowe has some big ‘ol titty balls. (The Superficial)
I never get tired of looking at Emilt Ratajkowski in skimpy underwear. (COED)
Anastasia Ashley, a surfboard, and a tiny swimsuit. Yes. (Drunken Stepfather)
By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 9:51 AM
The fact that Paris Hilton continues to receive a suitcase full of cash for partying at European and Middle Eastern nightclubs continues to amaze me. I know these venues cater to the dumb and the drunk, I just didn’t realize there were places in the world where you could serve an actual shit sandwich and people would gobble it up and pay for the privilege. While Paris was flashing her delicates onstage in Spain, her younger brother was losing control of his BMW speeding around Palm Springs and smashing into a couple other vehicles. They used the Jaws of Life to pry Conrad Hilton from his vehicle. He’s going to live. The Jaws of Life seemed disappointed with the news. This isn’t Paris’ younger stupid brother who gets his ass kicked at celebrity parties. This is her even younger brother who only has yet but a few arrests for drugs and drinking and driving yet under his belt. The original Conrad Hilton is probably turning over in his grave. But mostly because he just learned they’re letting colored folks stay at his hotels now.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News