Paris Hilton DJs In Cannes

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 8:54 AM

Paris Hilton DJs In Cannes
I could tell you how much money Paris Hilton gets slipped into her garter to DJ Cannes film festival nightclub events but it would just cause you to punch something you love. As the reigning world’s greatest DJ as determined by formerly bi-curious men on the continent, Paris’ take is something north of the GDP of the entire misunderstood continent of Africa, though only 72% of what Bill Gates makes thanks to shitty sexism. Everybody comes to see Paris work her laptop, her functioning retina locked on the track pad as if the party lives of four hundred French-speaking Arabs depended on it. Cannes is bank for Paris. If you hate it, you hate capitalism and are probably rooting for ISIS. Stop hating on Paris and start loving America. You won’t get the herp if you take her from behind. Read it on Web MD.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Paris Hilton Is Open to Interpretation

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 11:21 AM

Paris Hilton Is The Queen Of Fucking Everything
There are two ways to read Paris Hilton’s new motto. I choose to go with the more degrading. She will fuck everything. This doesn’t sound like something to brag about necessarily, unless you can turn your hundred million trust fund into two hundred million in trust fund plus DJ and fragrance fees. Her eye didn’t go lazy, it’s just cockeyed from staring up from men’s waistbands and letting them know they’ll be taking three thousand cases. That’s not a cum splash, that’s a signature. You have to be the queen of something.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Tinkerbell Is Dead And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 22, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Paris Hilton’s famous glorified rat, Tinkerbell, has died at the age of fifteen. The chihuahua whore launched a thousand dumb bitches carrying dogs in purses in the early 2000′s. Nothing can heal the pain of a lost canine friend. Though snorting rails out of his dog bowl couldn’t hurt.

Read all about the dead dog. (Huffington Post)

Chinese model Mai Ping Guo just a seat belt? Asian yes, please. (Egotastic)

Lindsay Lohan tries to say “You’re beautiful” in Arabic and says “I am a donkey instead. (TMZ)

Nina Serebrova’s bare ass will make your day. (Drunken Stepfather)

Meanwhile, in Joanna Krupa’s tits news…(Hollywood Tuna)

Blake Lively forgot to wear a bra. (Popoholic)

Remember Suicide Girls? Yeah, you do. (The Chive)

Paris Hilton Is Coachella

By Lex April 20, 2015 @ 10:42 AM

Paris Hilton Dances At Coachella
Dance like nobody’s watching. Fuck like everybody paid for seats. I admire Paris Hilton’s motto. Also the way her caretakers drop her and her pill organizer off to so many places each week. Ignorance is bliss, but nothing compared to being dumb and rich. Reality only sets in when the music stops.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Barbie Gets the Demon Bumps

By Lex March 18, 2015 @ 10:58 AM

Paris  Hilton Pretends To Be A Barbie For Odda Magazine
Somebody had the ingenius idea of posing Paris Hilton as a sexualized Barbie Doll. I’m going to guess it wasn’t the makers of Barbie. Their sales are tanking, but they still want to go to heaven. Young girls who used to be stuck in sexist cliches like shopper and homemaker and stewardess can now envision themselves as lazy-eyed party girls who cozy up to the boys with the good cocaine. Barbie has always been about expanding the potential of womanhood in the minds of young girls. Pubic hairs on the pillow seem like the natural next step.

Photo Credit: Odda Magazine

Paris Hilton’s Stalker A Keeper

By Matt March 02, 2015 @ 6:07 AM

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Paris Hilton has a stalker named Johnny Rock Page who enjoys dressing up in motorcycle gear and calling himself a pro racer. He recently got into Hilton’s gated community by saying he was a flower delivery guy at which point he scared the shit out of Hilton and she asked the number for 911. Page had come to deliver a Cadillac to her which he bought as a gift. He’s also mailed her a wedding dress and had two separate aerial banner flown over her house which read:

“Can’t Get Paris Whitney Hilton Out of My Mind… Mr. & Mrs. Hilton, may I court your daughter Paris?”

The Cadillac sat on the street and then someone came and bashed out all the windows. Page denied being the culprit in a letter he hand pasted from magazine scraps. Page also has two daughters who are going to have to transfer schools now. The oldest rule in the book is chicks don’t like a dude who seems desperate. He could have been inside her already if he’d just called her fat or read her Wiki page out loud.

Photo Credit: Twitter