Nicky Hilton Flashes Panties on Her Wedding Day

By Lex July 14, 2015 @ 1:22 PM

Nicky Hilton Panty Peek On Wedding Day
Nicky Hilton flashed her panties on her wedding day because beneath a $100,000 dress at a million dollar wedding still beats the heart of a Hilton. She may be boring and dull and occasionally tested with a glass slide beneath her nostrils for signs of life, but only a Rothschild gets to see the hooch. Consider this one of those stores where they don’t have price tags and if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. Those may just be urban legend. But really, you can’t afford Nicky Hilton. On the other hand, her sister will appear like Beelzebub’s snatch magnet if you’re having an epic night at the Treasure Island pai gow tables. Say Candyman three times into the ashtray of the old Chinese guy next to you. Just make sure everybody understands by candy you mean cocaine.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Paris Hilton Is Still Alive And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 10, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Paris Hilton just wants to be your friend. No, not you, loser. She doesn’t like you. Or your black buddy. She will smile for a dollar, but she won’t mean it. Friends forever.

Here she is, trying to convince people she’s still relevant. (TMZ)

Alexis Ren does the whole bikini thing in Mykonos. (Egotastic)

Hanna Davis shows off her tits for SI Swim Daily. (Drunken Stepfather)

This is Gabriela Iliescu and these are her titties. (Hollywood Tuna)

Selena Gomez can lick my donut any day. (Popoholic)

I do enjoy females of the Asian persuasion. (The Chive)

Emily Ratjkowski in a red swimsuit makes my peepee happy. (The Superficial)

Paris Hilton Working the Holidays

By Lex July 07, 2015 @ 8:26 AM

Paris Hilton Bikini Top For 4th of July In Las Vegas
Nobody is more American than Paris Hilton. She is the invisible hand that tugs the cock of capitalism. No matter where Paris is at any given time or what she is doing, she is getting paid. She doesn’t need to work. Her sister doesn’t. She wants to work. For about an hour last week the world was flummoxed as to whether or not Paris Hilton was in on her Dubai Air Crash prank show. Then everybody remembered she landed safely and grimaced simultaneously. That’s one million bones. Paris’ herpes sores swell into likenesses of the local currency symbols no matter where she is in the world. This is the game. Paris is winning.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Paris Hilton Fakes It And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 02, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Lazy-eyed heiress Paris Hilton may have been in on that plane crash practical joke from earlier in the week. At least that’s what people are saying. I don’t buy it. That DJ is not good enough of an actress. She used to get upstaged by her dog.

Could someone as honest as Paris lie? (Huffington Post)

Stella Maxwell’s tits are delightful. That Miley is one lucky bitch. (Egotastic)

Matt Damon’s ponytail is the worst thing to happen to the world since 9/11. (TMZ)

Berit Birkeland, River Lana, and Yasmina Jones want you to see their pretty pink nips. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jennifer Nicole Lee’s tits get patriotic with American flag bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)

Eva Longoria knows how to fill out a bikini. (Popoholic)

Bras are for losers. (The Chive)

Paris Hilton Terrorized By Arabs (VIDEO)

By Lex June 29, 2015 @ 11:51 AM

Arab TV audiences have unique sensibility on humor. It leans toward stoning women to death for touching their own nipples. The Dubai TV prank show conceit here is that Paris Hilton is told she’s going to puddle jump on a prop plane to some commercial event. A famous Egyptian TV personality who nobody recognizes outside of hotel satellite channels across the U.A.E sprays a nasty toilet scent throughout the plane. It’s not entirely explained why, but apparently it’s funny that something smells worse than Middle Eastern men on flights. A terrorist takeover is staged because 9/11 comedy still tracks well on the Peninsula. A guy who looks like the pilot is thrown out of the rear cargo door as the aircraft begins to nose dive. All the other passengers on the plane are in on the ruse except for Paris Hilton who is crying and screaming about not wanting to die a virgin. It’s worth a shot.

I’d call it fake except I’m not sure Paris has any dramatic skills outside of convincing her boyfriends that semi-erect cocaine dick makes her horny. She seems literally shaken. Though not so much she forgets to blast the host and talk about how this scared the shit out of her and was the best prank ever.

Fucking with Paris Hilton is far easier than it is smart. Watching her face when she realized she’d shit her pants on a punking was like watching the baby killer whale slip dead out of Orca’s old lady. Enjoy your chuckles, ISIS. Even Allah’s taking shelter.

Paris Hilton Had a Leak

By Lex June 19, 2015 @ 11:31 AM

Paris Hilton Wears Swimsuits In Ibiza
According to unreliable media outlets reviewing the unreliable stories run in InTouch magazine, Kim Kardashian was the secret source of Paris Hilton boozy drunken slutty rich girl gossip during her time as Paris’ lackey. This was before Ray J mixed urine and cum on her lumbar regions and turned her into a fabulous princess. Now that InTouch magazine has broken their one legit story ever with the Duggar molestations, they’re trying to disavow the entire breadth of their past. This includes the minor ombudsman note that they completely concocted stories for the entire rest of their publication life. Since only really stupid people didn’t question it, we all decided as a society to let it be semi-legal. Like professional wrestling or Presidential politics. Many are claiming that ‘disloyal’ ought to be added to the list of Kim Kardashian attributes. I’m good with the traditional money-grubbing porn star midget. If I’m adding any more adjectives, I’m going with conjunctivitis ass. Jackals don’t have a word for acting like jackals.

Photo Credit: Instagram