By Matt August 28, 2015 @ 7:29 AM
It probably wasn’t fair Paula Deen was fired from her TV gig and lost all her sponsors because she dropped the N Word sometime around Reconstruction. Also not fair to the general public that because she’s behind on house payments we’ll now have to watch her on Dancing With The Stars. Just give her a show where she pours butter into a pan and garnishes it with a sprig of parsley before chugging it as an aperitif. Nipples still aren’t allowed on TV but she’ll be squeezing her shoulder fat into a one piece in good taste. Deen always got a lot of heat for her Southern style dishes which promoted obesity which generally leads to racism. Now she’ll have to put her money where her mouth is. Watch Magda from Something About Mary shimmy around on the dance floor and you’ll think twice about her scalloped potato recipe. In fact honey I’m feeling a bit nauseous, let’s skip dinner tonight and go down on each other. Put a pineapple ring on my dick and I’ll stick an asparagus in you. So these are fruits and vegetables? Wild stuff.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt July 08, 2015 @ 6:29 AM
Since Paula Deen was labeled the next Hitler and banished to internet television she’s been living out some bizarre incestual Pee Wee’s Playhouse fantasy with her son Bobby, who as evidenced by this photo is a fucking creep. Deen tweeted a Halloween photo from several years ago where the pair are dressed as Lucy and Ricky Ricardo, who were husband and wife, again, weird. It appears Bobby has darkened his face to appear Cuban, which would make sense and probably be ignored were this not her thirtieth race related controversy. If you go as a Jamaican guy you wear black dreads, what am I missing and why are we drawing the line at face paint? Clearly there is a War on Halloween in this country to go along with the blitzkrieg on Christmas. Soon fun will be illegal yet I predict hate crimes remain steady. It’s called addressing the root of the problem, which is in fact Paula Deen. Soul food is one thing, but white people cooking scalloped potatoes which will give you an insulin seizure are the root of all racism in this country. First we get rid of the food, then we hold hands while trick or treating. I’m going as Ray Rice.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt December 23, 2014 @ 7:38 AM
Paula Deen wants to wish you Happy Holidays from the Paula Deen Network, the online channel she started after making enemies with 47 percent of the population. It’s like peering through the window of those weird people down the street with the seven live-in adult children and the patriarch who drives the Rolls Royce. Basically just a lot of getting fucked up and enjoying each other’s company too much until they retire to the basement for some Eyes Wide Shut type shit. They are drinking glasses full of bourbon flavored whipped cream in smoking jackets for Fuck’s Sake. It’s morbidly entertaining. Deen explained she will have creative control over the new network which means not paying for an editor:
“When you’re on a major network, they have the control over what you say, what you do, what you air. And I think my friends want more than that from me. And this way, we can give it to ‘em. We show warts and all. There’s very little editing.”
If you watch ten minutes of this stoned once a week I guarantee you’ll see something you won’t forget, for better or worse. This is the drunk Ed McMahon Tonight Show period, featuring the Jesco White’ Clan with a rolling David Arquette stumbling through the frame. Not Must See, but Must Not Turn Away.
Just when we thought we’d heard the worst of Paula Deen’s racist shenanigans, it’s now come out that Paula asked one of her black employees to dress like Aunt Jemima. Well, like a stereotypical “mammy” from slavery days not necessarily the racist mascot for the maple syrup, but you know what I mean. In an article in the New York Times a former Deen cook named Dora Charles alleges that besides paying black employees less and dropping N-bombs all the time, Deen also asked her to act like a mammy. Deen was putting on a Confederate themed shindig for other racist rednecks when she came up with the bright idea of having Charles wear a gingham dress, red bandana, etc. and ring a dinner bell and yell, “Come an get it!”. Charles told Deen to shove it up her fat honky ass.
There are still people that think that Deen doesn’t deserve to have her celebrity chef career destroyed over all of this racist BS. Seriously? It’s not fucking OK to ask black employees to act like slaves. Why is this even up for debate? Because it happened several years ago? You don’t see that option on job applications. Have you ever been convicted of a felony? If you answered yes, was it a long time ago, in which case, no problem. Paula Deen might be a more enlightened boss now. But she never paid for the crap she did in the past. Karma doesn’t work on a tight schedule.
By Lex July 02, 2013 @ 5:32 PM
America used to be great for many things. Now, we’re down to just being the best goddamn porn producers in the world. Nobody makes porn like we do. Russia makes a shitload, but it’s horribly lit shit obsessed with old nylons that somebody’s mom had to wait in line four months to get. The Scandinavians don’t really even bother any more. Asian stuff is cool if you really really want to nail a naughty schoolgirl. America owns it. We understand that everybody likes something different. Like some dudes out there who like to see the chunky older folks getting it on. Hotties like n-bomb dropping Paula Deen who PureMature.com has offered a six figure sum to be basted in man juices on camera.
“Full figured or thin, arthritic or diabetic — you embody our perfect spokesperson”, wrote the porn site in an open letter to Paula.
Wow, that’s not fucking disturbing at all. But that’s why America rocks at porn. We’d do diabetic double penetration (cock and needle). And somebody out there would buy it and be very happy. No judging. Just Paula Deen, a rolling pin, and the plantation rent payment being made for the month. I’d watch.
By Lex June 26, 2013 @ 4:26 PM
Facing the loss of millions of dollars in business deals, troubled celebrity chef Paula Deen has hired Judy Smith, crisis counselor to the very troubled rich and famous, to help stop her free fall. Judy is known for her thoughtful advice to troubled clients and is likely to give Paula such helpful tips as stop calling black people by the N-word, rebrand her famous plantation parties as ‘Old Fashioned Nights’, and remove the Jiggaboo Chicken Salad from the menu at all her restaurants. Fixing things won’t be easy for Paula. But sometimes you’ve got to look at yourself in the mirror and say, I’m simply going to start hiding shit a lot better from now on.