By Matt December 23, 2014 @ 7:38 AM
Paula Deen wants to wish you Happy Holidays from the Paula Deen Network, the online channel she started after making enemies with 47 percent of the population. It’s like peering through the window of those weird people down the street with the seven live-in adult children and the patriarch who drives the Rolls Royce. Basically just a lot of getting fucked up and enjoying each other’s company too much until they retire to the basement for some Eyes Wide Shut type shit. They are drinking glasses full of bourbon flavored whipped cream in smoking jackets for Fuck’s Sake. It’s morbidly entertaining. Deen explained she will have creative control over the new network which means not paying for an editor:
“When you’re on a major network, they have the control over what you say, what you do, what you air. And I think my friends want more than that from me. And this way, we can give it to ‘em. We show warts and all. There’s very little editing.”
If you watch ten minutes of this stoned once a week I guarantee you’ll see something you won’t forget, for better or worse. This is the drunk Ed McMahon Tonight Show period, featuring the Jesco White’ Clan with a rolling David Arquette stumbling through the frame. Not Must See, but Must Not Turn Away.
By Jack July 25, 2013 @ 3:46 PM
Just when we thought we’d heard the worst of Paula Deen’s racist shenanigans, it’s now come out that Paula asked one of her black employees to dress like Aunt Jemima. Well, like a stereotypical “mammy” from slavery days not necessarily the racist mascot for the maple syrup, but you know what I mean. In an article in the New York Times a former Deen cook named Dora Charles alleges that besides paying black employees less and dropping N-bombs all the time, Deen also asked her to act like a mammy. Deen was putting on a Confederate themed shindig for other racist rednecks when she came up with the bright idea of having Charles wear a gingham dress, red bandana, etc. and ring a dinner bell and yell, “Come an get it!”. Charles told Deen to shove it up her fat honky ass.
There are still people that think that Deen doesn’t deserve to have her celebrity chef career destroyed over all of this racist BS. Seriously? It’s not fucking OK to ask black employees to act like slaves. Why is this even up for debate? Because it happened several years ago? You don’t see that option on job applications. Have you ever been convicted of a felony? If you answered yes, was it a long time ago, in which case, no problem. Paula Deen might be a more enlightened boss now. But she never paid for the crap she did in the past. Karma doesn’t work on a tight schedule.
By Lex July 02, 2013 @ 5:32 PM
America used to be great for many things. Now, we’re down to just being the best goddamn porn producers in the world. Nobody makes porn like we do. Russia makes a shitload, but it’s horribly lit shit obsessed with old nylons that somebody’s mom had to wait in line four months to get. The Scandinavians don’t really even bother any more. Asian stuff is cool if you really really want to nail a naughty schoolgirl. America owns it. We understand that everybody likes something different. Like some dudes out there who like to see the chunky older folks getting it on. Hotties like n-bomb dropping Paula Deen who PureMature.com has offered a six figure sum to be basted in man juices on camera.
“Full figured or thin, arthritic or diabetic — you embody our perfect spokesperson”, wrote the porn site in an open letter to Paula.
Wow, that’s not fucking disturbing at all. But that’s why America rocks at porn. We’d do diabetic double penetration (cock and needle). And somebody out there would buy it and be very happy. No judging. Just Paula Deen, a rolling pin, and the plantation rent payment being made for the month. I’d watch.
By Lex June 26, 2013 @ 4:26 PM
Facing the loss of millions of dollars in business deals, troubled celebrity chef Paula Deen has hired Judy Smith, crisis counselor to the very troubled rich and famous, to help stop her free fall. Judy is known for her thoughtful advice to troubled clients and is likely to give Paula such helpful tips as stop calling black people by the N-word, rebrand her famous plantation parties as ‘Old Fashioned Nights’, and remove the Jiggaboo Chicken Salad from the menu at all her restaurants. Fixing things won’t be easy for Paula. But sometimes you’ve got to look at yourself in the mirror and say, I’m simply going to start hiding shit a lot better from now on.
By Travis June 26, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Paula Deen appeared on The Today Show this morning to talk about the fallout of her reported use of the N-word, and how it has affected her personally. She told Matt Lauer that she has been exhausted since everyone found out that she admitted to using racial slurs, according to the deposition she gave for the lawsuit a former employee filed against her on the grounds of racism.
Paula told Matt that she believes that “every one of God’s creatures was created equal” even though she previously displayed that she thinks some are just better servants than others. She was also quick to include a reference to gay people and other religions, just so she has her old, white bases covered.
By Jack June 25, 2013 @ 11:26 AM
We told you last week about Paula Deen getting in trouble for throwing slavery themed parties. Not satisfied with having her Black employees only look like slaves, she treated them as if they were slaves. According to a former cook named Sheldon Ervin, she regularly forced the African-American men in her employ to work long nights and weekend events for no money. I don’t mean a little money, I mean nothing. Well, maybe some booze:
“Paula and Bubba just gave us beer and alcohol and I don’t even drink. It was insulting and unfair. I was like, ‘Pay me!’…I needed the money and I was the only one to step up and complain over it because half of the kitchen just needed their jobs. I was fired over it in the end because I’m not afraid to speak my mind.”
That’s right. She would make them dress in Uncle Ben’s uniform, set up tents, cook the food, and serve her fellow rich hillbilly guests and only pay them in Natty Light. One of the fucked up members of her Redneck clan was allowed to refer to a family cook as “my little monkey”. All of this has led to Paula’s show being cancelled and the loss of valuable sponsors, most recently sausage maker Smithfield Foods. You know you are in trouble when pork sausage makers think you are gross.
Not that Paula Deen is without her defenders. Like creepy vampire writer Anne Rice who is calling all the recent negative exposure on Paul Deen’s a ‘lynch mob mentality‘. Anne Rice got a thousand Facebook likes on that on the nose turn of a phrase. There are also reports that devoted fans are packing her restaurants to show their support. This is getting good.