The new Victorias Secret commercial directed by Michael Bay has finally arrived (see it here), and it’s very much like a regular Victorias Secret commercial, except more Michael Bay-ey. Get out your checklist:
- Shot of a character very far away, walking toward the camera but blurred as heat rises up from the road? Damn right.
- Hero shot from below, framing the character with a blue sky behind them? You know it!
- Incoherent action? From start to finish my friends.
- Thoughtful characters? Not a one.
- Explosions? Why wouldn’t there be!
There’s no sassy black character who’s had it with all your motherfuckin bullshit or an elderly Asian character who has no reaction to the insane action going on just a few feet behind him, but why would Bay give that away for free when people will pay 12 dollars for it.
A few years ago, a director named Kerry Conran spent 4 years on his Mac making a 6-minute trailer about giant robot war machines. A famous producer saw the footage, and that trailer became the movie, ‘Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow’. It lost $80 million.
A few years after that, director Michael Davis made a 17-minute reel of animated footage showing different action scenes that he wanted to turn into a movie. The ideas were stupid, but so is Hollywood so New Line gave him a bunch of money and those drawings became ‘Shoot Em Up’. It lost $52 million.
52 is less than 80, so sensing that this was moving in the right direction, Hollywood will try the same idea once again. The LA Times says…
When Federico Alvarez came to Hollywood two weeks ago, he was a total unknown.
After seeing his short film, which depicts an invasion of Montevideo by a battalion of giant robots, Mandate Pictures agreed to bankroll a $30-million upcoming film for Alvarez, with the filmmaker getting a cool $1 million director’s fee.
Alvarez also made the rounds of the talent agencies and ended up leaving town with a CAA agent team as well as a deal with Anonymous Content to represent him for commercials. Most important, Alvarez also came away with an A-list Hollywood godfather, “Spider-Man” director Sam Raimi, who will serve as a mentor and producer, through his Ghost House Pictures, on Alvarez’s first American film.
So it would seem they forgot that they already tried this once with giant robots. Which means they probably forgot they tired this with drawings too. Which is why I’ve already started on 17 minutes of drawings. It’s like ‘300′. Except it’s girls. And it’s just one, and she’s naked. And not fighting. So, basically, nothing like ‘300′, but once they hear ‘300′ those dipshits will get so excited they’ll start handing me their wallets and car keys.
Last week Tila Tequila was high as a fuckin kite feeling frisky and put on a rambling naked webcam show that lasted for several hours. It was confusing and unsexy, but if that’s just the way you like her, this is your lucky day.
…a new XXX video surfaced on a porn site called 4tube.com featuring Tila in a very compromising adult position with a naked man. Tila doesn’t know why the video is surfacing now, but she claims it was ripped from a laptop that she reported stolen roughly two years ago — and now she’s threatening to sue the site for posting the clip.
Well, at least she’s little, so if you’re gonna do it with a reality star it might as well be her. Paris Hilton would be very last on the list. She’s all worn out and the only thing you’d feel is the burning as the STDs worked their magic. It would be like putting your penis is a hoop of fire, except way more embarrassing.
(you can see the nsfw 4tube clip here, and if you havn’t seen the highlights of her webcam show there’s two more clips here and here.)
Hahaha, you suck Jennifer Lopez! It took an embarrassingly long time to find a quality download for this and then to cut and resize and host it, but it was time well spent to see Jennifa Yopez fall on her fat ass at last nights American Music Awards.
It really tells you what a tub of shit she is that the big acrobatic dance move was to jump off someones back. What does that even prove? That she’s aware of gravity? Big fuckin deal, so am I. Why even risk it? It can only lead to disaster. If you fall down, this happens. If you land on your feet, who the hell cares? Human beings are supposed to be able to hop three feet (with someone helping you, btw) without landing like someone pushed a newborn giraffe onto a frozen lake.
This is bad timing because of that last reality show post, but at least Tila Tequila did something interesting this morning when she turned on her camera, waved a gun around, took her clothes off and ranted for hours online about Shawn Meriman beating her and drugs and people who hate her.
“People call me an attention whore .. or whatever … but excuse me I’m a grown ass woman and I’m confident in myself. I think a woman’s body is a beautiful thing … that’s why I’m a lesbian … I was born naked … anybody who is against that is gay and in denial.”
“I am an angel … because I am here to save the world with my army.”
I don’t think Tila is pretty but she takes all of her clothes off in order to get attention, and that’s a very endearing quality. It says a lot about a girl. She’s not all uptight and conceited and selfish. A girl who will show you her tits for no reason is gonna be fun to hang around with. And if the demons in her head occasionally tell her to have sex with me for attention, well that just makes her even more exciting.
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS - has a new episode of ‘Between Two Ferns’, this time with Andy Richter and Conan O’Brien. Anything I write here will look dumb compared to even the smallest thing Zach and Andy do in this, so I’m giving up except to say fuck them both. (funny or die)
JESSICA ALBA - has written an article about her trip to DC last week. She says she went, “to pound the pavement and talk about education for the world’s poorest children.” And there’s a picture included of Jessica with Hillary Clinton who is autographing a soccer ball. Problem Solved! (huff post)
JOHNNY DEPP - has signed a deal paying him $35 million to do a fourth ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie. In a related story, I sleep on a bed stuffed with old newspapers and hay. Horray for Hollywood! (the sun)
BEYONCE - carries a small wind machine with her around in clubs, even when she’s sitting down, to “keep her hair blowing everywhere - just like it does in her ‘Crazy in Love’ video.” This is an easier way to look sexy than my suggestion, which was to carry a treadmill everywhere so she could run her fat ass off. (the mirror and wenn images)
