By Matt October 17, 2014 @ 7:23 AM
War Machine attempted to strangle himself with a bed sheet while in jail cell awaiting trial on badly assaulting his girlfriend charges and must have tapped out before a prison guard cut him free. His lawyers clearly told him he’s legally fucked for about the next thirty years. On the bright side, if you happen to be obsessed with physical violence and dude fucking, you really couldn’t pick a better place to spend your days than state prison.
War Machine specialized in knocking out people weaker than him, so it’s surprising he couldn’t figure out how to sucker hang himself. All you need is to get drunk, shine one of those prison mirrors against the bars and throw a haymaker. One of your two parties will lose. At that point you can try and jam your finger up your own ass and throw that homemade noose around your neck. War Machine left a note most likely explaining what a badass he was to the very end. It’s got to be disheartening ultimately knowing you’re not as committed as the Cleveland kidnapper.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex September 04, 2014 @ 10:17 AM
I feel like we were just getting to know the real War Machine. The MMA fighter slash adult film stunt cock slash gay private party server slash best boyfriend ever. They just hit him with 32 counts of assault against the porn star girlfriend who really got under his skin. I’m not sure who counted that up. I thought you just got assault for beating the crap out of somebody. But I guess when you’re a fucking war machine, every blow is a separate count.
War Machine’s enhanced whey powder fanatics are defending their favorite lady beater by insisting that Christy Mack wasn’t beat up as bad as she claims. As far as legal defenses go, that’s not such a strong one. If the dude Christy was banging when War Machine found her wasn’t a witness, he might stand a chance of some bullshit plea. But as it is, he’s looking at life behind bars, or a 2-game suspension from the NFL.
I’m not a huge fan of alternative sentencing, but couldn’t we maybe drop this guy in Syria and give him 36 hours to go find the crazy Muslim who runs ISIS and take him out. That’s what we would’ve done if Rambo had knocked his girl senseless. A War Machine behind bars seems pretty senseless. If he imagines all the ISIS bastards are his cheating girlfriend, he could probably get this done. We could plant a homing chip in his neck tattoo like they did to Snake Plissken. If Reagan were still President, War Machine would already be halfway to Damascus.
Photo credit: Twitter
By Matt August 18, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Recently arrested MMA fighter War Machine has been dropped by Alpha Male Shit, the clothing line he helped create. War Machine had been one of the faces of the company along with his dangerously in love porn star girlfriend, Christy Mack. Alpha Male Shit is made for pathetic dudes who sprinkle the alpha dog’s kill with freshly ground pepper. The company released a statement that the line “Has been taken over by a Navy SEAL” because everyone knows that nondescript Navy SEAL guy who saves shitty clothing websites and does not exist. The site does not mention the tons of gay sex War Machine had on camera during his porn career, but it does offer a generic manifesto that really means business because its written in all caps.
THINKING FOR ONESELF
FOLLOWING YOUR CONSCIENCE AND NOT THE WORDS IN A BOOK
AND ALL KINDS OF OTHER ALPHA SHIT!
Dropping War Machine is not a smart move. This clothing line is obviously marketed to a fringe group of society’s rejects including guys who have kill lists and dream of putting girls on leashes. Beating the shit out of a defenseless chick and going on the lam is about as raw as it gets. War Machine’s actions have really jibed with the core beliefs of this meth binge formal attire. My money says busts out of his holding cell and decapitates the Navy SEAL guy while he’s in his bedroom lip synching to Korn records and jerking it to some of War’s guy on guy material. Then, naturally, Christy Mack will take him back. You can’t beat the stupid out of people.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Matt August 11, 2014 @ 5:33 PM
It appears War Machine caught porn star girlfriend Christy Mack fucking another dude before he beat the living shit out of her. War Machine is now a fugitive but tweeted some weird shit to Mack from his bunker which suggests that relationships between ex-cons and porn stars can be trying at best:
I only wish that man hadn’t been there and that Christy & I would behappily engaged.I don’t know y I’m so cursed.One day truth will come out.
I love you and hope you’re okay. I came him early to surprise you and help you set up for your convention. I can’t believe what I found and can’t believe what happened… All I wanted was to surprise you and help and do something nice…now this… I’m so heart broken…in all ways. I will always love you.
It’s possible he caught her performing a voodoo seance which conflicted with his Christian values, but more than likely Mack was getting plowed by the mailman. Given his ten million arrests and imprisonments for violent outbursts, it’s also possible War Machine is a horse juice fueled lunatic who thinks there are times when beating a woman half to death is appropriate. I don’t think there are, but if you had to pick a time that might be it. If you are with a guy named War Machine and have somebody else’s dick inside you when he gets back early from Home Depot, some shit might go down. If I worked for ESPN, I would now be suspended.
Photo Credit: Twitter