TOM AND KATIE GET MARRIED TOMORROW

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will get "married" in a Scientology ceremony tomorrow at Odescalchi Castle in Italy.   The 600 year old castle in the lakeside town of Bracciano has been descended on by international media and celebrity friends like Jim Carrey and his gf Jenny McCarthy, Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, and Brooke Shields, just to name a few.   Also there are Scientology pals John Travolta and Kirste Alley.   A Scientology marriage is not legally recognized in Italy, and must be preceded or followed by a civil union.  There are five different types of Scientology wedding services, none more bat shit crazy touching then the "Traditional Ceremony" with vows written by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard in the 1950s.  And oh god does it show.  The first words are, "you are my property now…"  Probably.

In what the church calls a traditional ceremony, the groom says, "Hear well … for promise binds, young men are free and may forget, remind him then that you may have necessities and follies too … Girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat."

No seriously. They say that girls need cooking supplies and maybe a cat.  During the fucking wedding they say the girl needs bakeware and a pet to keep her company.  It's borderline amazing it doesn't mention how voting should be left to the men and how "the blacks" sure are getting uppity.  Sadly, Katie might not get a cat because Cruise has chosen the "Double Ring" ceremony.  It contains something called the "Triangle ritual":

"They're asked to imagine that inside each ring is an 'ARC' triangle," referring to an acronym for "affinity, reality, communication."  The couple is also asked to make a pact "that you will never close your eyes and sleep on a broken triangle.  And that pledge is that they'll never close their eyes and sleep on an upset or disagreement or argument."

I'm not sure why you're not allowed to go to sleep right after an argument.  What is there to discuss?  The woman should just apologize and be done with it.  Maybe her friends the broom and the dustpan can talk some sense into her.  Or do I have to take off my belt, young lady…

source – Forbes and CBS