Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will get "married" in a Scientology ceremony tomorrow at Odescalchi Castle in Italy. The 600 year old castle in the lakeside town of Bracciano has been descended on by international media and celebrity friends like Jim Carrey and his gf Jenny McCarthy, Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, and Brooke Shields, just to name a few. Also there are Scientology pals John Travolta and Kirste Alley. A Scientology marriage is not legally recognized in Italy, and must be preceded or followed by a civil union. There are five different types of Scientology wedding services, none more bat shit crazy touching then the "Traditional Ceremony" with vows written by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard in the 1950s. And oh god does it show. The first words are, "you are my property now…" Probably.
In what the church calls a traditional ceremony, the groom says, "Hear well … for promise binds, young men are free and may forget, remind him then that you may have necessities and follies too … Girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat."
No seriously. They say that girls need cooking supplies and maybe a cat. During the fucking wedding they say the girl needs bakeware and a pet to keep her company. It's borderline amazing it doesn't mention how voting should be left to the men and how "the blacks" sure are getting uppity. Sadly, Katie might not get a cat because Cruise has chosen the "Double Ring" ceremony. It contains something called the "Triangle ritual":
"They're asked to imagine that inside each ring is an 'ARC' triangle," referring to an acronym for "affinity, reality, communication." The couple is also asked to make a pact "that you will never close your eyes and sleep on a broken triangle. And that pledge is that they'll never close their eyes and sleep on an upset or disagreement or argument."
I'm not sure why you're not allowed to go to sleep right after an argument. What is there to discuss? The woman should just apologize and be done with it. Maybe her friends the broom and the dustpan can talk some sense into her. Or do I have to take off my belt, young lady…
Wow, Katie actually looks OK (Her face/body not that God-awful dress) but Tom looks like shit! Needs hair-cut, shave and double chin! That fucker should have been working out too, not just whipping Katie on the treadmill shouting “Faster you fat bitch! Or the Theatans will get you!!!”
I’m not sure why your not allowed to go to sleep right after an argument
^ it’s you’re, not your! Grammar police.
Is the bridal car some kind of spaceship then? With a sign on the bumper reading “Just Enslaved”?
I wanted that stuff in my vows too, but my wife just mocks me as I shake my fist and impotently bellow. “Obey me, Wife!”… sigh.
Tom has definitely been piling on the weight since MI3. He looks like shit. Get a haircut and hit the gym slacker.
This is all because geeks never get any in highschool. This whole fucking bullshit religion wouldnt exist if they had.
I heard somewhere that the scientology double ring wedding bands are worn on the woman’s middle and ring fingers with a chain connecting them to remind her of her place if she thinks about sassing the man.
ah bryce you beat me to it… seriously tom’s a friggin hypocrite. and B nice touch with the addition of Brooke Shields to the guest list.
Wow, in Scientology is it ok to get married before a turn on Dancing With The Stars? Because the costumes are scaring me. On other news…contact me for personal celeb fun–we are putting a club together–wwtdd.20.kritosia.spamgourmet.com
I wish I could somehow buy a big flying saucer just like those you see in cheesy B-movies from the 70’s and fly it over this wedding for two reasons. 1. It’d freak all these freaks out to the Nth degree, sending most guests so much further into their L.RonHubbard cult, hopefully to never be seen again AND would make Tom think his wedding to the girl-formerly-known-as-cute was the most special of all cult weddings. 2. I’d be able to take thousands of photos which I’d sell to the rags for bazillions, allowing me to retire on a private island filled with strippers, hookers and porn stars, AND, more inportantly, WITHOUT a connection to this dumb world we live in filled with people on the guest list of this “wedding.”
When I was in school in DC, I met an older attorney who told me of the afternoon he spent with Hubbard once day in Dupont Circle (now a predominantly gay area) in the 50s or 60s. He said he was introduced to this guy (Hubbard) who started joking about how he had come up with this hokey idea and was going to be rich, etc. and there were laughs all around. I am not one to judge the validity of anyone’s religion, but I think all celebrities should be lynched and their “earnings” given to charity, but that’s just me.
I love reading stuff like this. I swear I meet homeless people on the streets of NYC that have more sense than these two crazy fucking assholes. Crazy fucking assholes. I can’t think of three better words to describe them. Come on, say it with me. Crazy. Fucking. Assholes. Say it out loud. It’s fun. Crazy….
Is there a picture where he is not touching her? I like my man to be romantic, but this is bordering on serial killer. Or at least, creepy, obviously faked war bride fondling. I have to go throw up now.
May lord Zenu bless them all.
What’s with her outfit in the pic? I thought it was bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her spacesuit before enslavement…
Now, do Scientologists eat their young after the ceremony?
When did Katie Holmes dump Tom Cruise for Bruno Kirby? I thought he was dead. Good on ya’, Bruno!
Didn’t you all know that the reason Tom is always touching her, is the same as any kidnapper? If you lose sight or touch of your victim, they may run away. Also, he’s fat because his surprise for Katy on the honeymoon is to dress up like John Wayne Gacey (with clown makeup) and “get crazy.” Poor girl. She was so young. :-(
By the way, Edgar, it’s spelled “Xenu”–if anyone gives a shit. Probably not.
Nice call on the Bruno Kirby, reggid. I have a feeling that as the ceremony begins, the dark clouds will form, a demonic choir will be heard and then Satan - oops, I mean “Xenu” - will come and kill Tom Cruise and take Katie Holmes as his virgin bride (boy is HE gonna be disappointed).