morning headlines

METALLICA – has offered $50,000 as a reward to help find a girl who went missing after one of their concerts in Virginia.  Have they checked the hospitals?  Maybe she checked into one to see if they could help with her shitty taste in music.  (ap)

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT – has created a new comic book, described as a “horror anthology in the vein of Twilight Zone and Outer Limits”. When asked for a comment, Twilight Zone and Outer Limits said, “hey don’t you dare write that shit in a description. Don’t associate her with us, are you out of your god damn mind? You take that off right now.” (ifanboy)

KATE GOSSELIN – thinks she can be an actress. “I’ve done enough years on TV that I feel like it’s a normal, comfortable, natural place to be. I’d love to be in a movie at some point … I think that would be fun.” This would mean more time away from the kids of course, but most of them are 4, and it’s time for them to grow up. They should be ashamed of themselves for standing in the way of Kates dreams. (people)

BAR REFAELI – headlines the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Portfolio. It’s a book with pictures of girls in bikinis. This was considered hardcore pornography back when the editors of SI were still in their 50s, but now you gotta be god damn kiddin me. Who is gonna buy this? Fancy perverts? Fine, I’ll put on a top hat and extend my pinky as I jack off on it. (more on this behind the cut)

In order of appearance, the models are Bar Refaeli, Brooklyn Decker, Kim Cloutier, Tori Praver, Julie Henderson, Lucia Dvorska, Hilary Rhoda and Daniella Sarahyba. Then after that is Liza Botha from the South African Sports Illustrated. Did you know SI does a separate swimsuit issue for every country the publish in? Na I just made that up. That would have been awesome though right?