Dumped Charlie Sheen Fiancee Tries to Off Herself! I Don’t Know, Maybe

According to reports, the porn star Charlie Sheen dumped before a scheduled marriage this month was rushed to the hospital over the weekend to have her stomach pumped following an overdose. It’s unclear what Brett Rossi overdosed on. Leading speculation is either kale salad or prescription pharmaceuticals. If you’ve ever eaten too much fucking kale, you know which is worse.

It can’t be easy when the love of your life and occasional knife or fist wielding domestic abuser dumps you at the altar. Every girl dreams of locking up her future with a egomaniac who likes to fry his brain and hurt his women. Love is fickle that way. Rossi’s people refuted the entire drug overdose scenario:

Her hospital stay was due to an adverse reaction to a newly prescribed medication. The rumors that she had her stomach pumped due to an overdose are completely false. Scottine has always been an advocate for living a healthy, sober lifestyle and has never had a history of substance abuse in her past.

Scottine is another name Rossi goes by. Porn stars tend to have multiple names much like flimflam men, Dominican ballplayers, and Nazi war criminals hiding out in Argentina. Obviously, the streets are filled with ambulances rushing women to the hospital because they didn’t take well to their new yeast abatement medication. Sometimes, you do have every single one of those adverse reaction disclaimers mentioned in the commercials. Especially when you chase your 10 mg of Yeasterin with a kilo of Oxy.

Add this verse to the sad ballad of the porn star. Life expectancy about 30. The modern day coal miners we send down the tunnels knowing they may never return. Somebody’s got to keep the lights on.