Christine Ouzounian, the nanny who is letting everybody think she’s been fucking Ben Affleck during his split with his wife, let the world into her inner sanctum with an Instagram photo of herself being photographed by the paparazzi and a song quote, because this is middle school:
She’s just a girl and she’s on fire’ — Alicia Keys
I’m not sure you’re technically allowed to declare yourself on fire. It’s like giving yourself a nickname. It violates the social contract and many slices of humble pie. She’s the Donald Trump of fucking your famous boss. In a post-Kardashian world, you don’t even need to explain why.
This all could have been avoided with one pretty simple rule — don’t hire a fuckable nanny. Ever. Retain an old chubby Guatemalan lady. Schwarzenegger fucked his. But he’s the exception, not the rule. Run your candidates through a Kobayashi Maru. You want to fuck my husband to get famous, but you’ll destroy a good woman and three young kids in the process. See which way she helms the Enterprise. If it’s toward the José Eber for a makeover before tipping off the paparazzi, wish her luck at her new job at Menchies. This shouldn’t be that hard. Don’t bring younger hotter vagina into your own home. Not everybody’s fortunate enough to come up with Puerto Rican girlfriends for guidance.