Ben Affleck Unshaven, Staggering, Hanging With Blond, Standard Stuff

December 18, 2017 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

You know those scenes in the comics where Batman has hit rock bottom and they depict him unkempt and messed up and tripping over shit? 

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Ben Affleck And His Vagina Talk

November 17, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

In addition to packing on fifty pounds over the past decade, Ben Affleck also seems to have packed on a vagina, and he and his puss continued their “The things we would have done if we had known about Weinstein. Grrr” tour with an appearance Thursday on The Late Show and another one Friday morning on Today. His poor vagina is literally working around the clock. Something he has in common with Bella Hadid. Last night Affleck was confronted by Stephen Colbert about the time he groped A-list superstar with nothing to gain Hilarie Burton, and Affleck queefed a carefully-crafted canned response that recuses himself of the situation just enough to point out that, across the board, men are terrible.

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Ben Affleck Titty Twister of Hilarie Burton Bubbles to the Surface

October 12, 2017 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Every man exists somewhere on the scale of skeevy male behavior. From one to ten. Maybe you see yourself on the bottom end. You’re not a zero. No man is or we wouldn’t have seven billion people on this planet.

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Jennifer Garner Confronted The Other Woman

July 13, 2017 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

People magazine can confirm based on multiple anonymous sources that Ben Affleck was fucking SNL producer Lindsay Shookus at least two years before his formal separation from Jennifer Garner. Shookus was also still married at the time to another SNL producer, Kevin Miller. Don’t know him, but guys named Kevin get cheated on a ton. 

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Divorce Seems Easier When Super Rich

May 4, 2017 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Jennifer Garner finally pulled the trigger on divorce papers with Ben Affleck. She’s been dangling the documents for a couple years now, during the course of their separation.

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Ben Affleck Drunk Dad Of The Year

April 3, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Drunk dads are the best. Especially when your dad’s Batman. The paps recently caught Ben Affleck hanging out with Jennifer Garner and their two and a half kids. He pulled out the good wig. 

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Ben Affleck Back to Rehab

March 15, 2017 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Ben Affleck finished a run in rehab while you weren’t even paying attention. Pretty epic sleight of hand. Also, nobody notices where he goes. Occasionally, check the press wire to see how Batman’s going. His press people show up to work while he’s drying out.

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Affleck Not Directing Batman

January 31, 2017 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Ben Affleck has removed himself from the director role on the next installment of the Batman movie series which will never stop being re-booted. Protest that at airports. The timing of the release is based upon a decent  number of people forgetting how shitty the last Batman movie was.

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Ben Affleck Can’t Win

December 14, 2016 | celebrity | matt-ralston| 0 Comments

Ben Affleck revealed he took the part in the universally panned Batman vs Superman to redeem himself for his performance in the slightly less universally panned Daredevil. Are you even reading these scripts dude?

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Ben Affleck Handle With Care

October 10, 2016 | celebrity | matt-ralston| 0 Comments

Last year Ben Affleck appeared on an insufferable PBS show called “Finding Your Roots” and it turned out that his roots were people who owned and beat and raped slaves. Affleck is against slavery because he’s really progressive so he requested that PBS edit this out of the show, which they obliged because they’re crusty phonies who want to be invited to one of his parties.

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