Sharon Osbourne took to her talk show to tearfully announce that her husband Ozzy Osbourne was entering sex addiction therapy, or would be, after a summer rock tour with Black Sabbath. So, the worst place for a sex addict.
The table of supportive women and one extremely out of place guy on The Talk panel pulled the gut-wrenching news from Osbourne right after the cold open and a go signal from the producer to begin crying. There was not an authentic moment in the confessional, save for the fact that Ozzy fucked the hairdresser and this was Sharon’s revenge. Sex addiction being the perfect explanation for why a man would ever possibly wander on his painfully shrewish wife. As all on the panel agreed, this clearly means it’s not Sharon’s fault. It’s nobody’s fault really. Wait, what about the frumpy middle aged hair dresser who took Ozzy’s rich and wrinkled bone?
As the lesbian from Roseanne explained, sex addiction is an addiction like any other. Though not really at all since all men think about sex constantly in the natural course of living and breathing. It’s somewhat less natural to think about Colt ’45’s or video poker with similar fervor. Here’s a simple sex addiction checklist. Are you routinely sleeping with prostitutes? Did you give yourself The AIDS? Did you ruin your professional career due to the need to constantly be whacking or fucking? If not, you’re just a super horny dude whose wife got old while your Cialis says you’re still kicking.
Meanwhile, the hairdresser is suing Kelly Osbourne for labeling her a horrible opportunistic cunt who schemed her dear daddy into the sack. Kelly Osbourne also posted the hairdressers cell phone number and something about her giving blow jobs. That’s going to cost you something. The entire family is horrible save for Ozzy who’s just a confused old man wandering Beverly Hills at night with his pants down looking for a hump. No wonder people were so blown away by the Trump kids. The bar is pretty low on famous families.