Divorced women in their forties live in a perpetual last call, which is why they can come up with some pretty darn colorful ways to validate their last-ditch attempts at love before the bar closes. Or in this metaphor, they die. Even celebrity divorcees aren’t immune, as evident in Gwen Stefani’s attraction to bloated warbling piece of hot white trash Blake Shelton. And since white trash is one of the few things I can still write, I am going to continue to use it until it’s pried out of my cold dead hands, but if you’re white trash and are offended, please let yourself be heard in the comments. Anyway the forty-eight-year-old Stefani recently opened up about some hot behind-the-scenes details about her motley crew of a family’s eating habits:
Everything [Shelton eats is] fried. It shocks me, because growing up in California, we are a specific breed, we learn how to be healthy, and in Oklahoma, they learn just how to have fun and eat like not worry about it. It’s fun, though.
It’s fun! I love finding the stash of onion rings he keeps in his taint! Nom nom nom. Love my fat fuck boyfriend. And by the way, “specific breed?” Is there one person from California who isn’t a total bitch? Stefani and Gavin Rossdale divorced in 2016, which is one year after she reportedly started dating Shelton. Rossdale was reportedly duffing the nanny for over three years, providing enough humiliation to send even a celebrity like Stefani running towards the closest thing with a pulse. In this case, The Voice co-host Shelton. The fact that he can barely see through the fat folds collapsing around his eyes will only help her as she ages. Stefani sheds more light on her home life with the Sexist Fried Food Gobbler Alive with:
We’re like we’re in a musical constantly and we just sing. We actually don’t talk to each other, we just sing like a musical or everything we sing is like ‘I love you,’ like it’s pretty much the whole time like how great we are.
Self-fellating anorexic California snob and a deep fried Midwestern barn animal overcompensating by singing to each other around the house. Middle age dating is great.
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