I’m the type of person that rather have a handful of titties than responsibilities. Just having to acknowledge Noah Cyrus’ existence feels like a chore. Matthew McConaughey 7:14 in the New Celebrity Testament states “for the gate to fame is narrow and the road is hard that leads to the easy life, and there are few who find it.” Noah is one of those individuals that believe they’re on the right road, but they’re not. It’s the only way someone famous for being someone’s sister and dating a low-tier rapper could attach a $12,000 price tag to a vial of their own tears. Her last name is Cyrus, not Kardashian. I doubt Kim could even fetch that much for her used underwear. What’s anyone supposed to do with a jar of tears?
Noah Cyrus is turning her tears over Lil Xan into liquid gold.
In preparation for the release of her new album “Good Cry,” the pop star has teamed up with clothing company Pizzaslime on a limited capsule collection of merchandise.
Some of the pieces in the line include T-shirts featuring her father Billy Ray Cyrus’ face tattooed with the words “achy, breaky,” a mug that reads “Noah Cyrus Tears,” and sweatshirts that say “sry i’m trash,” “Noah Cyrus sucks” and “sadness.”
Most notable, however, is the small vial of liquid labeled “Noah Cyrus Tears” being sold for $12,000. According to the product’s description, “This is approximately 12 tears made by Noah Cyrus as a result of sadness.”
Noah’s entire attempt at achieving celebrity status reminds me of a questionable time I had on the toilet not too long ago. When first coming out there was a splash, Noah being a Cyrus and all, but only time and further examination would be able to tell if things were going to sink or swim, both turd and Noah’s career. And when finally getting off the pot, you’re able able to see how hideous it all is with no hope of float, and now all you want to do is flush. Because that’s the standard reaction to any piece of poo peddling useless bodily fluids for $12,000. Someone needs to flush Noah.
Photo Credit: Instagram / Pizzaslime