Lance Armstrong Had to Cheat

By Lex June 28, 2013 @ 3:39 PM

Lance Armstrong is working his way through the six stages of grief. Or the five steps of loss. Or some such shit when you lose all of your career titles and accomplishments because you got caught cheating and being a dick. His latest step involves justifying his doping as necessary to win the Tour de France since everybody else was doing it. Oh, so if everybody else was cutting out a nut you’d do that too, Lance? What Lance really should be saying is that cycling is an intensely boring, insipid, and utterly French spectator sport, that without a chemically-injected beast to give it character, would basically just be women’s basketball. People would still hate him, but at least he’d be telling the truth.

What If Jose Canseco Was Your Dad? (VIDEO)

By Lex June 28, 2013 @ 3:03 PM

I’m always saying it’s tough to be a celebrity kid, unless you’re hot. I guess Josie Canseco falls into this category. Though an aspiring model, she’s still like just sixteen or something. Imagine having your friends over to hang by the pool and there’s rapey steroid dad in his Speedo. Just watch. Feel bad for Josie.

Here’s some of Josie’s bikini pictures. With fucked up divorced celebrity parents and a remarried aging model mom on TV, she’s destined to really destroy men.

Queen Elizabeth Gets A Raise

By Jack June 28, 2013 @ 2:29 PM

Queen Elizabeth, the richest old working broad on Earth, is getting a pay raise. Her “salary” was £36.1 million a year but is now going to be £37.9 million, (that’s like $57 million in real money). The Queen basically gets a shitload of tax money every year for queening, which as far as I can tell involves her not dying. The government figured that since she had managed to not croak for 50 years and did that one video with Daniel Craig for the 2012 Olympics she deserved more money from people who actually work for a living. She says she’ll use most of the money for much needed repairs to her many castles. Basically it’s a home improvement loan that she never has to pay back because she is the queen.

It’s times like this that make me glad I’m an American. Liz’s only qualification for that money is being the product of centuries of cousins fucking. If that is all it takes then everyone in Mississippi is a fucking emperor. In this country, you can’t just say here’s my last name, now pay me my money, bitches. You have to have some talent and do a little work. Or at least film yourself having sex and be on a reality TV show. If I was British, I’d tell Liz to pay to fix her own fucking palaces. Only I’d say it really politely and far more subtly, like the Brits do. She is the queen after all.

Montana Fishburne In A Bikini

By Lex June 28, 2013 @ 2:14 PM

Montana Fishburne In A Bikini Surfing At Venice Beach
Montana Fishburne struck some sexy poses on the beach. Her big tits were barely contained in her bikini as she tried to make potential suitors forget that they’re destined to look down at her during sex and feel like they’re banging Morpheus.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Laurie Holden Not Wearing A Bra

By Lex June 28, 2013 @ 1:41 PM

Laurie Holden Not Wearing A Bra At The Saturn Awards In Burbank
In a more perfect world, when women show up to award shows with big boobs and no bras, they will actually be given awards for showing up with big boobs and no bras. I’m not sure what the Saturn Awards are, but they can’t be anything close as important as that. C’mon, look at those boobs. Now give them a damn trophy.

Here’s Laurie Holden from Walking Dead. She’s in her 40′s which even Siri on my iPhone knows means those boobs aren’t close to real. Still, impressive.

Photo Credit: PCN, WENN

The Howe Twins Get Topless On Radio

By Lex June 28, 2013 @ 1:08 PM

The Howe Twins Get Topless On Playboy Radio In Burbank
The Howe Twins from England continue their unbridled attempt to fuck themselves famous in Hollywood. Their latest maneuver involved taking their tops off for Playboy Radio. I’m not sure these grading-curve busters understand the medium all that well. Or maybe somebody just pulled out a five dollar bill and they reacted instinctively. Either way I’d suggest the sisters regroup in the common room of their youth hostel and scratch their heads harder for the next big idea.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin

James Woods Shows Off His New 20 Year Old Girlfriend

By Lex June 28, 2013 @ 12:56 PM

James Woods And His 20 Year Old Girlfriend Kristen Bauguess Attending The Premiere For White House Down In NYC
James Woods dumped his last girlfriend when she turned 27, to replace her with this 20 year old recently drug busted gal from Georgia, Kristen Baugness. Many people will say it’s gross that James Woods is banging girls young enough to be his granddaughter, I’m saving that slur for when he actually starts banging his granddaughter. This is James Woods. He’s not listening to you.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

Happy Endings Now Legal In China

By Jack June 28, 2013 @ 12:01 PM

The Chinese government has decided that happy endings at massage parlors aren’t prostitution and are therefor legal. I was surprised it was against the law as the happy ending is one of China’s most beloved cultural exports. The court said that jerking someone off is not sex, it’s just another muscle that needs a healthy rubdown. They also said “breast massages” were OK. That’s not a woman having her boobs fondled but rather a chick using her boobs to give the man “release”. This is pretty progressive for the fucked-up draconian Chinese communist system that pretty much outlawed fun in 1945. Obviously, like a lot of things, this is just another concession to the almighty altar of capitalism.

The Chinese government wants to keep being commies but drive brand new BMWs, so they’ve made a few compromises. China decided about 20 years ago that they were going to open up more to foreign trade and tourism. The Great Wall and the country’s rich  history may be enough for some travelers, but sex tourism is a major draw. They have only to look at all the sticky Western dollars their neighbors like Thailand and Vietnam are raking in. Still, I’m not sure guys like Gary Glitter are paying $5000 for trips to Asia to get a handjob from grown women. If the Chinese government wants to really make tourism boom they should consider allowing the Lucky Chicken Surprise #37 back on the menu at their local massage parlor establishments.