morning headlines

By brendon February 01, 2011 @ 12:20 PM

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CHRIS EVANS – is on the cover of the new issue of Empire, and only a country as bad ass as America could have a superhero like this. What would the French one be, some pedophile in a smock holding a baguette? You can suck it, France! (empire)

RICKY GERVAIS – has been asked to host the Golden Globes again next year, because the ratings were up again, but doesn’t think he should because he doesn’t think the show could have been any better. Here’s a suggestion: trap doors for the losers. (hollywood reporter)

TYLER PERRY – is famous for playing a sassy old lady, but now he’ll play the lead in I, Alex Cross, the character originally played by Morgan Freeman in the movies Kiss the Girls and Along Came a Spider. I have to assume the producer agreed to this while duct taped to a chair and with Perrys agent forcing the pen in to his hand. That dude is a good agent! (variety)

JOAQUIN PHOENIX – may unretire to play the mentor in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, with Benjamin Walker playing Lincoln. Rule 1 with vampire hunting: just go out there and have fun. (deadline)

Halle Berry is in a custody battle

By brendon February 01, 2011 @ 10:37 AM

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Halle Berrys break up with Gabriel Aubrey seemed amicable enough, they were both real nice and seemed to have something worked out to share custody of their daughter, but now take whatever the exact opposite of those words are and add lots of profanity. E! says…

“She has attempted to resolve these custody issues amicably with her daughter’s father, Gabriel Aubry, directly, but given his lack of cooperation, Halle has no choice but to seek swift judicial intervention.”
“Halle has serious concerns for her daughter’s well-being while in the care of her father for any extended period of time and is prepared to take all necessary steps to protect her,” Berry’s rep says. The actress “has always made the needs and safety of her daughter her first priority and, both while Halle and Gabriel were a couple and since their breakup, Halle has only acted in her daughter’s best interest.”

Aww. I feel bad for their daughter. She’s the real victim in all this. Other than being so supernaturally beautiful that she’s probably gonna turn into a beam of pure radiant energy at puberty, her life is falling apart.

(image source = pacific coast)

afternoon headlines

By brendon January 31, 2011 @ 7:01 PM

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CHARLIE SHEEN – will be doing rehab, ahem, from his house. Because he doesn’t want any embarrassing details coming out about his private life. Remember this as you read the very next sentence. (tmz)

KACEY JORDAN – has yet another new interview talking about sex with Charlie Sheen, aaanndd it would almost be over by now according to her. “It was OK. It didn’t last very long (probably) because he was so fucked up. When you’re that high…his performance wasn’t very long. It was a 3-minute ordeal. After sex we just sat in bed and he held on to me. He was sloppy but functioning, [he] wouldn’t stop kissing my feet. He promised me he’d get me a Bentley.” Jesus, that honestly couldn’t have been any worse unless she said he was crying and lactating. (e!)

CHERYL BURKE – of Dancing with the Stars is in the Dominican Republic, and PCN says, “The 26-year-old dance star flaunted her fabulous figure.” As you can tell they were obviously being sarcastic. (pacific coast)

look alive, Hugh Jackmans daughter!

By brendon January 31, 2011 @ 6:41 PM

Hugh Jackman And Daughter Ava Playing In The Snow

Everyone in Hollywood really likes Hugh Jackman, and seeing him playing in the snow with his daughter in New York over the weekend sort of gives you a hint as to why. He just seems like a nice guy. If this would have been a picture of Lindsay Lohan walking away, replace the snow ball with a whiskey bottle, and Hugh Jackman with her dealer.

Kim Kardashian was surprised about being naked

By brendon January 31, 2011 @ 5:40 PM

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When Kim Kardashian appeared naked except for silver paint in W magazine (pictures here), it looked very much like a girl who was naked except for silver paint.

This was news to Kim apparently, who broke down and cried about it on last nights episode of Kourtney and Kim Take New York. Us magazine says…

“Oh my God, I’m more naked that I was in Playboy. I’m so mad right now. [W magazine] promised I would be covered with artwork — you can see the nipples!”
Indeed, although Kardashian’s most private parts were covered up on the fashion bible’s cover image, interior shots revealed her breasts in all their glory.
“The whole concept was sold to me that nothing would be seen,” she continued. “I feel so taken advantage of.”

Kim seems like a nice enough lady and I usually defend her, but she does know what paint is, right? And what it does? It just takes something and makes it a different color. In this case her nipples. It doesn’t make things disappear. That’s why we call people who paint things “painters” and not “magical wizards”.

Charlie Sheen could cost Warner Brothers $250,000,000

By brendon January 31, 2011 @ 3:13 PM

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Charlie Sheen will reportedly be in rehab for the next three months (note: never gonna happen) which would mean the 8 remaining episodes of this seasons Two and a Half Men won’t get made, which could cost Warner Brothers up to 250 million dollars in revenue.

And this is why you don’t hire people who see a brick of cocaine as a dare.

Oh and then there’s this…

Three hundred crew members are reportedly concerned about losing their pay checks as they were allegedly only “partially compensated” when production went on hiatus last February for Sheen’s previous rehab stint.

Ok, forget all that and let’s focus on HOLY SHIT that crappy show makes 250 million dollars? Why? How? Why? It’s unbearable. Jesus if that thing came on and I couldn’t find the remote i would just start throwing my shoe and end tables at the TV to break it if need be.

Sofia Vergara at the SAG Awards

By brendon January 31, 2011 @ 12:17 PM

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The Screen Actors Guild Awards were last night of course, and from the film side it was telling that the Kings Speech, Colin Firth, Christian Bale and Natalie Portman all won (full winners list here), because most assume they’re a lock for Academy Awards as well.

From the TV side, the big winner was everyone out of Sofia Vergaras line of sight so they didn’t have to pretend as if they weren’t staring at her huge jugs.

Though, as a counterpoint, this really hot and really skinny girl I know said, “whatever. Who needs curves when you’ve got a tight pussy.” It was such intense sexual torture she might as well have just started wacking me in the nuts with a driver.

morning headlines

By brendon January 31, 2011 @ 10:48 AM

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THE SAG AWARDS – were last night, and they sucked, unless you follow supermodel Chrissy Teigen on twitter. “i saw jeremy renner after the globes and was very disappointed he didn’t have the neck tattoo from the town. fake ass.” “these social network doofs are aligned like the bars on my att phone. if i ever fucking had full service. so it’s just one jesse eisenberg.” She’s great. Unfortunately her boyfriend is John Legend, and he’s better than me by any reasonable standard. The only thing I have on him is the element of surprise, if you catch my drift. (twitter)

JAVIER BARDEM – has been offered the role as the villain in the next James Bond movie. After that he should play Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a movie about Raul Julia. (deadline)

HENRY CAVILL – has been chosen by producer Christopher Nolan and director Zach Snyder to play the next Superman, which means we now have British actors playing Batman, Spiderman and Superman. Luckily their characters won’t be British, because they’d just be a bunch of drunks using their powers on free kicks. (hollywood reporter)