By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 2:05 PM
At this point I’m pretty much just posting pictures of model Petra Benova because she wrote me a letter saying I was a jerk and how much she hated me. It did get a bit misty as it reminded me of the last birthday card my mom sent me where she bastardized the Hallmark greeting to read, ‘Now You’re Six …and your ruined my fucking life‘. I seem to get a lot of notes like that. But only rarely do they come from girls who look like Petra Benova. If she wasn’t good looking, I’d have to rely on my standard response to angry letters. Getting drunk and crying.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin
By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 1:44 PM
You could play a great scary joke on passersby if you could get that mannequin to thrust out an arm. Imagine the horror of a grade schooler as pop star Skeletor grabs them by the neck and a voice box recites ‘I need the blood of children to keep me young’. Fucking eh. I never found haunted houses scary as a kid, but waxen freaky Madonna would’ve made me shit my shorts.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Getty
By Jack May 20, 2013 @ 1:23 PM
Robert Pattinson has reportedly once again broken up with Kristen Stewart. Sources are saying the unnecessarily intense young actor couple had been fighting a lot, presumably about which one of them is more catastrophically boring and can gin up more fake contempt for commercial society. You’ll recall that last year they broke the hearts of tweens, obese women, and boys who wear eyeliner everywhere when they split because Stewart was getting the old Hi-Ho down low from her Snow White and the Huntsman director. Chances are they’ll get back together again because they are both too annoying in real life to find anyone else who will hang out past the conclusion of sex.
By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 12:58 PM
“acrid fantasy portraits of menopausal women — images suspended, in his words, ‘between the object of desire and the object of loathing.’”
– Peter Schjeldahl review of John Currin’s work in The New Yorker
Yeah, I don’t get what any of that means. I just see Maude’s tits. Actually, they’re not even her tits as artist John Currin just took a clothed picture from a few decades ago and added tits. He’s basically a 4chan fake celeb Photoshopper. Only his painting just auctioned for nearly $2 million at Christie’s. I once saw a man with tits at a sideshow in Ensenada. It cost me three American dollars and that included a complimentary churro. I’m not sure if it’s the ‘acrid fantasy portrait of a menopausal woman’ or just the fact that seeing mannish Bea Arthur with tits is so completely disconcerting, but people lost their senses over this one.
By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 12:33 PM
Sometimes it’s easy to think of Padma Lakshmi only for her professional accomplishments. Successful TV show host, top-selling cookbook author, arranging to be knocked up by billionaire Michael Dell’s brother. None of that happens by accident. It’s easy to overlook the fact that underneath all the career succes, Padma has big knockers. Take a minute to stare at her chest. Make her whole again.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 12:12 PM
Aaron Carter was found mostly alive in the Conga Room of the Magic City Casino in Miami over the weekend busting out some serious rhymes and wrapping himself in the American flag. For some reason I thought he was dead then I realized I was probably thinking of his brother Nick but I checked and he’s still alive too. Fuck me. This is probably good news for the Carter family not to mention the world of suburban caucasian teen inspired hip hop.
Here’s Aaron in a recent gig at Mojoe’s bar in Joliet, IL. If you were ever jealous as fuck of Aaron at 13 playing amphitheaters full of screaming girls, this ought to help.
By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 11:42 AM
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, WENN
By Travis May 20, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
For all of her lack of talent and general ridiculousness, Courtney Stodden seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders. For instance, unlike former Teen Mom star and eventual porn one-hit wonder Farrah Abraham, Courtney isn’t pretending to be coy about her alleged sex tape. The 18-year old blow-up doll come to life claims that she made a sex tape with her 52-year old husband right after she became legal, and she wanted to let hackers and thieves know that they’re not going to find that tape on her computer or in her home, meaning that she expects to be paid.
But whereas Farrah is out shopping for mansions that she can’t possibly afford, Courtney is still keeping it real and getting lunch at the Cheesecake Factory like normal people. I don’t know what she ordered, but I’m guessing it was a hot dog or a banana, and she walked around moaning and cooing. Amazingly, that would still be the most normal thing she’s done this week.
(Photo Credits: Winston Burris/WENN.com)