Kabbalah Founder Dies, Ashton Kutcher Seems Not Lost

By Lex September 17, 2013 @ 2:40 PM

Ashton Kutcher Attends Kabbalah Services In Los Angeles
Philip Berg, the founder of the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles passed away yesterday, drowned in a pile of money, as the prophecies foretold. For those not familiar, Kabbalah is the Jewish-rooted mystical religion famous actors and musicians join when they don’t want the hassle or commitment of Scientology. They still get to donate large amounts of cash to a questionable non-profit, but they don’t have to go on as many retreats or change their phone numbers of believe that a giant airplane landed on Earth millions of years ago containing intergalactic space prisoners. So, there’s that. Though the parking sucks.

Ashton Kutcher is one of the more devoted attendees of Kabbalah. He credits the ancient religion with guiding him through the process of fucking lots and lots of hot women in Hollywood.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com

Kylie Jenner Is Demure

By Lex September 17, 2013 @ 2:21 PM

Kylie Jenner Tries To Avoid Cameras As She Shops With A Friend At Target In Los Angeles
Can Kylie Jenner get some freaking privacy already? If she wanted you to look at her, she’d be walking around in a bikini on a reality show or spending her days on Twitter and Vine and Keek and Instagram and Facebook posting pictures and videos of herself. She just wants a decent fucking chair from Target. It’s bad enough the paparazzi robbed Kylie of her chance at a high school education. Now they want to kill her discount retail? Nay, Kylie, back into the cone of privacy. Quick quick.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Scott Disick Wipes His Ass With Ben Franklin’s Face

By Jack September 17, 2013 @ 1:47 PM

Scott Disick decided to tell all of us common people to go fuck ourselves by posting pictures of $100 toilet paper on Instagram. That’s not toilet paper that costs $100, it’s a roll of hundreds he’s going to use as toilet paper. He also held a stack of hundreds to his ear and wrote: “Hello peasants”. There were also pics of his expensive watches and bags of cash. Maybe it’s a joke or maybe it’s just the boredom of not having a job since ‘snowboard instructor’ many years ago, still, fuuuuuccccck this guy. I hope he does wipe his ass with that money. Currency has repeatedly been shown to be one of the most germ encrusted things you will ever touch. A massive ass infection ought to help him feel closer to the Kardashian women.

(Photos Via @scotdisick Instagram)

Nabilla Benattia Knows How to Hold a Press Conference

By Lex September 17, 2013 @ 1:25 PM

Nabilla Benattia's Boob Falls Out At A NRJ Press Conference In Paris
I don’t know what this French reality show chick was babbling about in French to a French media outlet, she could be conspiring to form the next Vichy government for all I care, the woman knows how to dress. Just look at those shoes!

Photo Credit: Splash

X-Factor Backlash Over Singer With Real Talent

By Lex September 17, 2013 @ 12:50 PM

People are outraged over the fact that a woman with professional singing talent made it onto the X-Factor. These would be people who choose to disregard how producers cloyingly rig and manufacture every single second of the show. Including selling Lillie McCloud as a devoted grandma finally getting the chance to share her powerful voice in public. It’s a great story, I mean, if you’re a lonely shut-in or a woman or a lonely woman shut-in. Lillie and X-Factor producers would’ve got away with their ruse had it not been for Lillie’s stupid ass daughter who accidentally Tweeted out Lillie’s real name.

Oh, bitch, you did not just call your mom Nicole. Because Nicole McCloud was a professional singer in the 1980′s with four albums and a bunch of major rock concert supporting vocals. There goes your producing package sob story about unknown granny unchained. The moron army sworn to maintain the sanctity of the X-Factor competition went apeshit when they looked up Nicole McCloud on their parents computers. The furor was so intense that Demi Lovato cut the word ‘duplicitous’ into her right forearm and Kelly Rowland confessed that Matthew Knowles once touched her in her hooha. This is what comes of deceit.

Behold, the Face of Evil

By Lex September 17, 2013 @ 12:24 PM

Kris Jenner felt compelled to pose in a bikini after seeing her seventeen year old daughter receive so much attention for her own bikini shots the other day on Twitter. The Harpie couldn’t spend seven insanely jealous hours producing a single photo fast enough. You could say Kris Jenner looks good for her age, but then you’d be one step closer to dipping your wick into a soul robbing she-demon. By the time you hear her vagina cackle, you’re already dead inside.

Emily Ratajkowski Cast In ‘Gone Girl’

By Lex September 17, 2013 @ 12:18 PM

Emily Ratajkowski Photographed By Olivia Malone

Genevieve Morton In A Lingerie Photoshoot

By Lex September 17, 2013 @ 11:37 AM

Genevieve Morton Poses For A Lingerie Shoot With Tracy Kahn

Photo Credit: Tracy Kahn