By Lex December 15, 2014 @ 10:19 AM
You’d think you’d get to some age when you tell the world, fuck you, I’m shit tired of selling out. Barbara Walters had seven billion people to choose from for her insipid Most Fascinating Person of the Year honorific. She went with George Clooney’s new wife, Amal Alamuddin. Between smuggling mortar rounds for Hamas in her YSL luggage and flashing her ring to the Obama kids and telling them maybe somebody they’ll blow their own movie star, Amal is a relatively interesting person. She probably fucks like a champ too. That’s a Clooney checklist bold and all caps line item. That makes her somewhat interesting. But most Fascinating Person in the World or just a big celebrity ratings get?
Babs shilled on her list with the likes of Taylor Swift, but Taylor Swift sold eighty-three billion albums last year, beating Iron Maiden’s Best Of fourth re-release by eighty-three billion units in sales. This makes Swift in the very least worth studying. Alamuddin married a hot dude with cash and talked shit about America and capitalism. That’s not fascinating, that’s every rich wife Obama donor in Brentwood. I had hope for Barbara when she approached eighty and announced she had fucked the extra-marital shit out of the first Black Senator back in the 70′s. Now that’s a story. Ebola workers, an uninspired pick by Time, but at least they do shit like cure Ebola. George Clooney’s wife is only going to bush it on your grave when you die, Babs. You could’ve reached higher.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex September 26, 2014 @ 11:42 AM
George Clooney is renting out everything in Venice above the waterline this weekend to marry human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin whom I suspect he will divorce quietly before I have a chance to spell her name correctly without Google. Amal has everything George could want in a woman. She’s young, attractive, has a working vagina, and despises the opulent West while still attending its swank parties and wearing designer clothes. A leftist intellectual doesn’t seem like your classic Clooney low maintenance girlfriend, but if George dons the Keffiyeh and talks about making babies that will grow up in a world without Zionist oppression, Amal will have her Grand Canal open for business more often than not. That’s a Venetian landmark reference. Fuck you, I just learned about Venice five minutes ago
My underaged assistant Whitney made this video of all the better known conquests of George Clooney who will be lamenting the end of his bachelorhood while insisting they are happy for he and his new ISIS bride. Women are only really happy for other women when they’re dead or tragically disfigured. That’s just scientific fact.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex July 11, 2014 @ 2:47 PM
George Clooney always knows just the right moment to tell everybody why they’re wrong and he’s right. Usually it’s just moments after he and Obama crossed streams peeing together in his vanity bathroom. Maybe some Senator was after Hollywood violence or some CEO made a statement that didn’t acknowledge a woman’s right to abort her kids up until they graduated high school. George would enter like a superhero with a perfect smile and a witty skewer of his small minded opponents. Afterwards, he’d hop into the sack with his vapid model girlfriends and wish they could understand just how smart and righteous he was. It was all kind of empty.
Then George found Amal Alamuddin. Lebanese human rights attorney investigating U.S. drone strikes in the Middle East. Former law clerk for Justice Sonia Sotomayer. Alamuddin defended Julian Assange of Wikileaks. She’s fucking perfect. A smart, hot, Arab commie defense attorney. All the forces of Conservatism, Zionism, and Pro-Western Imperialism are going to line up against her. This is every day is Christmas for George Clooney.
The Daily Mail published some freelancer gossip piece about how Amal’s mom was rabidly against the marriage because she wanted Amal to marry somebody in the Druze religion. Clooney immediately took to the bat copter he stole from his failed Batman movie and issued a manifesto calling out the Daily Mail for making up crap about Amal’s mom being Druze in the first place. Because you know everybody in the world gives a shit about that. The Daily Mail apologized and took down the article. Clooney did not accept the apology, though he thanked them for admitting he was right and they were his bitches. It’s high school and George Clooney is both the captain of the football team and the volatile hot cheerleader on the rag.
After dispatching his latest foe, Clooney was able to retire to the boudoir where his hot liberal activist non-Druze girlfriend showed him the slinky dress she was going to wear to the Hamas Awards Dinner in Gaza. All that for just a $700K engagement ring. Well played, George.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Travis April 30, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
Word on the street is that George Clooney’s new fiancée, Amal Alamuddin, finally broke the man who would never get married again by playing hard to get, which must have made all of his ex-girlfriends slap their foreheads in regret, thinking about how they all spread wide on the first date. Naturally, the woman who was good enough to make the world’s biggest bachelor finally give up on young models was going to be rewarded with a nice ring, but according to People, George might as well have dug up the center of the fucking Earth to strap to her finger. Amal’s engagement ring diamond is at least 7-carats and set in platinum, which makes it worth approximately every last one of our lives combined. Sure, the value of a ring like that could probably put an end to hunger in the countries that George and Amal fight to raise awareness for, but a guy has to be able to rub this kind of shit in Stacy Keibler’s face at least a little bit.
Photo Credits: People
By Travis April 28, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Having long been one of Hollywood’s leading authorities on how to point at any woman on the planet and instantly make her undress, it seems that George Clooney is finally doing the unthinkable and hanging up his bachelor pants. After the rumors that he kicked Stacy Keibler to the curb because she demanded marriage and a baby, Clooney has reportedly asked his British lawyer girlfriend, Amal Alamuddin, to marry him after they spent the last seven months traveling the world together for random exotic vacations. And while they haven’t announced anything yet, Amal has been seen wearing a big ring, and that’s all that us nosey assholes need for confirmation these days.
This news means that Leonardo DiCaprio is now the world’s foremost celebrity bachelor, and we will try to ask him for a comment as he wakes up and crawls out of whichever supermodel’s cervix he fell asleep inside last night.
Photo Credits: Getty