By Lex June 12, 2014 @ 12:56 PM
The two things keeping us from being one of those countries where Hollywood women buy babies is premium cable and birth control. You can thank HBO and the earnest folks at Planned Parenthood with their low carbon footprint Hoover-9000 for helping this country to be mostly warm and fat. In Mali, they might be willing to spread the UNICEF grain around to child seventeen, but here, everybody needs a car. Can you afford seventeen cars? Ashton Kutcher has had a lot of sex with a lot of women through the years. But no offspring. If you think that’s a coincidence, you’re simply missing out on the wonderful wide world of strip mall abortion. A woman’s right to choose is a woman’s right to choose, but, Mila Kunis, you’re about to ruin America.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Travis May 09, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
Mila Kunis knows the gender of the baby that she’s currently expecting with Ashton Kutcher, and she also has a name picked out, but she won’t reveal any of those details because it’s none of our business or something. After all, her whole relationship with Ashton had been a secret for so long, even though everyone knew about it, so she’s going to keep everything to herself because she’s so brave, according to the monkeys that smacked their hands together in Ellen DeGeneres’ audience. Among the few things she did reveal was that she’ll be having a natural birth, probably because she wants to experience the most pain possible in squeezing 8 pounds of trucker hat out of her, and Ashton is learning Russian so they can raise a bilingual baby, and he can finally learn all of the terrible shit her father has been saying about him.
By Travis April 28, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
It was Ashton Kutcher’s favorite time of year again, as the tech savvy terrible actor headed to Indio, California for the Stagecoach Country Music Festival, which covers up the stench left by Coachella’s drug-abusing hipsters with even cheaper beer and chewing tobacco. As we’ve seen in previous years, there’s nothing that Ashton loves more than dressing up like a TV stereotype of a Midwestern redneck and celebrating his love for a hillbilly jamboree, but this time he had his special little lady, Mila Kunis, with him so they could spend the whole weekend making out in front of everyone. Because there’s really nothing more country than a guy in overalls sucking face with a pregnant woman.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis March 24, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
If she was trying to hide the fact that she is pregnant, then Mila Kunis did a pretty terrible job. Ashton Kutcher’s future wife was reportedly spotted at a pre-natal yoga workout in Hollywood, and she obviously had the right reason for being there, unlike those of us who like to sit outside and watch through the window. According to E!, a source has confirmed that she is actually pregnant, which is sure to piss millions of guys off, even though they never had a shot in hell, because they’re not a male model turned actor, who might make some of the worst fucking movies ever made, but he’s still insanely wealthy and also thinks he’s a tech genius because he invested in some startups. One day, Ashton is going to write a book about his life, and it’s just going to be a few hundred pages of photos of him laughing at us all while wiping his ass with thousand dollar bills. He could title it “Smell My Finger.”
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis February 28, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Confirming what everyone has known for what feels like years, or at least since he dumped his grandmother’s bridge partner, Ashton Kutcher has reportedly finally put an engagement ring on Mila Kunis’ finger. The co-stars of That 70s Show have been very visibly dating for the last year or so, but they’ve been waiting and waiting to make it official, probably so Ashton can think of the proper way to tell every man on the planet to go fuck themselves. Sure, he already told everyone to go fuck themselves when he made the offensively terrible Jobs last year, but this time he just wants to focus solely on the men, so he really hammers home the point that he has made a career out an idiot’s grin and trucker hats.
Photo Credit: WENN.com
By Travis February 07, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Despite the fact that he’s collecting paycheck after paycheck on his own terrible show, Charlie Sheen is apparently still pissed off and bitter that Two and a Half Men moved on without him. Meanwhile, most of us are still pissed off and bitter that it ever existed in the first place. On Wednesday, Charlie Tweeted at Ashton Kutcher to “quit barfing on my old brilliant show,” which caused Ashton to respond to him on Jimmy Kimmel Live later that night with a simple “Dude, shut the fuck up.” Charlie, a 48-year old man, then apologized to him on Twitter, claiming he was pissed off at something else and just taking it out on him. But he added, “but news flash Dood, you ever tell me to shut the F*** up, EVER again, and I’ll put you on a hospital food diet for a year. c #YaFeelMe Jr?” Someone needs to kick this old guy’s ass two times just so he doesn’t have a reason to complain after the first one.
Photo Credit: Getty