Mila Kunis Is Pregnant With A Douchebaby

By Travis March 24, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

If she was trying to hide the fact that she is pregnant, then Mila Kunis did a pretty terrible job. Ashton Kutcher’s future wife was reportedly spotted at a pre-natal yoga workout in Hollywood, and she obviously had the right reason for being there, unlike those of us who like to sit outside and watch through the window. According to E!, a source has confirmed that she is actually pregnant, which is sure to piss millions of guys off, even though they never had a shot in hell, because they’re not a male model turned actor, who might make some of the worst fucking movies ever made, but he’s still insanely wealthy and also thinks he’s a tech genius because he invested in some startups. One day, Ashton is going to write a book about his life, and it’s just going to be a few hundred pages of photos of him laughing at us all while wiping his ass with thousand dollar bills. He could title it “Smell My Finger.”

Photo Credit: Getty

Ashton Kutcher And Mila Kunis Are Engaged

By Travis February 28, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Confirming what everyone has known for what feels like years, or at least since he dumped his grandmother’s bridge partner, Ashton Kutcher has reportedly finally put an engagement ring on Mila Kunis’ finger. The co-stars of That 70s Show have been very visibly dating for the last year or so, but they’ve been waiting and waiting to make it official, probably so Ashton can think of the proper way to tell every man on the planet to go fuck themselves. Sure, he already told everyone to go fuck themselves when he made the offensively terrible Jobs last year, but this time he just wants to focus solely on the men, so he really hammers home the point that he has made a career out an idiot’s grin and trucker hats.

Photo Credit: WENN.com

Charlie Sheen Threatened Ashton Kutcher

By Travis February 07, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Despite the fact that he’s collecting paycheck after paycheck on his own terrible show, Charlie Sheen is apparently still pissed off and bitter that Two and a Half Men moved on without him. Meanwhile, most of us are still pissed off and bitter that it ever existed in the first place. On Wednesday, Charlie Tweeted at Ashton Kutcher to “quit barfing on my old brilliant show,” which caused Ashton to respond to him on Jimmy Kimmel Live later that night with a simple “Dude, shut the fuck up.” Charlie, a 48-year old man, then apologized to him on Twitter, claiming he was pissed off at something else and just taking it out on him. But he added, “but news flash Dood, you ever tell me to shut the F*** up, EVER again, and I’ll put you on a hospital food diet for a year. c #YaFeelMe Jr?” Someone needs to kick this old guy’s ass two times just so he doesn’t have a reason to complain after the first one.

Photo Credit: Getty

Ashton Kutcher Puts on His Smart Boy Glasses

By Lex November 21, 2013 @ 1:59 PM

There’s no higher order of public debate than when a celebrity jumps on a social issue d’jour on the side of article headline populism. Ashton Kutcher may have dropped out of school to pursue male modeling, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know a thing or two about microeconomics and the business of mass retailing in relation to free labor market wages. They don’t just let any naif portray business genius Steve Jobs. Apparently, Ashton believes that trying to make the most possible money you can, like, say, $25 million for appearing on a sitcom, and trying to pay people you owe the least amount of money, like, say, spending two years in a heated battle to deny your ex-wife spousal support, is a right primarily reserved by the Constitution and the Creator for just Ashton himself. Not for Walmart and their hourly associates. Ashton bangs Mila Kunis and has a magical Kabbalah bracelet, while Walmart only creates products purchased willingly by 100 million, primarily cash-strapped people, per week. I do feel bad for the lethargic English language learning employees at Walmart only earning ten bucks an hour to provide puzzled expressions should you ever ask them where to find batteries or tampons or sweaters that might last three washes. If only they could get part-time gigs on sitcoms where the pay is $20,000/hour they too could afford organic produce and Teslas and smoking hot girlfriends. Walmart needs to stop being so evil. Stay on top of this, Brave Internet Warrior.

Ashton Kutcher And Mila Kunis Might Be Engaged

By Travis November 06, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Now that his divorce from Demi Moore is almost complete, and the 50-year old actress is done actually taking part of his large fortune thanks to no pre-nup, Ashton Kutcher is free to take his relationship with Mila Kunis to the next level. Despite reports that Ashton and Mila were already secretly engaged, the Daily Mail claims that Ashton is now set to propose and make an honest woman out of his former That 70s Show star. And if his proposal will be anything like his acting career, it will be shallow, obnoxious, emotionless and totally void of any passion, reality and honesty. So best of luck to Ashton and Mila on this practice effort for their next marriages.

Photo Credit: TNYF/WENN.com

Demi Moore Won’t Be Getting More Divorce Cash

By Jack October 31, 2013 @ 2:47 PM

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher’s unnatural marriage is finally over and Ashton will not have to support the old crone financially. The divorce has been in a nasty back and forth for a couple of years now. Demi wanted spousal support from Ashton because he cheated on her and she hasn’t made a movie anybody cared about since 1992. The judge said that since they were married in California, which is a no fault state, he doesn’t have to pay shit. Furthermore she isn’t entitled to any of that Two and a Half Men fortune. Poor Demi. She made $90 million off of her divorce from Bruce Willis. I guess all she got out of this marriage was the dude from Punk’d slopping away on top of her while imagining he was inside Mila Kunis. I guess that’s still more than most women get.