Ashton Kutcher Went Incognito to an Asian Massage Parlor But You Shouldn't Read Into it

The Daily Mail broke down twenty framesof Ashton Kutcher leaving an L.A. area strip mall Asian massage parlor like it was the Zapruder film in the Kennedy Assassination. They followed quickly with a declarative that many men go to massage parlors simply for a massage. Thanks, Daily Mail. We get it. Can you close in on that spooge stain a little tighter. Those quads were super tight today. Ashton Kutcher fans, which is...

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Ashton Kutcher And Mila Kunis Whatever

The inexplicably famous purveyors of awful shit Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis finally got married even though it was widely assumed they already are and people were waiting for them to get into a plane crash. Kunis dropped a nauseating quote which solidified the grey matter sized marble of hatred in my heart for the couple of bastards: "My first real kiss ever was with him on the show.We all get movie star crushes....

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Mila Kunis Keeping the Douchebaby

The two things keeping us from being one of those countries where Hollywood women buy babies is premium cable and birth control. You can thank HBO and the earnest folks at Planned Parenthood with their low carbon footprint Hoover-9000 for helping this country to be mostly warm and fat. In Mali, they might be willing to spread the UNICEF grain around to child seventeen, but here, everybody needs a car. Can you afford...

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Mila Kunis Won't Reveal Anything About The Douchebaby (VIDEO)

Mila Kunis knows the gender of the baby that she's currently expecting with Ashton Kutcher, and she also has a name picked out, but she won't reveal any of those details because it's none of our business or something. After all, her whole relationship with Ashton had been a secret for so long, even though everyone knew about it, so she's going to keep everything to herself because she's so brave, according to the...read more

Mila Kunis Hit Stagecoach With Her Good Old Boy

It was Ashton Kutcher's favorite time of year again, as the tech savvy terrible actor headed to Indio, California for the Stagecoach Country Music Festival, which covers up the stench left by Coachella's drug-abusing hipsters with even cheaper beer and chewing tobacco. As we've seen in previous years, there's nothing that Ashton loves more than dressing up like a TV stereotype of a Midwestern redneck and celebrating...

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Mila Kunis Is Pregnant With A Douchebaby

If she was trying to hide the fact that she is pregnant, then Mila Kunis did a pretty terrible job. Ashton Kutcher's future wife was reportedly spotted at a pre-natal yoga workout in Hollywood, and she obviously had the right reason for being there, unlike those of us who like to sit outside and watch through the window. According to E!, a source has confirmed that she is actually pregnant, which is sure to piss...

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Ashton Kutcher And Mila Kunis Are Engaged

Confirming what everyone has known for what feels like years, or at least since he dumped his grandmother's bridge partner, Ashton Kutcher has reportedly finally put an engagement ring on Mila Kunis' finger. The co-stars of That 70s Show have been very visibly dating for the last year or so, but they've been waiting and waiting to make it official, probably so Ashton can think of the proper way to tell every man on...

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Charlie Sheen Threatened Ashton Kutcher

Despite the fact that he's collecting paycheck after paycheck on his own terrible show, Charlie Sheen is apparently still pissed off and bitter that Two and a Half Men moved on without him. Meanwhile, most of us are still pissed off and bitter that it ever existed in the first place. On Wednesday, Charlie Tweeted at Ashton Kutcher to "quit barfing on my old brilliant show," which caused Ashton to respond to him on...

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Ashton Kutcher Puts on His Smart Boy Glasses

There's no higher order of public debate than when a celebrity jumps on a social issue d'jour on the side of article headline populism. Ashton Kutcher may have dropped out of school to pursue male modeling, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know a thing or two about microeconomics and the business of mass retailing in relation to free labor market wages. They don't just let any naif portray business genius Steve Jobs....

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Ashton Kutcher And Mila Kunis Might Be Engaged

Now that his divorce from Demi Moore is almost complete, and the 50-year old actress is done actually taking part of his large fortune thanks to no pre-nup, Ashton Kutcher is free to take his relationship with Mila Kunis to the next level. Despite reports that Ashton and Mila were already secretly engaged, the Daily Mail claims that Ashton is now set to propose and make an honest woman out of his former That 70s Show...

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Demi Moore Won't Be Getting More Divorce Cash

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's unnatural marriage is finally over and Ashton will not have to support the old crone financially. The divorce has been in a nasty back and forth for a couple of years now. Demi wanted spousal support from Ashton because he cheated on her and she hasn't made a movie anybody cared about since 1992. The judge said that since they were married in California, which is a no fault state, he...

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Kabbalah Founder Dies, Ashton Kutcher Seems Not Lost

Philip Berg, the founder of the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles passed away yesterday, drowned in a pile of money, as the prophecies foretold. For those not familiar, Kabbalah is the Jewish-rooted mystical religion famous actors and musicians join when they don't want the hassle or commitment of Scientology. They still get to donate large amounts of cash to a questionable non-profit, but they don't have to go on as...

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Ashton Kutcher Brags About $20 Mill; Demi Wants Her Cut

It's pretty much impossible to ridicule Ashton Kutcher without sounding like a jealous prick. He's nailing every hot actress in Hollywood, making supreme bank on a cakewalk TV show, and he doesn't seem to be twisted on drugs or booze or any extreme mental lapses from reality. But, he's got an ex-wife. Or soon to be. And he done fucked up big time while still in his never-ending divorce proceedings. Ashton set up...

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Ashton Kutcher Went Full Redneck

While most of young Hollywood was still popping morning after pills from the VIP orgies at Coachella, Ashton Kutcher attended the Stagecoach Music Festival over the weekend, because country music is the new trucker hat. Kutcher (seen above with the NFL's on-call pregame show, Zac Brown) was reportedly minding his own business, watching Dwight Yoakam from VIP when a female fan wanted to say hello, but things quickly...

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Friday Morning Headlines

LOUIS CK - has been witnessed peeping into windows and watching underage girls getting undressed, according to flyers posted in Huntington Beach. He's not mentioned by name, so it may be a hoax or someone just used a picture that looked close enough, or maybe he really is doing it because how else are you supposed to watch underage girls take their clothes off? Most of them are so stuck-up they make a big deal out of...

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