By Lex December 28, 2015 @ 9:42 AM
The Daily Mail broke down twenty frames of Ashton Kutcher leaving an L.A. area strip mall Asian massage parlor like it was the Zapruder film in the Kennedy Assassination. They followed quickly with a declarative that many men go to massage parlors simply for a massage. Thanks, Daily Mail. We get it. Can you close in on that spooge stain a little tighter. Those quads were super tight today.
Ashton Kutcher fans, which is kind of amazing, insist that anybody implying that Kutcher was doing anything more than healing his tense muscles are just haters. Many men go in baseball caps to North Hollywood massage parlors simply for the shiatsu and hot rocks. Though statistically man more go to be blindfolded and pretend it’s not grandma who survived the Killing Fields whose calloused hands are tugging out your latest nut. Guys worth $140 million can afford in-call on the legit business. Whereas Jewish wives frown upon happy endings under all definitions.
Kutcher was caught with his dick in the cookie jar when he was married to Demi Moore, escalating to their divorce and Moore plunking down her credit card on an commercial grade case of Reddi Wip. It remains entirely unclear why a rich famous dude in his 30′s who can fuck everything chooses to get married. Dumb is certainly one answer. I’m looking at Kutcher and I can’t think of another.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Matt July 06, 2015 @ 8:55 AM
The inexplicably famous purveyors of awful shit Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis finally got married even though it was widely assumed they already are and people were waiting for them to get into a plane crash. Kunis dropped a nauseating quote which solidified the grey matter sized marble of hatred in my heart for the couple of bastards:
“My first real kiss ever was with him on the show. We all get movie star crushes. I’m marrying mine.”
Are you talking about Dude Where’s My Car? or have you mistaken him for Christian Bale again? Because you’re the only person doing that. Five bucks says he bangs the cleaning lady yet I’ll drop a hundred to not have to hear about it. I just pictured them fucking and have been vomiting stale Gatorade for several hours. I just thought about it again there goes another laptop. Seriously ride off into the sunset and suck each other’s dicks but for the love of Christ leave us alone. If I see this chick on one more of Maxim’s list I’m moving back to New Zealand. Failing that possibly Iowa. Fuck, you can’t win. She looks like she smells.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex June 12, 2014 @ 12:56 PM
The two things keeping us from being one of those countries where Hollywood women buy babies is premium cable and birth control. You can thank HBO and the earnest folks at Planned Parenthood with their low carbon footprint Hoover-9000 for helping this country to be mostly warm and fat. In Mali, they might be willing to spread the UNICEF grain around to child seventeen, but here, everybody needs a car. Can you afford seventeen cars? Ashton Kutcher has had a lot of sex with a lot of women through the years. But no offspring. If you think that’s a coincidence, you’re simply missing out on the wonderful wide world of strip mall abortion. A woman’s right to choose is a woman’s right to choose, but, Mila Kunis, you’re about to ruin America.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Travis May 09, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
Mila Kunis knows the gender of the baby that she’s currently expecting with Ashton Kutcher, and she also has a name picked out, but she won’t reveal any of those details because it’s none of our business or something. After all, her whole relationship with Ashton had been a secret for so long, even though everyone knew about it, so she’s going to keep everything to herself because she’s so brave, according to the monkeys that smacked their hands together in Ellen DeGeneres’ audience. Among the few things she did reveal was that she’ll be having a natural birth, probably because she wants to experience the most pain possible in squeezing 8 pounds of trucker hat out of her, and Ashton is learning Russian so they can raise a bilingual baby, and he can finally learn all of the terrible shit her father has been saying about him.
By Travis April 28, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
It was Ashton Kutcher’s favorite time of year again, as the tech savvy terrible actor headed to Indio, California for the Stagecoach Country Music Festival, which covers up the stench left by Coachella’s drug-abusing hipsters with even cheaper beer and chewing tobacco. As we’ve seen in previous years, there’s nothing that Ashton loves more than dressing up like a TV stereotype of a Midwestern redneck and celebrating his love for a hillbilly jamboree, but this time he had his special little lady, Mila Kunis, with him so they could spend the whole weekend making out in front of everyone. Because there’s really nothing more country than a guy in overalls sucking face with a pregnant woman.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis March 24, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
If she was trying to hide the fact that she is pregnant, then Mila Kunis did a pretty terrible job. Ashton Kutcher’s future wife was reportedly spotted at a pre-natal yoga workout in Hollywood, and she obviously had the right reason for being there, unlike those of us who like to sit outside and watch through the window. According to E!, a source has confirmed that she is actually pregnant, which is sure to piss millions of guys off, even though they never had a shot in hell, because they’re not a male model turned actor, who might make some of the worst fucking movies ever made, but he’s still insanely wealthy and also thinks he’s a tech genius because he invested in some startups. One day, Ashton is going to write a book about his life, and it’s just going to be a few hundred pages of photos of him laughing at us all while wiping his ass with thousand dollar bills. He could title it “Smell My Finger.”
Photo Credit: Getty