Irina Shayk Brought Her Side Boob To Cannes

By Travis May 23, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Irina Shayk won Cannes last night. It’s over, all of the other celebrities can get back on their expensive boats and jets and go back to their other meaningless parties, because Irina and her black dress are the best things we’re going to see this week, short of someone suddenly inventing X-ray vision.

It’s pretty amazing to think that there are always rumors about Shayk’s boyfriend, soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, cheating on her. If any of them are true, the other women would have to be better than perfect for him to justify it. In fact, the only way that Ronaldo could even sort of explain it would be if he revealed that he had been cloning Irina and was having wild orgies with all of her doppelgangers. And even then, I’d need to be able to watch for several weeks to believe it.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Paris Hilton Signed To Cash Money Records

By Travis May 23, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

It turns out that Paris Hilton has a pretty good reason to be hanging out at the de Grisogono cocktail party and Roberto Cavalli’s yacht party with her boyfriend River Viiperi – she’s a music superstar. Anyone who was hoping her forgotten 2006 album, “Paris”, would be her only attempt to pretend she was an artist can start tying the noose, because she’s not only going to release a new album next year, but it will be produced by Cash Money Records.

Yesterday, Cash Money co-founder Birdman Tweeted, “Welcome@ParisHilton to tha Family.RichgangRichgirl.YMCMB” to make the news official, while she responded, “Thanks BO$$! Happy to be apart of the family. #PH?YMCMB” and music fans everywhere died on the inside. Paris already recorded the single “Last Night” with Cash Money star Lil Wayne last year, but this new album will be all house music.

In related news, drug dealers at EDM festivals are going to have an amazing 2014.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Alessandra Ambrosio Looks Nice At Cannes

By Travis May 22, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio could have Fran Drescher’s voice and Amanda Bynes’ brain and she’d probably still be invited to everything from the Cannes Film Festival to the birth of Jesus because of her amazing ability to stand in one place and look gorgeous. Alessandra attended last night’s De Grisogono party at Cannes, probably just because the company’s founder, Fawaz Gruosi, wanted to take a picture with her and post later on his Facebook that he totally banged her.

Also at the party was Paris Hilton, who still shows up to these A-list events because I assume people just gave up at telling her to fuck off. But if Alessandra were smart, she would have stood next to Paris until everyone there eventually named her the most beautiful woman on Earth.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Someone Stole $1 Million In Jewels At Cannes

By Travis May 17, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Sofia Coppola’s The Bling Ring is the true story of a group of regular nobodies who wanted to be famous so much that they stalked young celebrities via the internet to find out when they wouldn’t be home and then broke in and stole a bunch of shit from them. Some of the stars were big names like Orlando Bloom, Megan Fox and Rachel Bilson, while other stars like Paris Hilton and Audrina Partridge weren’t ever stars at all.

The film, starring Emma Watson and Claire Julien, debuted at Cannes yesterday, ironically while someone stole $1 million worth of jewels from the hotel room of an employee of Swiss jewelers Chopard, which supplies expensive accessories to many of the event’s stars. Amazingly, Lindsay Lohan has an alibi.

In the meantime, maybe the French detectives can figure out why Emma looks really hot at some events and awkward and geeky at others. She’s like a Seinfeld rerun come to life.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Cindy Crawford Still Has It

By Travis May 17, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

The 66th Cannes Film Festival kicked off in France yesterday, as some of the world’s biggest movie stars and celebrities hit the red carpet for the opening ceremonies. The event began with The Great Gatsby, so stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Carey Mulligan showed up to do their promotion duties, while celebrities from Steven Spielberg and Nicole Kidman to Beyonce’s sister and, for some unknown reason, David Hasselhoff got dressed up to party.

But screw all of them, because Cindy Crawford was there and her anti-aging skin care lotions must be made of leprechaun tears and unicorn jizz, because she looks fucking fantastic for 47. I’m not saying she looks perfect, but she should start hanging out with Cameron Diaz to look even younger.

(Photo Credits: WENN.com)

really seems like this boat could have gotten closer

By brendon May 29, 2012 @ 1:02 PM

2651

There are some fish who will not believe their luck if they happen to look up right now.

(image source of victoria silvstedt in cannes this weekend = inf, fame/flynet, splash)