Charlie Sheen Kills Father’s Day

By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 11:20 AM

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Proving all you need is a dick and drugs to make babies, Charlie Sheen is a dad several times over. For the holidays, Sheen likes to get especially tweaked and create reminders to his future father-less offspring of how conflicting it is when dad is deceased but also an asshole. Sheen fired off a Tweet on Father’s Day aimed at his last two wives:

Brooke M is a sexy rok star whom I adore D Richards a heretic washed up piglet Shame pile Happy Father’s Day!!!”

It’s not cool for a guy to favor one ex-wife over the other. If you have to choose I suppose you do go with the drug addict who was always carrying when you were strung out over a government holiday long weekend. Maybe it’s unfair to Denise Richards who took in Brooke and Charlie’s crack twins when both parents were so fucked up a judge prohibited them from even mentioning aloud the fact that they’d reproduced. Either way, this seems more like a Mother’s Day message. You can rest when your dead. Pencil in this coming Friday?

Photo credit: Getty Images

Charlie Sheen Winning Less

By Matt June 10, 2015 @ 7:14 AM

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Paramedics were called to Charlie Sheen’s coke compound at eleven at night because he was suffering from food poisoning. Drink some Gatorade and if you call us back we’re writing you a ticket. Whoever called didn’t dial 911, but the fire department which doesn’t record calls and therefore we won’t hear audio of your seizing head slapping the marble floor on the late local news. The food poisoning excuse seems to be exceptionally lame because Sheen hasn’t eaten a meal since Ferris Bueller and survives on crack rocks and intravenous McChickens. He is currently not working and living off the hundred million dollars he made by showing up on set after not sleeping for a week and delivering bad lines with a lack of enthusiasm while wearing a stupid bowling shirt. On top of that your aunt has the nerve to say he’s cute. The pool of vomit goes well over there. Over under I’ll give him ten years to live. He had a good run. It’s all downhill from here. Call the gaggle of porn stars he’s got one more left in him. Change the locks, the kids might want to say goodbye. How’s your tiger blood working now?

Photo Credit: Twitter 

John Mayer Sit Down

By Matt May 22, 2015 @ 8:07 AM

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John Mayer sued his Rolex dealer and lost, solidifying himself as a total fucking rich douchebag who gets a ton of pussy. Mayer reportedly bought $5 million in Rolex watches from his dealer Robert Maron. It’s unclear why he can’t go to the store and buy them but apparently he’s kind of a princess hence the Liberace paraphernalia. When he took the watches in to get repaired he claimed to have discovered counterfeit parts inside and sued Maron. Mayer now admits he was wrong and the watches were legit which proves vain poser idiots who buy Rolex can’t tell them from a Seiko nor work fourth gear on a Lambo or pass a blind taste test between your wine cellar and a bottle of Two Buck Chuck. Mayer’s lawyer released a statement which confirmed he has been billing his shithead client for two years for the service of making him look like a jackass:

“Two years of research restored John Mayer’s belief that Bob Maron is an expert on Rolex watches, and confirmed that Bob Maron never sold him a counterfeit watch.”

That’s what’s called a hard fail. An interesting caveat is Maron, in addition to being a watch dealer and kosher bagel broker was a producer for Charlie Sheen’s court mandated sitcom Anger Management. During this time he was also serving as a publicist for Sheen. Sheen claims Mayer never thought the watches were fake and was suing Maron to bring negative attention to his name, because Maron successfully negotiated for Sheen to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone the same week Mayer was lobbying for it. According to Sheen and his crew of shadow people:

This douchebag tried to bump my Rolling Stone cover… This ain’t about watches…  John pulled some things behind the scenes that were really uncool, really uncool.

John Mayer appears to be the worst person in the world which explains why he’s currently balls deep in model pussy. Being a good dude went out of style with moon boots and Sugar Mamas. Wretched is the new chic. What time is it I’ve got an eyebrow threading. This thing is broken.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Charlie Sheen Follows Politics

By Matt March 20, 2015 @ 8:06 AM

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Charlie Sheen thought it was weird that Obama has time to go on ESPN and fill out his March Madness bracket because it is. Best case scenario Obama is full of shit and acting over confident. God forbid he actually knows what he’s talking about and watches a lot of college basketball as the world nears an end game. Sheen took the opportunity to get political because he reads a lot of things that appear in his mind:

“Barry Satera Kenya u won’t attend a soldier’s funeral uhkros da street that u kild yet u hav time 4 brackets? s a d.”

If you don’t speak crackhead the reference is aimed at the repeatedly debunked theory that the White House did not send a representative to attend the funeral of a young man who was killed in Iraq. Sheen also believes 9/11 was an inside job and just about everything else coke heads talk about in the bathroom. I feel his pain but real policy wonks aren’t up at 2 am watching SportsCenter. That’s how you tell the men from the boys. Kentucky to win. Iran takes us on nuclear talks. Call it a wash.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Charlie Sheen Making Death Threats Again

By Matt March 11, 2015 @ 7:34 AM

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Charlie Sheen is apparently unhappy the Two and a Half Men finale dissed him by having a piano fall on creator Chuck Lorre while he yelled “Winning!” because Sheen is super mature and that show was a testament to once in a lifetime comedic genius. Just not this lifetime. Instead of voicing his displeasure he seems to be threatening to kill Lorre which would technically count as a tragedy:

“You must feel safe motherfucker. You must feel safe where you live.”

I wouldn’t be too concerned. It’s not like Sheen is a drug crazed lunatic prone to involuntary fits of narcissistic rage and knife and gun attacks. He also might be Cory Feldman which could provide a solid alibi. Better hire a few guards who can repel hatchets or Sheen’s HPV riddled breath if he’s been partying. This should mark a fitting end to two storied careers. Try and feign concern. It’s not funny. Pass the dip.

Photo Credit: Youtube/TMZ 

Two And A Half Men Finally Done

By Matt February 25, 2015 @ 7:05 AM

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The cultural abomination Two and a Half Men is over after twelve painful seasons. Fans of the show had hoped Charlie Sheen would return for the finale and also that they’d be allowed some extra warm milk tonight. Sheen’s character had been killed off years ago but the final episode explained he’d actually been held captive by his widow for four years, at which point he escaped and was nearly hit by a train but his life was saved by a goat. If this sounds fucking horrible you’ve never seen the show. Arnold Schwartzenegger made an appearance as a police officer and harassed some women backstage. Chuck Lorre, the show’s creator, wrote himself into the script and was smashed by a piano as he said “Winning” and your grandpa pulled the plug on your grandma. August T Jones, who played the fat kid, had previously denounced the show because he’s in a religious cult but made an appearance because Carl’s Jr. doesn’t accept Jesus parables in lieu of cash anymore. The show has always been highly rated among what’s left of the broadcast television audience. Primarily the catatonic and people too lazy to masturbate. I’m hoping it won’t go into syndication and America can wash its hands of this unfortunate period. Unfortunately there’s a lot of channels. Cover your mouth.

Photo Credit: Twitter