Charlie Sheen may have contracted the HIV virus in the conventional manner, but his attempts to rid himself of the deadly STD and return to a baseline of coronary disease and cocaine induced M.S. are anything but standard. Sheen has made various unfounded claims about his HIV count becoming so low through medicinal treatments that he’s hardly contagious. This could be just a defense ploy for his various civil suit litigations though since he’s nuts he probably also believes it. Sheen has rounded up every TV and quack offshore doctor into a Justice League of unlicensed to practice physicians to find a cure so that he may continue to fuck porn stars while super fucking high. I mean, if you’re not busy trying to cure Hawking’s ALS this week and you’ve got nothing else to do.
Dr. Samir Chachoua, which is almost certainly not the name he’s known as on Interpol arrest warrants, claimed on the Bill Maher Show that he is curing Sheen with injections of arthritic goat’s milk. As if being an arthritic lactating goat isn’t a bad enough lot. Chachoua insists the virus in the goat’s milk combats the HIV virus and diminished the count in the body of the infected patients to essentially null. He claims his cure has been used to wipe out HIV and AIDS in various African nations. It’s a clever claim because nobody can name most African nations. Chachou is so confident in his cure for HIV that he injected himself with Charlie Sheen’s blood. It seems insane though far more tolerable than letting Charlie fuck you in the ass while you’re dressed as an Ice Follies girl. There was no third option.
Everything was going swimmingly until Sheen went off his big pharma HIV suppressant meds in favor of the billy goat gruff and his viral count started to skyrocket. Even his other fake doctors screamed for him to quit the goat’s milk before he got full blown The AIDS. Dead men pay no consulting fees. It’s unfair that anybody dies while Charlie Sheens gets to live. Tiger’s blood was one thing. Chasing down arthritic goats isn’t a real sport.
Burt Reynolds who is at the age when you can say whatever the fuck you want, shocked a British TV talk show audience by declaring that Charlie Sheen got what he deserved with his HIV diagnosis. Shocking insomuch as he was teed up to say something sympathetic to a daytime audience of ladies with knee fat instead of the truth. Getting fucked up and barebacking porn stars and trannies isn’t the same health regimen as green tea colonics and twenty minutes on the Tony Little Gazelle. Nobody cried for the Marlboro man when he got lung cancer. Except for the Marlboro woman and the little Marlboro kids.
The AIDS has had a publicity campaign for twenty five years pushing the sexually transmitted disease as a completely undeserving plague. Everybody not into the Quran or Bible super heavy agrees that death isn’t the proper punishment for ass fucking, but a solid silent majority like Reynolds causally believe that fucking an ass with The AIDS will net you The AIDS and stop your blubbering. Reynolds himself was the the subject of some of the first HIV rumors in the 80′s after Rock Hudson died and Reynolds lost fifty pounds and looked like shit. He never made a decent movie again but he lived long enough to say shit other people are scared to say because we live in times that have confused chicken-shittedness for civility. Get ‘em, Bandit.
Former cum dumpster porn star Brett Rossi is suing Charlie Sheen alleging that he forced her to have an abortion rather than have a “retarded baby” because of Sheen’s HIV status. I don’t know if these two genius know that developmental disorders aren’t caused by HIV but rather can be inherited from having two chemically imbalanced parents.
Jenny McCarthy is irate that Charlie Sheen didn’t disclose to her that he was HIV positive while she had kissing scenes with him for the 2011 season of Two and a Half Men. McCarthy claims in her private life she has all of her potential sex partners test for HIV before becoming intimate. A solid practice if you’re dating high risk gay men and you’ve missed all the condom billboards around town. McCarthy says she understands that you can’t get HIV through kissing like you can when your kids get vaccinated for polio.
‘I look back and I’m like, ‘OK, that would have been some valuable information.’ I mean, look how many people have played his love interest on the show.’
Can you get the AIDS from playing somebody’s love interest on TV or not? Now I’m just confused and I have auditions for a Latin telenovela. What would you have done with this information? Turned down the one and only network gig you ever had? Think about your answer, you’re about to be curb stomped by the LGBT lobby.
After decades of massively funded public relations campaigns, HIV and The AIDS are the world’s most sympathetic communicable disease. Getting The AIDS is socially akin to running into a burning house to save a child. Only, you’re running into that house naked and that house is some guy’s ass. The media’s reaction to Charlie Sheen’s HIV positive admission is going to be some kind of tortured political correctness. Charlie Sheen bad. The AIDS good. I completely forgot the rules of moral algebra for canceling out.
Charlie Sheen went on the The Today Show with his The AIDS doctor to assure the world that he is the victim. A victim of vengeful sex partners who have been extorting him over public disclosures of his medical condition. You could look at those vengeful sex partners as opportunistic money grubbing whores, or porn stars who can no longer ever work again and may not have tons of free cash for daily Magic Johnson cocktails.
Sheen assured the world, half of whom he has fucked in a exposed orifice, that since he became aware of his HIV diagnosis, he’s informed all of his partners and engaged in only safe sex. He did cop to two instances where maybe he forgot the condoms. And of course there are those 6,456 times he was too fucked up to remember, but that shouldn’t count.
According to Fox News, Sheen had sex with multiple women just last week and kind of forgot to mention The AIDS thing. It is something you could easily forget when recounting your litany of drug and assault arrests for the more curious dates. Okay, so you chased your then wife around the Christmas Tree with a knife while blitzed on cocaine? Anything else? No? Good, enter me, Charlie, and make me feel whole again.
It’d be easy to say that you deserve what you get for fucking Charlie Sheen. I’ll say that. Maybe not so much for the paid girls needing to make the rent. In the very least, good industry habits require disclosing the deadlier of your sexually transmitted viruses. Sheen’s doctor says that his patient’s HIV is super duper contained, comparing it to how Obama has ISIS contained, so if you’ve fucked Charlie Sheen in the past half sozen years, I’d get an Advanced Directive penned up somewhat expediently. This drama is far from over.
If you had Charlie Sheen in the HIV-positive Hollywood actor pool then you win not much, since you bet the clear favorite. Last week the U.K. Sun posted a Rolling Stone level of journalism article announcing some A-list actor who got around a lot with the ladies was positive for The AIDS precursor and several of his former flings were planning on suing him. If you’ve got half a Columbo in you the whittling down to straight actor in Hollywood engaged in a ton of drugs and high risk sex with high risk sex workers the name Charlie Sheen popped up like an AIDS lesion.
Sheen is scheduled to go on the Today Show to talk about how he may now die from something other than cardiac arrest or asphyxiation. Expect Charlie Sheen to take the tough guy stance on all of this. I deserved this. I will fight this. My tiger’s blood can conquer The AIDS. It’s unclear if all the porn stars who will be suing him for infecting them with the incurable virus will be quite as stoic. We’ll have to read the legal filings. Or wait for more videos from his exes burning his photos and screaming about how $100K wasn’t enough. Not enough for what? Oh, yeah. That.