Charlie Sheen Follows Politics

By Matt March 20, 2015 @ 8:06 AM

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Charlie Sheen thought it was weird that Obama has time to go on ESPN and fill out his March Madness bracket because it is. Best case scenario Obama is full of shit and acting over confident. God forbid he actually knows what he’s talking about and watches a lot of college basketball as the world nears an end game. Sheen took the opportunity to get political because he reads a lot of things that appear in his mind:

“Barry Satera Kenya u won’t attend a soldier’s funeral uhkros da street that u kild yet u hav time 4 brackets? s a d.”

If you don’t speak crackhead the reference is aimed at the repeatedly debunked theory that the White House did not send a representative to attend the funeral of a young man who was killed in Iraq. Sheen also believes 9/11 was an inside job and just about everything else coke heads talk about in the bathroom. I feel his pain but real policy wonks aren’t up at 2 am watching SportsCenter. That’s how you tell the men from the boys. Kentucky to win. Iran takes us on nuclear talks. Call it a wash.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Charlie Sheen Making Death Threats Again

By Matt March 11, 2015 @ 7:34 AM

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Charlie Sheen is apparently unhappy the Two and a Half Men finale dissed him by having a piano fall on creator Chuck Lorre while he yelled “Winning!” because Sheen is super mature and that show was a testament to once in a lifetime comedic genius. Just not this lifetime. Instead of voicing his displeasure he seems to be threatening to kill Lorre which would technically count as a tragedy:

“You must feel safe motherfucker. You must feel safe where you live.”

I wouldn’t be too concerned. It’s not like Sheen is a drug crazed lunatic prone to involuntary fits of narcissistic rage and knife and gun attacks. He also might be Cory Feldman which could provide a solid alibi. Better hire a few guards who can repel hatchets or Sheen’s HPV riddled breath if he’s been partying. This should mark a fitting end to two storied careers. Try and feign concern. It’s not funny. Pass the dip.

Photo Credit: Youtube/TMZ 

Two And A Half Men Finally Done

By Matt February 25, 2015 @ 7:05 AM

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The cultural abomination Two and a Half Men is over after twelve painful seasons. Fans of the show had hoped Charlie Sheen would return for the finale and also that they’d be allowed some extra warm milk tonight. Sheen’s character had been killed off years ago but the final episode explained he’d actually been held captive by his widow for four years, at which point he escaped and was nearly hit by a train but his life was saved by a goat. If this sounds fucking horrible you’ve never seen the show. Arnold Schwartzenegger made an appearance as a police officer and harassed some women backstage. Chuck Lorre, the show’s creator, wrote himself into the script and was smashed by a piano as he said “Winning” and your grandpa pulled the plug on your grandma. August T Jones, who played the fat kid, had previously denounced the show because he’s in a religious cult but made an appearance because Carl’s Jr. doesn’t accept Jesus parables in lieu of cash anymore. The show has always been highly rated among what’s left of the broadcast television audience. Primarily the catatonic and people too lazy to masturbate. I’m hoping it won’t go into syndication and America can wash its hands of this unfortunate period. Unfortunately there’s a lot of channels. Cover your mouth.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Charlie Sheen Rescues Brian Williams And Shit Around The Web

By Jack February 12, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Brian Williams is in a shitload of trouble, so naturally who you want defending your name is Charlie Sheen. Charlie called what’s happening to Williams a “witch hunt”. I wonder why Sheen even cares? Maybe they used to do blow together at the Playboy mansion?

Read all about Charlie’s defense of lyin’ Brian. (TMZ)

Unpronounceable hottie Paula Bulczynska shows off her bare tits. (Egotastic)

Elizabeth Olsen has some glorious sideboob. (Drunken Stepfather)

Lydie Page’s booty makes me want to cry with joy. (Hollywood Tuna)

Irina Shayk’s Sports Illustrated spread is getting my pressure up. (Popoholic)

Ever wonder how Farrah Abraham became the cum slut we know today? Meet her parents. (The Superficial)

Jwoww got herself some new tits as a birthing gift. (Dlisted)

Charlie Sheen Slams Kim Kardashian, Why Not

By Matt January 06, 2015 @ 9:22 AM

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Charlie Sheen went on a Twitter rant while sober people were sleeping about an at best second hand story regarding Kim Kardashian. It centered around her reportedly denying a six year old girl an autograph. This is according to his friend C Thomas Howell who nobody knew had a drug problem until now, although it’s hard to discern if Sheen was talking to the actual Howell or shadow people. If the story is true the rant should be directed at the girl’s parents. Certainly Sheen is one to judge since he’s limited himself to a strict booze and porn regimen during court ordered supervised visits with his children. Either way it’s refreshing when someone doesn’t give a shit:

“You are lucky that ANYONE cares about your gross and giggly bag of funk you dare call an ass… your public loves u. give something back or go f yourself. My apologies to your hubby, great guy I’m sure, I hope his vision returns one day.”

TMZ reached out to Sheen, who got back to them right away since he’d been talking to the ants on his ceiling since his last speedball. He stood by his hatred of Kardashian even though he or his caretaker had since deleted his tweets:

“Zero gratitude, zero awareness, zero talent, a pox on the face of entertainment she is!”

It seems Sheen is picking on the one person in Hollywood more widely disregarded than himself. Maybe good crack is the shit and makes an honest man of you. Maybe she told him to fuck off when he drunkenly hit on her. Probably both. Either way, this is fun.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Charlie Sheen Allowed Around Children

By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 7:40 AM

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Charlie Sheen and his ex procreation and crack smoking partner Brooke Mueller have agreed on a custody arrangement of their troubled twin sons. Sheen will be allowed monitored visits as he flop sweats through two hours of sobriety while a social worker plays frisbee with the little Damien children. The arrangement follows information that Sheen was wasted while the kids visited in the past. No word on whether or not he was more fun.

Mueller has been in and out of rehab, and stashed the kids with Sheen’s ex ex wife Denise Richards after she almost OD’d a few years ago which must have been awkard. Mueller is also being sued by her former assistant for sucking a ton of dick in front of him. Clearly these two kids are kindred spirits. If double ended crack pipes existed, they probably could’ve kept their romance alive. The kids will have to balance their future parental divorce from Sheen with his ability to introduce them to cracked out porn stars once they turn sixteen. Poor black kids have to grow up knowing cops might take them out one day. Rich white kids have to grow up knowing their dad is Charlie Sheen. Things are tough all over.

Photo Credit: Getty Images