Brett Rossi To Be The Next Future Ex-Mrs. Charlie Sheen

By Jack February 17, 2014 @ 4:32 PM

Dragon-blooded warlock Charlie Sheen is now officially engaged to his professionally gang-banged girlfriend, Brett Rossi. The Hot Shots: Part Deux star flew Rossi on a private jet to Hawaii to pop the question. The two have been mutually squeezing Charlie’s penis pump for a while and there were rumors that they had already gotten married a few months ago. But it turned out to be just Sheen being a precocious scamp and pulling a joke on us all. This would be the fourth marriage for Sheen whose previously been hitched to Denise Richards, Brooke Mueller, and Donna Peele. To make herself feel better about her odds, Rossi claims that she would actually be number three because,

“With all due respect to Donna – that maiden Klay-Vinn was annulled. Therefore, if “three” truly is a charm; The mashup/acronym of the real CS, (Charlie & Scottie) HAS to be; ‘Char-M-stee…’ xox c&s.”

I don’t speak coked-out crazy porn bitch so that means fuck all to me. But I think she’s implying that she and Charlie were meant to be and that she’s lucky number three, like the number of times Charlie’s heart has stopped cold in the past decade. This is the kind of mental gymnastics even less equipped women do to talk themselves into thinking that marrying a guy like Charlie Sheen is a good idea. Of course, if your life-plan alternative is taking ponytailed dudes in your privates waiting for The AIDS to snatch your formally, being Charlie’s next old lady probably doesn’t seem so bad. When he’s chasing you around the Christmas tree with a kitchen knife asking who stole his shit, just remind yourself, this is so much better than a fist in the ass.

(Photo Via Twitter)

Charlie Sheen Threatened Ashton Kutcher

By Travis February 07, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Despite the fact that he’s collecting paycheck after paycheck on his own terrible show, Charlie Sheen is apparently still pissed off and bitter that Two and a Half Men moved on without him. Meanwhile, most of us are still pissed off and bitter that it ever existed in the first place. On Wednesday, Charlie Tweeted at Ashton Kutcher to “quit barfing on my old brilliant show,” which caused Ashton to respond to him on Jimmy Kimmel Live later that night with a simple “Dude, shut the fuck up.” Charlie, a 48-year old man, then apologized to him on Twitter, claiming he was pissed off at something else and just taking it out on him. But he added, “but news flash Dood, you ever tell me to shut the F*** up, EVER again, and I’ll put you on a hospital food diet for a year. c #YaFeelMe Jr?” Someone needs to kick this old guy’s ass two times just so he doesn’t have a reason to complain after the first one.

Photo Credit: Getty

Charlie Sheen May Be Married, Again

By Jack January 06, 2014 @ 2:20 PM

Charlie Sheen claims that he married his porn star girlfriend Brett Rossi but he may be lying. It all started when the former star of Hot Shots: Part Deux and that shitty Two and A Half Men show Tweeted a photo of him and Rossi visiting a famous mansion in Reykjavik, Iceland. It was there that Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev had one of their old guy cold war chats. So, naturally this would be the place where the warlock would choose to marry his paid sex performer girlfriend. He Tweeted,

“this is the house ware M Gorbachev R Reagan did some epic. it’s also where S and I GOT MARRIED! c #RumorMillUhPede”

S is crazy Charlie Sheen code for Scottie, which is Rossi’s nickname. Presumably because she likes to take it in the warp drives. He may very well be lying. His people claim that it was all a hilarious joke. At least half of that has to be a lie. We are talking about Charlie Sheen. This guy is pretty impulsive and I can see him thinking that the only appropriate venue for someone with dragon blood to get married is a historic house on a volcanic island. He’s been married three other times, what’s a fourth. Your kids already hate you, plus you need a fresh face to chase around the house with a kitchen knife when you get fucked up kind of angry high.

(Photo Via Twitter)

Charlie Sheen Not So Subtly Threatens Denise Richards

By Jack December 16, 2013 @ 1:59 PM

Denise Richards has angered the Warlock, Charlie Sheen, into cutting up a wedding souvenir baseball bat with a bayonet. It seems that the tiger-blooded star of such classic films as Hot Shots: Part Deux and You Can’t Arrest Me, I’m Made of Fuck You Money is mad at his ex-wife for not inviting him along on the family Christmas trip with their kids Lola and Sam. Pretty shitty, I guess. I’m not entirely sure I’d want Charlie Sheen around my kids at the Yuletide. That is the season when he likes to chase women around the Christmas pine with a butcher’s knife . Charlie took the non-invite rather like a man, cutting up the souvenir from their wedding with what appears to be an old rusty army bayonet. You know, like you do, when you’re not violent, not-wasted, and not obsessed with random weapons of yore.

Charlie then Tweeted the picture of his craftsmanship to let Denise Richards know that even if he’s frail and pale and sickly, he’s still got plenty of threatening-women-juice left in the tank. That Charlie truly is an old school rapscallion.

(Photo Via Twitter)

Brett Rossi is the Former Porn Star that Stole Charlie Sheen’s Heart

By Travis December 09, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Charlie Sheen’s days of nailing everything with two feet may be numbered, because the 48-year old actor who looks like he’s at least 60 claims that his current girlfriend, former porn star Brett Rossi, is the love of his life. Charlie recently put on a hell of a sickening public display with Brett for everyone with a camera to conveniently witness, but while he’s busy accusing his former porn star girlfriends of stealing money from him, he has also been telling TMZ that Brett is the pot of fake breasts at the end of his jizz-soaked rainbow.

“I’ve been on a lifelong journey, a 1000 century quest, in search of the better and missing half of my heart and my brane (sic),” he wrote with incredible irony, adding, “That expedition is now (rated) ‘a major success’ and beyond the valley of dunn-ski complete. The MaSheen wins again.” So we can all look forward to his incredibly offensive and juvenile rant about Brett when this shit goes south by February.

Photo Credit: Getty

Charlie Sheen Can’t Believe Porn Stars Used Him

By Travis December 03, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

While Charlie Sheen is taking a break from fighting with the Los Angeles child custody people by hanging out with his latest porn star girlfriend, Brett Rossi, in Cabo, he dropped a note to TMZ that explains how he felt when he discovered that his last trio of “Charlie’s Angels” porn stars (Celeste Star, Jayme Langford and Jana Jordan) was apparently just using him for his money, as they ran up the bills on his credit cards.

I know, I’m also completely shocked that three 20-something girls who have sex on camera for a living would have only wanted a 48-year old with a history of violent behavior for his money, but I guess that love is simply dead. Charlie’s written statement is about as mature and meaningless as you’d expect from him, but full of snappy one-liners that we can all use in our own custody battles this week.

Also, I’m pretty sure that he confesses murder.

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