Charlie Sheen Rescues Brian Williams And Shit Around The Web

By Jack February 12, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

166386766

Brian Williams is in a shitload of trouble, so naturally who you want defending your name is Charlie Sheen. Charlie called what’s happening to Williams a “witch hunt”. I wonder why Sheen even cares? Maybe they used to do blow together at the Playboy mansion?

Read all about Charlie’s defense of lyin’ Brian. (TMZ)

Unpronounceable hottie Paula Bulczynska shows off her bare tits. (Egotastic)

Elizabeth Olsen has some glorious sideboob. (Drunken Stepfather)

Lydie Page’s booty makes me want to cry with joy. (Hollywood Tuna)

Irina Shayk’s Sports Illustrated spread is getting my pressure up. (Popoholic)

Ever wonder how Farrah Abraham became the cum slut we know today? Meet her parents. (The Superficial)

Jwoww got herself some new tits as a birthing gift. (Dlisted)

Charlie Sheen Slams Kim Kardashian, Why Not

By Matt January 06, 2015 @ 9:22 AM

Char

Charlie Sheen went on a Twitter rant while sober people were sleeping about an at best second hand story regarding Kim Kardashian. It centered around her reportedly denying a six year old girl an autograph. This is according to his friend C Thomas Howell who nobody knew had a drug problem until now, although it’s hard to discern if Sheen was talking to the actual Howell or shadow people. If the story is true the rant should be directed at the girl’s parents. Certainly Sheen is one to judge since he’s limited himself to a strict booze and porn regimen during court ordered supervised visits with his children. Either way it’s refreshing when someone doesn’t give a shit:

“You are lucky that ANYONE cares about your gross and giggly bag of funk you dare call an ass… your public loves u. give something back or go f yourself. My apologies to your hubby, great guy I’m sure, I hope his vision returns one day.”

TMZ reached out to Sheen, who got back to them right away since he’d been talking to the ants on his ceiling since his last speedball. He stood by his hatred of Kardashian even though he or his caretaker had since deleted his tweets:

“Zero gratitude, zero awareness, zero talent, a pox on the face of entertainment she is!”

It seems Sheen is picking on the one person in Hollywood more widely disregarded than himself. Maybe good crack is the shit and makes an honest man of you. Maybe she told him to fuck off when he drunkenly hit on her. Probably both. Either way, this is fun.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Charlie Sheen Allowed Around Children

By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 7:40 AM

Sheen

Charlie Sheen and his ex procreation and crack smoking partner Brooke Mueller have agreed on a custody arrangement of their troubled twin sons. Sheen will be allowed monitored visits as he flop sweats through two hours of sobriety while a social worker plays frisbee with the little Damien children. The arrangement follows information that Sheen was wasted while the kids visited in the past. No word on whether or not he was more fun.

Mueller has been in and out of rehab, and stashed the kids with Sheen’s ex ex wife Denise Richards after she almost OD’d a few years ago which must have been awkard. Mueller is also being sued by her former assistant for sucking a ton of dick in front of him. Clearly these two kids are kindred spirits. If double ended crack pipes existed, they probably could’ve kept their romance alive. The kids will have to balance their future parental divorce from Sheen with his ability to introduce them to cracked out porn stars once they turn sixteen. Poor black kids have to grow up knowing cops might take them out one day. Rich white kids have to grow up knowing their dad is Charlie Sheen. Things are tough all over.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Dumped Charlie Sheen Fiancee Tries to Off Herself! I Don’t Know, Maybe

By Lex November 05, 2014 @ 8:59 AM

Brett-Rossi-at-the-Sink

According to reports, the porn star Charlie Sheen dumped before a scheduled marriage this month was rushed to the hospital over the weekend to have her stomach pumped following an overdose. It’s unclear what Brett Rossi overdosed on. Leading speculation is either kale salad or prescription pharmaceuticals. If you’ve ever eaten too much fucking kale, you know which is worse.

It can’t be easy when the love of your life and occasional knife or fist wielding domestic abuser dumps you at the altar. Every girl dreams of locking up her future with a egomaniac who likes to fry his brain and hurt his women. Love is fickle that way. Rossi’s people refuted the entire drug overdose scenario:

Her hospital stay was due to an adverse reaction to a newly prescribed medication. The rumors that she had her stomach pumped due to an overdose are completely false. Scottine has always been an advocate for living a healthy, sober lifestyle and has never had a history of substance abuse in her past.

Scottine is another name Rossi goes by. Porn stars tend to have multiple names much like flimflam men, Dominican ballplayers, and Nazi war criminals hiding out in Argentina. Obviously, the streets are filled with ambulances rushing women to the hospital because they didn’t take well to their new yeast abatement medication. Sometimes, you do have every single one of those adverse reaction disclaimers mentioned in the commercials. Especially when you chase your 10 mg of Yeasterin with a kilo of Oxy.

Add this verse to the sad ballad of the porn star. Life expectancy about 30. The modern day coal miners we send down the tunnels knowing they may never return. Somebody’s got to keep the lights on.

Charlie Sheen Is Lawsuit Prone

By Matt October 06, 2014 @ 6:04 AM

Sheen2

Charlie Sheen is being sued by a dental assistant who he maybe grabbed her tits and told her he was  going to fucking kill her. She says Sheen was high on crack, which he says is ridiculous because crack is such a catchall term used by laymen who don’t understand the various rock cocaine options like he does. Sheen claims he was merely on a bunch of prescription drugs for a shoulder injury, which he most likely injured while high on crack and grabbing other girls tits and threatening to kill them. She alleges Sheen grabbed her breast, tried to pull off her bra, stabbed the shit out of the dentist chair and came at someone else with a knife. I’m no Columbo, but we might want to check out that chair. If it looks like tenderized chuck steak there might be a problem. Sheen’s lawyer, Marty Singer, says the suit is ridiculous and the assistant is:

“An opportunist looking to make her fifteen minutes of fame”

Yes because fuck American Idol, everyone wants to be known as the person who got assaulted at work by Charlie Sheen. We will probably never know what really happened because Sheen’s lawyers will settle this case immediately, lest it go to trial and Charlie Sheen’s closet full of coked up Malaysian hooker skeletons come tumbling out. I’ll take a guess at $75,000 and a new dental chair delivered on the down low.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

 

Charlie Sheen Probably Not Sober

By Matt October 03, 2014 @ 8:35 AM

Sheen

Charlie Sheen admits he freaked out at his dentist office and flailed his arms around knocking over a bunch of shit, but says he was totally sober. Accept for an untold molehill of prescription meds he was taking for a supposed shoulder injury, but those drugs don’t count because they are taxed. A dental assistant claims Sheen hit her and pulled a knife on her. Charlie says he was merely spazzing out after being given the nitrous oxide he almost certainly requested, a reaction unheard of in modern medical science. The assistant has since been fired on a technicality because she had mentioned to her son that Sheen was in the office and getting his crackhead teeth replaced with those of baby bottle nosed dolphins. If you own a medical practice it’s probably a better move to throw your assistant under the bus than get into a lengthy and highly publicized lawsuit from a guy with tons of cash and coke rage. We will never know, or care, what really happened here. But in a game of who is more likely a big fat fucking liar, I might be temped to go with the drugged out celebrity banging porn stars than the chick who cleans people’s disgusting mouths nine hours a day just to pay the rent and feed her kid.

Photo Credit: Getty Images