By Matt December 10, 2014 @ 7:40 AM
Charlie Sheen and his ex procreation and crack smoking partner Brooke Mueller have agreed on a custody arrangement of their troubled twin sons. Sheen will be allowed monitored visits as he flop sweats through two hours of sobriety while a social worker plays frisbee with the little Damien children. The arrangement follows information that Sheen was wasted while the kids visited in the past. No word on whether or not he was more fun.
Mueller has been in and out of rehab, and stashed the kids with Sheen’s ex ex wife Denise Richards after she almost OD’d a few years ago which must have been awkard. Mueller is also being sued by her former assistant for sucking a ton of dick in front of him. Clearly these two kids are kindred spirits. If double ended crack pipes existed, they probably could’ve kept their romance alive. The kids will have to balance their future parental divorce from Sheen with his ability to introduce them to cracked out porn stars once they turn sixteen. Poor black kids have to grow up knowing cops might take them out one day. Rich white kids have to grow up knowing their dad is Charlie Sheen. Things are tough all over.
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By Lex November 05, 2014 @ 8:59 AM
According to reports, the porn star Charlie Sheen dumped before a scheduled marriage this month was rushed to the hospital over the weekend to have her stomach pumped following an overdose. It’s unclear what Brett Rossi overdosed on. Leading speculation is either kale salad or prescription pharmaceuticals. If you’ve ever eaten too much fucking kale, you know which is worse.
It can’t be easy when the love of your life and occasional knife or fist wielding domestic abuser dumps you at the altar. Every girl dreams of locking up her future with a egomaniac who likes to fry his brain and hurt his women. Love is fickle that way. Rossi’s people refuted the entire drug overdose scenario:
Her hospital stay was due to an adverse reaction to a newly prescribed medication. The rumors that she had her stomach pumped due to an overdose are completely false. Scottine has always been an advocate for living a healthy, sober lifestyle and has never had a history of substance abuse in her past.
Scottine is another name Rossi goes by. Porn stars tend to have multiple names much like flimflam men, Dominican ballplayers, and Nazi war criminals hiding out in Argentina. Obviously, the streets are filled with ambulances rushing women to the hospital because they didn’t take well to their new yeast abatement medication. Sometimes, you do have every single one of those adverse reaction disclaimers mentioned in the commercials. Especially when you chase your 10 mg of Yeasterin with a kilo of Oxy.
Add this verse to the sad ballad of the porn star. Life expectancy about 30. The modern day coal miners we send down the tunnels knowing they may never return. Somebody’s got to keep the lights on.
By Matt October 06, 2014 @ 6:04 AM
Charlie Sheen is being sued by a dental assistant who he maybe grabbed her tits and told her he was going to fucking kill her. She says Sheen was high on crack, which he says is ridiculous because crack is such a catchall term used by laymen who don’t understand the various rock cocaine options like he does. Sheen claims he was merely on a bunch of prescription drugs for a shoulder injury, which he most likely injured while high on crack and grabbing other girls tits and threatening to kill them. She alleges Sheen grabbed her breast, tried to pull off her bra, stabbed the shit out of the dentist chair and came at someone else with a knife. I’m no Columbo, but we might want to check out that chair. If it looks like tenderized chuck steak there might be a problem. Sheen’s lawyer, Marty Singer, says the suit is ridiculous and the assistant is:
“An opportunist looking to make her fifteen minutes of fame”
Yes because fuck American Idol, everyone wants to be known as the person who got assaulted at work by Charlie Sheen. We will probably never know what really happened because Sheen’s lawyers will settle this case immediately, lest it go to trial and Charlie Sheen’s closet full of coked up Malaysian hooker skeletons come tumbling out. I’ll take a guess at $75,000 and a new dental chair delivered on the down low.
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By Matt October 03, 2014 @ 8:35 AM
Charlie Sheen admits he freaked out at his dentist office and flailed his arms around knocking over a bunch of shit, but says he was totally sober. Accept for an untold molehill of prescription meds he was taking for a supposed shoulder injury, but those drugs don’t count because they are taxed. A dental assistant claims Sheen hit her and pulled a knife on her. Charlie says he was merely spazzing out after being given the nitrous oxide he almost certainly requested, a reaction unheard of in modern medical science. The assistant has since been fired on a technicality because she had mentioned to her son that Sheen was in the office and getting his crackhead teeth replaced with those of baby bottle nosed dolphins. If you own a medical practice it’s probably a better move to throw your assistant under the bus than get into a lengthy and highly publicized lawsuit from a guy with tons of cash and coke rage. We will never know, or care, what really happened here. But in a game of who is more likely a big fat fucking liar, I might be temped to go with the drugged out celebrity banging porn stars than the chick who cleans people’s disgusting mouths nine hours a day just to pay the rent and feed her kid.
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By Matt September 24, 2014 @ 6:36 AM
Charlie Sheen wants to return to Two And A Half Men as his former character who was killed off after Sheen left the show due to cocaine and later on, even more cocaine. Before being fired, Sheen blasted the show as being contrite and dull, which led the producers to hire Ashton Kutcher as Sheen’s replacement to keep the winning formula. Sheen’s probably too proud to admit it, but he probably misses his ten hours a week of reciting stale jokes for an eight figure payday:
“I just want to do it classy. I want to do it in a way that still services what the show is today, and also honors what it was when I was there. Who knows? I’m sure they are over there right now, pen to paper, trying to figure something out… It’s a pretty smart group over there and I’m sure they will figure something. Something that makes sense to everyone.”
Children of famous actors have it pretty good. When you wake up from your drug induced stupor on your solid teak floor, there’s always work on one of the dozens of pro forma sitcoms clouding the airways to distract viewers from their backwards mortgage. Sheen wants to do this like I want to walk down to the corner store and scratch off a $10,000 winning ticket. The difference is I don’t know which ticket is the winner, while Sheen’s is always in his back pocket next to a 5 gram crack rock.
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By Travis May 28, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Charlie Sheen’s pursuit of his ex-wife’s unhappiness has jumped from threatening on Twitter to have her child support payments reduced to sending his lawyers in with boxes and a moving truck. According to Radar, Charlie and Brett Rossi want Denise Richards out of their gated community, so he went ahead and sold the house that Denise and his kids had been living in to a friend. Charlie had reportedly been pissed that Denise wouldn’t let him see his daughters at Christmas, and that’s why he vowed to have the $55,000 that he pays her monthly for child support reduced. Another reason to have that amount reduced is because it’s fucking insane. Short of having them home-schooled by Neil deGrasse Tyson and Stephen Hawking, there is nothing that Denise-fucking-Richards can do that deserves that much money. Charlie should be able to keep most of it so he can keep researching the super STD that he’ll eventually be patient zero for.
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