Chris Christie Deemed Fat

By Matt May 12, 2015 @ 6:48 AM


Chris Christie is being chastised for expense accounting a ton of food and drinks for which his office has a budget like every other governor. Christie has spent $300,000 on food and booze during his five years in office, including $85,000 combined between a Giants and Jets game. If you know government or any other big business, shit doesn’t get done without free food and booze. It’s right up there with providing hookers and certainly more important than your legislative policy. I feel like Christie is being unfairly singled out. The articles on this subject insinuate Christie was eating all this shit by himself on a king size at the W while watching Judge Joe Brown. It would be like writing an article on abortions performed under Hillary Clinton’s Senatorial watch as if she personally had all those abortions when we know the real number is probably less than six. Christie’s the governor of New Jersey. You best provide a decent lasagna when working out bridge closures with the connected road crews. Just say it. Christie’s not real concerned with ethics. Like all fat people.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Chris Christie Trouble In Paradise

By Matt May 04, 2015 @ 7:22 AM


David Wildstein, a New Jersey Port Authority bureaucrat, pleaded guilty to involvement in closing lanes on the Jersey side of the George Washington Bridge to spite political opponents. Wildstein says he will testify under oath that Christie gave the plan the go ahead, most likely while eating a meatball hero not with his mouth. Of course Wildstein is a pedophile who likes to hang outside the Color Me Mine offering stolen yogurt samples to children from war torn countries and once compared a beagle to Rosie O’Donnell rendering it with indigestion. None of that’s true but anyone working on the upcoming smear campaign feel free to use it. Expect Christie to testify slightly after his third term in office if he hasn’t already had the State House blown up by his evil twin who emerged as Undersecretary of Agriculture after the cyborg heart transplant went awry. If you were sitting in traffic you’d want all these fuckers publicly hanged. It’s a highly publicized case and we have great relations with Saudi Arabia. I move for a change of venue.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

The Downside of Being Harry

By Lex May 14, 2013 @ 4:06 PM

It goes without saying that being born Prince Harry is a pretty sweet roll of the cosmic dice. You get cars and girls and money just for emerging out of the right vagina. It’s not a bad gig. But, at times, it comes with its downsides. Like having to hang with lap-banded Chris Christie on the boardwalk touring Sandy damage. Chris Christie cares about hurricane damage in New Jersey a whole lot. He has to. Prince Harry doesn’t give a fuck and he’d rather be doing blow with naked hookers in Vegas like his last trip stateside. Instead he’s checking out washed out buildings while trying not to be sucked in by the gravitational forces of the governor’s enormous gunt. Is the tradeoff worth it? Fuck yeah it is. Still, a long day with the lime green Weeble has to make you consider trading lives with a Pauper.

Chris Christie Decides To Stop Being Such A Fat Fuck

By Jack May 08, 2013 @ 10:23 AM

Chris Christie, the fatty fatty boom batty governor of New Jersey, revealed that he got lap band surgery in February. Christie became a national figure after his speech at the GOP convention in 2012 and then his able handling of the recovery after Hurricane Sandy. But whenever anyone brought up a possible presidential run in 2016 it was immediately dismissed by pundits mostly because he’s fat as fuck. When Teddy Roosevelt had wicked asthma as a kid, he forced himself outdoors until he painfully wheezed himself into a cute. He was a badass. Chris Christie essentially put a lock on his fridge door because he can’t stop stuffing his face with pastries. What if he can’t control his urge to invade Switzerland or change the national anthem to a really long Bruce Springsteen ballad? There’s no lap band for that. We’re fucked.