It goes without saying that being born Prince Harry is a pretty sweet roll of the cosmic dice. You get cars and girls and money just for emerging out of the right vagina. It’s not a bad gig. But, at times, it comes with its downsides. Like having to hang with lap-banded Chris Christie on the boardwalk touring Sandy damage. Chris Christie cares about hurricane damage in New Jersey a whole lot. He has to. Prince Harry doesn’t give a fuck and he’d rather be doing blow with naked hookers in Vegas like his last trip stateside. Instead he’s checking out washed out buildings while trying not to be sucked in by the gravitational forces of the governor’s enormous gunt. Is the tradeoff worth it? Fuck yeah it is. Still, a long day with the lime green Weeble has to make you consider trading lives with a Pauper.
Chris Christie, the fatty fatty boom batty governor of New Jersey, revealed that he got lap band surgery in February. Christie became a national figure after his speech at the GOP convention in 2012 and then his able handling of the recovery after Hurricane Sandy. But whenever anyone brought up a possible presidential run in 2016 it was immediately dismissed by pundits mostly because he’s fat as fuck. When Teddy Roosevelt had wicked asthma as a kid, he forced himself outdoors until he painfully wheezed himself into a cute. He was a badass. Chris Christie essentially put a lock on his fridge door because he can’t stop stuffing his face with pastries. What if he can’t control his urge to invade Switzerland or change the national anthem to a really long Bruce Springsteen ballad? There’s no lap band for that. We’re fucked.