Coldplay Nabs Super Bowl Halftime

By Lex December 07, 2015 @ 7:12 AM

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Gay Beethoven and the couple or three other guys he pretends are part of Coldplay will be headlining the Super Bowl halftime show in February 2016. While football demo skews heavily male, the halftime show reaches fifty million women cleaning up nacho crumbs while their knights in shining armor take monster shits in the back bathroom. The music industry pushes Katy Perry, Janet Jackson, Madonna, Bruno Mars and Coldplay for free Super Bowl halftime shows in exchange for promotional value. Sepp Blatter might wet his beak. That’s one massive audience of disenchanted females who wish their guys were more romantic like a Coldplay song. What do you mean your songs all about seeing other boy’s penis in the locker room in middle school? Even the uptempo stuff? I miss jetpack guy. Are we beating ISIS yet?

Photo credit: Getty Images

Gwyneth Is Back on the Market And Shit Around The Web

By Michael April 20, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Gwyneth Paltrow is officially divorced from her ex-husband Chris Martin. You can new age label this shit all you want, when a couple hens with tons of dough call it quits, there’s a ton of legal work to get through. Also, less importantly, less died today. RIP True Love.

Read all about the conscious uncoupling’s finalization. (TMZ)

Vanessa Hudgens shows off her boobage in New York City. (Egotastic)

Stephen Colbert interviews George Lucas aka. the guy who raped your childhood. (Huffington Post)

Kelly Gale looks hotter in Victoria’s Secret lingerie than your girlfriend. (Drunken Stepfather)

Miranda Lambert’s cleavage really is a thing of beauty. (Hollywood Tuna)

Daniela Lopez Osorio in a bikini will make your eyes pop out like a cartoon wolf. (Popoholic)

Do you like girls in sports bras? Well, then it’s your lucky day. (The Chive)

Time to Save Africa Again With a Crappy Song (VIDEO)

By Lex November 17, 2014 @ 10:07 AM

Every five to ten years, Bono and Gay Beethoven and Bob Geldof and whoever’s hot in the British pop music scene spend another few hours re-recording the exact same fucking song to cure the latest African hardship. It started thirty years ago with Band Aid’s Do They Know It’s Christmas?, an ensemble recording designed to heal Ethiopia of being one super crappy place to live. Fifty million radio plays later, Ethiopia is still a shit hole. For Band Aid 30, it’s Ebola. The boys from One Direction are determined to snuff it out. They changed ‘feed the world’ to ‘heal the world’ which is short for can somebody please fucking buy the Congo some indoor plumbing already. If Ebola was feeling perhaps a bit over-confident what with Obama offering it red carpet welcomes in the U.S, and the fact that half of Sierra Leone still sees diarrhea as a potable liquid, this new Band-Aid recording ought to send shivers down its viral spine. You’re done, Ebola. This song cured famine in sub-Saharan Sudan, turned Haiti into a thriving economic juggernaut, and it’s going to flush Ebola right down Santa’s crapper.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Chris Martin Uncouples from Jennifer Lawrence And Shit Around The Web

By Michael October 27, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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It’s time to spin the roulette wheel of Chris Martin beards. I’m not suggesting that Chris Martin is gay, merely that a decade of having to beg Gwyneth Paltrow for a handshake and a compliment made him realize he had a low fence and it was time to hop over.

Martin and Lawrence are over, deal with your sad feelings through song (Dlisted)

Duck Commander’s son suffers hunting seizure, dad declares mouth to mouth gay (TMZ)

Paris Hilton is one sexy cockeyed bunny, if you include the coke and dismiss the pox (HuffPo)

Hilary Swank is half monster half… you’ll see (DrunkenStepfather)

Kat Torres is pretty damn hot for a bottled water whore (HollywoodTuna)

Anne Hathaway looks good, actually pretty fucking good (Popoholic)

Maria Menounos ass is ripe like a ripe some kind of big fruit (Superficial)

Jennifer Lawrence’s Boyfriend Is Gay Adjacent

By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 8:01 AM

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Jennifer Lawrence offered up some heinous details of her relationship with Chris Martin in Vanity Fair, like how she mostly gets off on reality TV and farting these days:

“Isn’t boring so much better than passion?… I would just rather have somebody that has the same taste in reality TV… [Someone who] you know, isn’t afraid to fart in front of me [rather] than to have big, passionate love. I’d rather have just a peaceful time… You can be your true self with somebody, and somebody can be their true self with you.”

This seems like a departure from snapping large volumes of self diddling photos for her last boyfriend. Maybe an impressionable Lawrence is channeling her elderly effeminate boyfriend’s longwinded explanations of how watching Dance Moms provides a greater spiritual connection than grappling with her supple breasts. People get comfortable. Sometimes the thrill just isn’t there, but if this is the case in the first months of dating, the dude has a few Abercrombie clad skeletons in his closet. This is the period in the relationship when people carnally fuck each other’s brains out and call it true love. Coldplay should provide a solid soundtrack to a dull lifeless relationship where the two bond deeply over eating bon bons and catty gossip about the neighbors upstairs.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Gwyneth Paltrow Tightens Leash

By Matt September 24, 2014 @ 6:09 AM

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Gwyneth Paltrow still has her husband pussy whipped even though he’s getting hotter younger celebrity photo hacked pussy. Anonymous sources, who would have to be Paltrow’s upstairs gimp given the intimate knowledge, claims Paltrow drew up a schedule for Chris Martin detailing when he is compelled to show up and mope around their former marital home. Paltrow wants to make sure her kids get plenty of normal family time with both of her parents and photographs of the two of them sharing in parenting work to show at their kids’ future minors emancipation trial. Paltrow’s current maternal duties include watching Sámi caretakers on Skype administering wheat grass IVs to her children and trying to find pictures of the kids where they don’t look like sickly demonic toe-heads. Martin hasn’t completely lost his zeal for submissive punishment so he’ll likely keep to his prescribed visitation schedule. Though at some point he is going to start bringing Jennifer Lawrence around with him. This despite the double asterisk note at the bottom of the Goop emails insisting he never bring his cheap blonde whore or he’ll be put in the punishment chair.

Photo Credit: Getty Images