Jennifer Lawrence’s Boyfriend Is Gay Adjacent

By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 8:01 AM

Jlaw

Jennifer Lawrence offered up some heinous details of her relationship with Chris Martin in Vanity Fair, like how she mostly gets off on reality TV and farting these days:

“Isn’t boring so much better than passion?… I would just rather have somebody that has the same taste in reality TV… [Someone who] you know, isn’t afraid to fart in front of me [rather] than to have big, passionate love. I’d rather have just a peaceful time… You can be your true self with somebody, and somebody can be their true self with you.”

This seems like a departure from snapping large volumes of self diddling photos for her last boyfriend. Maybe an impressionable Lawrence is channeling her elderly effeminate boyfriend’s longwinded explanations of how watching Dance Moms provides a greater spiritual connection than grappling with her supple breasts. People get comfortable. Sometimes the thrill just isn’t there, but if this is the case in the first months of dating, the dude has a few Abercrombie clad skeletons in his closet. This is the period in the relationship when people carnally fuck each other’s brains out and call it true love. Coldplay should provide a solid soundtrack to a dull lifeless relationship where the two bond deeply over eating bon bons and catty gossip about the neighbors upstairs.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Gwyneth Paltrow Tightens Leash

By Matt September 24, 2014 @ 6:09 AM

Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow still has her husband pussy whipped even though he’s getting hotter younger celebrity photo hacked pussy. Anonymous sources, who would have to be Paltrow’s upstairs gimp given the intimate knowledge, claims Paltrow drew up a schedule for Chris Martin detailing when he is compelled to show up and mope around their former marital home. Paltrow wants to make sure her kids get plenty of normal family time with both of her parents and photographs of the two of them sharing in parenting work to show at their kids’ future minors emancipation trial. Paltrow’s current maternal duties include watching Sámi caretakers on Skype administering wheat grass IVs to her children and trying to find pictures of the kids where they don’t look like sickly demonic toe-heads. Martin hasn’t completely lost his zeal for submissive punishment so he’ll likely keep to his prescribed visitation schedule. Though at some point he is going to start bringing Jennifer Lawrence around with him. This despite the double asterisk note at the bottom of the Goop emails insisting he never bring his cheap blonde whore or he’ll be put in the punishment chair.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Holy Shit, Chris Martin Fed His Kids Fast Food

By Travis May 23, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Chris Martin is probably just being nice

Knowing Gwyneth Paltrow’s reputation as a holier than thou and better than everyone ego freak, who wouldn’t dare eat anything that wasn’t prepared by the purified hands of a virgin chef, the idea of Chris Martin letting their kids eat at a fast food restaurant is fucking wonderful. InTouch claims to have spotted the future ex-Mr. Paltrow letting his kids shovel “handfuls of fries into their mouths” at a Reddi Chick in Santa Monica “like they’d never eaten anything so good in their lives.” So obviously Gwyneth found out and is now trying to not only get every child services agency in the world to make sure that her kids never see their father again, but she’s also forcing the world’s greatest scientists to flush their systems at gunpoint, because there’s no way she’ll let Apple and Moses absorb a calorie like common upper or middle class American street trash.

Photo Credit: Getty

Chris Martin Blames Himself, I Think

By Lex April 29, 2014 @ 2:46 PM

Chris Martin has decided to fall on the Unconscious Coupling sword and take the blame for the split between himself and his yoga succubus life partner. Chris did an interview with BBC One to promote his latest compendium of emotionally draining hits, Ghost Stories. The host mostly asked about Gwyneth and the divorce. So Chris spouted a bit of mindless mumbo jumbo about his personal failings then employed some non sequitur logical link back to Ghost Stories.

About two years ago I was a mess really because I can’t enjoy the thing that we are good at and I can’t enjoy the great things around me because I’m burdened by this. I’ve got to not blame anyone else and make some changes.’

Nice use of impersonal pronouns, Gay Beethoven. Could you be a bit more trite. Oh, yes, you can.

If you can’t open yourself up, you can’t appreciate the wonder inside. So you can be with someone very wonderful, but because of your own issues you cannot let that be celebrated in the right way.

It’s hard tot believe people pay to listen to this meandering personal empowerment breakout session set to simple melodies. It’s not that people shouldn’t have the right to listen to Coldplay, it’s just that the rest of us should have the right to punch them in their left testicle when they do.

If you don’t let love really in then you can’t really give it back. So what Ghost Story means to me is like you’ve got to open yourself up to love and if you really do, of course it will be painful at times, but then it will be great at some point.

Yes, I see. How about I buy a dozen copies of your album if you promise not to speak aloud until 2020. Chris Martin went on in his interview to praise Kanye, just to be super clear that Gwyneth wasn’t the only insufferable bitch in this marriage. We ought now gather in the Hague to discuss shooting their offspring into a lunar orbit confinement before they come of age and haunt this planet with the double barreled sullen genetics of Paltrow and Martin. The Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Yeah, I got more.

Chris Martin Swears He Didn’t Cheat On Gwyneth

By Travis April 08, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

It seems like Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow had a pretty open marriage, at least based on the way they were barely ever seen together, and there were constantly rumors that one was “cheating” on the other in public with equally famous people. And yet they still deny those rumors even after they’ve “uncoupled,” as Page Six reported the other day that Martin had cheated on Paltrow in 2011 with a woman who was either an assistant at Saturday Night Live or the member of someone’s entourage. Regardless of how insignificant she is, Martin’s spokesman, Murray Chalmers, called the accusation “completely untrue” and added, “We totally deny it.” He’s obviously telling the truth, because there’s no way we’d ever buy that Chris would cheat on Gwyneth with a woman.

Photo Credit: Getty

Gwyneth Paltrow Struggled Quietly, In Between the Lies

By Lex April 02, 2014 @ 4:54 PM

Gwyneth Paltrow Goes Braless In A Jacket For A Hugo Boss Shoot In Century City

According to numerous publicists posing as anonymous insiders for crappy gossip magazines, Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage to Gay Beethoven was on the rocks for years. Apparently, she didn’t give a twang who he nailed on the side or the fact he never attended any of her fame whore sucking events, though she did frequently mock the food he ate and ridiculed he dressed. I understand why the Coldplay frontman wanted to anger management a couple babies into Gywneth Paltrow. There but for the grace of God go the rest of us who stupidly dream of taming the shrew. But why would he stick around for ten more years of Gywneth flashing by in designer fashions and ripping on him for eating non macrobiotic. I guess it’s the kids or the high cost of Conscious Uncoupling or just the fact that Gwyneth let him bang her doppelgänger Kate Bosworth and would even change the organic potpourri scents in the bedroom between her visits. Much of these new broken marriage revelations shed light on why Gwyneth panicked so hard when Vanity Fair set out to do an expose on her. That story she later squelched along with Graydon Carter’s sensitive sac between her tapioca encrusted tentacles. There’s got to be tons of shit there beyond just her banging Elle Macpherson’s current amateur helicopter piloting husband. Murder? Money laundering? Or just the hellish daily drip of sustained bitchery that lead men to pray for an early grave. I don’t envy the people tasked with digging into Gwyneth’s dirty laundry. Most will end up with weird skin blistering ailments like the men who went in search of Tutankhamun’s burial treasures. But somebody’s got to get to the bottom of the more malevolent shit. You don’t just defeat your enemies and call it a day. You need your Nuremberg hangings.