Danica Patrick has been posting a ton of bikini pics on Instagram instead of practicing her driving. She is widely considered the worst driver on the NASCAR circuit and by far the most fuckable, although that honor would go to whatever token female corporate wants to stunt cast. For example, if Paris Hilton was a race car driver she’d be the hottest one. And she’s disgusting. Patrick is curiously one of the highest earners in the sport because nobody wants to see Dale Earnhardt’s ass crack outside of the guys wearing hats with his name on it. Yoga definitely helps in NASCAR training but not as much as smoking a pack of Marb Reds or having a wealthy father. She’s going to transition well into signing autographs at off the strip casinos. She sucks at her job but those babies are real. Fuck a restrictor plate we’re going balls out tonight.
Danica Patrick posted a bunch of photos of herself working out with some awesome Max Headroom style effects. It’s a tough gig being granted a job as part of a company’s transparent public relations stunt solely because you’re an enormously under qualified attractive woman and then constantly granting interviews where you claim you just want to be one of the guys while doing as many nude photo shoots as possible in thongbacks. The solution to this hypocritical predicament is apparently just to turn into a dude. Be careful, literally your only advantage in NASCAR is you weigh less than the other drivers. Beyond that you’re widely considered the worst driver in the sport including the guy in the pace car and ambulance. It could be because women naturally have slower reaction times than men and lack as much body strength per pound. Or maybe you just suck at it. Keep working on those guns. Pro wrestling is right around the corner. They don’t pretend the chicks can beat up the dudes. Apply within.
Danica Patrick was caught on camera giving it to fellow driver Denny Hamlin, who hit her car and caused her to spin off the track at Daytona. The stale exchange reeked of reality television and had all the sincerity of a late wedding invitation. This is typically the case when two supposedly angry people have a back and forth conversation in front of a dozen cameras without dropping any F bombs. Patrick apparently wants to cruise around peacefully as an under-qualified marketing ploy and doesn’t like when other drivers get next to her car. These assholes don’t understand it’s her birth right to drive a highly coveted vehicle around in circles. Her position has nothing to do with her willingness to strap on a thong for sponsors. She’s the best person for the job not counting the guys who were better. That stereotype of women not being able to drive should be put to bed. They can drive. Just not as well.
Richard Petty stoked the flames of NASCAR gender bias when he said that the only way Danica Patrick could win a NASCAR car race is if every other driver stayed home. An ouchie comedic clam from the King of stock car racing. Petty defended his comment by stating that it had nothing to do with Danica being a woman so much as the fact that she drives like a woman. Also, she’s never won anything in NASCAR, so he has track record is on his side. Danica answered Petty in the Daytona 500 over the weekend by not finishing. Then she answered again by pointing out that a candid of herself showing off her nipple in the mirror was pretty fucking awesome and that a million Twitter followers never shared a Richard Petty topless selfie. I’m pretty sure Danica won that round. You simply can’t outrace tits.