Shocking news out of Hollywood this afternoon, namely that the ratings for last nights Golden Globe Awards hit an all time low.  Looks like some high-class hookers are gonna get punched out tonight, even more so than normal.  THR says…

The 66th annual Globes averaged 14.6 million viewers across its three hours on NBC, earning a 4.8 rating among adults 18-49 and an 11 share.
That’s down 26% in the adult demographic compared with two years ago and marks the lowest-rated Globes since NBC took over the telecast in 1996.

Now is the part where people in the press say the problem must be that most people haven’t seen the movies nominated, what with this economy and all, and the stars aren't well known, and also football ran late and also Kelly was being a real bitch, did you hear what she said about Jill, she’s not watching anything with her.  I have an alternate theory.  It goes like this: people fucking hate you.  They hate actors and all their stupid GD award shows.  Just say the words on the page, monkey.  Then take your millions and STFU.

Last night was the best Golden Globes ever.  Short and to the point.  No pretentious acceptance speeches with actors pretending to charmingly fumble through rehearsed lines and thanking people no one has ever heard of.  You idiots realize this is being televised right?  This isn’t your own personal broadcast.  The winners are:

Best Motion Picture Drama: "Atonement".  Unquestionably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  NOTHING EVEN HAPPENS!  It's like watching an aquarium for two hours.

Best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical: "Sweeney Todd".  I didn’t see this one but it beat "Hairspray" so it must have been good.

Best Actress in a Movie Drama: Julie Christie, "Away From Her".  I knew a girl named Julie in high school.  She did anal. 

Best Actor in a Movie Drama: Daniel Day-Lewis, "There Will Be Blood".  This movie is awesome but all the pretentious art house fags like it too and won't shut up about it.  Kinda ruins it.

Best Actress in a Movie Comedy or Musical: Marion Cotillard, "La Vie En Rose".  I've never heard of this person or movie.  They might not even be real.

Best Actor in a Movie Comedy or Musical: Johnny Depp, "Sweeney Todd".  I have a friend who saw Depp in his car one time.  True story!

Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett, "I'm Not There".  This bitch is annoying.  Apparently the Hollywood Foreign Press chooses winners by selecting random names out of a hat.

Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem, "No Country for Old Men".  Supporting actors are sometimes only in movies for like 5 minutes.  And they get awards.  Apparently it's incredibly hard to find an actor who can say 10 lines of dialogue without completely fucking it up. 

Best Director: Julian Schnabel, "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly".  "Julian Schnabel" is an embarrassingly fruity name. 

Best Animated Film: "Ratatouille".  More like Rata-awesome!

Best Foreign Language Film: "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly".  Wait, this movie is French?  No wonder it sounds so fruity.  The diving bell and the what?  WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!  Make some sense you idiot!

TV Drama Series: "Mad Men".  Because they're ad men.  They work in advertising.  Get it?

TV Drama Series Actress: Glenn Close, "Damages".  She's like 90 now and still no one can beat her at these award shows.   Has any girl learned to act since 1974?

TV Drama Series Actor: Jon Hamm, "Mad Men".  Now that’s a manly name.  Sounds like an offensive lineman for Nebraska.  Take note you pussies in France!

TV Comedy Series: "Extras".  The one with Harry Potter was awesome (link).  Gervais can stand there doing nothing and still be funny.  He’s like Bill Murray, except he spells his name differently.

TV Comedy Series Actress: Tina Fey, "30 Rock".  She's so annoying and unfunny, I partially blame her for 9/11.

TV Comedy Series Actor: David Duchovny, "Californication".  He beat Gervais?  Fuck you Golden Globes.