Jennifer Lopez has major bank from her entertainment career. She also owns a sugar plantation with seventy-three black Caribbean slaves you don’t hear her talk about unless she’s wasted. She’s got a gay boyfriend who agrees to use the deep voice when frothing her through the sheets. Even with a brand new TV cop show, she’s launched an in-residency show at Planet Hollywood in Vegas.
Lopez is forty-six and never could sing, but she’s a good dancer and has an ass that makes Puerto Rican prostitutes half her age mutter to themselves. Throw in elaborate costumes and guest appearance by Ja Rule and collect your $30 million. That’s a lot of money for you and me. It won’t change Jennifer’s life one bit. Why not pull back and get to know your kids. Take them to special doctors to get that Marc Anthony blood out of them before they grow emaciated illegal immigrant staches. Somebody has to pay for nobody taking Lopez’ dreams seriously as s kid. That somebody are new money Chinese at $500 a ticket.
B-list actresses come out with latter day questionable lesbian credentials, the A-listers get United Nations ambassadorships for generally uplifting and vague sounding causes. Jennifer Lopez scored the coveted Advocate for Women and Girls title previously held by nobody since it was made up right before Lopez agreed to show up in a gown at the U.N. forum on gender equality at the Four Seasons.
Jennifer Lopez decided that gender equality is paramount now that she has both a son and a daughter who she wants to grow up to experience equal opportunity with just $150 million trust funds in their pockets. She dreams of a world where her son can cry like a girl without being labeled a gay backup dancer like her boyfriend.
As an artist, I strive to inspire so people can aspire to do bigger and better things with their lives. And for me, women should have all of those opportunities and should aspire to be the president of the United States … it could happen soon!
From your lips to Hillary Clinton’s ears, J-Lo. The singer was inspired by Viola Davis’ Emmy speech promoting the roles of women in entertainment even though it was clearly just about black women and Davis later reiterated that greasy Spics were on their own.
Women can find their voices in smaller ways, too. At her concerts, she [Lopez] particularly enjoys hearing women screaming. She feels as if she is unleashing their power — particularly in cultures where women’s voices are muted.
This is all about the right of women to scream at Jennifer Lopez lip-synching and shaking her ass on stage? Why didn’t you say so. I favor that. I think all men do. Your work here is done, Jennifer. They shall sings songs of you in the halls of Valhalla and wherever U.N. officials are banging whores. The Four Seasons I guess this weekend. Return to your civilian life and make your beautiful music. Your boyfriend gets three more tranny prostitution convictions expunged under diplomatic immunity.
The Internet is all in a tizzy after Jennifer Lopez was caught texting during Mariah Carey’s performance at the Billboard Music Awards. The more appropriate celebrity response is to pretend you’re watching raptly while imaging Mariah dead and you singing at her funeral to heaps of praise.
Women with money should be able to do whatever they fuck they please just like men with money and government officials. Jennifer Lopez is going to marry her gay backup dancer in what is being reported by people who have no idea whatsoever as a multimillion dollar affair in December. Lopez had broken up with Casper Smart earlier this year because he had been dirty texting trannies. Lopez later forgave him realizing that this was simply the natural habit of young men who suckle cock like it’s candy.
Lopez’ public relations team has begun leaking stories about how much her twin six year olds love Smart and how he makes them pancakes and reads them bed time stories. According to these same anonymous sources on retainer, Jennifer asked her twins if they’d like Casper to be their new daddy and they screamed “Yes!”. Then the kids asked Lopez who she was and Jennifer had the nannies take them away because children can say the meanest things.
Who will be the next Ford Coke Tampax American Idol? I don’t know. The most important thing is that we as a nation accept the decision and quickly ignore the winner. If they’re not penniless and ruined as a person within four years time, we haven’t done our jobs. Jennifer Lopez legs do look nice for forty-five. That has to be something of a solace to the future loser winner.
At a certain point you can squat down and take a shit in front of an intern for the Post and it will be deemed relatable. This is the situation Jennifer Lopez finds herself in. She mumbled some fantastically uninteresting information and had it printed in bold because she has good mammaries:
“I’m still Bronxy. I still wear hoops. I still like to rock sneakers and sweats. I always felt like I was out of place in Hollywood. But I also felt that the street smarts I had from growing up in New York served me well out here.”
Or would serve you well if out here wasn’t just a town full of displaced New Yorkers. You can’t go a block in Hollywood without somebody complaining about how the pizza isn’t like back home because it’s not made with the blood of Howard Beach race war victims. While Lopez’ choice of pants remains fascinating I’m not sure she’s worth the baggage at this point. Those Guatemalan chicks are happy to have close toed shoes and still think ceramic plates are fancy. Fuck this shit. Unless the prenup talks are canceled, I refuse to be her next gay husband.