Jennifer Lopez Ass Is Concerning

By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

Jennifer Lopez Booty In Spandex While Visiting A Music Studio In LA
The American Music are the Grammy Awards for people under fifty who like shitty music. The AMA’s have always separated themselves by showing more young pop stars doing more ass grinding than the Grammy’s though less than the VMAs which is porn with auto-tune. TMZ reports the AMA’s are concerned that Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea might do something overly provocative during their performance of the classic music piece, Booty. The video is pretty  shocking if you haven’t watched any pop or rap videos of the past decade. Iggy Azalea quickly allayed everybody’s fears that the show might actually be worth watching:

‘We haven’t been asked to make any changes and there are no plans to expose anyones nipples or vaginas… but.. okay tmz if you say sooooo. With that being said, we aren’t performing in turtleneck sweaters either…. hahahahaha ;-).’

Thanks educationally challenged fifth grade girl. What about those of us who love chicks in turtlenecks? I’m now confident I can skip the AMA’s and not feel like I missed the lunar landing because I was masturbating to Bonanza. I’m happy to wait for your sex tape.

Photo Credit: Splash/FameFlynet

Jennifer Lopez Breasts Doing Well

By Lex November 04, 2014 @ 12:38 PM

Jennifer Lopez Wears Plunging Dress At LACMA In LA
Jennifer Lopez’s breasts seem to have recovered from her long term relationship with her gay male backup dancer. When I think of all those things her tits didn’t go through while hooked up with a man who loved to shop for shoes, it’s almost abusive. Whoever she’s paying to keep those things looking picture perfect, it’s not enough. Even if it’s a Black Forest witch who drains the blood of children to cauldron up immortal tits for Jennifer, I’d say send more kids picnicking into the forest. We can easily make more children. Forty-something moms with perfect bodies don’t just come around by getting drunk and grunting five times with your pants down.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Jennifer Lopez And Iggy Azalea Unleash Booty (VIDEO)

By Lex September 19, 2014 @ 1:02 PM

IggyAzalea And J Lo Booty
The Booty music video breaks new ground by doing nothing other than showing Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea twerking their oiled down asses while some auto-tuned sound maker repeats the word booty. It’s actually kind of genius. Pretending pop stars can sing has always been a major boner kill. It’s like pretending your CES hooker cares about your new streaming music player. Enjoying these pop stars more simply as ass-fat injected sex objects designed almost entirely for smoking cigarettes seductively and fucking, that’s so much simpler. Booty eliminates any obligation to shake your head to the music, pretend you know any words, or ignore the fact that Jennifer Lopez is tone deaf. It’s just a little ditty about using your big shitter to please your man. I see this is as progress. When Lopez and Azalea complete the Booty trilogy with Spank and Finger Rape, this entire opus will come fully into perspective.

J. Lo and Iggy Azalea Are Ass Pleased (VIDEO)

By Lex September 05, 2014 @ 2:55 PM

JLo Booty Music Video Teaser
Throw up your hands if you love a big booty. 

Oh, fuck yeah. I want to pound that ass until the lipo-injected fat cap explodes into a Burger King used grease trap of rainbow fucking delicious. At this point, the pop stars with the big fake asses are just singing songs about big fake asses. Sort of like Marvin Gaye sang about the black experience and Morrissey croons about being a self-indulgent pansy who cries every time a farmer pulls a carrot from the ground anywhere on earth. An artist speaks from their experience. Jennifer Lopez was one of the early winners in the chicks with nice asses who were transformed into tuned-up mega-music stars. Iggy Azalea is the latest. Without 1,000 cc’s of human butter churning in her dumper, Iggy would be dispensing change at a Melbourne area laundry mat. I think they call them kangaroo wallaby shacks or something quaint down in Australia. The two have come together for the dulcet Booty, which has been teased in photos, single covers, and now a trailer sizzle, before at some point the entire steaming musical pile is shat out of the Payola rectum and becomes a hit.

I don’t begrudge a woman making a career off her booty. Fuck, I’d take that paycheck in a second if my gender and ass could be Frankensteined accordingly. Maybe though lay a bit lower on the songs specifically about your humped up body parts. Karma is an imprecise bitch. No innocents should have to come back as sea conchs because you lack irony.

Photo Credit: Youtube

Jennifer Lopez Shows Off Her Booty Performing Onstage On Good Morning America

By Lex June 20, 2014 @ 1:25 PM

Jennifer Lopez Shows Off Her Booty Performing Onstage On Good Morning America

Photo Credit: Getty

Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull Get Stuck (VIDEO)

By Lex June 12, 2014 @ 8:00 PM

I hate to think that Putin won at anything, but, damn, that Sochi opening ceremony spectacular made Communism look amazing. Brazil has spent eleven billion on the World Cup, but most of that went to buy ring pops for the City of God gangsters for their promise to reduce tourist kidnappings by sixty-percent in June. The opening ceremonies today looked like the kids decided to put on a play to save Mrs. Beasley’s civic garden from being rolled. I’m pretty sure they just picked up a truckload of vendors selling kebabs down by the beach, slapped a leftover Mardi Gras costume on them, and told them to dance like Amy Grant. Then the showstoppers came. Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull. Nothing says Brazilian pride like a a Puerto Rican and a Cuban getting stuck on a rising stage platform that jams right out of the box. I hope somebody kept their Amazon return label.

Ultimately, the World Cup is about sport. Just like Sochi, shoddy infastrcture, crappy field conditions, and Johnny Weir dressed like Anderson Cooper’s mom couldn’t take away from the majesty of the competition. Soccer fans could give a rat’s ass if a couple stadium sections collapse and tens of thousands perish. You riot, kill a few government officials, and you move on. The Olympics are just two years away and there’s lots more ring pops to buy.