J-Lo Relates

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

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At a certain point you can squat down and take a shit in front of an intern for the Post and it will be deemed relatable. This is the situation Jennifer Lopez finds herself in. She mumbled some fantastically uninteresting information and had it printed in bold because she has good mammaries:

“I’m still Bronxy. I still wear hoops. I still like to rock sneakers and sweats. I always felt like I was out of place in Hollywood. But I also felt that the street smarts I had from growing up in New York served me well out here.”

Or would serve you well if out here wasn’t just a town full of displaced New Yorkers. You can’t go a block in Hollywood without somebody complaining about how the pizza isn’t like back home because it’s not made with the blood of Howard Beach race war victims. While Lopez’ choice of pants remains fascinating I’m not sure she’s worth the baggage at this point. Those Guatemalan chicks are happy to have close toed shoes and still think ceramic plates are fancy. Fuck this shit. Unless the prenup talks are canceled, I refuse to be her next gay husband.

Photo Credit: Facebook 

 

Jeremy Renner Is A Pimp And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 12, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Jeremy Renner used his two minutes as a presenter at the Golden Globes to come on to Jennifer Lopez. It’s pretty fucking smooth. You shouldn’t hit on a woman just because her tits are hanging out of her dress, you should also imagine you’d like her smile.

This is how you compliment a lady on her knockers. (Dlisted)

Alexis Ren heats up Instagram in a series of hot pics. (Egotastic)

George Zimmerman arrested after flinging a bottle at his girlfriends because he’s a fucking psycho. (TMZ)

Lena Dunham shows off her pasty lumps before the Golden Globes. (Huffington Post)

Miley Cyrus dresses like slutty herpes-ridden Elvis. (Drunken Stepfather)

Hailey Clauson in a bikini will make you smile in your pants. (Popoholic)

Nikki Lund goes surfing in a tiny bikini. (The Superficial)

Jennifer Lopez Tits Also Were Pretty Perfect

By Lex December 19, 2014 @ 12:37 PM

Jennifer Lopez Wears A Plunging Dress At The People Magazine Awards In Beverly Hills
I hope the Wizard at the People Magazine awards had something in his bag for Jennifer. Her tits deserved something after two kids. I don’t care if the wet nurse did all the heavy lifting. Give J-Lo an obelisk or a Hardee’s gift certificate or something. When People Magazine honors you, it means that your public relations agency and their sales staff spent many hours coming to some mutually beneficial arrangement. That’s hard work that deserves a complimentery role of the magical tape wardrobe assistants ues to make those tits look picture perfect at forty-five

Photo Credit: INF/Splash

Nobody Wore Bras to the American Music Awards

By Lex November 24, 2014 @ 9:48 AM

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Teens, old chicks, strange foreign chicks with pasties who nobody remembers inviting. All the girls went braless last night at the American Music Awards. After watching two minutes of sunken eyed anorexics talking fashion on E!, I discovered braless is a new style trend. I suppose it’s better than tiny hats. The Jenner girls don’t belong at a music awards show, but you ditch the bra and you’re on every short list, including the Cosby mentor program speed dial.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Jennifer Lopez Ass Is Concerning

By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 12:14 PM

Jennifer Lopez Booty In Spandex While Visiting A Music Studio In LA
The American Music are the Grammy Awards for people under fifty who like shitty music. The AMA’s have always separated themselves by showing more young pop stars doing more ass grinding than the Grammy’s though less than the VMAs which is porn with auto-tune. TMZ reports the AMA’s are concerned that Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea might do something overly provocative during their performance of the classic music piece, Booty. The video is pretty  shocking if you haven’t watched any pop or rap videos of the past decade. Iggy Azalea quickly allayed everybody’s fears that the show might actually be worth watching:

‘We haven’t been asked to make any changes and there are no plans to expose anyones nipples or vaginas… but.. okay tmz if you say sooooo. With that being said, we aren’t performing in turtleneck sweaters either…. hahahahaha ;-).’

Thanks educationally challenged fifth grade girl. What about those of us who love chicks in turtlenecks? I’m now confident I can skip the AMA’s and not feel like I missed the lunar landing because I was masturbating to Bonanza. I’m happy to wait for your sex tape.

Photo Credit: Splash/FameFlynet

Jennifer Lopez Breasts Doing Well

By Lex November 04, 2014 @ 12:38 PM

Jennifer Lopez Wears Plunging Dress At LACMA In LA
Jennifer Lopez’s breasts seem to have recovered from her long term relationship with her gay male backup dancer. When I think of all those things her tits didn’t go through while hooked up with a man who loved to shop for shoes, it’s almost abusive. Whoever she’s paying to keep those things looking picture perfect, it’s not enough. Even if it’s a Black Forest witch who drains the blood of children to cauldron up immortal tits for Jennifer, I’d say send more kids picnicking into the forest. We can easily make more children. Forty-something moms with perfect bodies don’t just come around by getting drunk and grunting five times with your pants down.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI