By Lex September 28, 2015 @ 8:02 AM
B-list actresses come out with latter day questionable lesbian credentials, the A-listers get United Nations ambassadorships for generally uplifting and vague sounding causes. Jennifer Lopez scored the coveted Advocate for Women and Girls title previously held by nobody since it was made up right before Lopez agreed to show up in a gown at the U.N. forum on gender equality at the Four Seasons.
Jennifer Lopez decided that gender equality is paramount now that she has both a son and a daughter who she wants to grow up to experience equal opportunity with just $150 million trust funds in their pockets. She dreams of a world where her son can cry like a girl without being labeled a gay backup dancer like her boyfriend.
As an artist, I strive to inspire so people can aspire to do bigger and better things with their lives. And for me, women should have all of those opportunities and should aspire to be the president of the United States … it could happen soon!
From your lips to Hillary Clinton’s ears, J-Lo. The singer was inspired by Viola Davis’ Emmy speech promoting the roles of women in entertainment even though it was clearly just about black women and Davis later reiterated that greasy Spics were on their own.
Women can find their voices in smaller ways, too. At her concerts, she [Lopez] particularly enjoys hearing women screaming. She feels as if she is unleashing their power — particularly in cultures where women’s voices are muted.
This is all about the right of women to scream at Jennifer Lopez lip-synching and shaking her ass on stage? Why didn’t you say so. I favor that. I think all men do. Your work here is done, Jennifer. They shall sings songs of you in the halls of Valhalla and wherever U.N. officials are banging whores. The Four Seasons I guess this weekend. Return to your civilian life and make your beautiful music. Your boyfriend gets three more tranny prostitution convictions expunged under diplomatic immunity.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Jack May 19, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
The Internet is all in a tizzy after Jennifer Lopez was caught texting during Mariah Carey’s performance at the Billboard Music Awards. The more appropriate celebrity response is to pretend you’re watching raptly while imaging Mariah dead and you singing at her funeral to heaps of praise.
See the incriminating photo. (TMZ)
Holly Graves will capture your hearts with some amazing sideboob and thong shots. (Egotastic)
Tamara Ecclestone unleashes her nips on the beach. (Drunken Stepfather)
Watch the Joker smack down Harley Quinn in this leaked Suicide Squad footage. (Huffington Post)
Let’s pretend it’s the 90′s and check out Kate Beckinsale’s ass. (Popoholic)
Hot girls tugging on their clothes to reveal what’s underneath. (The Chive)
Emma Stone grew up to be highly bangable. (COED)
By Lex April 30, 2015 @ 8:59 AM
Women with money should be able to do whatever they fuck they please just like men with money and government officials. Jennifer Lopez is going to marry her gay backup dancer in what is being reported by people who have no idea whatsoever as a multimillion dollar affair in December. Lopez had broken up with Casper Smart earlier this year because he had been dirty texting trannies. Lopez later forgave him realizing that this was simply the natural habit of young men who suckle cock like it’s candy.
Lopez’ public relations team has begun leaking stories about how much her twin six year olds love Smart and how he makes them pancakes and reads them bed time stories. According to these same anonymous sources on retainer, Jennifer asked her twins if they’d like Casper to be their new daddy and they screamed “Yes!”. Then the kids asked Lopez who she was and Jennifer had the nannies take them away because children can say the meanest things.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty
By Lex March 12, 2015 @ 9:06 AM
Who will be the next Ford Coke Tampax American Idol? I don’t know. The most important thing is that we as a nation accept the decision and quickly ignore the winner. If they’re not penniless and ruined as a person within four years time, we haven’t done our jobs. Jennifer Lopez legs do look nice for forty-five. That has to be something of a solace to the future loser winner.
Photo Credit: INF
By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
At a certain point you can squat down and take a shit in front of an intern for the Post and it will be deemed relatable. This is the situation Jennifer Lopez finds herself in. She mumbled some fantastically uninteresting information and had it printed in bold because she has good mammaries:
“I’m still Bronxy. I still wear hoops. I still like to rock sneakers and sweats. I always felt like I was out of place in Hollywood. But I also felt that the street smarts I had from growing up in New York served me well out here.”
Or would serve you well if out here wasn’t just a town full of displaced New Yorkers. You can’t go a block in Hollywood without somebody complaining about how the pizza isn’t like back home because it’s not made with the blood of Howard Beach race war victims. While Lopez’ choice of pants remains fascinating I’m not sure she’s worth the baggage at this point. Those Guatemalan chicks are happy to have close toed shoes and still think ceramic plates are fancy. Fuck this shit. Unless the prenup talks are canceled, I refuse to be her next gay husband.
Photo Credit: Facebook
By Jack January 12, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Jeremy Renner used his two minutes as a presenter at the Golden Globes to come on to Jennifer Lopez. It’s pretty fucking smooth. You shouldn’t hit on a woman just because her tits are hanging out of her dress, you should also imagine you’d like her smile.
This is how you compliment a lady on her knockers. (Dlisted)
Alexis Ren heats up Instagram in a series of hot pics. (Egotastic)
George Zimmerman arrested after flinging a bottle at his girlfriends because he’s a fucking psycho. (TMZ)
Lena Dunham shows off her pasty lumps before the Golden Globes. (Huffington Post)
Miley Cyrus dresses like slutty herpes-ridden Elvis. (Drunken Stepfather)
Hailey Clauson in a bikini will make you smile in your pants. (Popoholic)
Nikki Lund goes surfing in a tiny bikini. (The Superficial)