Jon Gosselin is now waiting tables to try to pay the rent on his crappy cottage in the woods. It’s his rundown fortress of solitude where he’s hiding from his horrid ex-wife and bill collectors. But he’s happy. Because even a big dick like Jon Gosselin is still a man, and men find peace in the simple life. Anybody who thinks that fame and fortune will somehow serve as earplugs for eight screaming kids and shrewish wife is sadly mistaken. Yes, that’s a sermon.
Kate Gosselin is suing her ex-husband Jon because she wants money. I ran it through my pea-sized brain why else it could be, but, no, it’s just money. Whatever that dipshit has left from paying child support for eight kids, she wants it. So about two cents. She claims Jon hacked into her computer and email and bank accounts to get information for a tell-all book he had written about her a year ago that nobody bought. Because until one of them murders the other or one of the kids wipes them both out in their sleep for making the nice cameramen go away, their media tale is over. Naturally, hacking into other people’s bank accounts is a Federal offense punishable by your heinous ex-wife suing you for money.
Photo Credit: Getty, WENN
JON GOSSELIN - has a tiny penis, according to his ex girlfriend, Halley Glassman. “He’s hung like a nine-year-old boy. It’s so tiny, tiny, tiny. (I) would laugh about it with my mom.” Jon Gosselin had no comment, the beginning of 6 months without mentioning her, so that when she ends up dead he won’t look like a suspect. (us.com)
ANGELINA JOLIE - paid $20,000 for a 200-year-old olive tree to give to Brad Pitt for Valentines Day, because it’s a sign of peace and longevity. That may sound like a lot, and you can pay 15 grand for an olive tree, but only if you want a complete piece of shit. (wonder wall)
JOHN MAYER - stopped his concert last night to give a tear-soaked apology for some of the things he said in his Playboy interview. Crying in public like this should only strengthen his fan base in the hood. (foundry)
LADY GAGA - may lose some of her goofy outfits because her favorite designer, Alexander McQueen, was found dead today of an apparent suicide. Actually he hung himself, so I don’t know why its’ being called an “apparent suicide”. He either killed himself or he really sucks at making rope swings. (pop eater)
FINALLY, PART 2 - After days of crappy lo-res SI Swimsuit Issue pictures, finally some decent scans have shown up online. Unfortunately, other than Brooklyn Decker, the models this year kind of suck, so this is a real mixed blessing. (si.com)
Radar Online somehow got their hands on a picture of Jon Gosselins New York apartment bedroom after it had been ransacked and someone stabbed a knife into a note and stuck it to his dresser.
Jon’s reps have said that ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman was responsible for the carnage and that she wrote the note. Her lawyer has denied it.
…stuffing from a shredded furniture item can be seen on the floor on the right side. Gosselin said that when he returned to his apartment clothing items and furniture were shredded with a knife. His team blames Hailey, who had just moved out after their breakup.
Until we know what the note says, it’s best not to rush to judgement. One time a girl broke up with me and when she moved out she left some things behind, like some clothes and some kitchen things, so I dressed a mannequin in her clothes and placed the biggest a knife in the mannequins chest to protect her from the blade, then included a note that said “YOU”. As in, “You left these things behind.” Oh, but according to Little Miss Perfect, I don’t drop clothes off right either.
If there’s no love in your heart this Christmas because you’ve been holding out for a single 34-year-old woman with 8 kids, zero jobs, and a terrible attitude, Us magazine has good news.
Jon and Kate Gosselin’s ten-year marriage is now history.
On Wednesday an arbitrator ruled how the former spouses would divide their real estate and other assets. While most of those details remain confidential, Kate’s attorney confirmed that the former reality mom “will continue to reside with all eight of her children in the former marital home” in Wernersville, Penn.
Kate noted, “I am very relieved that our divorce has been finalized, and I look forward to the New Year, focusing on our children” and “restructuring our lives.”
It’s so hard to believe that Jon is Asian. This is such specific white trash behavior, the Asians are way above this kind of thing, and the shame he’s brought to his family should have forced him to commit seppuku long ago, or whatever the Korean version is of that. The only thing about any of this that even seems a little bit Asian is the 8 kids. That’s 16 tiny hands to make shoes or whatever, and plenty to chose from if the government ever makes you throw all but 1 of them into the ocean.
NEW MOON – is already breaking records. The ‘Twilight’ sequel made $26.3M when it opened this morning at 12:01a.m. There were so many fat girls concentrated in so few spots, the mass pulled the moon 10 miles closer to America. If there’s a tidalwave, I’ll get you for this, Fatties. (variety)
JON GOSSELIN – entered into a secret business deal that is a clear violation of his TLC contract. This could be the, “smoking gun that will doom Jon in the breach of contract action brought against him by TLC”. To make this story even better, sharpie over all the words except “Jon Gosselin” and “smoking gun”. Ahhh. This is nice, isn’t it. (radar online)
DEMI MOORE – went on twitter yesterday to deny she was photoshopped for the cover of W magazine (this), despite the fact that her left hip doesn’t even remotely line up with her thigh. But one picture that is fake is the one claiming to be my senior portrait, with me playing the clarinet next to an iguana on a pedestal. That could really be anybody. At least anybody with a shirt saying “Brendon has Senior-itis”. (twitter)
MIRANDA KERR – was almost forgotten about. Because she’s kind of boring. But then I saw one of her pictures and was like, oh yeah, Miranda Kerr. That was a good story, wasn’t it. (source = splash and wenn)