TLC Is Giving Kate Gosselin More Money

By Travis March 19, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

TLC announced yesterday that at some point in June, it will air a one-time special featuring Kate Gosselin and her eight children to answer the biggest question on every asshole’s mind: “Why haven’t those poor children been taken away from their desperately attention-starved mother?” Or, as the network that once prided itself as educational put it, it’ll be a chance to catch up with Kate and her kids to see how life is going for them right now. The whole thing will be manipulative PR bullshit, obviously, because we just watched Kate’s 13-year old twins make her look like Cruella De Vil on live TV, and professional waiter Jon Gosselin has “written” a tell-all book about his side of the story, of which he said, “Kate will flip.”

If TLC wanted to do the right thing and make it up to the world for even introducing us to these assholes in the first place, they put the kids in a separate room, offer them each a new home and checks for their college educations, and then allow them to pick which island their parents should be dropped on with only one knife between them.

Photo Credit: Getty

Jon Gosselin Wants Custody Of His Sextuplets

By Travis January 23, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Now that Kate Gosselin is once again, at the very least, a temporary laughing stock after her two oldest daughters embarrassed her during their interview on Today, Jon Gosselin is finding that as many people as he can count on a hand kind of give a shit about what he thinks about it. Apparently he has known that his kids hate their mom all along – shocking, I know – and now he’s finally doing something, because InTouch reported that the former reality star and douchiest dad of the 00s is suing for primary custody of the sextuplets. “They live in fear of Kate,” he told the magazine, “Every time I see them, they tell me they want to live with me.”

That’s interesting because Jon lives in a shitty cabin with no TV or internet, so even if they do actually want to live with him, they’ll be begging Cruella de Vil to come pick them up within a week. Any child would deal with constant neglect and humiliation if it at least means getting HBO.

Photo Credit: TNYF/WENN.com

Jon Gosselin Is Still Stuck on His Horrible Wife

By Jack December 30, 2013 @ 4:03 PM

Jon Gosselin called his ex wife and fellow horrible person Kate Gosselin all kinds of yucky names. The two assholes rose to fame a few years ago when Kate bio-mechanically squeezed out a litter of eight pups like a suburban labrador retriever. The two starred in Jon and Kate + 8, which was a worse show than the one on the Health Channel that shows colonoscopies set to Peter, Paul, and Mary songs. The Gosselin couple later split in a very nasty divorce and Jon is now working as a waiter.who can’t seem to let his ex-wife quite go. Jon says of his former bride,

“Everyone thinks I’m out to get Kate. I don’t give a fuck! What would I get out of it? Everyone knows she’s an asshole, you know what I mean? I don’t have to — she’s proven that! Kate wants to still be on television. She’s now digging into the past, because that’s what sells. Too late, honey. No one gives a fuck, really.”

Well, nobody gives a fuck but you obviously. Once you stop talking about her constantly, Kate will disappear from consciousness, maybe even for real. She might actually just be a horrible figment of collective imaginations that only exists if we let her. She’s like Pennywise the Dancing Clown. Time for the losers to finally confront her in her most bone-chilling form.

Jon Gosselin Is a Happy Waiter

By Lex September 20, 2013 @ 11:26 AM

Jon Gosselin Waits Tables At Black Dog Restraunt In Pennsylvania In An ET Interview
Jon Gosselin is now waiting tables to try to pay the rent on his crappy cottage in the woods. It’s his rundown fortress of solitude where he’s hiding from his horrid ex-wife and bill collectors. But he’s happy. Because even a big dick like Jon Gosselin is still a man, and men find peace in the simple life. Anybody who thinks that fame and fortune will somehow serve as earplugs for eight screaming kids and shrewish wife is sadly mistaken. Yes, that’s a sermon.

Kate Gosselin Sues Jon Gosselin Because She Can

By Lex August 28, 2013 @ 9:29 AM

Kate Gosselin At A Zappos Marathon In Las Vegas
Kate Gosselin is suing her ex-husband Jon because she wants money. I ran it through my pea-sized brain why else it could be, but, no, it’s just money. Whatever that dipshit has left from paying child support for eight kids, she wants it. So about two cents. She claims Jon hacked into her computer and email and bank accounts to get information for a tell-all book he had written about her a year ago that nobody bought. Because until one of them murders the other or one of the kids wipes them both out in their sleep for making the nice cameramen go away, their media tale is over. Naturally, hacking into other people’s bank accounts is a Federal offense punishable by your heinous ex-wife suing you for money.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

thursday night headlines

By brendon February 11, 2010 @ 9:14 PM

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JON GOSSELIN - has a tiny penis, according to his ex girlfriend, Halley Glassman. “He’s hung like a nine-year-old boy. It’s so tiny, tiny, tiny. (I) would laugh about it with my mom.” Jon Gosselin had no comment, the beginning of 6 months without mentioning her, so that when she ends up dead he won’t look like a suspect. (us.com)

ANGELINA JOLIE - paid $20,000 for a 200-year-old olive tree to give to Brad Pitt for Valentines Day, because it’s a sign of peace and longevity. That may sound like a lot, and you can pay 15 grand for an olive tree, but only if you want a complete piece of shit. (wonder wall)

JOHN MAYER - stopped his concert last night to give a tear-soaked apology for some of the things he said in his Playboy interview. Crying in public like this should only strengthen his fan base in the hood. (foundry)

LADY GAGA - may lose some of her goofy outfits because her favorite designer, Alexander McQueen, was found dead today of an apparent suicide. Actually he hung himself, so I don’t know why its’ being called an “apparent suicide”. He either killed himself or he really sucks at making rope swings. (pop eater)

FINALLY, PART 2 - After days of crappy lo-res SI Swimsuit Issue pictures, finally some decent scans have shown up online. Unfortunately, other than Brooklyn Decker, the models this year kind of suck, so this is a real mixed blessing. (si.com)

FACEBOOK …. TWITTER …. A DONKEY IN A SANTA HAT