NEW MOON - is already breaking records. The ‘Twilight’ sequel made $26.3M when it opened this morning at 12:01a.m. There were so many fat girls concentrated in so few spots, the mass pulled the moon 10 miles closer to America. If there’s a tidalwave, I’ll get you for this, Fatties. (variety)
JON GOSSELIN - entered into a secret business deal that is a clear violation of his TLC contract. This could be the, “smoking gun that will doom Jon in the breach of contract action brought against him by TLC”. To make this story even better, sharpie over all the words except “Jon Gosselin” and “smoking gun”. Ahhh. This is nice, isn’t it. (radar online)
DEMI MOORE - went on twitter yesterday to deny she was photoshopped for the cover of W magazine (this), despite the fact that her left hip doesn’t even remotely line up with her thigh. But one picture that is fake is the one claiming to be my senior portrait, with me playing the clarinet next to an iguana on a pedestal. That could really be anybody. At least anybody with a shirt saying “Brendon has Senior-itis”. (twitter)
MIRANDA KERR - was almost forgotten about. Because she’s kind of boring. But then I saw one of her pictures and was like, oh yeah, Miranda Kerr. That was a good story, wasn’t it. (source = splash and wenn)
DAVID LETTERMAN - is now a woman. Or at least will be during the ‘Law and Order’ episode about a talk show host who gets blackmailed after having affairs with members of her staff. I know what you’re thinking. “Wow this post got surprisingly boring considering it started out by saying ‘David Letterman is now a woman.’” Yeah sorry about that. (e! online)
JON GOSSELIN - is so screwed. The law firm representing TLC in their breach of contract lawsuit against him have deposed his gf, his bodyguards, and even his former lawyers to find out if he was earning money from outside appearances. This moron is so done. TLC might as well coat him in honey and throw him in a bear cage too. (radar)
JAMES GANDOLFINI - punched a photographer trying to videotape him shopping in the West Village. And it would have hurt too, except that Gandolfini is a fat tub of shit and actors are all pussies. (huffington)
CHRIS BROWN - will run his comeback “Fan Appreciation” tour through a series of small and intimate venues, starting with the House of Blues in Houston next week. So far ticket sales have been steady. Because there’s nothing more steady than “zero”. (daily news)
DENISE MILANI - is here dressed as Wonder Woman because these headlines were all kind of boring. Her costume is a little different from the original, but she still has the golden lasso and the bulletproof bracelets. Know what else is bulletproof? My dick right now. (denisemilani.com)
On the fist of this month, Jon Gosselin and his Rent-A-Center lawyer had TLC by the balls. Jon wanted to expand on the ever desirous Jon Gosselin brand, and if TLC didn’t cave, he was gonna shut down ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8′. They tried to intimidate him, but he showed them who was boss, huh? Oh wait never mind. Radar says…
Jon Gosselin has been raking in cash for interviews and appearances and TLC knows what he’s made and where he’s made it.
…the network wants all that money plus damages in a court battle that has the strong possibility of leaving Jon flat broke.
TLC already knows Jon has been paid for media appearances and every penny will come out in the lawsuit. The paydays are in violation of his contract with the network, which has a clearly defined exclusivity clause.
That contract is valid until February 2010, even though the show is no longer filming.
TLC has an option to renew Jon’s contract once it expires, thereby keeping him from doing projects on any other network.
Jon’s negative public comments also violate his contact and the network is seeking punitive damages against him and Jon will also be on the hook for TLC’s attorney’s fees if the network wins in court.
Jon also has a morals clause in his contract. His boozing and behavior could also be dragged into the lawsuit.
The only way TLC could have owned Jon any more with this lawsuit is if they served him with it by rolling it up and shoving it up his ass.
KIM KARDASHIAN - will get paid 50 grand to have a birthday party (she turns 29 on Wednesday) at Tao inside the Venetian in Las Vegas. I sometimes stand outside of Tao and loudly complain on my cell phone about all the girls I’ve been having sex with. The “dude” I’m talking to gets it, because we’re friends, and we make jokes about it. He and the rest of “my boys” will be here shortly, so I’ll just hang out here until then. (ny post)
LINDSAY LOHAN - is due in court this morning at 9am to explain to the judge why she stopped going to her court ordered alcohol education classes. “Well I was pretty drunk, why are they so early?” seems a likely explanation. (tmz)
JON GOSSELIN - was sued this morning by TLC for stopping ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8′. They say his claims about protecting the kids are BS and all he cares about is money. There must be 2 “Jon Gosselins” because the one I know has nothing but integrity. (radar)
SELETA EBANKS - if a saw a guy go down on Seleta Ebanks, I’m not saying I would make out with immediately after if that was the closest I could get to doing the same, but I’m also not not saying that. (hq jump = here. source = mavrix online)
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN - Over 2000 people, people with no connection to each other, from different parts of the world, all claim to have seen this man in their dreams. I would have posted this sooner, but I was hiding under my desk in a puddle of urine and jabbing espresso into my heart. (thisman.org)
LINDSAY LOHAN - has to appear in court tomorrow because she’s apparently failing the alcohol education course she is ordered to attend as part of her probation. I could barely catch my breath when I heard the news, on account of being so surprised. (tmz)
LEONA LEWIS - was punched in the face yesterday, and today the 29yo man who did it has been charged with assault and placed in a mental-health ward. Hopefully one with pretty dresses, because Leona walked away from the incident. He couldn’t even punch out an unsuspecting woman. I would jam a bottle in my ass and break it off right now if I were him, because he’s gonna get annihilated once he gets to prison. (people)
JOHN AND KATE PLUS 8 - will go off the air in November because Jon Gosselin threw a hissy fit last month after TLC decided to film the show without him. This guy is a PR genius. He get’s more likable every day. (radar)
KATIE PRICE - If there’s something better than big tits, I am not aware of it. (hq jump. source = fame and inf daily)
Last week it came out that master criminal Jon Gosselin stole $230,000. His plan was brilliant in it’s simplicity. He went to the bank and took all the money he was supposed to share with his wife. Somehow, it’s still not clear how, he got caught and today he was ordered to return at least 180,000 of it. TMZ says…
According to Kate’s lawyer, Mark Momjian, “The remaining sum of $55,000, which Ms. Gosselin used for household bills and expenses relating to the children, will be subject to further determination by the arbitrator at a later date.”
Jon is required to repay the loot by October 26 — the next hearing — or appear before the judge for a contempt proceeding.
Kate says, “As difficult as this has been for me, I am pleased that the Court has ruled fairly on behalf of myself and my children. Now that this matter has been ruled on, I look forward to returning to private arbitration, as we have agreed to do, to resolve any remaining issues.”
Seriously. How did we get here? How did we get to a point where two people who are completely unlikable and who don’t actually do anything can parlay that into millions? Is this some evil alternate reality, where rock music is outlawed and Hitler is on the dollar bill.
