Prince William invited more than 200 guests to Windsor Castle last night for an event that celebrated the work of the Royal Marsden Hospital, and some of the more famous faces in attendance included Benedict Cumberbatch, Cara Delevingne and Cate Banchett. Supermodel Kate Moss was also there, and she got to speak with William as he made his rounds and pretended like a prince is still a real thing that people take seriously. Some people also think that Kate was actually flirting with William as she claimed that it was “Such a shame” that the Duchess of Cambridge stayed home to change the royal diapers, and she probably was. After all, there’s a huge difference between Prince William, the Duke of Cambridge, and Billy the balding British boy, so if an aging model wants to break up a marriage, this would be the one.
Apparently, Prince William has spent the last almost eight years as a full time soldier. Well, airman. I guess he was deep cover pretending to be a polo playing and ball-attending prince during his stint in the R.A.F. because I had no fucking clue the future king of England was even in the military.
“His Royal Highness The Duke of Cambridge is to leave operational service in the Armed Forces. He completes his Tour with the Royal Air Force Search and Rescue Force at RAF Valley, Anglesey, after more than seven-and-a-half years of full-time military service.” — statement from Kensington Palace.
Yep, see, right there. The Palace said so. They could’ve said he was an astronaut or a baker of magic pies and I guess I’d be no more confounded. The same statement when on to suggest the Prince’s future career moves:
“William will expand his work in the field of conservation, particularly in respect of endangered species.”
I guess he’s going to wrangle poachers or protect the gnus of sub-Saharan Africa or other things that can be done by telling your butler to make it so. I don’t mind that they’re making shit up for the Prince so he looks like a servant of important causes. But England’s kings were much cooler in the old days when they didn’t feel a need for a job description beyond ‘vanquishing the French and befouling their women’.
The nursery of the future king of England will have an Africa theme, because of course. You know Africa, that continent his family brutally subjugated up until a few decades ago. Apparently his dad, prince receding hairline, just loooooves Africa. It’s so, like, quaint and stuff with their crushing poverty and AIDS epidemic. Poverty, btw, that is largely a legacy of his family raping the continent so they could get diamonds for their shiny hats. Prince William said of the nursery theme,
“We’ll cover it in, you know, lots of bushes And things like that. (We’ll) make him grow up as if he’s in the bush.”
Go fuck yourself, you Limey prick. That kid is going to grow up in palaces as the future king of England. How the fuck is he going to grow up as if he is growing up as a subsistence farmer and hunter like the poor people of Africa? I know your mom used to go on poverty tours pretending she gave a shit about poor Africans, but we all know it was for show and to experience an occasional shtup from a cock that didn’t need apologizing for. Just be honest and make the theme of the nursery — you’re rich for no particular reason. That way your son can grow up with the same generalized sense of guilt that leads to hosting fundraisers for Africa in the backyard of one of the estates he already owns at six weeks old.
Here’s what I know about baby names. The more wacky the baby name, the more the parents want attention for themselves. That’s why celebrities keep giving their kids stupid names. Like North West. It’s a big ‘hey, look at us and our wild baby names’. They could give a shit about how badly that kid will be taunted at the reform school where they ultimately land for experimenting with drugs to forget their fucked up childhoods. God love the royals. The biggest royal baby in many generations and they went with George. George. That kid might actually stand a chance. He also inherited one billion dollars on birth. That should help.
These pictures show one of the following:
A) What Mitt Romney imagines when preparing to campaign in Alabama.
B) Prince William and Kate Middleton in the Solomon Islands today as part of their Diamond Jubilee Tour of South East Asia.
The answer is “B” of course. You can tell because if it really was Alabama, the toothless obese women with their tits flopping around would be white and their hats would say “Roll Tide”.
(note: holy shit this post was offensive. sorry about that. image source = splash)
WWTDD.com can now officially confirm earlier reports that Prince William married Kate Middleton today, in Paris according to my sources, thanks to this exclusive footage of the event. You would have thought someone else would have recorded this, on their phone or something, but as far as I know this is the only video around.