By Lex December 10, 2014 @ 1:06 PM
Until such time as the scepter is handed over, all future monarchs of England are expected to work at typical jobs their wet nurses read to them about in bedtime books about the normals. Prince William landed a gig with an air ambulance service in England. William will toil for up to seventeen hours a year, sixteen of which will be captured on film by royal biographers, leaving an hour unfettered for homosexual and or incestuous escapades at eight hundred feet. The charity William will fly for needs a few extra bucks so local women who shouldn’t be naked got naked for a fundraising calendar. It’s the new meme in England for chunky gals from the local supermarket checkout counters to put together a photo calendar that not a single person could possibly be buying for any reason other than charity. Still, like Prince William coming to the rescue in his helo every fifth Sunday afternoon between 2pm and 4pm, you have to give the lasses credit for being plucky.
Photo Credit: Geoff Robinson Photography
By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 1:13 PM
The royals of England came and met with the Beyonce and Jay Z to discuss such things as how best to garage your fleet of Bentleys during the snowy season and a brief but telling trivia contest on how little each knew about the current whereabouts of their children. The meeting itself court-side at the Brooklyn Nets game was fairly brief, but served the purpose of allowing the British monarchs to be seen with important black figureheads in America without having to fake smile through another insufferable Obama dinner. Prince William once more was forced to fire his wardrobe chief for failing miserably at making him blend in at a commoners event.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Travis May 14, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Prince William invited more than 200 guests to Windsor Castle last night for an event that celebrated the work of the Royal Marsden Hospital, and some of the more famous faces in attendance included Benedict Cumberbatch, Cara Delevingne and Cate Banchett. Supermodel Kate Moss was also there, and she got to speak with William as he made his rounds and pretended like a prince is still a real thing that people take seriously. Some people also think that Kate was actually flirting with William as she claimed that it was “Such a shame” that the Duchess of Cambridge stayed home to change the royal diapers, and she probably was. After all, there’s a huge difference between Prince William, the Duke of Cambridge, and Billy the balding British boy, so if an aging model wants to break up a marriage, this would be the one.
By Lex September 12, 2013 @ 12:22 PM
Apparently, Prince William has spent the last almost eight years as a full time soldier. Well, airman. I guess he was deep cover pretending to be a polo playing and ball-attending prince during his stint in the R.A.F. because I had no fucking clue the future king of England was even in the military.
“His Royal Highness The Duke of Cambridge is to leave operational service in the Armed Forces. He completes his Tour with the Royal Air Force Search and Rescue Force at RAF Valley, Anglesey, after more than seven-and-a-half years of full-time military service.” — statement from Kensington Palace.
Yep, see, right there. The Palace said so. They could’ve said he was an astronaut or a baker of magic pies and I guess I’d be no more confounded. The same statement when on to suggest the Prince’s future career moves:
“William will expand his work in the field of conservation, particularly in respect of endangered species.”
I guess he’s going to wrangle poachers or protect the gnus of sub-Saharan Africa or other things that can be done by telling your butler to make it so. I don’t mind that they’re making shit up for the Prince so he looks like a servant of important causes. But England’s kings were much cooler in the old days when they didn’t feel a need for a job description beyond ‘vanquishing the French and befouling their women’.
By Jack August 22, 2013 @ 11:29 AM
The nursery of the future king of England will have an Africa theme, because of course. You know Africa, that continent his family brutally subjugated up until a few decades ago. Apparently his dad, prince receding hairline, just loooooves Africa. It’s so, like, quaint and stuff with their crushing poverty and AIDS epidemic. Poverty, btw, that is largely a legacy of his family raping the continent so they could get diamonds for their shiny hats. Prince William said of the nursery theme,
“We’ll cover it in, you know, lots of bushes And things like that. (We’ll) make him grow up as if he’s in the bush.”
Go fuck yourself, you Limey prick. That kid is going to grow up in palaces as the future king of England. How the fuck is he going to grow up as if he is growing up as a subsistence farmer and hunter like the poor people of Africa? I know your mom used to go on poverty tours pretending she gave a shit about poor Africans, but we all know it was for show and to experience an occasional shtup from a cock that didn’t need apologizing for. Just be honest and make the theme of the nursery — you’re rich for no particular reason. That way your son can grow up with the same generalized sense of guilt that leads to hosting fundraisers for Africa in the backyard of one of the estates he already owns at six weeks old.
By Lex July 24, 2013 @ 2:27 PM
Here’s what I know about baby names. The more wacky the baby name, the more the parents want attention for themselves. That’s why celebrities keep giving their kids stupid names. Like North West. It’s a big ‘hey, look at us and our wild baby names’. They could give a shit about how badly that kid will be taunted at the reform school where they ultimately land for experimenting with drugs to forget their fucked up childhoods. God love the royals. The biggest royal baby in many generations and they went with George. George. That kid might actually stand a chance. He also inherited one billion dollars on birth. That should help.