Scott Disick Melancholy

By Matt July 27, 2015 @ 6:09 AM

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Scott Disick did a club appearance in Calgary and looked kind of bummed that he was receiving fifty thousand dollars to stand around and get wasted and probably bang those two whores. You have one job. Show up, smile, get drunk, have an anxiety ridden hangover and cancel a flight while crying after having decided to move to Alberta and raise alpacas while you’re scratching at the blisters on your dick. Rarely would I advocate punching strangers, but this fucker is asking for it. It’s unclear why any club would pay a wet blanket with no discernible skill set to hang around but it’s supply and demand and even Canada has their share of fucking retards who like to point at bearded clowns and try to suck the ill begotten fame out of them. We’re all getting very sick of this. Please fall off a balcony soon. Failing that, run the bath.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kourtney Kardashian Dumps Disick

By Lex July 06, 2015 @ 12:32 PM

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Sometimes you need to make numerous babies with an unemployed alcoholic before you can size up his boyfriend viability. Kourtney Kardashian had to know there was something wrong with Scott Disick the first time she realized he wasn’t black and his dick wasn’t painfully pressing up against her small intestine during intercourse. She could’ve asked her sisters. Now the eldest Kardashian midget whore has told her long time boyfriend to take his $12 million in net worth from the show and take a hike. Kourtney will finally have a tear filled storyline to A-block the show. Disick will move to a swank condo in Aspen and drunk fuck hot chicks who believe he’s really going to pass their demos on to Kanye. Usually breakups with little kids involve lots of pain and suffering. In this case, they’ll be able to limit the immense downside to just the children. Huzzah.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Scott Disick Is Fucked Up

By Matt October 14, 2014 @ 6:31 AM

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Scott Disick was seen getting black out drunk in Vegas. It’s unclear if Disick is making a spectacle of himself just for the cameras, or if the cameras 24×7 are causing him to drink. He’s found himself in a precarious situation where gargantuan amounts of self loathing would be justified, yet his status is envied by shit for brains teenagers inhabiting McMansions across the fields of  grain. To make matters worse he is forced to fight an understandable urge to curb kick all of his in-laws, acquaintances and fans. What follows is a seriously unhealthy booze regimen which serves to delay his self actualization. Unfortunately no amount of Bacardi 151 or pile of Quaaludes can obfuscate the gnawing realization that you are a the dude who cleans up the whore rooms at the cathouse. Even in your Bentley with the gold cuffs, you’re still the dude gathering up the spent condoms in the early morning hours. Bottoms up.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Scott Disick Pissed About Pregnancy

By Matt September 02, 2014 @ 6:09 AM

Kourtney Kardashian pretended to reveal to her unemployed boyfriend that she’s pregnant with their third out of wedlock child. Disick shuttered at the notion. Possibly because Kourtney asked him to shut the door so they could be in private with a camera crew. Or maybe he just did some basic math splits on what he gets after he dumps her body in the quarry. Disick ranted to a degree a sober person would find suspicious:

“This is ridiculous. It is always so sneaky with you. You need to stop lying to me…You just keep suckering me into these kids… I just kind of thought that at two we did not want to have any more kids and now I have to look after three. Just saying it is freaking me out.”

Although this pregnancy seems like a total disaster, Disick is actually doing the zygote a favor. Years later when the child has grown up to a pill popping teen with inadequacy issues, it will begin searching for answers. Most of these kids have to fly to Tampa to meet their estranged alcoholic father in the Elephant Bar for a disappointing heart to heart. This little bastard will have Youtube.

Scott Disick Was Poisoned! But Not Well Enough

By Matt July 18, 2014 @ 6:32 AM

Scott Disick

Scott Disick was admitted to a hospital last month for being a pussy who can’t hold his liquor. Disick was out getting hammered when he told his paid extra friends he thought he was roofied. Its unclear if the hospital was Disick’s idea or some producer who thought the spectacle would be slightly more interesting than watching him cry and cut his legs with a spork. He was tested for drugs but it turns out someone just put more booze in his booze. Getting alcohol poisoning when your job is basically drinking either means you have serious brain damage or you found Leaving Las Vegas inspirational. Apparently Scott hasn’t had a drink since his hospital visit. Hopefully show producers return to the idea that his suicidal boozing is a story line with great traction and order him to start downing bottles of Old Grand-Dad until his kidneys fail. At some point, ratings are going to dip and somebody on that show’s going to need to die tragically. It’s not going to be someone with tits.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kourtney Kardashian Showed Us How Douche Babies Are Made

By Travis April 07, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Ever the romantic of her family, and also the sister that didn’t become famous by getting drilled by Ray J on camera or drive her husband to ruin his NBA career because he just loved crack too much, Kourtney Kardashian recently shared a photo of her and Scott Disick in their younger days. The quietest of the Kardashian sisters described this classy and romantic image of her and Scott with the message “crazy in love,” which is just so inspiring and adorable to see from two people so strangely famous for not doing anything noteworthy in their lives. Meanwhile, Scott probably described that photo as the time he “got his dick ruined while rocking a pretty epic pair of cargo shorts,” because he’s Lord Disick now, and not at all a clueless, narcissistic douchebag anymore.

Photo Credit: Kourtney Kardashian’s Instagram