By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 6:08 PM
LeAnn Rimes got very choked up during her Patsy Cline tribute at the American Country Awards, which I’m pretty sure is a show LeAnn made up so she could do a Patsy Cline tribute. When she got to ‘Crazy’, she followed a bandmate’s advice to think about sex to keep herself from breaking down into tears. Thoughts of mounting Clint Black momentarily helped LeAnn keep her composure. But then LeAnn felt guilty imagining Clint so she started thinking about her current husband’s dong, and thoughts quickly turned to the nanny he was likely boning behind her back, and the damn burst forth with Rimes water. Later on LeAnn admitted that the advice probably works better for men who engage in sex with a cold and animal-like dispassion rather than an anorexic cyber-bully with trust issues.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 4:49 PM
Dianna Agron is back. Actually, I don’t know if she ever went anywhere, but, fuck, I’ll announce her as back. She’s the chick on Glee whose shrill voice didn’t drive her boyfriend to mix heroin and champagne in a Canadian hotel room. Though I guess it’s possible she has too. I don’t follow Glee so much since I’m neither lonely or gay. Though I am pretty fucking isolated and I did once call Lance Bass super talented in a YouTube comment. So I’m very very close.
Photo Credit: Galore
By Jack December 12, 2013 @ 4:30 PM
Amanda Bynes has had her Pomeranian, Sherbert, taken away from her permanently. Her mom was taking care of the purse dog while Amanda was in mental lockdown, but now that she’s out, mom figured maybe it was best if Sherbert went to go live with an owner who wouldn’t douse it with gasoline so much when lighting driveway fires. Amanda was very attached to the rat posing as a canine, apparently Sherbert is what Amanda screamed out for most nights through the rubber walls of her accommodations. While everyone was concerned she might relapse somewhat with the news of her dog being given away, the thought of having to smell burning Pomeranian hair in the house sealed the decision.
By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 4:03 PM
This is precisely why they effort to settle horrific sexual assault cases before they go to trial. Nobody wants the victim to have to sit in a courtroom across from her attacker. I feel the same way about Sharon Osbourne’s gaping labial maw. She made a furor over her scratchy snatch a couple weeks back when she announced on British television that she’d had her wizard sleeves shape shifted back to their original virginal dimensions. She even made a detailed point about how excruciating the vag-hatchet job was to undergo. Now she’s telling Howard Stern it was all just a joke. Her reproductive junk remains dangling from her frame like an everted starfish stomach digesting fish chum on the ocean bottom. Howard didn’t believe her snatch retraction retraction, so Sharon swore on the lives the children she fucked up that her vagina remained untouched since the last time Ozzy went stumbling for a sandwich in the middle of the night. Everyone agreed that she was telling the truth and that nobody who’d heard the full story would be able to eat a solid meal for at least a week. Probably longer for a cheesesteak.
By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 3:19 PM
With just two weeks left until Britney debuts her big show in Vegas, you can feel the electricity in the air. It’s doubly palpable when you’re talking about a woman who was inexplicably wearing wigs and speaking in a British accent just a few years ago. You never know what’s going to happen. Will her stage show dazzle the audience? Will she piss gasoline onto their morbidly obese bodies before engulfing the venue in flames? It’s entirely up in the air. That’s the true magic of Britney: Piece of Me at Planet Hollywood.
“Vegas is definitely a new challenge. I feel I’m more of a perfectionist these days. The increased scrutiny does make me a little harder on myself these days. There are more expectations of me now, not just in terms of what I do, but also in terms of who I am.” — Britney babbling to the U.K. Telegraph.
It’s nice to finally see Britney accepting the mantle of role model to millions of American moms who just want to eat cheeseburgers and fill out their sweats while also getting paid $300K a night to sing their classic songs in a fat-shrinking girdle.
Here’s Britney in her underwear for her new music video Perfume. If they can hoist her onto the stage in this exact same position and lighting, she’s going to be just fine.
By Jack December 12, 2013 @ 2:32 PM
Rapping pap smear Kanye West dealt with a heckler at a show in San Antonio with his usual sense of restraint and dignity. It all started when Kanye donned a mask made by designer Maison Martin Margiela. Yeah, I know, my favorite designer too. Why Kanye wears this mask is anyone’s guess. The fan yelled for Kanye to take the mask off and then he went Kanye nuts. Yeezus took it as a challenge to his artistic vision or some shit. He yelled,
“Now, you can see my face on the internet every motherfucking day. I came here, I open up a motherfucking mountain… and you tryin’ to tell me how to give you my art. Now tell me something, y’all want me to do this show the way I would do this show? Don’t fucking heckle me! I’m Kanye motherfucking West.”
It is true that it’s rude to interrupt a man who is opening up mountains. Nobody mocked John Henry when he was driving steel into the mountain to build the railroad tunnels. And that was just transcontinental transportation. This is rhyming about money and jizzing on whore’s boobs. Show some fucking respect.
By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 2:03 PM
Brooke Mueller wore her sobriety necklace outside of her clothes in Hollywood to let the world know she’s off the pipe. It’s the vaunted 30 minute badge, or the 1800 second badge as Brooke is breathless and sweaty to point out. The past half hour hasn’t been easy for Brooke, considering Charlie Sheen is kicking her out of her mansion, she’s lost custody of her Beelzebub twins, and being one degree from her drug connect on LinkedIn hasn’t helped her job search. If Brooke can just clear the one hour hurdle, her recidivism odds will drop to just 99.6%.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex December 12, 2013 @ 1:21 PM
Whenever I want good honest Kim Kardashian news, I turn to E!. They only make about ten billion dollars off of the mildly retarded whore family from Calabasas, so you know they’re going to be completely objective. Most every semi-legitimate news outlet is pointing out that Kim’s new ‘post-baby’ bikini debut on US Weekly looks more Photoshopped than all the naked Michelle Obama pictures on the Internet. E! went on to gather some heroic quotes from Kim about her Herculean effort to get her moneymaking body back in shape.
I mean, as you get older and your body changes, you just can’t eat the way you used to. So I’m training myself and I work out. You know, I love pilates, I love running. Now that we’re on the road, just any gym in any hotel, I just go for it.
Now that’s informative. And honest. As any woman knows living on the road with her rapper baby daddy, it’s hard to find the four hours a day you used to dedicate to Tracey Anderson training and colonics. Even the amphetamine laced diet powders don’t taste the same in hotels. Kim says she still has ten pounds or four more Photoshop erase swipes to go before she has her body back. In fact, she really didn’t even want to go out on the beach in her bikini yet, but she asked herself, what would her hero Eleanor Roosevelt do. And off came the clothes.
Photo Credit: Us Weekly, Kim Kardashian/Instagram