By Lex September 02, 2015 @ 12:20 PM
The idea of a female President hasn’t caught the same tsunami as the first black President. I’m not seeing the me-too bumper stickers like I did in 2008. Even low information voters inherently understand there are more women in this country than men. More female college students, professionals, lawyers, doctors now, and even coaches in the NBA and NFL where women previously only held positions as baby mamas and victims of assault. Women feel like a suffering minority, but it’s largely just because they read too many pamphlets in college or anything written by a woman after 1967 that didn’t appear in Penthouse. My science is pretty good on this. I’d vote for this Danish chick in her lingerie. If only people born outside the U.S. could be President. Talk amongst yourselves.
Photo Credit: Beach Bunny Swimwear
By Jack September 02, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Canadian skateboard enthusiast and singer Avril Lavigne has split with Chad Kroeger from Nickleback. I guess she came to the conclusion we all know: nothing that has ever happened is as terrible as Nickleback.
Read more about Canadian heartbreak. (TMZ)
Hannah May Rose takes off her clothes outside. (Egotastic All-Stars)
These are the hottest NFL cheerleaders. (Busted Coverage)
Wanna see Chloe Sevigny’s tampon string? Of course you do! (Drunken Stepfather)
Sarah Jean Underwood’s boobs look amazing in a tiny bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)
Kendall Jenner needs to eat a sandwich. (Popoholic)
Alyssa Arce buck ass naked. (The Superficial)
By Lex September 02, 2015 @ 10:18 AM
It’s not for me to say how long a woman has left to find a guy without credit problems, but I’m giving Minka Kelly and her breasts two years. You can clock it from July rumors that she was Sean Penn’s rebound hump after Charlize Theron’s drugs wore off and she snatched up her African baby and ran. Two years seems like a long time but that’s five more Olympics. Take that top down another button. You don’t want to end up with a guy like me. Tick tock.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex September 02, 2015 @ 9:14 AM
Miley Cyrus is overachieving. Like Rudy, if everybody agreed they would fuck Rudy if nobody else would ever find out. She can’t sing, but she’s a multi-platinum recording artist. She’s not sexy, but she’s become the go-to girl on sexuality. Her tits wouldn’t make first round cuts as minor league hockey ice girl, but she’s using them to make herself the top searched name on Google. There have been inexplicable one hit wonders before, but nothing that ever had this much staying power.
Cyrus stepped up in a bit with Interview magazine where she Facetimed naughty pictures to a photographer and they called it novel. Kim Kardashian heard what was going on and whipped off her top and got into the mix. I’m pretty sure she was not on-contract, she just instinctively knows when this shit is going down. There are more famous chicks involved in this magazine spread, but only Cyrus flashed her titties. She’s throwing off the entire natural order of pretty girls finishing first. Soon, gazelles will be consuming lions and the NBA will be dominated by white guys with Arcade Fire walk-up music. Chaos serves nobody. There have to be a couple open bunks at Guantanamo. I’ll start the Change.org petition.
Photo Credit: Interview Magazine
By Lex September 02, 2015 @ 6:48 AM
Every time you feel shitty about America, just Google news of the world and read about what goes on in every other fucked up corner of this planet. In India, a tribal council decided that a young man from the lower caste had violated fresh rules from the 9th century by running away with a rich chick like in a John Hughes movie. Only in John Hughes movies the tribal councils don’t order Eric Stoltz’ two sisters to be paraded naked in the streets then gang raped as punishment for their brother’s social faux pas. Thanks, bro. Hope you two are happy.
The number of reported rape cases in India skyrocketed nearly 900 percent in the 40 years leading up to 2012.
I’m not a stats guy, but a 900 percent rise in rape has to mean the Minister of Stopping Rape gets canned, right? That’s a ton of rape. Nobody does shit about sexual offenses to poor girls so unofficial city elders order their young henchmen to rape chicks from the wrong side of the tracks in between taking Microsoft Customer Service calls. It’s not as bad as American universities where 3 in 2 women were sexually assaulted five minutes ago by a frat guy named Stephen conceived in a feminist graphic novel. Still, an arrow straight up is hard to explain away on a chart where Sanctioned Gang Rapes are on the Y axis. I love you, United States of America. Keep arresting elementary school boys for writing love letters to girls. It’s the only way.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex September 01, 2015 @ 1:40 PM
Just over a year ago I found Matt Ralston while trolling Craigslist Juneau for a no strings attached pen pal. In addition to providing male tourists from the Lower Forty-Eight with expert edging services, Matt turned out to be a really funny guy. Now it’s come time for Matt to fly from the nest. I couldn’t be more proud if he were my own bastard son.
You can now read Matt (and myself and others) on the brand newly launched LastMenonEarth.com where we will be sending up the douchebags of this world, including video, audio, and galleries chock full of lady fudge. I don’t know what lady fudge means, I just know I want it. Matt will also continue to be my life partner on our Last Men on Earth podcast.
You can also follow Matt on Matt’s Twitter or just Google West Hollywood police blotter Unsure stabbings and keep up to date with his nocturnal activities.
I only cry when I watch good looking women fight. This is embarrassing.
(Yes, the header photos have become progressively more disturbing throughout the day.)
By Lex September 01, 2015 @ 12:43 PM
Rebel Wilson took hardcore Twitter grief from the BlackLivesMatter hashtaggers for making light of recent police brutality with her lame bit on the MTV show about the brutality of police strippers. It’s funny, because it’s a play on words, until Rebel Wilson starts taking off her clothes, then nothing’s funny ever again.
A lot of people have problems with the police. But I really hate police strippers. You guys know what I’m talking about. They come to your house, you think you’re getting arrested, and you just get a lap dance that is usually uninspired. I hired a police stripper for my grandmother’s 80th, and he wouldn’t even feel her up. Well I paid an extra $100 for her to get an erotic back massage, but it only lasted one song. I hate this injustice. Hence the shirt.
MTV scrupulously reads every single line of copy before its approved and masturbates thinking about content relevancy to teens. Did this make the pass? If so, fuck you again, Millennials. At least Miley showed her tits while yapping out her gravel quarry barker. How soon until we get that wall built to stop Australians from entering the U.S. and how will it work exactly on first class passengers who had to purchase an extra seat arriving at LAX? We might need bigger nets.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Jack September 01, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
America’s sweetheart Taylor Swift let out a big old fart on the air during the MTV broadcast of the VMAs. It seems she does share some normal human function. Though mostly just the farting, along with some jealousy, hatred, and vaginal dryness.
Watch Taylor cut the cheese. (The Superficial)
Camille Rowe is topless in a sexy Polaroid. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Jessica Simpson’s tits are still fucking awesome. (Drunken Stepfather)
Paris Hilton is available for your kid’s party. (TMZ)
Sarah Harding’s camel toe performed on stage. (Hollywood Tuna)
Keeley Hazell shows off her tits and ass on Instagram. (Popoholic)
Girls tugging on their clothes makes my winer happy. (The Chive)