PacSun Understands America

By Lex May 25, 2015 @ 12:20 PM

PacSun-Selling-Upsides-Down-Flag-Tees

Depictions of the American flag inverted are clearly contrary both to American tradition and U.S. federal code. The upside down stars and stripes are reserved for signals of immediate and emergency distress, such as, I’ve got Mormons with pamphlets on my doorstep. In modern times, malcontents with a lack of creativity have used the flipped over flag to express their outrage over the state of the union with specific animus at electronic food stamps cards negating their purchase of margarita mix. But PacSun has a different reason altogether. They’re selling $24 t-shirts woven from Indonesian slave cottons and stamped with the A$AP hip hop logo to suburban teens whose identities are wrapped up in their hoodie signatures. There can be no greater dedication to the American spirit than the kind of capitalism that takes money from mall teenagers and transfers it to big businessmen whose sinister giggles are shallow covers for their erectile dysfunction. On a day when we honor the U.S. Armed Forces and the intentionally or unintentionally brave souls who risk their lives keeping America awesome, we should honor PacSun for the crass ingenuity that makes this country worth protecting in the first place. There are so many ways to be great in this country, even horrible terrible ones. America, fuck yeah, Memorial Day edition.

Photo credit: Facebook/Heroe Hunting

Marko Jaric Soaks His Tired Weiner

By Lex May 25, 2015 @ 11:24 AM

Marko Jaric Takes A Dip With His New Girlfriend In Miami
Here’s why you might want to be a professional athlete instead of a nuclear scientist or a Dairy Queen Assistant Manager. I’ve been one of those. The tail is to die for. Marko Jaric and his six year NBA career was the definition of ho hum. He bounced between teams once they realized he was vastly overpaid for his performance, shipped out at age thirty to play a couple more years in the European leagues with the funky keys. While he was still a working NBA guy, he hitched up Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima into a couple of kids until she dumped him for banging every other woman they both knew. Jaric had to wait thirty-seven seconds to land on this new chick. I could look her up in the League of Adriatic Models but I’m going to bet she does unfiltered cigarette commercials in Belgrade. Or did. Now she’s got the big fish. He doesn’t even play anymore. He owns burger chains and vodka companies and about half the arable land in Montenegro. If I could do it all over again I’d be 6’7 and super coordinated.  For once I’d like a girl to love me out of completely crass self-interest. I’ve heard the sex is better, or at least, more frequent, which is the same thing.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kesha Dazed at Rehab

By Lex May 25, 2015 @ 10:26 AM

Kesha Seems Dazed At Rehab Pool Party In Las Vegas
Ever since Vegas went to shit there’s been an unwritten rule that the hotel pools have to have celebrity hosts on the big weekends. It’s a draw for the cocaine sniffing junior Hollywood agents who spend Monday through Friday telling everybody where they’re going to be on Saturday. For the casinos, it’s a casting burden that leaves you rolling out the likes of Kesha baked out of her gourd and wearing something resembling what that big girl whose parents kept her in ballet far too long had on for her final recital. I’m not sure whose inspired to drink or do drugs staring into Kesha’s eyes at eleven a.m, let alone jump into a pool where in a world run by stern moms she would be surrounded by red dye confirming her leaks. It should be enough that ambitious girls with nice bodies are in bikinis by the pool. Escort Kesha back to her butter filled sarcophagus and open again on 10/31.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kylie Jenner Comfortable In Her Skin

By Lex May 25, 2015 @ 10:08 AM

Kylie Jenner Wears Bikinis
Kylie Jenner’s people had the bright idea to deflect attention away from her statutory rapey relationship with rapper Tyga by spending the holiday weekend posting pictures of her presumably studying for finals. It’s pretty crass to accuse a seventeen year old of using sex to spin the conversation away from sex, but there’s no single Kardashian public relations strategy that doesn’t involve sins of the flesh, from tits right on through to lopping off cocks. I suppose there’s some relative or family friend somewhere whose had the moral fortitude to tell Kylie that going through life as a whore is not all fun and games. I wish they could’ve captured Kylie’s pshaw at that moment. Then the signature sound of Kris Jenner’s blade hacking through the neck of this would be do-gooder. This particular expedition has no return ticket.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Abigail Ratchford’s Tits In Playboy And Shit Around The Web

By Jack May 25, 2015 @ 10:00 AM

461866880

In the world of tits there are few that can compete with Abigail Ratchford’s sweater hams. Well, they are going to be featured in Playboy. Finally, a reason to keep on living.

Read all about the coming tit storm. (The Superficial)

Alessandra Ambrosio’s cleavage will make your male parts happy. (Egotastic)

Kris Jenner is now getting shit for NOT using the N-word. You can’t fucking win. (TMZ)

Selena Gomez wears a see-through bodysuit lingerie combo because Selena Gomez. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jehane Gigi Paris in a bikini is a wonderful fucking thing, y’all. (Popoholic)

Katy Perry hasn’t talked to man-woman Russell Brand since he broke up with her via text. (Dlisted)

What better way to celebrate Memorial Day than looking at giant tits. (The Chive)

Kendall Jenner and The Hadid Sisters Battle The AIDS

By Lex May 25, 2015 @ 7:04 AM

AmFar Cinema Against Aids Gala
These girls are everywhere. It’s like they use some kind of future tech transporter to reassemble their teen tits at fancy parties around the world. In this case, The AIDS fundraiser in Cannes where everybody who’s anybody with a decent rack dances the night away with shout outs to The AIDS. You trying throwing a STD themed party at your place and see how many hot chicks roll up. It’s an art, not a skill. Keep ditching those bras, ladies, I feel a cure coming on.

Photo Credit: Getty

Nicole Trunfio Makes Breastfeeding Okay Again, Once Again

By Lex May 25, 2015 @ 6:19 AM

Nicole-Trunfio-Breastfeeds-Her-Baby
Nicole Trunfio unleashed a worldwide tidal wave of a half dozen supportive Tweets and a brand new hashtag when she posed on the cover of Elle Australia with her naked baby sucking on her bare tit. The moment was completely uncontrived, as painstaking explained by the magazine editor’s to ensure you actually believe her:

This wasn’t a contrived situation: Zion [Nicole's son] needed a feed, Trunfio gave it to him, and when we saw how beautiful they looked we simply moved her onto the set. It was a completely natural moment that resulted in a powerful picture.

In the wake of this supremely uncontrived magazine cover moment, the hashtag #normalizebreastfeeding took off among the social media mommies fed up with the zero percent of people who aren’t pleased as punch when supermodels whip out their tits to feed their offspring. The naked baby is another matter. Where will the children go for their hashtag about leaving them out of your shit? I got your back, Zion. Gimme a little taste of that teat and I’ll help you to a onesie and a proper bottle.

Photo Credit: Elle Australia And Harper’s Bazaar Australia

Duggar Family Show Pulled For Reasons of Molestation

By Lex May 22, 2015 @ 11:25 AM

Josh-Duggar-Interviewed-on-Extra

TLC pulled the Duggar family reality show 19 Kids and Counting from its lineup due to the fact that everyone just found out that eldest son Josh Duggar molested a bunch of underaged girls a decade ago. The sexual assaults, ultimately handled by the dad, his church, and their local state trooper buddy (later convicted for child porn), somehow never made the show. Nobody outside the Duggar cult even knew about the assaults until 2006 when Oprah TV show producers got an anonymous letter telling them not to let the family on her show because their eldest boy liked to touch young girl’s vaginas. Oprah turned the evidence over to the real authorities who then couldn’t do shit because the statute of limitations on child rape in Arkansas is approximately one second less than the time it takes to read the charges.

The wunderkind son flew under the pedo radar until InTouch Weekly got a copy of decade old police reports this month. Josh Duggar confessed his sins of passion and resigned from his very public position at the conservative Family Research Council. Josh’s wife insists he told her all about his diddling transgressions before they were married but she made him pinky promise not to molest their own children so it was all cool.

There’s a lesson to be learned here but it’s not about moral hypocrisy or dark family secrets or the fact that reality television people are all horrible minions of Satan here to lure dumb people into catatonia. It’s about odds. If you bear some endless run of kids because either Jesus made you or because you’re simply Mexican there’s a solid chance some number of them are going to be poorly wired fuck-ups. You have nineteen offspring and raise them in a born again Skinner box and you’re going to get a drug addict or sexual deviant or Cowboys fan somewhere in the mix. That’s just how odds work.  Buy some condoms and start this whole process over. The show had a nice run and everybody did well. Except for the molested girls. You can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs.