By Lex March 12, 2014 @ 3:32 PM
How many times have you been out with your friends pretending not to drink because you’re on probation and you ended up writing down a list of everybody you’ve ever doinked on lined pre-numbered paper? Yeah, same here. But Lindsay Lohan did. Then casually tossed it aside at the Beverly Hills Hotel where she was with her girlfriends pretending not to drink. Her list includes the names Adam Levine, Justin Timberlake, Wilmer What’s His Face, Colin Ferrell, and Zac Efron, from when he still liked girls. We kind of knew most of this. Then there’s a bunch of names blurred out by InTouch, presumably because they’re civilians, or just prime extortion candidates for the struggling magazine. Either way, when your name appears on a list confirming you as Eskimo brothers with Colin Farrell, it’s probably time to get a shot or tourniquet your penis in some manner. I suppose you could view the discovery of this crumpled up list as merely coincidentally timed to the debut of Lindsay’s crazy boring new reality show on the Fat Oprah Network. If you were a moron.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex March 12, 2014 @ 3:03 PM
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is back to doing what she does best. Pouting quietly in her underwear. She had her run as a Transformers actress, but all that got her were some dismal reviews and Michael Bay giving Jason Statham a knowing smile every time they cross paths. No, sitting silently in her panties is the place for Rosie. When she’s good, she gets her favorite licorice treat. And when she’s bad, you buzz the invisible fence collar and she’s back to pouty and quiet. That’s how you sell some fucking underwear.
By Lex March 12, 2014 @ 2:17 PM
Bobbi Kristina Brown wants everybody who’s worried about her to take a chill pill. She has a couple in her purse if you don’t have your own. She says she just takes after her mother, Whitney Houston. That ought to ease health concerns. She was talking specifically about critcisms that she looks too skinny in recent bikini pictures she was forced to post online by the guy who looks like Thundarr the Barbarian who visits her during her psychedelic journeys.
I am my mothers child ! Have you ever heard of a #fastmetabolism? Damn, lol it’s incredible how the world will judge you 4ANY&EVERYthing.
By fast metabolism, I think she’s referring to Whitney eating only crack with diet chocolate sprinkles after 9am. Still all caps is all caps and ought be respected.
Bobbi’s new husband and sort of kind of her brother by adoption, Nick Gordon, felt obliged to take time away from his jam packed schedule of video games and nail biting to back his woman:
My baby is perfect the way she is. Y’all reporters on my shit can suck my dick. MADD cuz your bitch is a 400 pounder.
Nick’s got a point. As long as he’s not breaking his sister-wife’s bones when he’s railing her in a stupor, whose business is it if she’s skinny like her dead mom. You have to admire a man who rushes to the defense of his lady. Just thinking about the touching English language challenged poetry he’s going to recite at her funeral has me misty.
Photo Credit: Bobbi Kristina / Twitter
By Jack March 12, 2014 @ 1:40 PM
Kim Kardashian was in a car accident in Beverly Hills yesterday but unfortunately no one was hurt. Kim was driving around Beverly Hills listening to the Yeezus album, because someone has to, when she went to turn left. A car that was also turning from oncoming traffic smashed into her Mercedes war machine and damaged the fender. The two drove to the nearby Beverly Hills hotel where they exchanged info and then hugged it out. Now that guy’s shirt has syphilis.
By Lex March 12, 2014 @ 1:27 PM
Selena Gomez didn’t need no rehab. Just look at her stomach. She’s all better. The drinking and drugs and being addicted to loving that evil walking scrote from Canada are secondary issues compared to getting her abs tight. If Adidas says she’s good enough to sell their shoes, then she’s healthy enough for me.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Jack March 12, 2014 @ 12:48 PM
Britney Spears wants to get married in Elvis’ Graceland mansion. Brit is talking to Lisa Marie Presley to see if she will let Britney get hitched to her latest boyfriend, David Lucado, in the famously garish house. Elvis’ home is basically the Vatican for hillbillies, a mecca for Southern girls like Britney. This is Britney’s third marriage so she really wants to go big. You never know if there’s going to be a fourth, she’s already thirty-two. Kim Kardashian is facing the same issue heading into her third marriage. Kim’s choosing a big TV wedding in France. I’m guessing both girls will still wear white, it remains the easiest way to mask all the semen.
By Lex March 12, 2014 @ 12:37 PM
If you look at Courtney Stodden and you see a dumb cluck Barbie trying to tramp her way into a job, then you are probably giving her way too much credit. She’s just an autonomic brain stem with big tits. We’ve had the technology to build a robot version of Courtney Stodden since about 1832. The only issue is price. Courtney has a new older manager-boyfriend after leaving her older manager-husband. The new manager has stepped up Courtney’s career by setting up paid train rides in various public restrooms and getting her into a segment on the E! gay canned screamer, Hello Ross. It’s a big showcase for Courtney, who appears in Etiquette School with Justin Bieber’s weed connect, Lil Twist. It’s funny you see because neither of those two are very classy people, and because both are easily erasable smudges on the Hollywood fame whore landscape, they didn’t cost E! anything. After watching Etiquette school, I was left with the impression that we were too hasty in eradicating the more deadly communicable diseases God gave us to cull the herd.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex March 12, 2014 @ 8:18 AM
When I think about how Kardashian proximity has emasculated former lunch box hero Bruce Jenner, I want to punch Kris Jenner in her girdle restricted paunch so hard that Khloe passes gas. Maybe this guy was a ticking estrogen time bomb from birth, but there’s no disputing that living in a freak show for twenty years is going to rub you off a little freaky. Based on my projections, we’ve got six months, plus or minus two weeks, before we see Bruce on TMZ in a sullen mug shot wearing way too much eyeliner and an off-centered pigtail. I’m just glad his kids are already indignant high school dropouts so this couldn’t possibly harm them.
Photo credit: INF Photo