By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 1:51 PM
This never ending water company chorus line is still your best shot to move from Carl’s Jr. cute fry girl to hey, I have 45,000 men who masturbate to me on Twitter, let me work your car show status. If you get that shot, why not let your tits fall into frame. It’s like Kaepernick or Wilson feeling the rush. Fuck what the coaches told you about patience in the pocket, run, Forrest, run. Don’t slink back to Sweden thinking you could’ve been David Spade’s future girlfriend if only you had peeled back your top as the camera rolled. Regret will eat you up inside just as fast as lutefisk and vodka.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 1:37 PM
Jennifer Aniston stuffed her top on the Ellen show to mock Kim Kardashian and presumably make Ellen’s boxers moist with flop sweat. It was hilarious, if you’re notion of pure entertainment is a future spinster mocking a woman who has a husband, a child, and more money than Qatar. Fuck, I just defended Kim Kardashian. Lightning bolt of Zeus inbound. As a woman who has spent the past decade allowing magazines to describe you as ‘brave’ for lying about being topless in the final cut of the film, Jennifer Aniston ought be a bit more circumspect about poking anybody for showing off their tits. It’s every American’s constitutional right to run over a Kardashian if the ethics question is would you turn right and kill a Kardashian or turn left and kill Hitler. But you surrender that right when you make fifteen bad movies in a row.
Photo Credit: Ellen
By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 12:13 PM
Given all the knee-jerk celebrity Ferguson tweets today, dare I say it’s refreshing to see Chelsea Handler firing off another look at me now bare tit bomb on social media. Fuck yeah. I dare. Tits are better than white liberal guilt even when slung over a boombox like a French fuck and an En Vogue CD comes with each stereo purchase. Chelsea Handler wants attention so very badly. At least her intentions are pure.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Jack November 25, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Lovable cum sponge Miley Cyrus got la Raza all in a tizzy after posing for pics in a sombrero and taco costume. Personally, I’d be thankful for the cultural shout out. Any time Miley embraces you and you don’t get contact syphilis, you’ve won.
See Miley’s tuna taco. (Drunken Stepfather)
Daniela Lopez Osorio makes my wiener whistle a happy tune. (Hollywood Tuna)
Michelle K uses signed pics of her tits to sell albums. (Idolator)
Hailey Clauson is a naughty girl next door type. Oh, so naughty. (Popoholic)
Chevy Chase is one bloated, drunk, fat mess. (Dlisted)
Lana Del Ray’s hot Maxim pics are the best reason to read that shit. (COED)
Old yenta Bette Midler called Ariana Grande a whore. (The Superficial)
By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 11:44 AM
Bai Ling now just shows up to shit uninvited. Who’s going to question a fifty year old Chinese woman wearing just a party streamer. Movie premieres, car wash openings, execution chamber viewing rooms. There’s Bai Ling showing you her tits still look amazing. I’m pretty sure there are Macau businessmen working high stakes bingo cards with boxes labeled with where Bai Ling might appear next. ISIS beheading video, fuck, there’s Bai Ling. Bingo! I win Guangdong
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 10:59 AM
When we talk shit about Europe, we’re really talking about France. The snide surrender monkeys who embody every snotty asshole in every 80′s John Hughes movie. If I could build a giant fist, I’d punch them all in their collective black turtlenecks. Barring that, we sent them Lady Gaga. She’s been moping around Paris the past several days like the chick so disillusioned with existence she quit the Goth club at school via Twitter. The French are only now re-visiting Lascaux and realizing how much Gaga resembles the Paleolithic vision of the angry forest deity who burns children’s eyes for cringing at her horrific looks. When she starts spewing lava from her ass there’s no amount of cleavage that will keep her from being referred to as one of the seventeen French names for God’s punishment for accepting Western capitalism.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 10:39 AM
I understand why Coco forged the arctic migratory fat cap on the back end of her body. It’s like vocational training or school for the most of the rest of us. It opened doors to employment opportunities. But you can’t have that shitter hanging out at the dinner table. I don’t care how fucked up your in-laws are, nobody’s comfortable with an ass hair floating in the gravy.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 9:33 AM
Michael Lohan decided not to tell his kids that he was making an honest woman out of Kate Major the second she got out of jail gestating his second bastard child. It’s kind of romantic in an abandoned building shooting gallery love affair kind of way. Having his celebrity kids attend the wedding would’ve turned the entire event into a media circus rather than the quiet Satanic letting of the blood in the name of the Dark Master Michael and Kate were hoping for. After a quick service, the couple fed each other pieces of cake Michael had laced with human growth hormones and Rohypnol as he turned on a taped message for their toddler son to put a pillow over mommy’s face as she slept because it’s so funny.
Photo Credit: Twitter