TORI AMOS IS KINDA WEIRD

By brendon July 28, 2008 @ 4:07 AM

Tori Amos was at Comic Con in San Diego this weekend, wearing … whatever the hell this is.  She looks like she's coming out of some tube.  Her sickly pale skin does anything but help.  If mutant cannibals ever rise up out of the sewers, driven crazy by hunger, expect it to look very much like this.  And they will.  You’re foolin yourself if you don’t think they will.

(picture source – splash news online)



PLEASE JUST DIE

By brendon July 28, 2008 @ 4:03 AM

Amy Winehouse was up to her usual stoned and drunken antics last night in London, and I'm not even remotely joking when I say I wish this bitch would just die.  If she doesn’t care if she lives, why the hell should I?  She has every advantage in the world and she decided to throw it all away instead.  This is why my drug of choice is reading.  With books, there's no limit to the magical worlds you can discover.    

(photo source = bauer griffin)



BRITNEYS CUSTODY DRAMA NOT OVER YET

By brendon July 25, 2008 @ 2:41 PM

Both TMZ and Us magazine are reporting right now that the child custody settlement that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears agreed to last week has been finalized and will be signed in less than an hour.  TMZ even has the story under the headline, "Case Closed".  But OK! magazine is claiming this isn’t over yet.  They say Britney’s dad – who has final legal authority over all of Britney’s affairs – does not like the deal and will not sign it.  

…sources tell OK! that Brit's dad, Jamie Spears, who has been acting as her court-ordered conservator for several months and who has final say over all her legal and financial matters, isn't happy with the agreement and is refusing to sign off on the settlement.
Both parties are expected back in court today at 2 p.m. PST for an emergency hearing with family court Commissioner Scott Gordon, who had been expected to make the settlement official several days ago.

The original deal had Kevin retaining sole legal and physical custody over both children, with Britney only getting set visitation rights.  So it's not surprising her dad would fight that.  It doesn’t exactly make her look like a gold medal winning mom.  I think a good way for her to change her image would be if she did a magic trick where she started out chained to this table under this great big saw, and then the saw comes crashing down and you’re all like OH NO, but then you look over and you see Britney in a chair right in the middle of the audience.  HOW DID SHE DO THAT?!?!?

LYNNE SPEARS IS THE ANGEL OF DEATH

By brendon July 25, 2008 @ 12:42 PM

The Daily Mail and National Enquirer said yesterday that Lynne Spears, the mother of Britney Spears, ran over and killed a 12-year-old boy in 1975 during a “cannonball run” type coast-to-coast race.  No not really.  I mean she did kill a kid but not during a race.  That would have been awesome though.  Those movies were funny.  

Lynne knocked down Anthony Winters as she turned a corner on a road in Kentwood, Louisiana in 1975.
Britney's mother was 20 years old when the accident happened and is still haunted by the tragedy to this day.
Lynne was driving her brother to the hospital after he sustained an injury when the accident occurred.
Anthony Winters was playing on his bicycle outside his family home.
Lynne's spokesperson Louise Taylor confirmed the tragedy: 'Anthony Winters and his friend were in the road on a curve on a bicycle.
'As Lynne rounded the curve, she could not avoid the boy in the street, as there was oncoming traffic in the opposite lane.
Lynne was never charged over the death of Anthony, because it was clearly an accident.

Or was it?!? (que menacing dun-Dun-DUN!! music). I used to live on this street and there was always this girl riding her bike really late at night, and for weeks my roommate never saw her but I saw her all the time.  I think she might have been a ghost and I was the only one who saw her because she needed me to do something for her.  I forget what happened after that.  Pretty good story, huh?



LINDSAY ALMOST OFFICIALLY GAY

By brendon July 25, 2008 @ 10:51 AM

OK! magazine says that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are very slowly confirming that they are a couple.  The latest example came when Lindsay introduced Samantha to the crowd at a club last night.  OK says…

The two were partying it up last night at the Shrine nightclub at MGM Foxwoods, and when it was time for DJ Sam to step up to the stage, Linz took over the announcing duties and shared a lot more than fans were expecting.
"When the lights came out, she announced Sam and said, 'And no she's not single!'" an eyewitness tells OK!.
Earlier that day, the nearly inseparable duo were "holding hands, acting all lovey-dovey around the MGM Grand," the source adds.

How does this work with lesbians?  Are there still "tops" and "bottoms" like with gay guys?  Because Lindsay would definitely be a bottom.  I imagine her just face down and takin it from behind from Sam and her strap on. I also imagine that when the Vikings first came to the new world, they saw Indians and were all like, what the hell is that.

BROOKE HOGAN STILL SUCKS

By brendon July 25, 2008 @ 9:45 AM

Brooke Hogan is in Miami now to rest up from her vacation in Hawaii. Poor little lamb.  I hope she finds time to film her TV show.  She has a pretty full plate.  Or maybe this is for the TV show.  Either way she’s still a mess.  She dresses like a whore but she’s so damn big it freaks me out.  She looks like a male cop who is undercover as a prostitute.

UPDATE – there's like 10,000 of these in HQ over on less clothes, if you care.  weirdo.



SNAGGLETOOTH IS A DIRECTOR NOW

By brendon July 25, 2008 @ 6:32 AM

The Huffington Post has a steamy report today about sexy Kirsten Dunst and the hot new documentary she's sexily directing.  It's about voting.  Rawr!  

"Actually, I'm gonna plug the documentary I'm directing," she announced.  "My friend Jacob Soboroff is executive director of this nonpartisan organization called WhyTuesday.org. It's a Website. So we're making a documentary together about why we vote on Tuesday."
It's all about America's agrarian roots, see? November is the end of harvest, Dunst explained, and the Tuesday vote allowed Sabbath-observing country folk enough time to horse-and-buggy it to the polling stations before Wednesday market. Worked all right back then, apparently. But today, "it's not a holiday, and we're one of the lowest democratic countries in voter turnout," Dunst explained. Lest her doc turns out to be dutifully evenhanded, we demanded to know Dunst's personal opinion on the matter: "I would keep it the same day, just make it a holiday."

Oh my fucking god!!!  What an amazing movie!!! A two-hour movie about a ten word answer.  "Why do we vote on Tuesdays?"  "Well back when we started it was the most practical day."  Holy shit!!  This movie is gonna make a fortune!!!  Remember the part about voting on Tuesday?  That was my favorite!  But let's not forget the part about why we vote on Tuesdays.  That was pretty good too.  It was lighthearted and funny, but it also really made you think.  Maybe next she could do a movie about whether or not "Lost" is on tonight or what was the score of the Cubs game.

By the way, screw making it a holiday.  Voting should be hard.  Why should every didpshit who has no idea what's going on get to vote?  In fact it should be harder.  You should have to take some kind of civics test.  And then it would be like American Gladiators where chicks with big boobs in Stars and Stripes bikinis bonk you with foam bats as you try to cross a river.



HAHAHA, YOU SUCK LAUREN CONRAD

By brendon July 24, 2008 @ 2:51 PM

If you don’t know who Christiano Ronaldo is, just imagine a Portuguese version of David Beckham.  But not Beckham now, Beckham 10 years ago, when he was the most famous person in the world and still single.  Needless to say a guy like that is gonna nail tons of hot ass, and he doesn’t have time for idiot nobody's like Lauren Conrad.  The Daily Mail says…

Lauren, 22, who stars on MTV's popular reality TV show The Hills, was devastated when the Manchester United player refused to pose with her for a picture.
The brush-off happened in the early hours of Thursday morning at trendy LA hotspot Kress, sources tell MailOnline exclusively.
A fellow party-goer revealed: 'Cristiano was in with his friends, enjoying the music and chilling out in the corner of the club.
'Lauren approached him and asked for a picture of them to be taken. But he just blew her off and refused.
'Cristiano turned to his friend and said in his heavy Portugese accent: 'Who is this woman?'
'Lauren was mortified. She told her friends she couldn't believe he'd talk to her like that. Worse still, she couldn't believe he didn't know who she is.
'She walked away in a really bad mood.'

This is awesome.  The only way this could have been better is if instead of walking away he sealed her in an aluminum trash can and threw a bunch of bottle rockets in there.  Other than that, he kicked her ass quite nicely.  Kudos to you, sir.