Kim Kardashian was the big winner

By brendon May 26, 2009 @ 2:11 PM

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Michelle Trachtenberg and Emmy Rossum have a lot to learn about being famous. Kim Kardashian easily won the bikini contest at the Nivea Beach House in Malibu yesterday. In fact she was seemingly the only person who thought there was one. I have no idea WTF the “Nivea Beach House” is, but it looks like everyone had a good time. Which is surprising because one would imagine that putting this guy within 10 feet of Kims huge tits and unlimited hand lotion would have had disaster written all over it.

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Everyone really hates Kate

By brendon May 26, 2009 @ 12:54 PM

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In about three weeks time, “Jon & Kate Plus 8” went from a show I’d barely even heard of to some secret ratings giant to the most wretched thing on television. Now even Kate’s sister-in-law is telling people not to watch the stupid thing. Her reason? Well, brace yourself, because she claims it’s staged.

When the show first started, Kate made a wish list of things that she wanted, and that became the theme of each episode — the carpet, twins’ room, bunk beds, cow, hair plugs, teeth whitening, trips, etc. EVERYTHING that you see them do or buy is completely paid for out of the budget for the show or traded for free advertising … The episodes are also staged. Here’s how it works … there is a staff of people reading these blogs and they base the shows around what people are talking about.”

Is it really a surprise if Jon had an affair? Kate isn’t even remotely hot enough to justify her insufferable attitude. Bitch had eight kids. Her vagina must look like a black sheepdog panting in the summer.

Afternoon Headlines

By brendon May 26, 2009 @ 12:34 PM

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ZAC EFRON – is considering breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens because he’s being told, “When people see them together, they think of their characters.” As in from “High School Musical”.  Another way to change his image would be to rant about how the Jews control the banks.  They do, you know.  I’ve got some stuff you should read.  (source = star magazine)

LILY ALLEN – says that “Britain’s Got Talent” sensation Susan Boyle is overrated, and that 12-year-old Shaheen Jarfagholi should win (relevant videos over here).  More importantly, how come we’re stuck with Paula Abdul and they get hot-ass Amanda Holden.  Every time I see Amanda I wanna punch Paula.  I’d rather “Idol” switch to footage from a truck stop toilet than go to Paula after every song. (source = daily mail)

SHAUNA SAND – for the second time today, the “star” of a set of pictures from Miami Beach has been overshadowed (this time by the random topless chick) but if you need to describe these Shauna pics to a coworker, stumble back and point at the monitor and say, “OHMY FUCKINGGOD WHATISTHAT?!”  (source = mavrix and splash. jump to hq here)

Today is star studded

By brendon May 26, 2009 @ 9:17 AM

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Some days, lots of very famous people do many interesting and scandalous things. Other days, the star of “Aliens vs Predator” goes to a beach in Miami with a friend who is topless. Guess which of those today is.

(image source – splash and mavirx. jump to hq here)

Ashley Greene is very famous

By brendon May 26, 2009 @ 8:34 AM

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From what I understand, “Twilight” is super cool, and I bet once I see it my soul will fall under it’s erotic spell of forbidden love and hushed affection.   Until then, I have no idea who Ashley Greene is, but she was in a bikini this weekend and I can prove it.  

According to her IMDb page, “Ashley had to learn to pitch like a professional for the baseball scene in Twilight.”   According to youtube, “No.  No she didn’t.”   Thankfully the Twilight fanbase doesn’t watch sports or exercise and probably thinks “baseball” is some kind of quidditch rip-off, so Ashley could have thrown the ball with her feet and no one would have ever said a word.

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Well this is different

By brendon May 26, 2009 @ 6:00 AM

EXCLUSIVE: Charlotte Gainsbourg Relaxing And Changing On The Bea

Charlotte Gainsbourg is a French actress who may be familiar to American audiences because of work in “21 Grams” or “I’m Not There”, and just this week she won Best Actress at Cannes for “Antichrist”, but more to the point she’s now the chick who changed her entire bikini on a public beach, changing from a black one to a white one. When Jay Leno heard about this, he said, “Oh great, just what this town needs, another Michael Jackson impersonator!“  And then a bunch of inbreds in Big Dog t-shirts laughed hysterically, and then he drove home in his 9 million dollar car, and then I slit my fucking wrists.

(image source = flynet exclusives.  jump to hq here

Morning Headlines

By brendon May 26, 2009 @ 5:52 AM

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MIKE TYSON -  his 4-year-old daughter is on life support after being found hanging from a treadmill cord.  What a pervert!  (source = us.com)

WEEKEND BOX OFFICE -  “Star Trek” came in third, bringing it’s three week haul to 191m. “T4” was second with 67m in 5 days, but “Night at the Museum” won the weekend with a 70m opening.   73 percent of the audience for “Museum” were families or people under 25.  Which probably means kids.   In a related story, kids are fucking retards who will watch absolutely anything. (source = variety)

AVRIL LAVIGNE -  she went to Malibu beach yesterday, and was every bit as annoying as you remember her being.  Her husband probably stayed home to suck his own dick.  Best sex he’d had in three years.  (jump to hq here)

Mel Gibson makes it official

By brendon May 26, 2009 @ 4:59 AM

Mel Gibson made an appearance on the Tonight Show last night, where he answered any and all questions about his new girlfriend, even confirming that she is pregnant with his child.  It will be her second, his eighth. People.com says…

Gibson, 53, said he took the blame for the divorce. “My wife and I, our marriage ended three years ago and we’ve been separated ever since then.  These things happen. It’s unfortunate, it’s sad, but you know she is an admirable woman … we’re friends. Look, when it’s all said and done, I did a pretty good hatchet job on my marriage myself. I’m to blame. If you’re inclined to judge, put it here.”
Leno then joked with Gibson about his dating a younger woman. “What, is she 17, 18?” Leno asked. Leno then said, “The rumor I have heard is that you guys are going to have a child?” Gibson then confirmed, “This is true. We’re gonna have a child.”
Piling it on, Leno joked, “So that will make 29? “

Hahaha, oh that Jay!  29?!  That’s a very high number haha!  It’s unlikely Mel would have that many kids, and in fact it is more than he has, so the joke works on lots of different levels. It was an extra treat for people who had caught their breath after laughing at the “17 or 18” joke.  This was like a comedy workshop.  The next time he has Mel on he should mention her height.  “Your girlfriend sure is tall, what is she, like, 12 feet tall?”  Oh my God, haha, can you imagine!  TWELVE!?!  Can you even say that stuff on TV?  I hope he won’t get fined.