jessica is in rio

By brendon September 11, 2009 @ 11:17 AM

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Jessica Simpson is in Brazil this week to film scenes for her VH1 show, ‘The Price of Beauty’. Jessica travels around the world and interviews women about what they go through to look good. Jessica doesn’t speak any of those other languages, and she’s endorsed around 50 different lines of beauty products, so really its just more of a travel guide to stammering pauses and tips on how to change the subject in other cultures.

that looks painful

By brendon September 11, 2009 @ 10:16 AM

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Tila Tequila was in Beverly Hills yesterday, and for the first time we got to see some of the damage done by Shawn Merriman last weekend. You can almost see the outlines of his hands in the bruises on her arms, but considering he’s an all-pro linebacker and she could be carried around on your back like Yoda, this could have been much much worse. At best she weighs 100 pounds. He weighs 260, 230 of which are steroids.

As an influential Hollywood reporter, I was of course on scene yesterday when these pictures were taken and I got an exclusive interview. When asked what happened, Tila said:

No quote for you GI. You round-eye. Rook rike soldier boy, come at night, burn my willage.

I was surprised at her candor and … aww man. I can’t lie to you guys. I actually made up that quote. I did not get an exclusive interview. I was just pretending to be a big shot so people would think I was cool.

(hq jump here. source = splash news online)

afternoon headlines

By brendon September 10, 2009 @ 7:31 PM

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The Thursday afternoon headlines are hosted by Italian actress Maria Grazia Cucinotta. As the Venice Film Festival draws to a close, it may be another year before we see her huge MILF rack again. Sometimes girls email me and ask if they should get implants and if I’m serious when I talk about how awesome huge boobs are. The answer to that is “yes”. Except “yes” is in all caps and there’s an exclamation point at the end and the exclamation point is actually a lightning bolt.

WHITNEY HOUSTON – told Oprah that she was so strung out on drugs in the late 90’s that she once spent 7 months in her pajamas. She makes doing drugs sound relaxing. I think I’ll try some. (the sun)

TILA TEQUILLA – over the weekend, Tila alleged that her boyfriend, San Diego Chargers star Shawne Merriman, beat her, choked her and held her against her will. Merriman says he was merely keeping her from driving drunk. Today the San Diego Sheriff’s Department presented its evidence to the DA who will decide what charges, if any, are to be filed. Some people would have just taken the car keys, but Shawne Merriman didn’t become an All-Pro linebacker by fussin around like a woman. (e! news)

JODIE FOSTER – has been dumped by her girlfriend, producer Cindy Mort, just two months after Foster dumped Cydney Bernard. Bernard and Foster had dated for the past 14 years. They say Foster is “miserable”. On top of all that, keep in mind that gay people can’t get into Heaven. Poor Jodie. She’s always seemed nice. (the enquirer)

(hq jump here.  source = splash news online and getty)

lady gaga is unimpressed

By brendon September 10, 2009 @ 5:05 PM

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Has everyone heard of this South African distance runner named Caster Semenya? She won a gold medal in Berlin last month at the World Championships, and once she became the center of attention, it started to occur to people that she looked like a man. Oh and there’s good reason for that, according to a late breaking report in todays Daily News.

The 18-year-old South African champ has no womb or ovaries and her testosterone levels are more than three times higher than those of a normal female.
According to a source with knowledge of the tests, Semenya has internal testes – the male sexual organs that produce testosterone.

I don’t think we should celebrate peoples differences because more often than not those “differences” creep me out or annoy me, and girls with penises would very very definitely be on both lists. There has to be some kind of island that we could send people like her and Lady GaGa to. A resort where they won’t be judged, won’t be made fun of, from the day they’re born until death. It would be like summer camp all year long. A “death camp”, if you catch my drift.

paula abdul is “stunned” at being replaced on american idol.

By brendon September 10, 2009 @ 3:04 PM

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Even though UHQ copies of Audrina Patridges Maxim cover are now available (ta-da), and Playmate Suzanne Stokes went to a club in Hollywood last night in a toddlers dress, this story still won’t be sexy because it’s actually about Paula Abdul and Ellen DeGeneres. The pictures were just a trick to get you this far. Deal with it.

Paula Abdul was stunned at being permanently replaced on American Idol by Ellen DeGeneres … “Privately, Paula is very upset. She’s never going to admit it publicly but this stung,” said a source close to the Fox situation.  Even though publicly Paula has not even hinted that she might return to the show, privately she still believed a last-minute deal could be worked out, but Fox execs had already moved on.

Hahaha, you suck Paula! What dimension does this goofy bitch live in where inanimate objects are somehow hard to replace or deserve million dollar salaries.  If ‘Idol’ misses Paulas contribution, they can just pump a tank of nitrous into Ellens dressing room then lock her in a dryer for an hour.

(hq jump here. story source = radar. image source = splash)

youll never believe whos fighting

By brendon September 10, 2009 @ 2:19 PM

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Remember that interview Lindsay did with E! back in March? This one. It was when she said all this:

“(People) need to stop saying (Sam and I are) fighting.
“I’m really a good person and I have a good heart and just want to work. The only reason I go to clubs is to hear Samantha spin or be normal.”
“I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs and I don’t lie.
“My past is my past … I’m not the same person and I don’t make the same mistakes.
“If people would just leave my personal life alone then I could land a great role. But all the sicko fans and the noise is so distracting.”

Awesome right? Anyway, Lindsay clubbed up until around 6am this morning, then stumbled around looking drunk and fought with her girlfriend on her very public twitter page. Other than that she didn’t look bad. Normally she looks dehydrated, like her skin would be real tough. Like a turtle out of its shell, or maybe she was set on fire at one point but quickly put out.

morning headlines

By brendon September 10, 2009 @ 12:23 PM

The Thursday morning headlines are hosted by this sexy ass German guy who shuffles around in a circle for over 5 minutes to ‘Sunshine’ by alex M.O.R.P.H. At the 3 minute mark, just when you think things are starting to cool down, the music kicks back up and his hot moves go right along with it. I actually went and bought some panties just so I could throw them at the screen as I squealed with delight.

BRAD PITT – spent $82,000 on a custom home for the family (brace yourself) gerbils. To be fair, it’s not that the gerbil house is that fancy, they just had to add a bunch of locks and monitors so Zahara wouldn’t have a flashback and eat them. (the enquirer)

KATHERINE HEIGL – is adopting a 10-month-old “special needs” girl from Korea. It may seem nice of her to adopt a kid like that, but her diabolical ass probably just wanted a retarded one so when she forgets to feed it or leaves it in a hot car she can tell the cops, “it was fucked up like that when I got it.” (star)

NICOLE RICHIE – gave birth to a son yesterday, and just in case having her and Joel Madden for parents wasn’t embarrassing enough, they named him ‘Sparrow James Midnight Madden’. Or as he’ll be known in the 6th grade, “That Kid Lying Face Down In The Mud And Clutching His Stomach In Pain.” (us.com)

mummies with hoop earings, pt 2

By brendon September 10, 2009 @ 11:49 AM

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Sarah Jessica Parker filmed more 80′s flashback scenes for the ‘Sex and the City’ sequel yesterday (just like Kim Cattrall the day before), despite the fact that she looks 95 years old, I don’t give a fuck how many bangle bracelets you put on her. This movies got some balls. You might as well put antlers on a pig and call it a deer. At least they had the good sense to hold back on the Madonna-style crucifix. Any religous stuff on someone this weathered and ugly would just make her look like some kind of demon hunter.

(17 more here. hq jump here. source = splash news online)