the top 100 stories of 2010 (90-100)

By brendon December 27, 2010 @ 5:37 PM

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100. BROOKLYN DECKER – did a cartwheel in a bikini. Holy shit, this is number 100? Wow is this list gonna go down hill fast. (May 12th, May 13th, May 12th, May 11th)

99. HEIDI MONTAG – got DDD implants. As I was saying; Down. Hill. Fast. (January 21st, April 12th)

98. ANNA PAQUIN - announced that she’s bisexual, doubling the number of potential lovers who will have to ignore that gap between her teeth. I swear in some pictures it’s like she only has 2 teeth. (April 1st)

97. RICKY MARTIN – claims he’s gay, but if you listen to his older songs, he sings about many beautiful ladies and how he wants to make love to them. Gay? I don’t know, I don’t buy it. (March 29th)

96. COREY HAIM – died. This one would have been higher up if anyone knew he had been alive on March 9th. (March 10th)

95. AVATAR – broke the all time box office record, with a current total of 2.77 billion dollars. In a related story, people are generally dumb with horrible taste in movies. (January 25th)

94. JESSICA SIMPSON – is “sexual napalm”, according to John Mayer. If by “napalm” he means she clings to you and makes men run away, that seems fair. (February 10th)

93. LINDSAY LOHAN – is $600,000 in debt. Or at least she was back in April. How is she doing lately, has anyone heard? She lives her life with such a quiet dignity, it’s hard to keep up. (April 19th)

92. KATY PERRY AND RUSSELL BRAND – got engaged. Gee I wonder if their kids are gonna be pretentious and annoying. (January 6th)

91. KEVIN SMITH – was kicked off a Southwest flight for being too fat. Yes, we wouldn’t want to sully the classy experience of a Southwest flight by having to look at a fat guy. (February 15th)

90. KE$HA – was so bad on SNL, it had people wondering if she was the worst musical guest in the shows 35 year history. I don’t even know what the other choices are, but “Yes”. (April 20th)

Rihanna went swimming with the power of the panther

By brendon December 27, 2010 @ 2:52 PM

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Rihanna is spending her holiday back home in Barbados, on Sandy Lane Beach, and any sharks who planned on biting her better think again. Her sexxxy one piece and headband lead me to believe she now has the stealthy moves of the panther, and the cunning of the mighty tiger (leopard?). Oh if only she had this outfit 2 years ago. Chris Brown never would have landed a single punch.

(source = splash news)

Natalie Portman is engaged, pregnant

By brendon December 27, 2010 @ 1:28 PM

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Natalie Portman has confirmed today that she’s not only engaged to choreographer Benjamin Millepied (this handsome devil) but she’s pregnant as well. No word yet on who the father is. Oh wait, never mind, it’s probably that same guy. People says…

The couple met during the production of Black Swan. Portman’s performance in the film has earned her nominations for a Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild Award.
This will be the first child for the actress who is due in 2011.

I think it was really unprofessional for Portman to fuck the choreographer. Stuff like this is why I stopped dancing. I had 3 years of classical, 6 years of tap, but everyone was always having sex with each other. I just wanted to dance, ya know, to move and express myself. This is supposed to be about the dancing.

Monday morning headlines

By brendon December 27, 2010 @ 11:08 AM

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LITTLE FOCKERS won the weekend box office with a lower than expected $34 million, but the real story was that Gullivers Travels absolutely bombed, opening at number 7 with just $7.2 million. Actually “bomb” might not be a fitting description, because I’d much rather be in a room with an actual bomb than a Jack Black movie. (variety)

TENNA MARIE – died of natural causes over the weekend at age 54, and apparently this is a big deal but I’ve never heard of this chick in my life. Here’s her big hit song, and that thing is awful, so good riddance I say. (e!)

HUGH HEFNER – who is 84, is engaged to Playmate Crystal Harris, who is 24. As you can see they certainly make a darling couple. The secret to a good relationship: greed. (us)

Paris and Nikki Hilton are in Hawaii

By brendon December 24, 2010 @ 10:12 AM

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Paris Hilton is ugly, and her sister Nikki is even uglier, so these pictures of them in bikinis in Hawaii yesterday were only interesting when it looked like they might start kissing. That didn’t happen. So… moving right along.

(source = splash news online)

Cameron Diaz is in a bikini, an idiot

By brendon December 23, 2010 @ 11:14 AM

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The best thing about these pictures of Cameron Diaz and her lover Alex Rodriguez in Hawaii yesterday is that they were taken from really far away and the water looks real pretty, so you’re not overwhelmed by how shockingly ugly Cameron Diaz is.

Oh, and she’s as athletic as she is lovely. She even managed to stand on this paddle board for a few seconds without having to sit back down. I think the problem is those things are only like 10 feet long and 4 feet wide. They should really be bigger. Maybe we can get someones roof and Cameron can stand on that. Or just a regular boat. What about the land Cameron, can you maybe walk on land for 20 seconds without tipping over, you fucking spaz.

(source = inf daily)

Jenn Sterger is real stuck up

By brendon December 23, 2010 @ 11:00 AM

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Jenn Sterger of course is the former NY Jets employee who Brett Favre was reportedly hitting on and texting pictures of his dick, and now she says all this hot hot action came with a few sexy requests too.

she (also) got a text message from the NFL legend in which he asks her for a video of her masturbating
We’re told Jenn Sterger received the sexual request back in late 2008, months after Favre allegedly sexted over the pics of little Brett.
It’s unclear if Sterger has turned over the video request text message to the NFL, which is currently investigating Favre to see if he violated the league’s personal conduct policy.

Seriously, is this really a big deal? Or a surprise? I ask girls for videos of them masturbating all the time. Because it’s awesome. “Hey, if you’re a hot girl, send me a video of you masturbating.” Look, see, I just did it again.

prepare to be amazed: Lindsay is not in trouble

By brendon December 23, 2010 @ 10:40 AM

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Just to set the stage here, Lindsay Lohan has broken 8,000 laws but always gets away with it because the judges and sheriff in LA are complete pussies who simply refuse to enforce the law in any way or ever follow through on their threats. With that in mind, let’s revisit what Judge Elden Fox told Lindsay on October 22nd, moments after sending her to rehab instead of jail…

“Let me be clear; I’m going to do exactly what the DA wants, if you violate the program in any way, if you leave the program early, and if you test positive.”

OK now guess if that’s actually going to happen (SPOILER ALERT: no).

the Probation Department will not recommend to Judge Elden Fox that he violate her probation for the alleged assault when Lindsay appears on January 3 … (they) will only recommend action if Lindsay is convicted.
But it gets more complicated on the subject of alcohol. Under the terms of Lindsay’s probation, she’s required to comply with drug testing, including tests administered at Betty Ford. By refusing to submit to a breathalyzer test a week ago Sunday morning, Lindsay arguably violated this term of her probation.

No. Not arguably. She did. She broke curfew AND refused a breathalyzer. She violated the term of her probation twice. The assault would simply be a third violation. If you tell someone to do something, and they don’t do it, that means they didn’t do it. Can’t we just try to put her in jail, see if that helps. One week in a real jail, in a real cell with a girl everyone calls D-Train or some scary shit like that. Worst case scenario is she gets killed, but think of all the street cred that would give to D-Train.

(nsfw, full size copy of the headline picture here, since having decent tits is the one and only thing she contributes to society)