angelina is tearing her family apart (not literally)

By brendon January 25, 2010 @ 10:23 AM

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Early last week, InTouch magazine claimed Angelina Jolie cheated on Brad Pitt with her dialect coach for the movie ‘Salt’ (which he adamantly denied). A few days later, Us magazine said they were on the verge of a break-up because she hates New Orleans, home of the NFC champion New Orleans Saints. Then over the weekend, a British tabloid claimed Jolie and Pitt were already separated and had even signed paperwork dividing their assets. I can’t tell if you’re getting the point to this post yet, so here’s another example.

BRAD PITT’s brother begged the Hollywood star to leave ANGELINA JOLIE because their family was being torn apart, The Sun can reveal.
The couple have been putting on a united front but a source said: “It’s no secret they have been in a pretty loveless relationship for about a year.
“They barely spend time together and when they do it is very fraught. They want different things from life.
She wants a baby from Syria and now Haiti while he thinks the six kids they have are more than enough.

They looked happy enough on January 6th in New York, but whatever. Syria and Haiti? Jesus Christ can’t she adopt just one kid where she doesn’t need a treasure map to go find it? Where she just fills out some paperwork, in English, in ink and not blood, where she doesn’t have to fight an RV-sized spider or decipher some dusty old book to defeat the “Mummys Kiss”.

i better not get noah wylie

By brendon January 22, 2010 @ 6:29 PM

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Speaking of Haiti and the telethon, the list of Hollywood stars who will be manning the phones is now out (highlights below, full list under the cut). What a sexy telethon this is gonna be.

Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Alec Baldwin, Gerard Butler, Sacha Baron Cohen, Bradley Cooper, Daniel Craig, Cindy Crawford, Penelope Cruz, Michael Clarke Duncan, Zac Efron, Colin Farrell, Mel Gibson, Selena Gomez, Neil Patrick Harris, Vanessa Hudgens, Dwayne Johnson, Daniel Day Lewis, Ewan McGregor, Toby Maguire, Jack Nicholson, Zoe Saldana (pictured), Adam Sandler, Nicole Scherzinger, Steven Spielberg, Charlize Theron, Sofia Vergara, Mark Wahlberg, Olivia Wilde, Reese Witherspoon

They should put up each celebrities number because I’m not giving shit to Billy Crystal. If anything I’d just call him a dick and hang up. That’s not gonna help Haiti. And Noah Wylie is probably just there to collect credit card numbers. I wasn’t born yesterday. I want Vanessa Hudgens, to see if she’d flash her bra to the camera for a thousand dollar donation. Look Vanessa, do you want to help these people or not?

Read more >

leonardo gave $1M to haiti

By brendon January 22, 2010 @ 5:44 PM

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Leonardo DiCaprio (picture not found) will be on hand to help raise money for tonight’s Hope for Haiti Now telethon, and even though it won’t begin until 8pm on the east coast, it’s working already. They just made another million. MTV says…

Leonardo DiCaprio has donated $1 million to the Clinton Bush Haiti Fund. The actor, who will be on hand Friday night (January 22) for MTV’s “Hope for Haiti Now: A Global Benefit for Earthquake Relief” telethon, is the latest Hollywood A-lister to donate a large amount to help Haiti’s recovery after last Tuesday’s 7.0 earthquake.
George Clooney has given $1 million to relief for victims, as have Sandra Bullock and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Gisele Bundchen donated $1.5 million to the cause, and Madonna, who will perform in New York for the telethon, said she’s donated $250,000.

According to a list on Forbes from 2007, Gisele is worth 70M, Bullock is worth 85M, and Madonna is worth 325M. They also say Madonna made another 120 last year. So she’s worth 5 times what Giselle is, yet gave 5 times less. In other words, the young sexy girl was generous and kind while the mean old lady was miserly and cruel. I knew it. This is why I don’t trust people who are unattractive.

(the internet didn’t have any leonardo dicaprio pictures, and the closest i could find were pictures of his girlfriend in a bikini)

angelina hates new orleans

By brendon January 22, 2010 @ 4:43 PM

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Brad Pitt was at the Saints game last Sunday to preemptively celebrate their victory over the Vikings in 2 days, and he brought Maddox to hang out with Spike Lee and Reggie Bush. Angelina didn’t make the game because she was busy. Busy screaming about how much she hates New Orleans, that is.

(Pitt and Jolie) purchased a home in New Orleans in 2007, but an insider tell Us weekly Jolie “calls it ‘his house.’”
“Brad loves spending time in New Orleans, but Angie doesn’t. They fight because of it…she keeps yelling at him that she hates New Orleans and never wants to go back.”
Friends say Pitt is devoted because it allows him to indulge in his passions for architecture and environmentalism (he established a foundation to build 150 “green” homes in the wake of Hurricane Katrina). If the actor had his way, he’d love settle down in the southern town with Jolie and their six kids.
But Jolie “gets really bored” there, and would prefer staying at Chateau Miraval, their 1000-acre, $70 million estate in Provence, France — and continue traveling the world. Yet Pitt has lost the globetrotting bug. “He’s tired of it!” the source says.

It might not be the fairest contest in the world to compare a $70M estate in France to New Orleans. But if she’s bored, she should visit one of our many housing projects that the city planners refuse to move away from tourist areas like the Garden District and French Quarter. Running for your life is exhilarating, maybe she’ll get a kick out of that.

last nights tonight show cost $4.8M

By brendon January 22, 2010 @ 1:57 PM



With just two shows left on his run as host of ‘the Tonight Show’, Conan O’Brien is introducing a few new characters to join beloved favorites like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, PimpBot 5000, and the Masturbating Bear.

This new character is a racehorse who rebroadcasts NFL games without the expressed written consent of the commissioner. Hopefully there will be more tonight. Another funny character would be someone in a diaper and big foam cowboy hat, and he throws red diamonds into the studio audience. And then he goes to New York and buys the condo right next door to NBC chairman Jeff Zucker and starts a prostitution ring.

i think you still need lyrics

By brendon January 22, 2010 @ 12:33 PM

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Katy Perry and her producer went back on forth on twitter last night, with him begging her to get some work done and her explaining that she already had plans for the evening. What a coincidence. Downloading porn is a big part of my writing process too. She’s still gonna need lyrics though. You cant record an entire album about how much you love big black cocks. Well you can, but that might send mixed messages to your pasty white British fiance.

shauna sand has weird priorities

By brendon January 22, 2010 @ 11:53 AM

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The last time we saw Shauna Sand, she was out with her little girl dressed like this, and nothing but mental toughness stood between me and the image of her naked. I’m the Jack Bauer of gossip bloggers. The time before that she was in a car with her little girl while her tits were hanging out. So this is the pattern.

Yet last night she was in New York to promote her porn movie, and she dressed like she was going to the White House. Two weeks ago she was in Vegas for the Adult Video News awards, and she was at least as slutty with her daughter as she was at the porn star show. It’s like she’s declared psychological warfare on this kid for some reason. I’d rather see my mom inside a sharks mouth than one of Shaunas outfits.

(source = splash news online)

thursday afternoon headlines

By brendon January 21, 2010 @ 8:22 PM

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MISCHA BARTON - Is being sued because she can’t pay the monthly $7000 rent on her New York apartment. George Clooney is just givin away new buildings, maybe she can get one of those. (huff post)

JAY LENO - will officially return as Tonight Show host on March 1. NBC says, “The program will continue to showcase many of the features that made Leno America’s late-night leader.” Wow. They really know how to hype someone up. I think I’ll watch it on my 13-inch black and white TV. Change is scary. NBC and I see no reason to rock the boat by trying anything new. (new york times)

HAYDEN PANETIERRE - dyed her hair red, making her 100 percent hotter, because girls with red hair are fuckin hot. Also her shirt says, “Fuck Cancer”. Oooo, whaaat?!? Oh No She Di-ent!!! Cancer is so owned! (inf daily)