It’s not really a sex tape, by the way. This is everywhere today but I don’t know why people are calling it a sex tape. She hits a bottle of Veuve, then dances to some … thing. Music? It sounds more like someone broke a robot and now the robot is dying. Then she and another girl strip down to lingerie and kiss. Then she dances to video poker music and undoes a guys belt. Then nothing.
It’s okay. I guess. Of course if I wanted to see women with their clothes on not having sex I wouldn’t be on the internet now would I? “NEXT!”
Leighton Meester won’t be the only make-out worthy pictures on here today. You probably couldn’t walk 5 feet last night in New York without running into some guys hard cock, because the Museum of Modern Art held a tribute to Tim Burton, and that place had crazy pussy. Among those in attendance, starting clockwise from the upper left, were:
1. Kool Aid man (oh yeeaahh!)
2. Cave Girl
‘Gossip Girl’ star Leighton Meester isn’t merely a less attractive version of porn star Tori Black (here), and last night she proved it by going all out for the opening of American Eagles flagship store in Times Square.
Some girls know how to put on makeup, but I like a girl who really puts on makeup. She should sprain her wrist from pushing that shit into her skin. In fact the eye shadow should come with a gallon of milk because the bones in your hand are gonna need the calcium. If you want to look nice, that is.
Hollywood is filled with drug addicted fuckups, sexually repulsive perverts and soul-crushing hacks, and that’s just Brett Ratner, but this isn’t about him. It’s about the exact opposite of him. Johnny Depp. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say anything bad about Johnny Depp, ever. He’s talented, he’s quiet, he chooses interesting movies, he even tipped a waiter $4000 in June.
And now he’s been named People magazines 2009 Sexiest Man Alive. He won this prestigious award in 2003 as well. He better not rest on his laurels though. I’m moving back to LA next month, and I plan on making the rounds. There’s no doubt I’ll win this for 2010, the only question is, can I be the first to three-peat?
I don’t care about ‘Dancing With the Stars’ of course (in fact if you and I met and I asked what you were doing later and you said, “I’m watching Dancing With the Stars” I would just stare at you blankly while I waited for my brain to calculate how much was wrong with you and then advise me how to proceed) but there’s one thing I very much do care about, and that’s pointless nudity on the internet.
After four couples danced their hearts out in Monday’s semi-finals, only three could move on to the Dancing with the Stars finale next week. Sadly, model Joanna Krupa and her partner Derek Hough will not be one of them. The pair danced her last waltz Tuesday night — and it was lovely.
“I really came in the underdog so it’s great that people actually appreciated our dances and our hard work,” Krupa told PEOPLE after the elimination.
Instead of taking a final bow as the credits rolled, head judge Len Goodman asked Krupa and Hough to give a final performance of their Viennese waltz.
“It couldn’t have been written better, going out on that dance. It was really special,” Hough says. “We went out on a high note.”
Awww. If I hadn’t already taken my pants off that would have really been touching. But Joanna Krupa is a Polish model mostly known for modeling her naked ass, so there’s like 50 naked pictures of her here. I don’t even know where they’re from. They’ve just kind of added up over the years. I know what you’re thinking, and yes it’s true. I’ve lived an amazing life! The 18 grand my parents paid for private school every year has truly led me to this moment!
WOODY HARRELSON – says America invaded Afghanistan because Chevron wanted to overthrow the Taliban and build an oil pipeline. “The guys from Chevron went in and met with the Taliban and realized those guys just weren’t in control enough. That’s why they wanted to oust them.” You can read his entire interview in this weeks issue of ‘Crazy Dipshit Weekly’. (newsbusters)
LINDSAY LOHAN – is not creating a jewelry line with designer Pascal Mouawad, despite telling Access Hollywood that she was. “This is not happening,” he said in an email. As if she knows how to design jewelry. She might as well say she’s gonna build a space shuttle. (wwd)
SETH MACFARLANE – is sort of a one-trick pony. And that trick is to make the same show over and over and annoy the shit out of me. (college humor)
TILA TEQUILA – is suing ex bf Shawne Merriman claiming he abused her. Merriman was arrested on Sept. 6 after Tequila made similar claims, but despite clear bruises up and down her arms and Merriman admitting he held her down, no charges were ever filed. Probably because it’s always a disaster when a girl tells a story. You just know they’re fuckin it all up. (fox)
ASHLEY GREENE – was the hottest of the cast by far at last nights premier for ‘New Moon’. Mostly because I’m not sure who my other choices are. I think one is named ‘Kristin’. Another is maybe named ‘Taylor’. I think those are the girls. Are they girls? I should look this up.
Katy Perry usually dresses like she’s declared war on being attractive, but last night she mixed things up and found a whole new way to disappoint men. Us magazine says…
She usually sports red-hot lipstick, heavy blush and eyeliner, pinup-style curls, and outlandish get-ups (Technicolor jumpers, lingerie, hot pants) only a pop star could get away with. But on Monday night, Katy Perry was just another girl out on the town.
In a sweater dress and extremely simple makeup, the 25-year old singer had dinner with girlfriends at West Hollywood’s Philippe restaurant; barely recognizable, (she) blended right in.
Is it really this hard for a pretty girl with a terrific body to wear attractive clothes and look good? I know she does this shit on purpose, just to be annoying. God almighty, it’s no wonder black people don’t like white people. I don’t either now that I think about it.
Lindsay Lohan is broke as hell of course, because she spends all her money on drugs and other than a cameo that took one day of filming she hasn’t acted in a movie in almost three years. One way she’s saving money is by stealing everything.
Last week she was at Crown Bar when she “stormed into the kitchen and grabbed two bottles of really expensive champagne.” She drank those then threw a fit when they asked her to pay. That didn’t work so she pointed to ‘Twilight’ star Kellen Lutz and said he would pay. Kellen said “wait, what?” and eventually Lindsay paid.
This new story is almost exactly like that one, but substitute the word “clothes” for “alcohol”.