kara dioguardi is naked in allure

By brendon April 13, 2010 @ 4:24 PM

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People seem to really dislike ‘American Idol’ Kara Dioguardi, but I’m not sure why. She seems okay to me. The key is to never watch ‘American Idol’ and have no idea what it is she does exactly. Then when she gets naked for the new ‘Allure’ magazine (full size here), you can approach the image with no bias. My heart comes without judgment, so I can view the picture for its artistic merit. I’m an amazing man!

i think im in love

By brendon April 13, 2010 @ 2:24 PM

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If there’s one thing all guys love on girls, it’s big giant thighs and hips. Especially when the rest of them is normal. We love girls who look like congruent triangles. And that’s the hot look Gaga went with when she landed in Narita, Japan today. Sexy? You better believe it, brother.

White people like me make fun of Engrish but god knows why because we fuck up translating them just as much. Like all those poser jerkoffs who get ‘Power’ or some shit like that in Chinese tatted on their neck. Chinese doesn’t work like that. You can’t have words by themselves with no context. UFC heavyweight Frank Mir is a fuckin bad ass, and I’m sure he thinks he has ‘warrior’ written in ink, but it could also mean ‘bodyguard’ or ‘servant’. Or ‘maid’. Look out everyone. The maid looks pissed. Maybe he could change his pre-fight music to ‘Coward of the County’ by Kenny Rogers too. Make his scary image complete.

(her arm says, “I love little monsters”. Her bag says, “I love small monsters” and “Tokyo love”.)

jessica simpson looks … better?

By brendon April 13, 2010 @ 12:37 PM

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Jessica Simpson is in New York today, and last night she showed off her long not short hair when she attended the 125th anniversary of Good Housekeeping, whatever the hell that might mean.

It’s hard to know what to think after seeing these pictures. Sometimes it looks like they left her in a car on a hot day and she’s expanding and melting. Other times she looks like a perfectly normal girl, but to be honest I don’t like that either because this is Hollywood and I’ve been led to believe they reward girls based on an unrealistic standard of beauty. If I wanted to see normal I’d just go to the fucking mall.

(image source = pacific coast, inf daily and fame)

tuesday morning headlines

By brendon April 13, 2010 @ 11:45 AM

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PAM ANDERSON – owes $493,000 in back taxes to the state of California. Hopefully she’ll pay it soon. Because that’s the problem with California. They don’t collect enough taxes. (huff post)

JESSE JAMES - had to pay off one of his whores because she could prove he cheated on Sandra Bullock with her. And by that I mean she kept a shirt with his DNA on it. This is why you need whores who swallow. If Francis Crick were still alive I’d punch that guy right in his face. (radar)

TYLER HAS SEXY READERS - but you already knew that, you handsome devil you. And Nikki is yet another one. She’s in College Humors ‘Americas Hottest College Girl’ contest, and today you can go vote for her. I feel bad because a bunch of other girls in the contest asked to get mentioned on Tyler too, but Nikki asked first. When you’re a blogger you get used to this sort of thing. Life is an endless parade of sexy women, intoxicated by my power and driven mad with passion. (college humor, facebook)

working for steven seagal is exciting, sexy

By brendon April 13, 2010 @ 10:47 AM

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Steven Seagal is being sued by Kayden Nguyen, a 23-year-old model who claims Seagal hired her as a personal assistant through an ad on craigslist, but her only real job was to, “serve his strange and sometimes violent sexual desires”. Nobody likes a tattle-tale, Kayden. MSNBC says…

(After being hired) she discovered that Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian “attendants” who were essentially on-call for sex — 24-seven.
On that first night, (he treated) Nguyen as his “sex toy” despite her complaints, the lawsuit says.
She complained the following morning to some of the other employees, assuming that they would deliver the message to Seagal. Hours later, the lawsuit says he assaulted her again, this time forcing her to consume “illegal pills.”
The following morning, when she confronted Seagal herself, he told her there had been a “misunderstanding”; but hours later, he assaulted her a third time, an attack that stopped only when she ran away, according to the lawsuit.
The ordeal carried on for several days.
The lawsuit says Nguyen told Seagal that she had to leave to meet with family members who would be suspicious if she didn’t show up. Nonetheless, he told her not to leave the house and followed her with a gun equipped with a flashlight as she went out to a waiting cab, which sped away as she jumped in the front seat.

Ah, the thrill of the hunt!

Still, I feel bad for Seagal. He probably didn’t even think this chick spoke English. So it had to be pretty awkward when he tried to rape her and it turns out she did. People laugh at me because I keep my sex slaves chained to a big rock. Well, who’s laughing now, my friend.

did conan screw over george lopez? no.

By brendon April 12, 2010 @ 4:14 PM

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When NBC approached Jay Leno about doing a 30 minute show at 11:30 and bumping ‘the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien’ to 12:05 (note to nbc: it’s not exactly “tonight” at that point anymore, is it?), Jay did the honorable thing and asked if Conan was ok with the move. But then it turns out Conan wasn’t okay with the move, and Leno just did it anyway because he’s a piece of shit.

So why would Conan essentially do the exact same thing to George Lopez? Well, he wouldn’t. TMZ says…

…the idea of bringing Conan to TBS was hatched by Turner’s entertainment chief Steve Koonin.  We’re told Koonin went to George Lopez and said he would only approach Conan if George gave his blessing.  We’re told George immediately figured out that having Conan as an 11:00 PM lead-in would be nothing short of amazing for a midnight show.?With Lopez on board, we’re told Koonin then approached Conan with the idea.  Conan’s first reaction — he didn’t want to do to someone else what was done to him,  referring to NBC’s decision to blindside Conan. Koonin told Conan that George had signed off, but Conan wanted to make sure.  George then called Conan to reassure him he was on board and thought they would be great partners.?As for why Conan chose TBS …. the average age of a “Lopez Tonight” viewer is 33, decades younger than the other late-night shows.  TBS is the future … so thought Conan.

Actually that’s almost half the age of a Leno viewer (average age: 56). This might explain NBC’s “in living color” motto. Color TV is still a novelty to people who watch NBC, but they like it. They also agree that blacks shouldn’t be allowed to vote, and for fun they shake their fist across the Atlantic at the Kaiser. The new late night NBC motto should be, “Now with 50 percent less of those dirty Irish”.

(EDITORS NOTE: I assume when someone sees the words “Conan O’Brien”, they know who that refers to. So I don’t really see the point in having a hundred pictures of the guy. So instead here’s 54 pictures of hot girls photographing themselves in the mirror, often naked, thus making your online experience more exciting!)

Read more >

conan is moving to tbs

By brendon April 12, 2010 @ 2:07 PM

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Ever since the dimwitted inbreds at NBC fired Conan O’Brien and replaced him with lying scumbag Jay Leno, it’s been assumed he would eventually move over to Fox and go head-to-head with Leno at 11:30. But Fox is also run by idiots (I hate you), so Conan fans weren’t real happy about that either. Luckily…

(Conan) is joining TBS to host a late-night show that is expected to debut in November. O’Brien’s show will be followed on TBS’ schedule by George Lopez’s “Lopez Tonight,” which will move to midnight.
“In three months I’ve gone from network television to Twitter to performing live in theater, and now I’m headed to basic cable,” O’Brien said in the statement. “My plan is working perfectly.”

Well I think Conan is being sarcastic but this seems like a really good fit. NBC sucks. No one watches that shit. Seriously, their motto is, “Brought to you in living color”. Their shows are so shitty the nicest thing they can think to say is that at least they’re not in black and white. That’s like someone showing you a picture of their stupid baby and all you can think to compliment is the hat it’s wearing. “Oh, it’s a stork with a football. That’s … that’s great.” NBC’s motto might as well be, “This channel is free”.

something looks different

By brendon April 12, 2010 @ 12:50 PM

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A game for the Nintendo DS based on the hit Lindsay Lohan movie “Mean Girls” will be released on October 31, 2010, just in time to capitalize on all the buzz. But when compared to the movie poster, something about the game looks different. I can’t quite put my finger on it. The font? Is it the font? Maybe popeater knows.

In lieu of Lohan, the cover instead features Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert and Amanda Seyfried, who played the trio of super-popular girls known as “the plastics.”
Has Lohan been filtered out because of her damaged image in real life? Do marketers view her as toxic?

They probably just assume, rightfully, that Lindsay will be dead when this comes out in 6 months and they didn’t want to freak people out. That seems totally reasonable. Brittany Murphy has a better chance at being alive on Halloween than Lindsay does.