JAMES BLUNT HAS DONE IT AGAIN

By brendon July 11, 2008 @ 2:42 AM

James Blunt is pretty famous for banging tons of hot ass, and he’s up to his usual standards today in the French Riviera.  He’s over there to play in Antibes, whatever the hell that is.  I should probably call this dude a fag, but his military record is pretty impressive, and, to repeat, he nails tons of hot ass.  At this point it feels like, even if I tried to shoot him, he would just catch the bullet in his teeth and then spit it out and then tackle me and then grab my wrists and make me hit myself in the face again and again, all while asking me why do I keep hitting myself and "baby gonna cry?"

POOR MEGAN FOX

By brendon July 11, 2008 @ 2:32 AM

There are new stills out from "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People", starring Kirsten Dunst, Megan Fox and (the totally awesome) Simon Pegg, and I think someone from casting needs to go back to casting school.  How could they put the Most Beautiful Woman In The World in the same scene with Megan Fox?  Snaggletooth lights up the screen, while poor unfortunate looking Megan just has to stand there and try not to get lost.  They should call this "Hottie and the Nottie 2".   It's not Megan's fault, I guess, just a cruel trick of fate that placed her next to my beloved Kirsten.  Frankly I'm surprised Kirsten's unsurpassed beauty even registers on film.  It's like trying to lasso a rainbow.



BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN IS A LIAR

By brendon July 10, 2008 @ 11:53 AM

Despite reports last week, reports that told the truth, Brian Austin Green says he has not been dumped by fiancé Megan Fox, and according to him, the relationship is going great.  It’s not clear why he would lie like this.  Probably because he’s a god damn liar.  Us magazine says…

"We're solid," Green, 34, says in the new issue of TV Guide. "We've lived together for three years. We have tattoos of each other's names.”
Green's only gripe about their relationship?
"We have more time away from each other right now than we'd like," he says.
Green – who has a son, Kassius, with ex fiancée Vanessa Marcil – says he "would love" to have more kids.
For now, he and Fox – who met in 2004 and got engaged in 2006 – are "rescuing pets from pet stores. We have a potbellied pig, we have dogs, two cats, two birds a squirrel.
"And Megan wants a leopard – that'll never happen!" Green adds. "That's a whole different world."

I want Megan to know that I’m getting pretty sick of Brian and his radical anti-leopard politics.  When she and I date she can get a T-Rex for all I care.  But it's no wonder he’s still clinging to her.  Remember this time last year when she gave him a blowjob him in the car, in a public parking lot, in the middle of the day?  Things like that are what make her one of the greatest women who have ever lived, and it’s why I have a 4 foot plastic figurine of her on my lawn at Christmas.

TOBEY MAGUIRE IS PATIENT

By brendon July 10, 2008 @ 10:59 AM

How is it legal that someone is allowed to stand in front of a moving car and repeatedly hit the driver in the eyes with bright flashing lights? Is that not a violation of the drivers rights? I'm assuming Tobey Maguire is wondering the same thing, as last night he was trying to drive his SUV when he lost it and yelled at the paparazzi, screaming, “"get the fuck out of the way, I can't see.  There are cars here motherfuckers."  And good for him.  You’re not even allowed to take flash pictures of fish at the zoo, yet for some reason it's okay to blind people while they try to aim a V12 engine. Why not just sound an air horn off in their ear too, or throw a snake in their lap. No rules, right? 

TALENT RUNS IN THE FAMILY

By brendon July 10, 2008 @ 2:18 AM

So here is the first single from the debut album by Ali Lohan, and you probably think you know how awful it's going to be, but you're wrong. It's way way worse. Musically it's somewhere between video poker music and the sound you hear when you call a fax machine. I'd rather hear gunshots from my child's bedroom than this song again. 

SELMA BLAIR IS CONFUSING ME

By brendon July 10, 2008 @ 2:16 AM

I truly don’t understand how Selma Blair is doing any of this.  I think it might be magic.  Every one of these pictures, of her yesterday in Manhattan, is nothing less than an attack that mocks my understanding of the physical world.  For starters, she’s clearly wearing a see thru shirt, yet I can't see her tits.  Secondly, I can’t even begin to imagine how she got her leg into this position.  That’s what people look like after they fall out of a plane, not when they’re just standing on the corner.  I also don’t get why she’s unbuttoning her shirt in a crowd, or how she gets her hair to do this.  It looks like hair that you would snap onto a Lego character. 



KELLY RIPA IS RIDICULOUS

By brendon July 10, 2008 @ 2:15 AM

Kelly Ripa was the marquee name at the High Heel-A-Thon in Central Park for March of Dimes yesterday in New York, and I realize this won’t win me much street cred, but I would tear her little ass up.  She would walk in the house and I would pounce on her like Dino does when Fred gets home, and for the rest of the weekend she’d have to figure out how to do errands and cook and stuff with me mounting her from behind.  By Sunday I'd need a defibrillator to shock my penis back to life.

(picture source = splash news)



FAIL

By brendon July 10, 2008 @ 1:43 AM

I don’t think it’s too much to ask that if Brooke Hogan wants to do some modeling, she figure out how to model.  Look honey this was your idea, not mine.  I’m not asking her to build a log cabin, just figure out some damn poses that make her look attractive.  These pictures are from a shoot to promote her reality show, "Brooke Knows Best", which premier’s this Sunday on VH1.  Needless to say they suck.  That banner picture is probably supposed to be sexy, but really it just looks like she fell down and the camera went off accidentally.  I like to call this, "okay you can breathe now."  In this one she looks like Dennis Hopper in the movie "Super Mario Brothers", a statement which pulls the rare feat of insulting everyone involved all at once.