The good news is that these pictures show Natalie Portman in a short skirt, writhing around on top of a guy with only one thing on her mind. In fact she rocks up and down with such passion that her skirt flies up again and again and you can see her panties. The bad news is that every single thing you just read was done in the most unsatisfying way possible.
You may recognize Joakim Noah if you’re a fan of the Chicago Bulls or police reports about pot or movies where someone travels back 4000 years in a time machine, but he’s the one getting humped in the ocean by the beautiful topless girl in these pictures. In what may be a headline around the world, it turns out that hot girls will do you if you’re rich enough, even if it means your vacation pictures will look like wild animal attack footage from Brazil.
In December, Madonna, who is 50, started dating Brazilian model Jesus Luz, who is 22. They we’re still dating in March when Madonna was making plans to adopt a little girl in Africa. Then on March 23rd, the adoption agency said, “The news she is linked to a young man less than half her age makes us question her morals.” This put the adoption in jeopardy, so five days later, while on her way to Africa to adopt that kid, she made a public announcement that she had broken up with Jesus.
You may find this hard to believe, but the adoption agency was not fooled by Madonnas insultingly lazy sham breakup, and they went on to deny her adoption.
Then a miracle happened, Madonna got back together with Jesus! And now, according to the NY Daily News, they may get pretend married!
According to Jesus Luz’s papa, Madonna and his son are definitely tying the knot, kabbalah style. “I don’t know if there will, in fact, be a real marriage between Madonna and my son. It will be a type of ritual, but I do not know [if the ceremony] will have legal validity.”
It does not. But it should. Maybe Kaballah needs more kinds of magic string. Maybe they could sell an enchanted black string that turns things into laws. And a white one that makes you invisible, and a yellow one that conjures up a guardian dragon. There’s really no limit to what these omnipotent twist-ties can do.
If you enjoy John Wayne impressions or seeing a white guy do a scandalous jive-talkin black guy character, hold on to your funny bones, because according to Entertainment Weekly, “Robin Williams will resume his ‘Weapons of Self-Destruction’ stand-up tour, which he had to postpone in March to have heart surgery, this fall.”
Robin went on David Letterman last night to promote the tour and talk about his surgery, and if that was any indication, you can either go to one of the 29 remaining tour dates or you could watch any random clip from 1982. Like this one. It’ll be the exact same thing. And by that I mean, “hilarious!” Last night with Dave, he pretended to be talking in Spanish at one point, and if you think that was wacky, later (a little after 3:00 here) he did a “yo yo yo, I’m a rapper” routine. I couldn’t believe it, I was all like, “Oh No He Di’ent, haha!” This guy doesn’t care whose toes he steps on!
WARNING – if you watch the entire thing keep your finger over the pause button because the jokes comes lightning fast. For example he mentions that he got a valve from a cow during his heart surgery and then he said, “and the grazing has been nice.” At first I thought, “well that was an unusual thing to say. He’s not a cow he’s a person, why would…” But then I got it. He was joking around, as if getting a heart valve from a cow had given him some tendencies a cow may have. Get it? Awesome, right?
For the write-up on number 6 in the Maxim Hot 100, Eliza Dushku talks about seeing her tattoos naked while in the shower, and Maxim writes, “you’ve delivered a roundhouse kick to our heartstrings”.
Let’s just let that sink in for a second, shall we?
Keep in mind this is Maxims biggest issue of the year, and they couldn’t even get past number 6 without sounding like complete imbeciles who collectively know a total of two people who have ever even kissed a girl. And one of those people was their dad. And the other one was Spiderman.
And, I assume this goes without saying, but to have Jennifer Love Chewitt within 9 spots of Megan Fox on a “hot” list is so alarmingly god damn dumb, it should get you automatically fired. Fired, and then robbed, and thrown into the parking lot and beaten with pipes, then sent off to live on an island with monsters on it.
One time on Opie and Anthony, Patrice O’Neal said, “A beautiful 35-year-old ain’t as as good lookin’ as an ugly 19-year-old.” And because that might be the most brilliant thing anyone anywhere has ever said ever, keep it in mind forever, but specifically when, oh hey look, it’s 43-year-old Cindy Crawford in LA today filming a commercial for Australian TV. It’s not that she looks bad, far from it, but … ya know. Megan Fox could be dead for 12 hours and I would still rather go down on her than do it with todays Cindy Crawford.
Holly Madison doesn’t seem like someone with much of a sense of humor, like someone who would be entertaining or fun to hang out with, so this should work out nicely because the same could be said for Russell Brand.
Holly and Russell met in Las Vegas at a party thrown by rapper JAY-Z after RICKY HATTON’s thrashing 11 days ago.
A source in Vegas said: “Russell has really hit it off with Holly. She’s a big star in the US, which he finds really attractive.
“And his constant tomfoolery has her in stitches. Russ has been making late-night visits to her home in the Hollywood Hills.
“He’s been there three times in the past week and neighbours have heard them ‘enjoying themselves’ loudly.”
I’ll be the first to admit Brand was good in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” but Jesus Christ is he annoying in real life. His monologue at the MTV Awards last year couldn’t have been any more awful unless behind him they we’re showing live footage of a crocodile sneaking up behind a baby panda.
Jessica Biel and her dork boyfriend went jogging along the Chelsea Pier yesterday, and OH MY God what a surprise it is that Justin runs like a nerd. Jessica looks like a fitness model on the cover of a running magazine while Justin pumps his fists and flails his arms like a little girl getting chased by a bee.