Christina Aguilera arrested for public intoxication

By brendon March 01, 2011 @ 11:04 AM

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Matthew Rutler, the KFed to Christina Aguileras tubby and eventually crazy Britney, was arrested early this morning for driving under the influence, but in his defense he had to drive because Christina was even drunker.

People says…

The two were booked at a West Hollywood Sheriff’s station at 2:45 a.m.
According to TMZ’s report, a law enforcement source says that Aguilera, 30, who was booked on a misdemeanor charge, was “extremely intoxicated” and “unable to take care of herself.”

I’m not a man who prays very often, but pplleeaassee let that mean that she pee’d on herself.

CBS has asked John Stamos about replacing Charlie Sheen

By brendon February 28, 2011 @ 4:56 PM

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Everyone seems to understand this but Charlie Sheen, but Charlie Sheen is crazy now. Earlier today his longtime publicist Stan Rosenfield resigned, saying

“I worked with Charlie Sheen for a long time and I care about him very much, however, at this time, I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned.”

To which Sheen replied with equal dignity and poise.

“Pussy. He’s not allowed to quit, so you’re fired.”

A lawyer for Sheen has also now sent a letter to CBS demanding he get paid for the 8 episodes of Two and a Half Men that they had to cancel because of him, but CBS has lawyers too, and they’re way better than Charlie Sheens, so instead of cowering in fear and catering to his every whim, they’re in active talks to replace him. E! says…

While Charlie Sheen was on a press tour this weekend, CBS’ top boss was on a quest to save Two and a Half Men.
I just got word that Les Moonves had a nice chat with John Stamos on Saturday about replacing Sheen on the hit sitcom.
Sources exclusively tell me that Moonves approached Stamos at Jeffrey Katzenberg’s Night Before benefit at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
“They were at the bar talking and Les asked John if he’d be interested in replacing Charlie,” one source says. “It wouldn’t be to play Charlie’s character but they talked more about introducing a new character.”

It seems unlikely that this would work but the show was doomed anyway because of Sheens behavior over the past month. Still I bet the cast is looking forward to working with someone who isn’t being kept alive by stabbing a gallon of cocaine into his heart every morning.

Charlie Sheen is suing CBS, demands an apology

By brendon February 28, 2011 @ 12:38 PM

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Charlie Sheen was on both Good Morning America and the Today show this morning, though the two interviews were essentially interchangeable since he was way too high to make any sense in either one.

He didn’t say how he got to the interview all the way from Fantasyland, but I assume he rode there on a griffin, because the highlight was him saying that CBS owes him an apology, “publicly, while licking my feet”, and him going into great detail about how much he loves drugs, but that he would consider going back to work on Two and a Half Men, if he got a raise from $1.8 million an episode to 3 million, PLUS a 20 million dollar signing bonus.

And to sweeten the pot even more, as if CBS needed it, he’s also suing them.

On ABC, Sheen said to correspondent Andrea Canning that he planned to sue his bosses.
“Wouldn’t you? I’ve got a whole family to support and love. People beyond me are relying on that. I’m here to collect. They’re going to lose. They’re going to lose in a courtroom, so I would recommend that they settle out of court.”

And if that still wasn’t enough to convince CBS to sign him to a huge new contract, maybe this love letter he wrote to cocaine and getting high will.

Sheen said that he’s bored now with cocaine. But he said he “exposed people to magic” when they partied with him and that he loved doing drugs.
“What’s not to love?” he said on ABC. “Especially when you see how I party. It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children.”
“I am on a drug,” Sheen said. “It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

If he does another interview I hope someone flicks the lights off real quick because I bet he’s so high that he would glow in the dark. I’d also like to see them put some plants near him and a timer on the screen to watch how quickly they die.

Mila Kunis was in third

By brendon February 28, 2011 @ 10:29 AM

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It’s a shame Mila Kunis doesn’t have bigger tits, because she at least tried to show them off last night at the Academy Awards, and that really means a lot to me. I really appreciate that. That’s why I emailed her some pictures of my dong, and she can use those to look at when she masturbates or whatever. I don’t want her to think this is a one way street.

Scarlett Johansson was in second

By brendon February 28, 2011 @ 10:03 AM

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Like most girls, Scarlett Johansson looks best when she looks a little slutty, so when she arrived at the Academy Awards in a backless dress and tousled hair like she got drilled all night and didn’t have time to fix it, it was the best she had looked in a long time.

She probably would have looked even better than Jennifer Lawrence if she would have shown off her tits some more, but keep in mind that “show me your tits” is pretty much my solution to everything.

Jennifer Lawrence won the Academy Awards

By brendon February 28, 2011 @ 8:12 AM

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Jennifer Lawrence didn’t win the Oscar last night for Best Actress, but she’s only 20, so the fact that she even got a nomination for her work in Winters Bone is remarkable.  Almost as remarkable as the way her dress clung to her ass. Even if I had telepathy and mind control, this is still exactly what she would have worn and posed like.

probably the worst Academy Award telecast ever

By brendon February 28, 2011 @ 7:39 AM

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The 2011 Academy Awards were last night, and the big winner was The Kings Speech, the inspiring story of king who sits in his castle and eventually gives a speech on the radio without fucking it up.

The big loser was True Grit, which not only went 0 for 10, but had it’s ending broadcast on the air when Oscar producers needed 5 seconds of footage for an editing award and decided to show the part where the bad guy dies and the surprise person responsible for it.

Another big loser was Kirk Douglas, who terrified the shit out of everyone and then wouldn’t leave. Child birth videos are more comfortable to watch than that was, and probably have better jokes.

Read more >

Michael Douglas thinks he can fight

By brendon February 25, 2011 @ 6:31 PM







Entertainment Tonight has video of Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas in London last night, and as they went from their car to their hotel, Jones started screaming hysterically that one of the paparazzi punched her. Then Douglas called the guy an asshole, pushed him, and told him to “get the fuck out of here with that.”

After that he strutted away triumphantly, still undefeated in fights against people who just stand there. Toddlers on swings get pushed harder than that paparazzi was, and it’s not like he was going to punch a 66-year-old who died 4 months ago. I’ve had tougher fights while trying to fold a fitted sheet.

(image source = pacific coast)