george clooney is a good person

By brendon January 21, 2010 @ 8:02 PM

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The big Haiti telethon is tomorrow night, to be aired live on dozens of stations with sexy Hollywood stars staffing the phones, and not only did George Clooney organize much of it, now he’s set the bar with a 1 million dollar donation. E! online says…

He’s not the first—and we hope won’t be the last—but the consummate movie star is the latest to make a $1 million donation to the Haiti relief efforts.
He joins the rarified world of Sandra Bullock, Gisele Bündchen and Brangelina in making the milestone personal donation, which, as it happens, is his second seven-figure offering in as many weeks.

OK I know I just asked this same thing, but what’s the deal with this. Look, I don’t even really know where Haiti is, I have no animosity towards them. I hope the telethon is a big hit, I hope people give, I hope Haiti gets back on their feet, but what’s the deal here. Are they trying to fix it like it was before, or does Haiti need a whole new country? Because even before the quake the buildings and roads look like Earth on that ‘Life After People’ show, except Haiti has people. What have they been doing for 300 years? How do we know what buildings to fix? How do we know which ones were broken by the earthquake and what ones were already fucked up? I’m not so sure you should get a new building just because you broke the other one. Are we just taking their word on this? How does that work? If you were an insurance agent, and someone wrecked their 95 Accord, you wouldn’t give them a Maybach would you? This is exactly like that, except in this case the person didn’t have any insurance, and instead of a 95 Accord they had a rusty bike with no seat.

heidi wants to go bigger

By brendon January 21, 2010 @ 8:00 PM

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Tyler has had a Heidi Montag ban for 7 months now, but I’m not clairvoyant. I didn’t know she was gonna do this. I didn’t know she was gonna improve herself with 10 plastic surgeries and get DDD implants.

DDD. Breasts. There’s nothing wrong with your monitor, and yes you read that right. D. D. D. Also called F, but they should just go with 3D because that’s what they are. In other words, I had no idea she was gonna look this awesome. Honestly, she looks terrific. She’s like a young, slutty, eager to please Faith Hill now. Which is to say, a much better version of Faith Hill. But, as most amazing women are, Heidi is not content to settle for second best. The Sun says…

HEIDI MONTAG (says) her triple D boobs still aren’t big enough.
She boasted: “I like the F. I actually want H for Heidi.”
Work on the 23-year-old blonde also included buttock augmentation, neck liposuction, brow lift, chin reduction, Botox in her forehead and fat injected into her cheeks, mouth area and lips.
She added: “I look like an improved version of myself.”

Hahaha, that’s right Heidi, you sure do! What a charming woman! But this isn’t all happy news, because of course some people are criticizing her. Probably fat people because they hate sexy people like me and Heidi and me. If science can do this, why not? What are we, druids? Go ride your horse to the creek and eat some boiled meat and grits if you don’t like it, Fred Flintstone.

rihanna might have chosen another chris brown

By brendon January 21, 2010 @ 5:17 PM

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Girls take it personally when you punch them in the face a dozen times like Chris Brown did to Rihanna last February, so she left him, eventually. Things seemed to be picking up for her just a few weeks ago, when she was seen in Mexico with Matt Kemp of the LA Dodgers. He has to be better than Brown, right? Um, well…

a Star investigation reveals that Matt has been accused of having his own anger management issues, including violence toward women.
In June 2008, actress Felisha Terrell filed a restraining order against the 6’4″, 220-lb. ballplayer accusing him of threatening, intimidating and stalking her. “He is violent and I am afraid.”
Rihanna’s friends are afraid, too.
“You’d think after what she went through with Chris, RiRi would be extra careful … It’s almost as if she has a dark side, an attraction to bad boys.”

They say people can do this sort of thing. If Rihanna is attracted to angry, abusive guys, she’ll find and date an angry, abusive guy, even though by all outward appearances he seems perfectly normal. The same way girls with low-self esteem can identify and latch on to sexual predators all too eager to take advantage of that (*).

(*) “don’t I know it, heh-heh-heh”

telethons dont care about kanye people

By brendon January 21, 2010 @ 4:41 PM

The last time Kanye West was involved with a telethon after a natural disaster, it went just great, and yet he’s reportedly been banned from the telethon currently being organized by George Clooney to raise money for the warlords who are gonna steal it the good people devastated by the earthquake in Haiti. PopEater says…

“After what he said on the Katrina telethon and the way he behaved at the MTV Video Music Awards, everyone agrees it’s just best that he does not participate,” a producing partner told me. “Kayne has to make everything about himself. He will do anything to steal the spotlight and, well, this night it’s just not about him.”

This is dumb because Kanye seemed genuinely sorry after the Taylor Swift thing. He’d be fine. Why do they need a telethon anyway? Haiti is the poorest country on earth, and even before the earthquake it looked like the future in a video game about zombies. How much could it really cost to fix that? Wasn’t most of that stuff broken anyway? This seems like a trick. Are we even sure there was an earthquake? You’re not foolin me, Haiti. I’m on to your little game.

lindsay is cutting herself again and lying about it

By brendon January 21, 2010 @ 3:06 PM

Lindsay & Ali Lohan Out In St Barts (USA ONLY)

When Lindsay Lohan was in St. Barths two weeks ago, people who become alarmed about this sort of thing became alarmed when pictures showed what seemed to be fresh scarring on the inside of her arm. Considering Lindsay has cut in the past, and her mom has admitted as much, people began to wonder if she was doing it again. But Lindsay says that’s crazy talk.

“I’ve had that scar on my arm for a very long time now – it’s funny it’s just being noticed. I had surgery a while ago for an injury I had when I was younger, nothing having to do with depression or anything of the sort. Now back off, people! There are more important world issues to focus on!”

She must be referring to some past life because she didn’t have that scar in July, or August, or September. Does she even know what surgery is, or the parts of the body and what they do, because there’s nothing even there. What did she have operated on, her freckles? If what she says is true, she needs a new doctor, because that scar looks like he did the surgery with nothing but two forks and some matches.

conan just got paid

By brendon January 21, 2010 @ 12:19 PM

Just seven months after he took the job as host of the Tonight Show, Conan O’Brien and NBC agreed early this morning on a buy-out for the remainder of his contract, which will allow NBC to replace Conan with Jay Leno. The New York Times says…

The deal is worth a reported $44 million.
Network spokeswoman Allison Gollust confirmed the deal early Thursday but did not offer any other details. Earlier, The Wall Street Journal reported that O’Brien will get $32 million and that the network agreed to pay his staff $12 million in severance.

And to make sure they pissed away as much money as possible, NBC caved on the “mitigation” clause. If that were still in place, and Conan had signed a deal with Fox paying him 25M a year for example, then NBC would only have been responsible for 7 of the 32M. Now he gets 32 no matter what.

So, to recap, Conan hosted a very successful and popular talk show on NBC for 16 years, but then his show moved 60 minutes earlier and NBC decided he forgot how to host a talk show. Then they freaked the fuck out and panicked like some kind of woman. By some accounts this will cost NBC $250 million, partially because of lost ad revenue but mostly between moving Conan, firing Conan, hiring Jimmy Fallon, and creating a show for Leno. It’s fiscal leadership like this that took NBC from a $1.8 billion profit 8 years ago to a $600 million loss this year. Horny 16-year-olds think about the consequences of their actions better than this. You could take Steve Jobs, chase him with a bear, and he still would have figured this all out better than NBC did.

afternoon headlines

By brendon January 20, 2010 @ 7:46 PM

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NBC - doesn’t mind paying Conan O’Brien and his staff between 30 and 40 million as severance because it feels it can make 40M in profit the first year Leno comes back. This despite the fact that Lenos numbers dropped every year since 2005, and NBC only made 25M during his final year as host. It’s progressive thinking like this that guided them to a 600M loss this year. That should turn around soon though. In fact just last week they signed a development deal with the agent for Brittany Murphy. She’s so hot right now.

SPIDER-MAN 4 - will be directed by Mark Webb. His credits on IMDb look like this:

2009 – ’500 Days of Summer’
2005 – ‘Jesse McCartney Up Close’

You didn’t just black out by the way. He made a documentary about Jesse McCartney 5 years ago and then a movie nobody saw and now ‘Spider-Man 4′. Obviously he got the job because it’s Spider-Man and his name is “Webb” and Hollywood is run by fucking retards. He better sign his contract fast, before they find a directer named Peter Parker or Steven Spyderman.

CARRIE AMSTUTZ - was on the beach in Miami today, and to be honest I’m not entirely sure who she is, but love is like that sometimes. It’s a mystery filled with unexpected twists and surprises. (splash news online)

amanda holden is kind of hot

By brendon January 20, 2010 @ 6:01 PM

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You probably know who Amanda Holden is even if you don’t recognize her name, because she’s that hot ass judge on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ that everyone saw on the clips of Susan Boyle and the little girl singing ‘Over The Rainbow’ and so on and so on. But today she was down on the beach in Antigua, stripped down to a bikini.

I wish I was there with her so she could judge my special talent, which luckily enough involves humping Amanda Holden for 24 hours straight without dying.

(source = splash news online)