Miami looks fun

By brendon August 24, 2009 @ 4:29 PM


Actress Carla Velli is kind of like the Scarlett Johansson of Italy, and I have no idea if that’s true or not but people are always saying dumb shit like that so it might be true, and if we all just kind of agree that she is or at least might be the Scarlett Johansson of Italy and then drop it, then it sort of becomes relevant to this page and we can sit back and leer at the pictures of her topless yesterday in Miami. I know which one I’m doin. Join me, won’t you?

(hq jump here. 10 more, the good ones, here. source = splash news online)

what in the hell is that

By brendon August 24, 2009 @ 3:18 PM


I know it’s not very nice to post swimsuit pictures of Helena Bonham Carter this weekend in Malibu, and specifically to crop those pictures to highlight… whatever the hell that is that we’re looking at, but she should have thought of that 30 minutes earlier when she was getting dressed. As she battled her swimsuit and tried to pull it up and over all the waves of person, with things sloshing around inside like when you have a big drink in your car and you take a turn too fast. It probably looked like she was trying to shove an octopus into her uterus, except less erotic than that made it sound.

Oh, the excitement

By brendon August 24, 2009 @ 12:59 PM


Mean Suvari hit up Azure, the pool at Palazzo in Vegas, this weekend, and … ooff.  I always forget how unsatisfying it is to look at girls who are this flat.  And I don’t even know what she could do about it.  When you’re this flat even implants aren’t an option because they never look right.  Man, maybe I won’t get that sex change after all.

They’re all whores

By brendon August 24, 2009 @ 11:34 AM


Last week the big story was a leaked “sex” tape with “Greys Anatomy” star Eric Dane, his wife Rebecca Gayheart and former Miss Teen USA and Playboy model Kari-Ann Peniche.

Back in May the big story was when Mark Ebner posted a list of ex-Playboy models who will have sex with random men and women in exchange for money (here).

Okay now try and guess what those two stories have in common. The Daily News says…

…sources tell us (Peniche) freely admitted to once being in the sex-for-hire business.
Country singer Mindy McCready tells us Peniche revealed that she hooked up guys with hookers when the two ladies were roommates on VH-1′s “Celebrity Rehab” show.
“Did she say she’d been a madam?” says McCready. “She sure did.”
Bodyguard Joey Gonzalez recalls, “Kari Ann wanted to hire me to follow a girl who worked for her – who she said was skimming money and stealing clients. I declined. But she bragged about how her girls could make $15,000 a month. She introduced me to one girl who told me she’d just gotten a boob job Kari Ann had paid for.”

People like Keri-Ann take advantage of these girls. They may be beautiful on the outside but on the inside they’re often plagued by self-doubt and insecurities, and if the right person comes along it doesn’t take much to turn them from professional models to professional prostitutes.

(Brendon counts his money. “Don’t I know it, heh-heh-heh.”)

Morning Headlines

By brendon August 24, 2009 @ 10:35 AM


WEEKEND BOX OFFICE – “Inglourious Basterds” crushed this weekend, pulling in 65.1M worldwide. This is good news for director Quentin Tarantino and star Brad Pitt, two big names who don’t always deliver box office. A friend of mine almost didn’t go see it but I told her she should. And then I kidnapped her sister to let her know I meant business. (variety)

CURRENT SONG – the remix of “Superstar” from Lupe Fiasco, featuring Young Jeezy and TI. Not only does Jeezy put out awesome records, he was all but unstoppable if you took him in Def Jam Icon on the 360. (superstar = here)

LINDSAY LOHAN – was robbed again this weekend for the 2nd time in 3 months. The suspects reportedly took several watches and removed a wall safe.  They would have taken more but Lindsay was beginning to suspect they weren’t really pizza delivery men.  (the ap)

JENNIFER TILLY – turns 51 in 3 weeks, but still looks better than most when she goes to the pool.  And she has that sexy voice.  Long story short, I fucked her.  (source = fame)

He killed himself

By brendon August 24, 2009 @ 7:42 AM


Ryan Jenkins, the dude who was a finalist on the VH1 show “Megan Wants a Millionaire” last month but more to the point chopped up his wife and shoved her in a suitcase last week, was found dead last night in a secluded budget motel in British Columbia, Canada. And this isn’t really related but you can get some kick ass weed up there. The AP says…

On Sunday evening, police responded to a call from motel staff about a dead person, and then called investigators who were part of the manhunt for Jenkins.
The manager of The Thunderbird Motel and his nephew said they found Jenkins hanging from the bar of a coat rack by a belt. They said a young woman had checked him in to the two-story inn surrounded by trees.

I’m glad they mentioned what the motel was surrounded by. It would have ruined the whole story had I not known. And even though he went out like a panicky little woman, other motel guests said Jenkins last days were grim.

Walker said he saw a man walk past his own balcony at the motel — a man who would later turn out to be Jenkins.
“In no way shape or form did he look like the man on TV,” he said. “He looked spent.”
“He didn’t look like the Ryan Jenkins I’d seen. He looked like a man at the end of his rope.”

Hahaha. I just wanted to include that part about him being at the end of his rope. And one of the cops said, “The ring was tightening around him.” I like to think these Canadians were doing a bunch of hanging puns but probably not. “I told him to hang in there. Times would be tough but if he tightened his belt he’d get through it.”

I think it was the Egyptians who used to take a cow and slice open it’s stomach and then sew a prisoner inside it up to his neck, where only his head was sticking out. The mans knees were pulled up to his chest and bound along with his hands and feet so he wasn’t going anywhere. Then they would put the dead cow on the bank of a river and just let it bake in the sun. So the dude would sit there in this rotting flesh with that smell and ooze and all the bugs crawling on his face, and of course crocodiles and buzzards and all that. I wish there was some way to bring this Ryan dude back to life so we could kill him again like that. But we probably wouldn’t be allowed to, now that all these pussy Democrats are in charge.

Brad Pitt is fussy

By brendon August 21, 2009 @ 6:28 PM

Brad Pitt has done commercials before that aired only in Japan, but the two newest stand out because they’re directed by the great Spike Jonze. His idea was for Pitt to act real prissy and set it to awesome music (Department of Eagles, by the way). Some translation error must have made the Japanese think Pitt was gonna get chased through a spaceship by a 6-foot penis in a cowboy hat, because the Japanese are nuts, and there’s no way they approved this artistic beauty crap.

(2nd commercial on Jonzes site here. DL this song for free here.)

The USA kicks ass

By brendon August 21, 2009 @ 4:14 PM


Ashley Roberts of the Pussycat Dolls hit the beach in Malibu yesterday, and look how peaceful and pristine our beaches are here in America. Doesn’t that look relaxing. The other countries where bikini pictures come from usually suck ass. The beach is super crowded and some dirty kids will be chasing a chicken. Everything is real shitty and broken. It’s like they’re in the future, but not the good future. The Terminator one.