Bill Clinton Smarter Than You Thought

By Lex June 01, 2015 @ 12:20 PM


Politically aligned or not, We all assumed Bill Clinton was some kind of Jed Clampett country bumpkin. This shamelessly sinister dude has been raking in the dough and the snatch like an urban gangster since he left office fifteen years ago. The latest tale of New Jack Clinton involves the former President refusing to speak at the charity that supports victims of that Indian Ocean earthquake tsunami in 2004 unless model Petra Nemcova agreed to hand him $500,000 in thanks for helping us out cash. Nemcova has been a spokesperson for the charity since clinging to a tree for survival in the very same tsunami that wiped out a solid chunk of the Thai coastline where Gary Glitter used to sex tour. In 2014, the charity relented and Clinton got paid. No pro athlete has ever held out for more cash with such grace and tact. Call it cynical cash grubbing if you will, I’d like to have this dude back at 1600 Pennsylvania. His secret fetish is plain old banging chicks and he’s shrewd when it comes to money. Hillary can only claim one of those.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Prince Andrew, Clinton, Dershowitz, Somebody Shnozzed This Underaged Girl

By Lex January 07, 2015 @ 9:17 AM

I don’t get squeamish very often. Cockroaches crawling out of cadavers’ eye sockets, movies where Jody Foster is supposed to be alluring. That kind of stuff still makes me shudder. So do stories about rich old white men banging underaged girls at sex parties. Maybe it’s because I intend to be a rich old white man some day and I hate the negative labeling. Or because I could foresee having a daughter and wanting to murder all those exploitative fuckers with a rusty bucket to their skulls repeatedly.

Virginia Roberts is creating quite a stir because she claims in a new civil law suit that she was one of a number of teen girls creepy already convicted Wall Street financier Jeffrey Epstein kept as an underaged virtual sex slave for use by himself and his buddies in the late 90′s and early 00′s. Epstein already went to jail on a sentence that somehow got drastically reduced by the Bush White House. No, Obama didn’t invent cash for favors at 1600 Pennsylvania. Among other names Roberts fingered for diddling her and the other girls at Epstein’s get-togethers were Prince Andrew, the British Royal nobody gives a shit about, Bill Clinton, and law professor Alan Dershowitz. Prince Andrew and Alan Dershowitz have categorically denied any involvement. Though Prince Andrew’s denial was tempered by a photo of himself with his arm around Virginia around the time of these events. Bill Clinton responded with a fuck yeah I did, wait, underaged? No, that wasn’t me. Hilary, don’t get out the belt!

The Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi recently got booted in Italy when it was discovered he was having sex parties for himself and his crotchety old rich friends at his vacation villa and that some of the girls involved were underaged. I guess this Eyes Wide Shut business is more real than just metrosexual fiction. It’s always an interesting battle when girls with aggressive lawyers looking for a latter day paycheck run into scheming misers who think they’re above the law. There is no natural rooting interest.

Naturally, Vivid has jumped in to offer Virginia Roberts, now in her 30′s, a big hunk of cash to appear in one of their celebrity sex tapes. I’m certain her lawyers are advising her to wait for the bigger hush the fuck up payday before adventuring into adult entertainment and ruining her sympathy card for any potential jury. But eventually because life is pretty awesome we will get to see her naked somehow. Then we can categorically deny it. Because those denials are irrefutable.

Photo credit: UK Daily Mail

Bill Clinton Still Likes to Bone

By Matt July 22, 2014 @ 6:47 AM


A new book being released about the Clintons claims Bill has a new mistress. I guess she’s replaced the former mistresses who in turn replaced the interns Bill would ream in the Lincoln Bedroom while Linda Bloodworth-Thomason fingered her pudgy crotch in the corner. Bill’s Secret Service detail has nicknamed the new girl ‘Energizer’ in reference to her nonstop fucking abilities. The book has all the super secret classified details:

“It was a warm day, and she was wearing a low cut tank top, and as she leaned over, her breasts were very exposed. They appeared to be very perky and very new and full…There was no doubt in my mind they were enhanced.”

The unnamed agents claim the chick shows up pretty much any time Hillary leaves the couple’s Westchester mansion to travel to sweaty Emmanuelle destinations with Anthony Weiner’s wife. Fifteen years on I think we’ve finally reached the point where nobody blames Bill for requiring the company of women not in gunt-minimizing pantsuits. At some point, even the most ardent teetotaler hands the alcoholic a bottle so he can get some sleep.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Tom Sizemore Denies His Own Tale of President Clinton Banging Elizabeth Hurley

By Lex February 06, 2014 @ 4:08 PM

Elizabeth Hurley Steps Out In Black In London
Here’s an interesting conundrum. If you’re a fucked up junkie like Tom Sizemore who likes to ramble and rant and have your dick sucked on home video, are you more or less likely to be telling the truth being that you’re not in your right mind? Sure, junkies spew tons of nonsense because they’re brains are like Denny’s soft scrambled eggs. But they also have zero barrier for keeping secrets, which is why we shoot captured warriors full of the same narcotics guys like Tom Sizemore smoke and snort to make them spill their guts. So when Tom Sizemore rants about how Bill Clinton strong-armed him in 1998 into setting up a sexual tryst with Sizemore’s ex-model girlfriend Elizabeth Hurley, was it mindless babbling or God’s honest truth? In a taped recording somebody sold of Tom Sizemore to RadarOnline, the drug-addled formerly righteous actor told of a very detailed encounter with then President Clinton during a Saving Private Ryan screening at the White House, where Bill demanded Hurley’s phone number:

Give it to me. You dumb motherfucker, I’m the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America. The buck stops here. Give me the damn number.

According to Sizemore, Clinton then called Hurley right up and after a quick bit of small talk, the President with the wandering dick moved right into play mode:

Listen Elizabeth, this is the President! I don’t have any time for this shit. I‘m keeping the world from nuclear war all the time. I’m sending a plane to pick you up.

Sizemore rambles on about how Hurley later showed up at the White House, was escorted back into some private area of the residence, and Clinton fucked her brains out for a long weekend. When the Sizemore tapes broke, Elizabeth Hurley immediately denied anything like that shit ever happened and got her lawyers involved. Not long after, Sizemore issued a statement disclaiming his own taped claims as being the ramblings of a fucked up man. But, again, do all the drugs make you a bigger liar or a bigger truth teller? And how many black helicopters were flying over his drug den when he felt compelled to set the record straight.

I doubt any of this shit ever happened. We know Clinton liked to bang girls on the side of the horribly mannish shrew he chose as his wife and career builder. But we also know he preferred the ladies who looked like the fourth most passable waitress at any given Marie Callendars. He was hardly a player in the big leagues. Not that he couldn’t have had JFK like access to tons of Hollywood actresses who thought he was the political messiah, but he preferred his gals with the more easily available truck stop girl appeal. Guys don’t usually move outside their comfort zone, even when they’re keeping the world from nuclear war.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, GQ

Ever Get the Feeling Bill Clinton Is Staring at Your Tits?

By Lex May 28, 2013 @ 4:42 PM

I can respect consistency. Yeah, it’s not so classy I suppose for a gentleman and ex-President to keep peering down at the cleavage of every woman he ran into at a fancy ball in Vienna. And, yes, most men would distinguish between checking out Fergie’s swollen mammaries and popping wood for 78-year old Barbara Eden in her Jeannie costume. But Bill Clinton is a fucking horn dog machine. You can’t take that out of him. There’d be nothing left.


By brendon December 20, 2007 @ 12:39 PM

If anyone gives a shit what I think about politics they're probably too stupid to read anyway, and in fact they're more than likely wacking the toaster right now wondering why it won't go online, so I'm not gonna go into it, but this picture of Hillary Clinton is getting a lot of play in the press this week as people openly debate if we would vote for someone who looks like she just climbed out of a civil war graveyard.  Would you?  We're pretty vain so who knows.  Isn't there some stat that the tallest candidate has always won the presidential election?  That can't be coincidence.  At some point Bill turned into WC Fields, so maybe these two are just cursed, but he has hands like Shaq so you can guess why he made all the girls tumble.  Show off.

(these are all from bauer-griffin, and under "clinton" they had pictures of angelina and jessica biel too, so dont hate)