Chris Brown To Fly Con Air

By Jack April 02, 2014 @ 12:24 PM

Chris Brown is going to have to take a coach seat on con air for his trial in Washington DC. The U.S. attorneys don’t trust the lady beating douchenozzle to get on a plane on his own and not skip the country. So, the prosecution wants his ass shackled and put on a prison transport plane from LA to DC, just like in the awesomely shitty Jerry Bruckheimer flick Con Air. Right now he’s in trouble in LA for parole violations and being a total fucking dirty dick licker. He has to appear in court in DC on April 19th and the attorneys, understandably, think he’s a flight risk. Chris believes the whole thing is totally unfair because he’s technically not a prisoner and should be able to fly first class on United or whatever and get the orange juice in the champagne flute and shit.

I say Con Air is too good for the likes of Chris Brown. They should strap his ass to the hood of a 1989 Chevy pickup truck like a deer carcass and drive cross country. That will give him some time to reflect on his life as he cries for one of his bitches to come pick the bugs out of his teeth. Anger management rehab doesn’t have to be complicated. Whack whack, yeah, your nose is bleeding. You’re done.

Drake Is Officially Plowing Rihanna

By Jack March 17, 2014 @ 1:09 PM

Canadian chode Drake is now officially and exclusively dating Rihanna. The two annoying superstars have been rumored to be hooking up for a while. This has reportedly caused tension between Drake and Rihanna’s former lover, Chris Brown, who thinks he still owns Rihanna because you can still see his knuckle prints in her face. Rihanna really likes Drake because he’s quite and about as exciting as mold growing on a rock. Their private life together is probably equally as lame. I imagine that they get back from antiquing or watching a Canadian hockey game or whatever and settle in for a night How I Met Your Mother on TV. They then eat some leftover vegan Lo Mein and go to bed at 10pm. Maybe they have quick and passionless sex before Drake turns out the lights and cries because his ancestors were once escaped slaves in Egypt with no time for their bread to rise. This relationship should last about Chris Brown released from jail time plus one hour. He’s going to break it up with his anger and what is commonly referred to in professional wrestling parlance as a ‘foreign object’.

Chris Brown Hauled Back to Jail, Was He Ever Even In Jail?

By Lex March 14, 2014 @ 6:20 PM

Chris Brown Partying At 1 Oak Nightclub In Las Vegas

Chris Brown got thrown out of rehab. Again. You’d have to think Anger Rehab has a pretty high rate of rule breakers, and Chris is one of them. He got tossed out of the last place for throwing a rock at his mom’s car when she came to visit. Crazy little scamp. And now he’s been booted again. Apparently it’s not for drugs or violence or even having sexual relations with one of the staff members at rehab, which he did. YOLO. That’s so Chris Brown. But whatever the hell rule he broke, he got tossed which according to his last court order means he has to go back to jail. Which is where the L.A. County Sheriff deputies are escorting him right now. He’ll probably be placed into isolated custody, which means he can only injure himself. They should give him some props and obstacles to contend with.¬†That would be one awesomely angry pay-per-view.

Chris Brown’s Temper Abides

By Jack March 03, 2014 @ 3:53 PM

Musical prodigy¬†Chris Brown has been ordered to stay in anger management rehab for another two months. The judge thinks that Chris is still too much like a teen girl on her first period to be released into the free world. Brown affected meditation during the hearing so he’d look all zen and shit for the judge. His honor wasn’t buying the yogi routine. Brown is going to stay in the facility until April when he goes on trial for assault for the beating of a dude in Washington last year. Brown’s doctors say that he is, to use the clinical term, totally fucked in the head:

“Our clinical team believes Mr Brown became aggressive and acted out physically due to [an] untreated mental health disorder, severe sleep deprivation, inappropriate self-medicating and [post-traumatic stress disorder]“

So, Chris Brown suffers from having a crappy childhood like the rest of us, but the money to buy all-night party hookers and cocaine to drown his demons. I guess people like this should be locked up, or, whatever you call I’m So Angry classes at a beach front property in Malibu. But the world also needs human punching bags that we can collectively agree not to feel bad about beating. You know, the self-important shitty fighters like Shia Labeouf that we get a little thrill when we see them get popped in the nose. Chris Brown sans bodyguards could fill this role. I’d hope the judge would take this into account when arranging his fate.

Chris Brown Isn’t Going To Jail…Again

By Jack February 04, 2014 @ 1:43 PM

Chris Brown has his ass saved from prison lights out penetration once again after a judge dismissed a motion to take him out of rehab to serve time in prison. The screechy chick beating douche is currently serving a 90 day stint in rehab and anger management after beating up a guy in Washington, D.C.. This violated the terms of his probation for having kicked the living dog shit out of Rihanna’s face. Prosecutors wanted Brown to serve some jail time, but the judge said that Chris was doing well in Malibu by the shore and didn’t want to interrupt his tremendous progress in building sandcastles and Tweeting out insipid inspiration messages. Apparently the judge is unable to see the 99.9% likelihood that Brown is playing nice to get himself out of trouble. You might be able to kick drugs and booze but being an asshole psycho is a chronic and incurable affliction.

For now, Brown is safe in his cozy little rehab place sharing his feelings and triggers for violent behavior. Yo yo sometimes I just feel the feelings getting all over me like. For Chris Brown to see jail time, he’d probably have to punch Michelle Obama in the shnozz. I’d hate to see that. Please.

Chris Brown Ruined New Year’s From Rehab

By Lex January 02, 2014 @ 3:46 PM

The staff at Malibu Anger Rehab allows in-patients a half-hour on the villa’s front lawn each day to recreate as they please. Most end up gnawing viciously on the grass and cursing out their whore-bitch of a mother cunt, Chris Brown let his girlfriend chew on his tongue for a New Year’s photo. Chris told Karrueche Tran to keep on biting until the flood of memories of his childhood rapes had all passed before his eyes. It can take some time if all the various farm animals and inanimate objects are included. When it was all over, Karrueche Tran posted the photos to Twitter with the following genius poem:

Getting chrae on New Years Day

I’m pretty certain that’s iambic pentameter. I’m sure it sounds like a rhyme when spoken in her voice. I suspect it won’t be for some time before Karrueche realizes that her future dating pool now consists entirely of men who have no access to the Internet.