R. Kelly Thinks Chris Brown Is Jesus

By Jack December 10, 2013 @ 6:02 PM

R. Kelly came to the defense of fellow creepy singer Chris Brown by comparing him to Muhammed Ali, Martin Luther King, and Jesus Christ. Kelly was giving an interview for his new album Black Panties when the subject of his many controversies came up. You know, like him peeing on underaged girls on sex tapes and generally being a weird asshole. But how in the name of Christ can Chris Brown be like Jesus? He says of the haters that,

“I feel sorry for them, not Chris Brown, because he’s obviously one strong individual to be able to do what he’s done. He got knocked down a little bit and he climbed up. You know, that sounds like Ali to me. That sounds like Martin Luther King to me. That sounds like a lot of the greats that have walked this earth. It even sounds a little bit like Jesus to me.”

Umm, it’s been a while since I read the Good Book but I’m pretty sure Jesus never beat any girls so bad they had to go to the hospital. Martin Luther King never had a neck tattoo and a coke habit and Ali isn’t in anger rehab right now throwing rocks through his mom’s car window. What is it with rappers claiming to be like Jesus? Kanye literally thinks he’s a god and regularly compares himself to people like MLK. Guys, you figured out how to rhyme words over someone else’s beats. You aren’t special. You’re lucky.

Chris Brown Denied Weed In Rehab

By Jack November 27, 2013 @ 1:19 PM

Chris Brown is having a little bit of trouble adjusting to anger management rehab. The reason? They took his weed away. It seems that Chris got into an altercation with the staff when they wouldn’t let him carry his dank stash into the facility. You know, since they’re pretending it’s rehab and all. He agreed to give up his phone and the Internet but said that the weed was medically prescribed for depression by his lauded physician, Dr. Greenthumb. The staff wasn’t buying it. But now they’ve got an unmedicated Chris Brown on their hands. Guess who’s going to suffer the most here? My guess is one if not all of the rehab staffers will be tossing a pound of Strawberry Cough into Chris’ room by Friday.

Chris Brown Ordered to Rehab for Being Thrown Out of Rehab

By Lex November 21, 2013 @ 6:53 PM

I remember voting in favor of ballot initiatives in California that send non-violent drug arrests to rehab instead of prison. I guess I didn’t read the fine print that said violent celebrity offenders also included. Chris Brown got kicked out of rehab for throwing a rock through the window of his mom’s car because she thought he should stay in rehab. He was in rehab for punching a dude in the face in D.C. Those seem like violent acts, but I guess it was technically gravity that caused the rock to smash through his mom’s window and in D.C., Chris was just helping his nation sign up less than willing younger people for ObamaCare. Celebrity jurisprudence decided to send Chris back to rehab as penalty for being booted out of rehab. On top of that, the ever popular community service. Except that Chris has only completed 20 hours of his 1000 hours of community service still on the books from his super non-violent hit and run earlier this year. It turns out, community service makes Chris Brown depressed. Which makes him a little less tough than Lindsay Lohan who did her 480 hours in the County Coroner’s office, drinking Stoly and toe-tagging bodies without so much as a whimper.

Anger Rehab Made Chris Brown So Angry

By Lex November 20, 2013 @ 4:44 PM


You’d think that violent outbursts in Anger Rehab were pretty common. Sort of like counselors discovering Courtney Love’s special rehab pillow cases were made entirely out of edible Oxycodone. Just a by-product of the environment. Apparently not so according to TMZ (who now uses ALL CAPS for emphasis since hiring teams of pre-menstrual high school girls to cover their celebrity beat):

Chris Brown went into a VIOLENT RAGE while in rehab earlier this month for his anger issues … TMZ has learned … throwing objects and breaking them. We’re told the rehab facility wanted him OUT after the incident … and that’s why he bailed after only 2 weeks.

According to TMZ, who is either right or about to forget to print a retraction, the D.A. is going to ask for Chris Brown’s Rihanna-beating probation to be revoked today. Getting kicked out of rehab does look pretty bad on the bullshit celebrity ‘I’m not a criminal, I’m sick’ legal defense resume. Is today the day Chris Brown finally gets his comeuppance behind lock and key? If I close my eyes, I can already see Chris sobbing out Look at Me Now while being given a forcible colonoscopy, but my Magic 8 Ball here says the outlook is not so good. The Magic 8 Ball is completely random, though still statistically 47% more accurate than TMZ.

Chris Brown Is Already Done With Anger Rehab

By Travis November 15, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Singer Chris Brown checked himself into rehab on October 29 after he was accused of assaulting a man in Washington DC, and he had agreed to voluntarily spend up to three months as a patient at a Malibu facility in order to get to the bottom of his rage and violence issues. But fuck all of that, because he has already checked out after just 16 days, and, according to Radar, his people say that he’s going to serve out the rest of his treatment on an outpatient basis while “completing his community service in the Los Angeles area.” So if you’re out and about in L.A. and you see Chris picking up trash, don’t be afraid to tell him that he sucks, because he totally won’t flip out on you and try to kill you. A cured man would never do such a thing.

Photo Credit: WENN.com

Chris Brown Sues Woman Suing Him Because He’s Bored

By Lex November 13, 2013 @ 2:09 PM

From deep within his Anger Management rehab lair in Malibu, Chris Brown is still effectively managing his personal empire like a stalwart mafia don on the inside. Step one, sue some opportunistic chick who’s suing him for knocking her to the ground at a nightclub last summer. Chris claims he’s innocent. To clear his good name, he’s suing Deanna Gines for defaming him by suing him. It all makes sense if you pay your Century City attorneys by the hour and you’re bored as fuck in fake rehab. You’d think Chris might have more important things on his mind as he faces jail for violating his probation in his latest assault case. But you’d be wrong. He doesn’t have important things on his mind. He’s Chris Brown.

Photo Credit: Deanna Gines/ExploreTalent.com