Chris Brown Held Hostage, Day Who Gives a Fuck

By Lex July 24, 2015 @ 8:49 AM


The Philippines are holding Chris Brown in lock down in Manilla because he fucked over a powerful church group by ditching out on a planned concert this past New Year’s Eve. According to the Church and Christ group, they fronted Brown one million clams and Brown stiffed them with some lame excuse and I guess forgot to return the cash. When Chris Brown showed up on Tuesday to perform in Manilla, the local authorities informed him he wasn’t going anywhere until he dealt with defrauding tons of distraught Pacquiaos on New Years.

Chris Brown has taken to Instagram beseeching his fans and Obama to help him get the fuck out of the Philippines, asking what it is he needs to do in order to leave. I’m guessing the answer to that is around one million dollars. Plus maybe a half dozen ’03 Corollas with red bows. If Brown hadn’t blown off his street gang cohorts for robbing his house, they’d probably be building a Kon Tiki raft right now to go rescue his ass. Once you view this not as Brown being held in the Philippines, but Brown being kept away from the U.S, you start to understand why nobody is moving quickly to help out. Stay strong, Chris. Maybe buy a house and start planting some cane. The rescue of guys who beat women needs to be carefully planned.

Photo credit: Chris Brown/Instagram

Chris Brown Hamstrung

By Matt July 23, 2015 @ 6:09 AM

Brown 2

Chris Brown has hired armed guards to protect his home from the Bloods he calls his friends who robbed his house after texting him to ask where he was at. Pictured above is his closet, proving he has a vast array of interests including shoes and lining up shoes. Police believe a club promoter was also involved in the robbery and hopefully they will do minimal work to solve the case and concentrate on potholes. Stop hanging out with gang members, you’ll find things start looking up. Of course, being a woman beater you might end up getting your ass kicked or shot up at your next ghetto ass club appearance but that’s all part of the game. That’s why musicians make music. Then they get to pick their spots. What Brown is doing is akin to working as a stripper in Angola State Prison. It’s just a matter of time. Perhaps your guards and gangster friends will have a shootout and you’ll be a victim of collateral damage. An unfortunate situation since that will make new buyers weary of picking up your house since you’re clearly way behind the mortgage and spending all your money on shoes and full time security, not to mention being robbed by your homies is really hurting your cash flow. Plus you owe them dinner. Like is tough for a fake G.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Chris Brown’s House Robbed

By Matt July 16, 2015 @ 6:29 AM


Chris Brown’s house was robbed while he was at an ESPY party paying tribute to Caitlyn Jenner’s bronzed penis. The armed men forced themselves in and made Brown’s aunt wait in the closet where he keeps his stash of alt porn. They stole some possessions from his house that would have ended up at auction in a few years anyway and bounced. Brown’s aunt thinks it was an inside job. No shit. These dudes were probably smoking weed at the pool last week while taking selfies on their Tracfones. That’s why you don’t hang out with gang members when you’re a pussy who only knows how to dance like a bitch and punch women. Your friend pool dries up at that point. The Bloods are always available. Except for the first of the month when they visit that check cashing place. Odds are high this crime won’t be solved. It’s called making someone your bitch. Replace that shelf of Jordans, pussy. We’ll be back sometime before Christmas along with the Time Warner guy.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Chris Brown Loves to Fight the Ladies and Shit Around the Web

By Jack June 05, 2015 @ 11:22 AM


If you’re an ex-con based on beating your girlfriend, you should probably just stick to paid company moving forward. You definitely should not be out drinking with another ex-girlfriend looking for round two. You’re not Mayweather. You’re not getting paid.

Chris Brown fights with his recent ex-girlfriend, punches thrown? Meh. (TMZ)

Eniko Mihalik is topless and Hungarian, one of these things is awesome (Egotastic)

Christina Milian has cleavage, not much else, but that’s enough. (Drunken Stepfather)

Nina Agdal Beach Bunny if bunnies had hot asses (Hollywood Tuna)

Kylie Jenner has big boobs That’s legal to say I think. (Popoholic)

Good looking girls, big breasts, flying the American colors (The Chive)

Karrueche Tran Tempts Fate

By Matt May 28, 2015 @ 6:43 AM


Karrueche Tran has been feuding on Instagram with her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown because Brown is super tough on the Internet and his emojis elicit high fives from his gang banger buddies. Tran inserted model Tyson Beckford onto her page to use his hairless man ass as a pawn in their game like a real life Zoolander. This culminated with Brown threatening to fuck Beckford’s baby mama and beat his children and Beckford posting a photo of himself at target practice. It’s like Lord of the Rings for retards. The whole thing appeared to die down after it was discovered most tough guys don’t get catty on Instagram.

Tran reignited the pile of bullshit by posting an ominous photo of her busted lip. The implication being Chris Brown punched her in the face. It should be noted Tran let Brown put his polyp covered dong inside of her for two years and this came after Brown brutally beat Rihanna. They broke up when Brown had a baby with another chick, meaning he definitely doesn’t use condoms and I had just assumed that was a lesion. What I take away from it is beating women is one thing but being unfaithful is inexcusable. Brown’s fans agreed and chimed in that they thought this was a shameless cheap shot, although not as bad as punching a chick in your passenger seat while she’s watching the road. There are certain topics that should be off limits. Domestic crimes of guys who dance around like nancy boys and Cosby rape in the 1980′s. Instagram is a valuable tool. So is Megan’s law. Let’s combine them into an app and sweep the trash.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Chris Brown Attracts Winners

By Matt May 08, 2015 @ 6:23 AM


Chris Brown returned to his home in Los Angeles from Vegas to find this 21 year old chick sleeping in his bed. Normally I’d say go for a quickie and send Goldilocks packing with a free iPod shuffle. A man’s got to unwind from that drive and that beats beating off to the DVR’d episodes of Singled Out you recorded while drunk. Unfortunately the woman spray painted “I Love You” on Brown’s countertop and “Mrs Brown” on his Rolls Royce and Range Rover. That’s a sign she might clamp down. Interesting you can afford two vehicles and not an alarm system. Typical, but interesting. Brown called the police while he waited outside on the curb because even super tough gang bangers need our men in blue to escort hundred pound chicks out of their homes. Shouldn’t have acted with haste. Comb her hair and she’s an improvement over most chicks in the club. Women are all kinds of crazy. Pick one.

Photo Credit: Instagram