Chris Brown Seems Earnest

By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 8:40 AM

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Chris Brown is a known gang affiliate who probably irritates victims of gang violence yet remains conspicuously popular among the Nobody You Know demo. For whatever reason Brown has received a pass to permeate mainstream media even though he only performs at crime scenes now and nobody can name any of his songs. Its like if the guy hanging out outside the 7-11 with a backwards bandana took over hosting Late Night for David Letterman. Brown’s mom is apparently now trying to convince her son’s therapist to get Brown to drop his gang peeps. While it would be a funny idea for a movie starring Kevin Hart and Robert De Niro pretending to be a tough guy, it seems futile when applied to the real wold and an unredeemable asshole.

“I talk to my therapist twice a week whether it’s good or bad…I think it’s good to have somebody that you can vent to. Somebody that understands situations and is not judgmental…as a young guy coming up in the industry at fifteen, you don’t really get that, you don’t get the crash course on how to grow up and how to learn from your mistakes and handle situations differently.”

Actually everyone should be judgmental of abusive assholes. Not sure what these sessions entail, but for anyone not psychotically inclined it’s a clear decision. The Bloods don’t boast a track record of success, although neither do shitty former teeny bopper R&B singers with inadequacy issues. Brown should probably fire his shrink and get his advice from random people in line at supermarkets. It would be more to the point. It seems everyone involved in this story is failing on multiple levels including all of society and the mental health field. If my Death Pool is correct we shouldn’t have to listen to this shit too much longer.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Chris Brown Leads To Bad Things

By Matt September 24, 2014 @ 8:27 AM

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Some totally innocent guy got stabbed at an after party where Chris Brown was performing. Cops suspect Brown’s crew of known Bloods gang members may be to blame because stabbing is listed on their Match.com profiles as their interests right after reading the Sunday paper and before hiking. Law enforcement officials have grown tired of the swell dancing scourge and reached out to nightclub owners to black ball Brown and his posse of feckless LA based Chicago Bulls supporters. Club owners have rejected the freeze out plan because cash spending patrons have come to expect a posse stabbing with their impostor vodka at their skank-filled venue of choice. The owners of these shitboxes are smart enough not to hang out in their own seedy establishments past midnight, so they could give a fuck who gets stabbed at four a.m. It’s all good for business.

Chris Brown is a proud gang member and will probably be killed by an even more proud gang member in the near future. A few twelve year old girls will cry and throw flowers on a makeshift memorial outside one of Brown’s fly cribs, at which point most people will try to name one of his songs and change the channel.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Chris Brown Still A Dick And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 11, 2014 @ 12:02 PM

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Chris Brown and his entourage started a bottle throwing fight at a club because they lacked any more original ideas. Chis Brown’s like a wild dog that’s been flogged to fight and just has to be put down before anyone else gets bitten. Like in Old Yeller only no one will cry and many people will probably cheer.

Read about his latest shenanigans. (Dlisted)

Anastasia Ashley in a bikini in Maxim is how I know the terrorists haven’t won. (Popoholic)

Ray Rice has conveniently found Jesus and stopped drinking. (The Superficial)

Beyonce makes someone else’s wedding all about her. (Huffington Post)

Oscar Pistorius was found not guilty of murder because he’s rich, White, and famous. (COED)

Kendall Jenner in a short dress is why I wake up in the morning. (Hollywood Tuna)

Please let this rumor of Iggy Azalea having a sex tape be true. (Drunken Stepfather)

Suge Knight Takes All The Bullets, Chris Brown Gets None

By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 6:03 AM

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According to Chris Brown’s posse and a number of really stupid hot models, a trained killer opened fire at Brown during his pre-VMA party at the 1OAK Nightclub in L.A.. Brown employed his extraordinary dancing skills to narrowly avoid the bullets which subsequently hit Suge Knight who is too fat to dance. Even though Brown escaped any injuries, his polite social circle were quick to insist the shots were meant for Chris. It’s crazy to think anybody would actually be trying to shoot Suge Knight at a pre-VMA party, even though that same exact thing happened at Kanye’s pre-VMA party in 2005. Suge Knight just got all perturbed at being shot so he staggered out of the club with at least two slugs in his body and headed for his Bentley.

Chris Brown’s boys quickly huddled around Brown and serpentined him back to his brightly colored Lamborghini where he slowly drove away past his former party guests smiling like a man who seems super afraid somebody is trying to kill him.  When Brown got back to his crib and had time to digest the evening’s events, as well as some weed and pussy, he Tweeted out a plea for party common sense:

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It’s a pretty common mistake to think your probation hearing judge said you should hang out with ex-cons and felons with guns and drugs and booze at late night raging parties. You should, you shouldn’t. They sound very similar. When Suge Knight wills those bullets out of his body, Chris Brown better hope he had nothing to do with this.

Chris Brown Surely Loves Charity Sports Events

By Lex August 18, 2014 @ 2:09 PM

Chris Brown vs Quincy In A Celebrity Flag Football Game In Eagle Rock
Last month it was a Chris Brown celebrity kickball game with all the felonious minions and Kardashians he could gather up. Now, flag football against Puff Daddy’s son. Chris Brown is either building his curriculum vitae for a middle school P.E. teacher vacancy or he’s fulfilling the community service portion of his probation in the most Chris Brown way possible.

These events certainly make it simpler for the local weed and small arms dealers to get to their customers all in one place. And for the twenty or so people who came to watch the game and help raise money for a charity that will never share the accounting, it was a spectacular day all around. Chris Brown just has one ice water bucket challenge and celebrity skeet shooting event in his backyard and his slate is clean in the eyes of the law. He’s like a reverse Hurricane Carter.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News, Splash

Chris Brown’s Neighbor Seems Cool

By Matt July 30, 2014 @ 6:41 AM

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Chris Brown’s neighbor threatened to shoot him if he sets foot on his property. It is unclear why the guy has a problem with Brown though equally unclear why anyone would not have a problem with Brown. Chris has been throwing loud parties and some of the depraved whore guests have spilled their fake cleavage onto his front yard. Unlike the millions of people who fantasize about accidentally pushing Chris Brown into an oncoming train, this neighbor guy sounds crazy enough to follow through:

“It can be the devil.  I can care less.  I don’t care if they’re having orgies.  It can even be Saddam Hussein for all I care, as long as he doesn’t trespass onto my property, if he does, I shoot him.”

Consider this is a challenge for the rest of us to get Chris Brown to walk across this guy’s lawn. Maybe we Hansel and Gretel out a trail of joints that leads Chris across the adjoining property lines. If he won’t budge, we can experiment with catapults provided by the History Channel. We can’t just let this opportunity pass. This is the best lead we’ve had in years.

Photo Credit: Instagram