Chris Brown Attracts Winners

By Matt May 08, 2015 @ 6:23 AM

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Chris Brown returned to his home in Los Angeles from Vegas to find this 21 year old chick sleeping in his bed. Normally I’d say go for a quickie and send Goldilocks packing with a free iPod shuffle. A man’s got to unwind from that drive and that beats beating off to the DVR’d episodes of Singled Out you recorded while drunk. Unfortunately the woman spray painted “I Love You” on Brown’s countertop and “Mrs Brown” on his Rolls Royce and Range Rover. That’s a sign she might clamp down. Interesting you can afford two vehicles and not an alarm system. Typical, but interesting. Brown called the police while he waited outside on the curb because even super tough gang bangers need our men in blue to escort hundred pound chicks out of their homes. Shouldn’t have acted with haste. Comb her hair and she’s an improvement over most chicks in the club. Women are all kinds of crazy. Pick one.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Chris Brown Tries Beating Up A Dude

By Matt May 05, 2015 @ 6:38 AM

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Chris Brown got in a fight in Vegas while playing basketball in his hotel suite with some dude he most likely hired from the Washington Generals’ minor league affiliate. Brown recently got off probation for beating the ever loving shit out of Rihanna and then smoking lots of dope to celebrate so he’s good for another round before he is ultimately killed in the most widely celebrated drive-by of all time. Apparently The Palms has a suite with an indoor basketball court which they will let you stay in if you promise not to report any rapes or the fact that every big act in town is gay. The indoor basketball court hotel room is not as shocking as some dude getting his ass kicked by Chris Brown and not just his body guards. Any male of the species who has seen Deadliest Catch could easily end his life with a right elbow. It had to be a sucker punch. Screech is getting ballsy.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Chris Brown Blocks Chrissy Teigen On Twitter

By Lex March 06, 2015 @ 1:07 PM

Chrissy Teigen Leggy At Pedicure Event In NYC
That uneasy feeling you get when you realize Chris Brown has shut you out of his life. There’s really no preparing for it. It hits you like a dirty hand of hot Chinese mustard to the lachrymal gland. You’ll pretend you’re just vulnerable from your period, but really you’re hurting much deeper. The place where Chris Brown used to touch you. No, deeper. Yep, there. Now understand that it will never feel this way again and let flow the sorrowful torrents. Thankfully Chrissy Teigen drinks. It’s like crying in reverse.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/INF

Chris Brown’s Stupid Baby Name And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 05, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Chris Brown named his new bastard baby, Royalty. It’s a nice play on words given her regal breeding and the fact that she’ll someday be utilizing her bio dad’s music royalties to pay for her court ordered rehab. I’m holding back my puke until Chris Brown makes his first statement about the baby changing him for the better.

Read all about what this assclown was thinking. (TMZ)

Bras? We don’t need no stinking bras! (The Chive)

Erika Moreno topless will make your face explode. (Egotastic)

Kylie Jenner isn’t, like, materialistic. She’s, like, totally spiritual. (Huffington Post)

Amy Hood shows off her naked body and lovely bush. (Drunken Stepfather)

Anna Sophia Berglund shills pricey water in a white bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jessica Lowndes knows how to sell her sexiness on Instagram. (Popoholic)

Chris Brown Has A Child, Karrueche Bails

By Lex March 04, 2015 @ 10:58 AM

Chris Brown Has A Child Karrueche Bails
Breaking the news to your long time girlfriend that you’ve been declared dad to some other chick’s new baby is no simple task. You’re going to want to find a nice public spot and make sure she’s sober. Also, stretch your rapper credit line at the jewelry store. Something ostentatious, but tacky. Karrueche Tran seemed to catch wind of something in the air, not to mention service of process papers on the kitchen table, because last week she asked on Instgram if anybody knows a Nia. That named turned out to be the swift thinking young lady who pushed out Brown’s new bastard baby and instantly became ten times wealthier than her peers who took the abortion fun bucks. Karrueche Tran decided to quit Chris Brown. The arrests and assaults and drugs and gang ties didn’t bother her so much, but a baby, fuck no. That’s her practical Vietnamese side coming out. And, yes, that is a compliment. You don’t need that shit. At least not until the rent on your sweet condo Brown pays for comes overdue. Principles aside, look for Tran to be pushing Brown’s bastard around the Westside parks with the illegals by the next moon.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Chris Brown Might Be Going To Jail And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 16, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Chris Brown might be someone’s girlfriend soon as a judge just revoked his probation. The dumbass girl beater traveled out of the country and didn’t finish his community service. He better stop washing his ass now because they are going to tear him apart in jail.

Read all about Chris’ latest legal woes. (Huffington Post)

Colleen Shannon wears a shiny bra because she cares. (Egotastic)

Michael Sam got gay engaged at the Vatican. Wait, what? (TMZ)

Anna Kournikova wears a tiny bikini on Instagram. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jehane Gigi Paris models small bikinis for your eyeballs to enjoy. (Popoholic)

Meanwhile, Claudia Romani’s booty is fucking amazing. (The Superficial)

Taylor Swift reportedly got her underage buddy Lorde shit-faced after the Golden Globes. (Dlisted)