Nick Cannon Renaissance Man

By Matt August 27, 2015 @ 7:39 AM

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Nick Cannon posted an Instagram shot of his shoe closet in response to Chris Brown having shown off his super interesting closet weeks prior. This is like an old fashioned duel, if the guys were pansies more into fashion than pistols. Dudes used to care about whiskey and pussy. Now it’s lining up shoes like you’re one of those dull kids who obsesses over his toys and nobody wants to play with. Sounds like an apt description.

“@chrisbrownofficial I got stairs and ladders too! LOL! #LACloset BTW my people I’m NOT showing off or bragging by any means, but I have to show young @chrisbrownofficial a lil Sumpn’ real quick.”

When Chris Brown is 37 and laying on his death bed, he’ll probably realize there’s a lot more to life than procuring shoes and bragging about your shoes. For Cannon this is most likely a phase and part of his hinting at finally coming out of the closet, where he ironically spends so much time. Take your Mariah settlement money and become a woman. Better selection in footwear.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Two-Faced Chris Brown And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 25, 2015 @ 10:00 AM

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Woman beater Chris Brown got a tattoo on his head of an ancient Greek statue for some reason. I hope he doesn’t get mad at the woman on his head and beat the shit out of her.

See his latest stupid tattoo. (TMZ)

Costa Rican señorita Juliana Herz shows off her chichis. (Egotastic All-Stars)

The USC Song Girls get wet. (Busted Coverage)

Holy shit, Miranda Kerr’s legs are amazing. (Drunken Stepfather)

Tyga really likes fucking recently legal Kylie Jenner. (Dlisted)

Xenia Deli in bikinis and lingerie will make your mouth water. (COED)

Nicole Scherzinger takes off her top. You don’t want tan lines, after all. (Popoholic)

Chris Brown Held Hostage, Day Who Gives a Fuck

By Lex July 24, 2015 @ 8:49 AM

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The Philippines are holding Chris Brown in lock down in Manilla because he fucked over a powerful church group by ditching out on a planned concert this past New Year’s Eve. According to the Church and Christ group, they fronted Brown one million clams and Brown stiffed them with some lame excuse and I guess forgot to return the cash. When Chris Brown showed up on Tuesday to perform in Manilla, the local authorities informed him he wasn’t going anywhere until he dealt with defrauding tons of distraught Pacquiaos on New Years.

Chris Brown has taken to Instagram beseeching his fans and Obama to help him get the fuck out of the Philippines, asking what it is he needs to do in order to leave. I’m guessing the answer to that is around one million dollars. Plus maybe a half dozen ’03 Corollas with red bows. If Brown hadn’t blown off his street gang cohorts for robbing his house, they’d probably be building a Kon Tiki raft right now to go rescue his ass. Once you view this not as Brown being held in the Philippines, but Brown being kept away from the U.S, you start to understand why nobody is moving quickly to help out. Stay strong, Chris. Maybe buy a house and start planting some cane. The rescue of guys who beat women needs to be carefully planned.

Photo credit: Chris Brown/Instagram

Chris Brown Hamstrung

By Matt July 23, 2015 @ 6:09 AM

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Chris Brown has hired armed guards to protect his home from the Bloods he calls his friends who robbed his house after texting him to ask where he was at. Pictured above is his closet, proving he has a vast array of interests including shoes and lining up shoes. Police believe a club promoter was also involved in the robbery and hopefully they will do minimal work to solve the case and concentrate on potholes. Stop hanging out with gang members, you’ll find things start looking up. Of course, being a woman beater you might end up getting your ass kicked or shot up at your next ghetto ass club appearance but that’s all part of the game. That’s why musicians make music. Then they get to pick their spots. What Brown is doing is akin to working as a stripper in Angola State Prison. It’s just a matter of time. Perhaps your guards and gangster friends will have a shootout and you’ll be a victim of collateral damage. An unfortunate situation since that will make new buyers weary of picking up your house since you’re clearly way behind the mortgage and spending all your money on shoes and full time security, not to mention being robbed by your homies is really hurting your cash flow. Plus you owe them dinner. Like is tough for a fake G.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Chris Brown’s House Robbed

By Matt July 16, 2015 @ 6:29 AM

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Chris Brown’s house was robbed while he was at an ESPY party paying tribute to Caitlyn Jenner’s bronzed penis. The armed men forced themselves in and made Brown’s aunt wait in the closet where he keeps his stash of alt porn. They stole some possessions from his house that would have ended up at auction in a few years anyway and bounced. Brown’s aunt thinks it was an inside job. No shit. These dudes were probably smoking weed at the pool last week while taking selfies on their Tracfones. That’s why you don’t hang out with gang members when you’re a pussy who only knows how to dance like a bitch and punch women. Your friend pool dries up at that point. The Bloods are always available. Except for the first of the month when they visit that check cashing place. Odds are high this crime won’t be solved. It’s called making someone your bitch. Replace that shelf of Jordans, pussy. We’ll be back sometime before Christmas along with the Time Warner guy.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Chris Brown Loves to Fight the Ladies and Shit Around the Web

By Jack June 05, 2015 @ 11:22 AM

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If you’re an ex-con based on beating your girlfriend, you should probably just stick to paid company moving forward. You definitely should not be out drinking with another ex-girlfriend looking for round two. You’re not Mayweather. You’re not getting paid.

Chris Brown fights with his recent ex-girlfriend, punches thrown? Meh. (TMZ)

Eniko Mihalik is topless and Hungarian, one of these things is awesome (Egotastic)

Christina Milian has cleavage, not much else, but that’s enough. (Drunken Stepfather)

Nina Agdal Beach Bunny if bunnies had hot asses (Hollywood Tuna)

Kylie Jenner has big boobs That’s legal to say I think. (Popoholic)

Good looking girls, big breasts, flying the American colors (The Chive)