By Lex March 06, 2015 @ 1:07 PM
That uneasy feeling you get when you realize Chris Brown has shut you out of his life. There’s really no preparing for it. It hits you like a dirty hand of hot Chinese mustard to the lachrymal gland. You’ll pretend you’re just vulnerable from your period, but really you’re hurting much deeper. The place where Chris Brown used to touch you. No, deeper. Yep, there. Now understand that it will never feel this way again and let flow the sorrowful torrents. Thankfully Chrissy Teigen drinks. It’s like crying in reverse.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/INF
By Jack March 05, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Chris Brown named his new bastard baby, Royalty. It’s a nice play on words given her regal breeding and the fact that she’ll someday be utilizing her bio dad’s music royalties to pay for her court ordered rehab. I’m holding back my puke until Chris Brown makes his first statement about the baby changing him for the better.
Read all about what this assclown was thinking. (TMZ)
Bras? We don’t need no stinking bras! (The Chive)
Erika Moreno topless will make your face explode. (Egotastic)
Kylie Jenner isn’t, like, materialistic. She’s, like, totally spiritual. (Huffington Post)
Amy Hood shows off her naked body and lovely bush. (Drunken Stepfather)
Anna Sophia Berglund shills pricey water in a white bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)
Jessica Lowndes knows how to sell her sexiness on Instagram. (Popoholic)
By Lex March 04, 2015 @ 10:58 AM
Breaking the news to your long time girlfriend that you’ve been declared dad to some other chick’s new baby is no simple task. You’re going to want to find a nice public spot and make sure she’s sober. Also, stretch your rapper credit line at the jewelry store. Something ostentatious, but tacky. Karrueche Tran seemed to catch wind of something in the air, not to mention service of process papers on the kitchen table, because last week she asked on Instgram if anybody knows a Nia. That named turned out to be the swift thinking young lady who pushed out Brown’s new bastard baby and instantly became ten times wealthier than her peers who took the abortion fun bucks. Karrueche Tran decided to quit Chris Brown. The arrests and assaults and drugs and gang ties didn’t bother her so much, but a baby, fuck no. That’s her practical Vietnamese side coming out. And, yes, that is a compliment. You don’t need that shit. At least not until the rent on your sweet condo Brown pays for comes overdue. Principles aside, look for Tran to be pushing Brown’s bastard around the Westside parks with the illegals by the next moon.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Jack January 16, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Chris Brown might be someone’s girlfriend soon as a judge just revoked his probation. The dumbass girl beater traveled out of the country and didn’t finish his community service. He better stop washing his ass now because they are going to tear him apart in jail.
Read all about Chris’ latest legal woes. (Huffington Post)
Colleen Shannon wears a shiny bra because she cares. (Egotastic)
Michael Sam got gay engaged at the Vatican. Wait, what? (TMZ)
Anna Kournikova wears a tiny bikini on Instagram. (Drunken Stepfather)
Jehane Gigi Paris models small bikinis for your eyeballs to enjoy. (Popoholic)
Meanwhile, Claudia Romani’s booty is fucking amazing. (The Superficial)
Taylor Swift reportedly got her underage buddy Lorde shit-faced after the Golden Globes. (Dlisted)
By Lex January 15, 2015 @ 3:02 PM
Porn star Kagney Linn Karter, potentially not her Christian name, claims Chris Brown bullied her after he paid for her company but she refused to let him invade her privates. There was apparently some confusion over exactly what ‘I will pay you, and then fuck you, and then you will leave’ meant. Vague employment terms are often the source of friction between boss and worker. Karter went on Twitter to rant, calling out the violent ex-con like wise people often do:
I WILL NEVER FUCK A WOMAN BEATER EW DISGUSTING
That was just for openers to flex her Toastmasters training. Next she posted a picture of what she said was Chris Brown’s cock with the inscribed prose:
i can slap bitches now with chris browns dick on my timeline all day say some SLICK SHIT pulls out CBs dick WHAP.
Which I think goes to show how most men blindly see the upside in a sex for hire transaction. As it turns out, there’s a reasonably high level of personal dysfunction among porn stars and prostitutes. Chris Brown’s legal team took a water break from their thirty-seven other pending cases and jumped on this shit, getting Twitter to shut down Karter’s account and delete all the Tweets and images. As per Twitter TOS, it’s not cool to threaten people with their own dicks. Though being a girl punching drug offender grants you access to the VIP lounge. Life isn’t fair. If it were, both of these people would have Ebola.
By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 6:06 AM
Chris Brown hired some guy to paint a bunch of illegible Sanskrit looking letters on his Lamborghini. The text is supposedly the lyrics to a Tupac song though they could also read, Chris Brown is a pussy tool who takes numerous men up his ass. That’s the danger in hiring a guy who claims to know Sanskrit when you barely know English.
Apart from looking like shit this will cut the value of the car down to something affordable for a mother of six. Its definitely going to be a problem when a chubby Brown attempts to pawn it to a shady used car lot a few years from now to pay off his bail bonds. It’s always amusing when people expend tremendous energy just to make shit worse. Realize if you’re Chris Brown it actually takes effort to get a neck tattoo. You have to get in the car, drive to the shop, and sit there with the end result being you look like a jackass who never made it to real prison.
Photo Credit: Instagram