Chris Brown Might Be Going To Jail And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 16, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Chris Brown might be someone’s girlfriend soon as a judge just revoked his probation. The dumbass girl beater traveled out of the country and didn’t finish his community service. He better stop washing his ass now because they are going to tear him apart in jail.

Read all about Chris’ latest legal woes. (Huffington Post)

Colleen Shannon wears a shiny bra because she cares. (Egotastic)

Michael Sam got gay engaged at the Vatican. Wait, what? (TMZ)

Anna Kournikova wears a tiny bikini on Instagram. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jehane Gigi Paris models small bikinis for your eyeballs to enjoy. (Popoholic)

Meanwhile, Claudia Romani’s booty is fucking amazing. (The Superficial)

Taylor Swift reportedly got her underage buddy Lorde shit-faced after the Golden Globes. (Dlisted)

Chris Brown Gets His Dick Back

By Lex January 15, 2015 @ 3:02 PM

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Porn star Kagney Linn Karter, potentially not her Christian name, claims Chris Brown bullied her after he paid for her company but she refused to let him invade her privates. There was apparently some confusion over exactly what ‘I will pay you, and then fuck you, and then you will leave’ meant. Vague employment terms are often the source of friction between boss and worker. Karter went on Twitter to rant, calling out the violent ex-con like wise people often do:

I WILL NEVER FUCK A WOMAN BEATER EW DISGUSTING

That was just for openers to flex her Toastmasters training. Next she posted a picture of what she said was Chris Brown’s cock with the inscribed prose:

i can slap bitches now with chris browns dick on my timeline all day say some SLICK SHIT pulls out CBs dick WHAP.

Which I think goes to show how most men blindly see the upside in a sex for hire transaction. As it turns out, there’s a reasonably high level of personal dysfunction among porn stars and prostitutes. Chris Brown’s legal team took a water break from their thirty-seven other pending cases and jumped on this shit, getting Twitter to shut down Karter’s account and delete all the Tweets and images. As per Twitter TOS, it’s not cool to threaten people with their own dicks. Though being a girl punching drug offender grants you access to the VIP lounge. Life isn’t fair. If it were, both of these people would have Ebola.

Chris Brown Dumb Down His Lambo

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

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Chris Brown hired some guy to paint a bunch of illegible Sanskrit looking letters on his Lamborghini. The text is supposedly the lyrics to a Tupac song though they could also read, Chris Brown is a pussy tool who takes numerous men up his ass. That’s the danger in hiring a guy who claims to know Sanskrit when you barely know English.

Apart from looking like shit this will cut the value of the car down to something affordable for a mother of six. Its definitely going to be a problem when a chubby Brown attempts to pawn it to a shady used car lot a few years from now to pay off his bail bonds. It’s always amusing when people expend tremendous energy just to make shit worse. Realize if you’re Chris Brown it actually takes effort to get a neck tattoo. You have to get in the car, drive to the shop, and sit there with the end result being you look like a jackass who never made it to real prison.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Chris Brown Seems Stupid High

By Matt October 14, 2014 @ 7:48 AM

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Chris Brown tweeted his half assed opinion that Ebola is apparently a government engineered form of population control. There was some liberty involved in that summary because it took longer to hash out than Brown’s own opinion:

“I don’t know … But I think this Ebola epidemic is a form of population control. Shit is getting crazy bruh.”

When you try and explain the lunar eclipse to your nephew you have to bullshit most of it because you don’t really know what you’re talking about. Chris Brown is so dumb he is forced to do this when ordering at IHOP. Silver dollar pancakes, huh? Can you fucking eat those?

Black folks are notoriously suspicious that everything that hurts or kills black people came about through a government conspiracy. That’s only right like half the time. Chris Brown is more likely come by his social and political views by way of contact high with the one dude in his posse who has Daily Kos accidentally bookmarked on his Galaxy browser. When Chris Brown ends up in real prison he will inevitably grow a beard and wear reading glasses, at which point his mind numbingly stupid regurgitations will be met with esteem from the hand full of nineteen year olds forced to listen to him because he is bogarting the cafeteria table.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Kendall Jenner Is Cruising for a Bruising

By Matt October 02, 2014 @ 10:11 AM

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According to a typically spotty US Weekly report, Kendall Jenner is infatuated with Chris Brown. Jenner reportedly took a liking to him after he was released from jail for beating Rihanna. In the world of US Weekly articles written at the 8th grade level, that makes him a ‘bad boy’ and not an abusive sociopath with misogynistic tendencies.

Jenner partied with Brown at the VMA after party where Suge Knight took up to thirty-seven more bullets. Jenner likes a guy who can take control. The kind who can really hold you down and beat the shit out of your face. Normally I’d have sympathy for the naive suburban chick who thinks hanging with a black dude with Bloods gang ties is outrageously rebellious and group text worthy. But this is not a tale of the troubled wayward youth with few options. This is a chick who was bred to crave attention, money, and high profile fucked up famous men. The writing is on the wall. If you’re stupid enough to get involved with Brown you deserve to get punched in your generic looking face. It’s called thinning the modeling herd. You can always pull day shift at one of the seven Burger Kings Kanye bought your sister.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Chris Brown Seems Earnest

By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 8:40 AM

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Chris Brown is a known gang affiliate who probably irritates victims of gang violence yet remains conspicuously popular among the Nobody You Know demo. For whatever reason Brown has received a pass to permeate mainstream media even though he only performs at crime scenes now and nobody can name any of his songs. Its like if the guy hanging out outside the 7-11 with a backwards bandana took over hosting Late Night for David Letterman. Brown’s mom is apparently now trying to convince her son’s therapist to get Brown to drop his gang peeps. While it would be a funny idea for a movie starring Kevin Hart and Robert De Niro pretending to be a tough guy, it seems futile when applied to the real wold and an unredeemable asshole.

“I talk to my therapist twice a week whether it’s good or bad…I think it’s good to have somebody that you can vent to. Somebody that understands situations and is not judgmental…as a young guy coming up in the industry at fifteen, you don’t really get that, you don’t get the crash course on how to grow up and how to learn from your mistakes and handle situations differently.”

Actually everyone should be judgmental of abusive assholes. Not sure what these sessions entail, but for anyone not psychotically inclined it’s a clear decision. The Bloods don’t boast a track record of success, although neither do shitty former teeny bopper R&B singers with inadequacy issues. Brown should probably fire his shrink and get his advice from random people in line at supermarkets. It would be more to the point. It seems everyone involved in this story is failing on multiple levels including all of society and the mental health field. If my Death Pool is correct we shouldn’t have to listen to this shit too much longer.

Photo Credit: Instagram