When it’s time to dial up Americana for your big Chinese golf tournament, your party invite plan immediately moves to Morgan Freeman, Chris Evans, and Kenny G. That’s God, Captain America, and a fey alto sax player to make the lingering Communist propagandists happy in their mockery of the U.S. You also invite Jessica Alba because half a billion dudes in China want to bang her too. I can’t imagine how much cash it took to bring these celebrities in formal wear to a golf course in Shenzen, but if you didn’t pay the extra two mill to see Jessica flash her tits at the 19th hole bar, you wasted all the rest.
Snowpiercer is the story of a post-apocalyptic America in which all of the survivors live on a gigantic train that just keeps circling the globe because everything else is covered in ice and too cold for humans. Except for Arizona, probably, because that place is always a fiery hell. But just like any good future, the poor are separated from the rich and reminded how awful they are until Chris Evans finds an ax and an Asian guy and they start fucking all of the wealthy people up.
I wonder if Chris used to tell the other actors on the set of Not Another Teen Movie that one day he’d be a huge action movie star and how hard that dorky white kid who pretended to be Asian laughed at him before they both wondered what Chyler Leigh looked like naked.
Captain America: The Winter Soldier is currently filming in Los Angeles, and these new set photos show Chris Evans picking on a nerdy bald guy while Scarlett Johansson stands behind him, using her super power of looking fantastic with fake red hair and leather pants. Johansson’s Black Widow also joins in on the ass-kicking, but it’s actually her stunt double, in case you were starting to get excited about your chest-kicking fetish.
I don’t know anything about the plot of this sequel, but I’m hoping is has something to do with an evil villain trying to take over the world and the only thing that can stop him is the Black Widow entering a wet t-shirt contest.
‘Captain America’ had it’s premiere last night at the El Capitan theater in Hollywood, which of course means that English actress Hayley Atwell was there.
Atwell plays Peggy Carter, who is part of the program that transforms Steve Rodgers from a scrawny kid into a superhero. Atwell and her huge breasts act as the moral compass of the film, and as her relationship with Rogers grows more intimate and a romance develops, the three of them are able to inspire Rodgers to keep fighting, to stay on the right path, and to be true to himself and his country.
Also in the pictures is Chris Evans. I don’t know what he plays. Probably like a doctor or tennis player or something.
If you love America and/or sell steroids, then Captain America is probably the movie you’re most excited about this summer, and finally today there’s a full length trailer. It takes place during World War II, back when superheroes could just walk around shooting people, presumably bad ones. A Fine Time It Was!