Here’s a completely shit-faced Charlie Sheen after a Guns N’ Roses concert Friday night in LA. In case you somehow managed to miss his infamous public meltdown and subsequent bullshit claim of sobriety, we’ve come full cirlce. While I’m not stupid enough to have any delusions that this guy ever stopped funneling drugs and booze into his face like a weak-ass Tony Montana without all of the machine-gunning and incest, it’s always great to have proof. Honestly though, the best part of the video is his wranglers desperately shoving him into a car before he not only endorses Sarah Palin’s 2012 Presidential run (?) and coyly hints at his love of heroin. Anybody says “winning” right now, I burn this mother to the ground.
I added a bunch of Denise Richards bikini shots solely as an anti-drug PSA and not at all to laugh at what Charlie Sheen traded for hookers and meth.
Justin Bieber and his former swagger coach (yes I want to kill myself for typing that), Ryan Good, decided to visit their respective girlfriends, Selena Gomez and Ashley Benson while they shoot ‘Spring Breakers’ in Florida. Last fall, quivering 13 year olds all over the internet frantically reported that Ryan Good would move on to pursue his dreams and would no longer coach Justin Bieber on important things like how to layer his clothing. Turns out that dream included taking some underage kids to a bar, getting embarrassedly shit-faced, and being asked to leave halfway through his meal which he continued to eat on his way out the door. Reach for the stars, kids!
More to the point, what a missed opportunity for Justin to show his former teacher that he’s mastered the swag. Instead of turning beet red and covering his face while fleeing, he should have downed half a pina colada and slurred to Selena “Sirriusly gurl, I’mma murry you and have your babi–BLARGH!”
Lisa Marie Presley landed in a heap on the stairs to her London hotel, but to be fair, she was incredibly drunk. Based on my experience with dozens of stoned suburban white girls, it’s safe to say they’re not natural climbers. I have one of those Scooby Doo levers that turns my stairs into a slide anyway, to make sure they can’t get out, but I don’t need it to be honest. It’s fun though. You should see how surprised they look!
Oh holy crap finally. Finally, finally, Paula Abduls dumb ass is off “American Idol”, saying on her twitter page 11 hours ago:
With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to Idol. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all I’ll miss being a part of a show that I helped from day 1 become an international phenomenon.
There is so much wrong with the second half of that statement I don’t even know where to begin. At best she was useless. More often she was a drunken menace, and usually it wasn’t even clear if she was talking to the right person because her “advice” rarely had any relevance to anything that had happened on stage. Listening to her is like reading a transcript from some other language done by someone who only barely speaks English. And they had to do it in a hurry. And someone had just whacked them in the head.
Jessica Simpson got lit Saturday night at Katsuya in LA, and even had to be helped to the car by her sister Ashlee. She’s back to being super super hot now, but might have been drinking because Tony Romo broke up with her two weeks ago. She should be proud of him. I think it was really courageous of him to come out of the closet like that. He’s a gay quarterback, and that’s cool with me, but it’s pretty much daring the entire NFL to try and take his head off.
The Quentin Tarantino / Brad Pitt WWII movie “Inglourious Basterds” had it’s Berlin premiere yesterday, and that’s not just an unfortunate picture of Pitt at the after-party up top. OK! says he and beer were there until around 2am. Your liver turns black if you drink too much. Maybe if he keeps going Angelina will adopt it.