By Jack January 21, 2014 @ 2:53 PM
Hollywood crypt keeper Joan Rivers aimed her millennia old venom at Kim and Kanye’s demon spawn North West. It all went down on an episode of Rivers’ horrifically terrible Fashion Police show. The subject of the Kardashian/West womb weasel came up and the ever controversial Rivers commented on North’s unibrow. She said,
“That baby is ugly … I’ve never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing”
Normally I would agree that it is fucked up to make fun of an infant. But that demon spawn looks like fucking Bert from Sesame Street. Not that Kim should wax that shit. She’s a little child and they just have to deal with the fact that she looks like one of those baby Ewoks from Return of the Jedi. When Kim was previously accused of waxing North’s eyebrows Kim tweeted back,
“Do people really think I would wax my daughters eyebrows so young? Come on, I’d wait until she’s at least 2 1/2!”
Haha, Kim’s paid social media writer made a funny. But seriously, laser a break in that brow, you shape-shifting succubus..
By Jack December 26, 2013 @ 3:31 PM
Joan Rivers is calling out Jennifer Lawrence for saying that the old crone is a bad influenece on girls. Katniss told Barbara Walters that she thinks shows like Rivers’ Fashion Police tell the youngin’s that it’s OK to ridicule the way people look. Lawrence has told anyone who’ll listen that she hates the Hollywood culture of Photoshopping and crash dieting. Rivers isn’t buying it. she thinks that it’s all an act Lawrence is doing to look cool. She told The New York Post that,
“My New Year’s resolution is [ensuring] Jennifer Lawrence grows up and realizes how lucky she is and calms down. I love that she’s telling everyone how wrong it is to worry about retouching and body image, and meanwhile, she has been touched up more than a choir boy at the Vatican. Look at her posters. She doesn’t have a nose, she has two holes. She just has to learn, don’t talk if you’re doing it.”
She’s got a point. Priests do like little boys. Also, Lawrence’s photos get retouched all the time. There is no way to escape that shit in celebrity culture. Vanity Fair doesn’t want muffin tops on their cover. For all the innate hypocrisy, women like to see their women anorexic. If Jennifer Lawrence was really disgusted she could quit the business and write a blog calling out Hollywood that nobody will care about like others before her. Rivers may be many things: scary, mean, the Crypt Keeper physically composed entirely of dead sailors rendered flesh, but she is pretty good at calling people on their bullshit. If she was a few hundred years younger, I’d do her.
By Travis August 12, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
If you’re the kind of guy (or girl, we don’t discriminate) that likes to watch two grandmothers wrap their veiny, wrinkled claws around the teats of two terrified cows and cackle about how disgusting it is, despite the fact that hard-working Americans still wake up and milk cows every day, then Kris Jenner has the talk show for you.
Elderly comic and Dick Tracy villain Joan Rivers stopped by The Kris Jenner Show last week to milk some cows to the delight of the unemployed jackals at home and in the audience, and I just assume that the cows were shot in their heads or pushed into a vat of acid immediately after.
It would have been the humanitarian thing to do.
By Lex June 07, 2013 @ 1:47 PM
Bristol Palin and her bitchy little sister Willow are switching homes with Joan Rivers and Melissa Rivers on the season premiere of Celebrity Wife Swap, you know, despite the fact none of these four women are actually wives. They’re going to take care of each other’s offspring for a week. How does child protective services not get involved in this shit? These abandoned traumatized kids in the public spotlight now have to have a new dysfunctional mommy come and run them for a week? You don’t think being Bristol Palin’s kid is hard enough? Now you’ve got Joan Rivers sticking her sandy dry thrice stitched up tit in your mouth when you’re crying out in the night because it’s dawning on you that you’re a Palin. Kids choosing to meat cleaver their wrists at age 15 doesn’t start at age 15. It starts on June 23 on ABC.
By Travis April 22, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Pop star Justin Bieber took a lot of shit from people last week after he visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam and signed the guestbook with a note about how he hoped the teenage Holocaust victim would have been a “Belieber”. While people took offense to the comment, calling the 19-year old and his fans ignorant and misguided, there are at least two celebrities who are defending Bieber.
First, Joan Rivers told TMZ that she thinks his comment just “came out wrong”, and she would know because she makes jokes about the Holocaust. But fellow pop star will.i.am had a much more rational take on the story than “He probably could have worded it better”.
“The dude was in freaking Amsterdam. He could get sex because it’s legal, he could get drugs because it’s legal, and now we are making a hoopla because he said, ‘I wonder if Anne Frank was a Belieber?’
“He went to a museum! If you go to Amsterdam you are going to see some crazy freaking s**t… there is a lot of s**t to do in Amsterdam but he chose to go to Anne Frank’s house. The guy is all right.” (WENN.com)
He’s right. We should just be happy that Bieber didn’t go to Amsterdam and jam a syringe full of heroin into his eyeball while he paid some women at sex dungeon to choke him until he couldn’t feel his heartbeat and a couple guys in hoods tossed his lifeless body into the Amstel. I guess.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
By Travis March 01, 2013 @ 11:12 AM
Nobody gave a crap that supermodel Heidi Klum had allegedly been cheating on Seal, her husband of seven years, with her bodyguard and current boyfriend, because she’s 39-years old and still looks better than 99% of the women on this planet. And her vagina might as well be the gates to Heaven, because Seal only just started dating again and his new girlfriend is so average that nobody gives a crap who she is or what show she’s on.
But how much do people love Klum? Enough that they’re ready to correct nature’s mistakes and finally kill Joan Rivers.
Photo credit: Splash
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