By Travis April 24, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Ancient comedienne Joan Rivers and her talentless daughter Melissa have apparently had a reality show on the WE network for several years now, and it reveals how zany and bizarre their life is together, as they continue to be the only people who can stand them. They were on the Today Show this week to promote the series, and while describing a scene in which Joan is tearing down a wall in their home, she explained that “Those women in the basement in Cleveland had more space,” referring to Amanda Berry and Gina DeJesus, who were held hostage by Ariel Castro for a decade.
Now, Amanda’s and Gina’s lawyers are demanding an apology, and Joan told TMZ that she’s too old to give a shit about what their lawyers want.
“They got to live rent free for more than a decade.”
“One of them has a book deal. Neither are in a psych ward. They’re ok. I bet you within 3 years one of them will be on Dancing with the Stars.”
People are obviously offended, because it’s a weekday and people need something to be offended about, but who honestly gives a shit what Joan says anymore? She’d probably get an even better TV show if she just keeps saying the most offensive shit that she can think of. Preferably about her worthless daughter.
By Jack March 27, 2014 @ 2:34 PM
Pickled fashion crone Joan Rivers attacked Lena Dunham’s weight and the message her fat ass sends to girls. It all started when the legendary comedian took time away from luring kids into her gingerbread house oven to go on The Howard Stern Show. The topic of Dunham came up and the dress she wore to a recent event that showed off some tight cellulite above the knee. Rivers took umbrage to this and said that it sends the wrong message to girls. When Stern (who has previously apologized for calling Dunham that ‘little fat chick’) said that her whole spiel is that she doesn’t give a shit, Rivers said,
“But that’s wrong. You are sending a message out to people saying, ‘It’s okay. Stay fat. Get diabetes. Everybody die, lose your fingers. I’m saying if you look the way you look, Lena — and that’s fine and you’re funny — but don’t say it’s okay that other girls can look like this. Try to look better. Try to look better!”
Finally, someone says what everyone is thinking. People are always saying how awesome Dunham is for showing what a real woman with curves looks like.. Those aren’t curves, they’re lumps. Sofia Vergara has curves. She says it’s okay to be fat and proud, and it’s not. I guess it’s okay to be fat, if you must, just not the proud part. Some good does come out of models and actors being so thin and perfect. It fat shames the rest of us obese Wal-Mart Twinkie eaters to get off our gigantic asses and hit the treadmill and not bankrupt Obamacare in its infancy. If suddenly it’s cool to be overweight, that damn falcon faced Joan Rivers will actually be right. I can’t live in a world where Lena Dunham is naked on my TV screen and Joan Rivers deserves a round of applause.
By Travis March 27, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Joan Rivers enlisted Ray J’s help to make a spoof of Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, because it’s not like he has anything better to do than to continue sucking the dust out of the corpse of the one thing that made him famous seven years ago. But even though it was that sex tape that made the Kardashians stars in the first place, TMZ thinks that all of them are still furious whenever people bring it up, and that’s why Khloe Kardashian backed out on a guest host gig on Joan’s show Fashion Police at the last second. Khloe must have only agreed to do it because it’s an E! show, because Joan has always loved being a bitch to the Kardashians, so this isn’t anything new. But she also probably agreed to do it because it’s on TV, and these girls would hump a pack of donkeys in the center of Tijuana if it meant five more minutes of fame.
By Jack January 21, 2014 @ 2:53 PM
Hollywood crypt keeper Joan Rivers aimed her millennia old venom at Kim and Kanye’s demon spawn North West. It all went down on an episode of Rivers’ horrifically terrible Fashion Police show. The subject of the Kardashian/West womb weasel came up and the ever controversial Rivers commented on North’s unibrow. She said,
“That baby is ugly … I’ve never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing”
Normally I would agree that it is fucked up to make fun of an infant. But that demon spawn looks like fucking Bert from Sesame Street. Not that Kim should wax that shit. She’s a little child and they just have to deal with the fact that she looks like one of those baby Ewoks from Return of the Jedi. When Kim was previously accused of waxing North’s eyebrows Kim tweeted back,
“Do people really think I would wax my daughters eyebrows so young? Come on, I’d wait until she’s at least 2 1/2!”
Haha, Kim’s paid social media writer made a funny. But seriously, laser a break in that brow, you shape-shifting succubus..
By Jack December 26, 2013 @ 3:31 PM
Joan Rivers is calling out Jennifer Lawrence for saying that the old crone is a bad influenece on girls. Katniss told Barbara Walters that she thinks shows like Rivers’ Fashion Police tell the youngin’s that it’s OK to ridicule the way people look. Lawrence has told anyone who’ll listen that she hates the Hollywood culture of Photoshopping and crash dieting. Rivers isn’t buying it. she thinks that it’s all an act Lawrence is doing to look cool. She told The New York Post that,
“My New Year’s resolution is [ensuring] Jennifer Lawrence grows up and realizes how lucky she is and calms down. I love that she’s telling everyone how wrong it is to worry about retouching and body image, and meanwhile, she has been touched up more than a choir boy at the Vatican. Look at her posters. She doesn’t have a nose, she has two holes. She just has to learn, don’t talk if you’re doing it.”
She’s got a point. Priests do like little boys. Also, Lawrence’s photos get retouched all the time. There is no way to escape that shit in celebrity culture. Vanity Fair doesn’t want muffin tops on their cover. For all the innate hypocrisy, women like to see their women anorexic. If Jennifer Lawrence was really disgusted she could quit the business and write a blog calling out Hollywood that nobody will care about like others before her. Rivers may be many things: scary, mean, the Crypt Keeper physically composed entirely of dead sailors rendered flesh, but she is pretty good at calling people on their bullshit. If she was a few hundred years younger, I’d do her.
By Travis August 12, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
If you’re the kind of guy (or girl, we don’t discriminate) that likes to watch two grandmothers wrap their veiny, wrinkled claws around the teats of two terrified cows and cackle about how disgusting it is, despite the fact that hard-working Americans still wake up and milk cows every day, then Kris Jenner has the talk show for you.
Elderly comic and Dick Tracy villain Joan Rivers stopped by The Kris Jenner Show last week to milk some cows to the delight of the unemployed jackals at home and in the audience, and I just assume that the cows were shot in their heads or pushed into a vat of acid immediately after.
It would have been the humanitarian thing to do.