Joan Rivers Doc Took a Selfie While She Lay Unconscious

By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 11:45 AM

Joan-Rivers-Portrait

America’s obsession with social media vanity has now murdered our nation’s fourth finest octogenarian female comic. It was only a matter of time before selfies went from being super obvious ego stroking visuals to pathological killers. According to CNN, which somebody watched once a decade ago, Joan Rivers doctor took a selfie in the procedure room while Joan was under sedation, just prior to the unauthorized biopsy that caused her to asphyxiate and go into cardiac arrest. In da’ room cutting up with @JoanRivers. I don’t know, I made that up. I bet he was noodling over some hashtags when her heart stopped.

Short of fucking the attending nurse over the vitals monitor as it flat-lined and just not caring, taking a selfie in a procedure where your patient fades out is pretty much the most asshole malpractice thing you can do. I’d blow up that selfie and stack it on an easel for the jury to see while I kept chanting, “Fifty million” waiting for the river of cash to make me feel whole again.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Joan Rivers Officially Dies

By Lex September 04, 2014 @ 1:19 PM

Joan-Rivers-Back-in-the-Day

If you’d asked me just a week ago which member of the Fashion Police panel would’ve gone first, I would’ve picked the anorexic with the killer tan. She looks like she hasn’t had a decent meal since the last Pope. My second choice would’ve been Kelly Osbourne. She does more booze and drugs in one evening than most people do in four years of college. State party schools excepted, naturally. I don’t know the name of the resident fey on the show. Every E! show has a well dressed gay who snickers. It seems kind of cliche and racist. Either way, he seems in good health.

Joan Rivers lived a full life. And some other shit. I thought she was funny years ago, mostly before her husband whacked himself to get free of her. When she left the stage to do talk shows, like every single other comedian, she instantly lost 40% of her shits and giggles points. But, she never lost her desire to say things that pissed people off, even when they became less funny. I admire that. Not like throw myself on her casket kind of admiration, but just hate the less talented Chelsea Handler blowing for shows kind of way.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Joan Rivers Is Dead, Or Not

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 10:43 AM

Joan-Rivers-and-Amber-Rose-on-Fashion-Police
In a battle of veracity between TMZ and social media hoaxers, there’s no clear way to pick the more reliable source. TMZ has a reporting accuracy of 12-percent, while people making up shit on Twitter sit at zero-percent, though far more self-aware and entertaining. Joan Rivers went into cardiac arrest during what is being described as out-patient throat surgery this morning. I’ll take that to mean tightening the Shar-Pei flaps billowing around her gizzard. She was rushed to Mount Sinai where nobody who knows shit currently knows her condition. But the celebrity media loves them some life cycle events. They pen obituaries and tributes in advance so they can publish while the fingertips are still warm. Not such a bad idea really as far as death hacks. I just didn’t mind for Joan, just in case.

Joan Rivers, occasionally funny, always cunty, the gays have lost a solid crone. RIP. Or see you on Fashion Police next Friday. Whichever way this turns.

Photo credit: E! Television

Joan Rivers Just Won’t Go Away

By Matt August 08, 2014 @ 7:19 AM

Rivers

Joan Rivers threw out some incendiary comments regarding the Gaza conflict but nobody really cared because everybody knows she’s creepy old and desperate for attention. Rivers is turning into the grandma who drops an N Bomb and everyone shrugs and walks into the kitchen for more iced tea because you don’t suddenly stop with the N Bombs at 85. Rivers has consistently been fishing for headlines by shouting fucked up ideas, like her opus on Gaza:

“They started it. We now don’t count who’s dead. You’re dead, you deserve to be dead.”

Rivers is just babbling and hoping she is still lumped into the comic category because she wears a bunch of dumb props around town and Kelly Osbourne drunk guffaws at all of her jokes. Rivers hasn’t been tossed out of the TV industry because everybody’s worried if they confront her she’ll drop dead and they’ll have to touch her body to hide it. Any even slightly younger comic would be shunned by Hollywood and relegated to discussing past decades on VH1. If Rivers plan is to parade around town spewing hate speech until she prat falls into her coffin, she should probably pay for some better joke writers in her ear.

Joan Rivers: Twitter 

Joan Rivers Isn’t Sorry About Her Bad Jokes (VIDEO)

By Travis April 24, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Ancient comedienne Joan Rivers and her talentless daughter Melissa have apparently had a reality show on the WE network for several years now, and it reveals how zany and bizarre their life is together, as they continue to be the only people who can stand them. They were on the Today Show this week to promote the series, and while describing a scene in which Joan is tearing down a wall in their home, she explained that “Those women in the basement in Cleveland had more space,” referring to Amanda Berry and Gina DeJesus, who were held hostage by Ariel Castro for a decade.

Now, Amanda’s and Gina’s lawyers are demanding an apology, and Joan told TMZ that she’s too old to give a shit about what their lawyers want.

“They got to live rent free for more than a decade.”

“One of them has a book deal. Neither are in a psych ward. They’re ok. I bet you within 3 years one of them will be on Dancing with the Stars.”

People are obviously offended, because it’s a weekday and people need something to be offended about, but who honestly gives a shit what Joan says anymore? She’d probably get an even better TV show if she just keeps saying the most offensive shit that she can think of. Preferably about her worthless daughter.

Joan Rivers Calls Lena Dunham A Dangerous Diabetes Causing Fatty

By Jack March 27, 2014 @ 2:34 PM

Pickled fashion crone Joan Rivers attacked Lena Dunham’s weight and the message her fat ass sends to girls. It all started when the legendary comedian took time away from luring kids into her gingerbread house oven to go on The Howard Stern Show. The topic of Dunham came up and the dress she wore to a recent event that showed off some tight cellulite above the knee. Rivers took umbrage to this and said that it sends the wrong message to girls. When Stern (who has previously apologized for calling Dunham that ‘little fat chick’) said that her whole spiel is that she doesn’t give a shit, Rivers said,

“But that’s wrong. You are sending a message out to people saying, ‘It’s okay. Stay fat. Get diabetes. Everybody die, lose your fingers. I’m saying if you look the way you look, Lena — and that’s fine and you’re funny — but don’t say it’s okay that other girls can look like this. Try to look better. Try to look better!”

Finally, someone says what everyone is thinking. People are always saying how awesome Dunham is for showing what a real woman with curves looks like.. Those aren’t curves, they’re lumps. Sofia Vergara has curves. She says it’s okay to be fat and proud, and it’s not. I guess it’s okay to be fat, if you must, just not the proud part. Some good does come out of models and actors being so thin and perfect. It fat shames the rest of us obese Wal-Mart Twinkie eaters to get off our gigantic asses and hit the treadmill and not bankrupt Obamacare in its infancy. If suddenly it’s cool to be overweight, that damn falcon faced Joan Rivers will actually be right. I can’t live in a world where Lena Dunham is naked on my TV screen and Joan Rivers deserves a round of applause.