Joan Rivers Is Dead, Or Not

By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 10:43 AM

Joan-Rivers-and-Amber-Rose-on-Fashion-Police
In a battle of veracity between TMZ and social media hoaxers, there’s no clear way to pick the more reliable source. TMZ has a reporting accuracy of 12-percent, while people making up shit on Twitter sit at zero-percent, though far more self-aware and entertaining. Joan Rivers went into cardiac arrest during what is being described as out-patient throat surgery this morning. I’ll take that to mean tightening the Shar-Pei flaps billowing around her gizzard. She was rushed to Mount Sinai where nobody who knows shit currently knows her condition. But the celebrity media loves them some life cycle events. They pen obituaries and tributes in advance so they can publish while the fingertips are still warm. Not such a bad idea really as far as death hacks. I just didn’t mind for Joan, just in case.

Joan Rivers, occasionally funny, always cunty, the gays have lost a solid crone. RIP. Or see you on Fashion Police next Friday. Whichever way this turns.

Photo credit: E! Television

Joan Rivers Just Won’t Go Away

By Matt August 08, 2014 @ 7:19 AM

Rivers

Joan Rivers threw out some incendiary comments regarding the Gaza conflict but nobody really cared because everybody knows she’s creepy old and desperate for attention. Rivers is turning into the grandma who drops an N Bomb and everyone shrugs and walks into the kitchen for more iced tea because you don’t suddenly stop with the N Bombs at 85. Rivers has consistently been fishing for headlines by shouting fucked up ideas, like her opus on Gaza:

“They started it. We now don’t count who’s dead. You’re dead, you deserve to be dead.”

Rivers is just babbling and hoping she is still lumped into the comic category because she wears a bunch of dumb props around town and Kelly Osbourne drunk guffaws at all of her jokes. Rivers hasn’t been tossed out of the TV industry because everybody’s worried if they confront her she’ll drop dead and they’ll have to touch her body to hide it. Any even slightly younger comic would be shunned by Hollywood and relegated to discussing past decades on VH1. If Rivers plan is to parade around town spewing hate speech until she prat falls into her coffin, she should probably pay for some better joke writers in her ear.

Joan Rivers: Twitter 

Joan Rivers Isn’t Sorry About Her Bad Jokes (VIDEO)

By Travis April 24, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Ancient comedienne Joan Rivers and her talentless daughter Melissa have apparently had a reality show on the WE network for several years now, and it reveals how zany and bizarre their life is together, as they continue to be the only people who can stand them. They were on the Today Show this week to promote the series, and while describing a scene in which Joan is tearing down a wall in their home, she explained that “Those women in the basement in Cleveland had more space,” referring to Amanda Berry and Gina DeJesus, who were held hostage by Ariel Castro for a decade.

Now, Amanda’s and Gina’s lawyers are demanding an apology, and Joan told TMZ that she’s too old to give a shit about what their lawyers want.

“They got to live rent free for more than a decade.”

“One of them has a book deal. Neither are in a psych ward. They’re ok. I bet you within 3 years one of them will be on Dancing with the Stars.”

People are obviously offended, because it’s a weekday and people need something to be offended about, but who honestly gives a shit what Joan says anymore? She’d probably get an even better TV show if she just keeps saying the most offensive shit that she can think of. Preferably about her worthless daughter.

Joan Rivers Calls Lena Dunham A Dangerous Diabetes Causing Fatty

By Jack March 27, 2014 @ 2:34 PM

Pickled fashion crone Joan Rivers attacked Lena Dunham’s weight and the message her fat ass sends to girls. It all started when the legendary comedian took time away from luring kids into her gingerbread house oven to go on The Howard Stern Show. The topic of Dunham came up and the dress she wore to a recent event that showed off some tight cellulite above the knee. Rivers took umbrage to this and said that it sends the wrong message to girls. When Stern (who has previously apologized for calling Dunham that ‘little fat chick’) said that her whole spiel is that she doesn’t give a shit, Rivers said,

“But that’s wrong. You are sending a message out to people saying, ‘It’s okay. Stay fat. Get diabetes. Everybody die, lose your fingers. I’m saying if you look the way you look, Lena — and that’s fine and you’re funny — but don’t say it’s okay that other girls can look like this. Try to look better. Try to look better!”

Finally, someone says what everyone is thinking. People are always saying how awesome Dunham is for showing what a real woman with curves looks like.. Those aren’t curves, they’re lumps. Sofia Vergara has curves. She says it’s okay to be fat and proud, and it’s not. I guess it’s okay to be fat, if you must, just not the proud part. Some good does come out of models and actors being so thin and perfect. It fat shames the rest of us obese Wal-Mart Twinkie eaters to get off our gigantic asses and hit the treadmill and not bankrupt Obamacare in its infancy. If suddenly it’s cool to be overweight, that damn falcon faced Joan Rivers will actually be right. I can’t live in a world where Lena Dunham is naked on my TV screen and Joan Rivers deserves a round of applause.

The Kardashians Are Pissed About This Stupid Sex Tape Spoof (VIDEO)

By Travis March 27, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Joan Rivers enlisted Ray J’s help to make a spoof of Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, because it’s not like he has anything better to do than to continue sucking the dust out of the corpse of the one thing that made him famous seven years ago. But even though it was that sex tape that made the Kardashians stars in the first place, TMZ thinks that all of them are still furious whenever people bring it up, and that’s why Khloe Kardashian backed out on a guest host gig on Joan’s show Fashion Police at the last second. Khloe must have only agreed to do it because it’s an E! show, because Joan has always loved being a bitch to the Kardashians, so this isn’t anything new. But she also probably agreed to do it because it’s on TV, and these girls would hump a pack of donkeys in the center of Tijuana if it meant five more minutes of fame.

Joan Rivers Brow Shames North West

By Jack January 21, 2014 @ 2:53 PM

Hollywood crypt keeper Joan Rivers aimed her millennia old venom at Kim and Kanye’s demon spawn North West. It all went down on an episode of Rivers’ horrifically terrible Fashion Police show. The subject of the Kardashian/West womb weasel came up and the ever controversial Rivers commented on North’s unibrow. She said,

“That baby is ugly … I’ve never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing”

Normally I would agree that it is fucked up to make fun of an infant. But that demon spawn  looks like fucking Bert from Sesame Street. Not that Kim should wax that shit. She’s a little child and they just have to deal with the fact that she looks like one of those baby Ewoks from Return of the Jedi. When Kim was previously accused of waxing North’s eyebrows Kim tweeted back,

“Do people really think I would wax my daughters eyebrows so young? Come on, I’d wait until she’s at least 2 1/2!”

Haha, Kim’s paid social media writer made a funny. But seriously, laser a break in that brow, you shape-shifting succubus..