By Lex March 16, 2015 @ 10:14 AM
Comedy Central filmed their Justin Bieber Roast over the weekend because they needed the money. A bunch of athletes and rappers and comedians who’ve never met Bieber roasted him with generic sex jokes primarily regarding Selena Gomez. They also invited Martha Stewart because that’s just funny. The Kardashians guffawed from the front row, prodded by invisible fence collars that let them know when something was funny. Bieber suffered through it, before reciting a few one liners provided by his writer and then got to the reason he put up with this shit in the first place. The grand mea culpa:
There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old, and I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. There’s been moments I’m really proud of and a lot of moments I look back and I’m pretty disappointed with myself for. But the things that I’ve done really don’t define who I am. I’m a kind-hearted person who loves people and, through it all, lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry. But what I can say is that I’m looking forward to being someone you can look at and be proud of. Someone close to me once said how you rise from a fall is how you are truly defined as a man
And with that, every single element of what could possibly ruin a comedy roast was officially deployed. Bieber was hustled onto his private jet to get wicked baked and fly to Vegas to take half a mill for hosting his birthday party two weeks late at the new Caesar’s Nightclub. People looked at him and tried to be proud.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex March 09, 2015 @ 12:55 PM
There’s no more loathsome bore than a recovering addict. Sharing is not absolution and I don’t want your amends. Just go away and come back when you’re wasted Tommy again. Thomas the Sober is a relentless asshole. I feel the same way about Justin Bieber. That whole he’s found religion and grown up nonsense was tiring. Usher’s only honest moments come when he has a dick in his shitter. Nobody changed. The only nearly admirable thing about Justin Bieber was how how many sad young women he plowed. He was a little douche, but at least he had scoreboard. I’m pleased midget Caligula is back. That game of pretend was the worst. The cops got called to his hotel room over the weekend for kicking too many whores out of his suite on the seventh day of his 21st birthday celebration. Even God rested on the seventh day. But God didn’t have South Florida beach tail as an option. I still hate this kid, but I begrudgingly respect the manner in which he put his dick in charge of his affairs. Let’s no more this talk of change. It’s just another word for surrender.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Matt March 05, 2015 @ 7:06 AM
Some future food stamp recipients have been arguing on comment threads about whether Justin Bieber’s Men’s Health magazine cover is Photoshopped. Let me save you the trouble, who gives a fuck. It appears the photo is real yet Bieber is flexing his twink extremities while trying to look casual. While this isn’t a genuine representation of what he looks like eating cereal it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s foul play involved. You can shove a a portable car jack down your boxers to make your dick look bigger and stand on step stool to appear more Tom Cruise in stature, that isn’t Photoshop, it’s just resourcefulness. Let’s stop abusing the term Photoshop and start verbally abusing Bieber at his MetRex appearances. Also you can’t take a selfie from ten yards away. I know you’re confused. Call your grandkids.
Photo Credit: MensHealth.com
By Jack February 20, 2015 @ 11:30 AM
Nickleback lead Singer Chad Kroeger attacked fellow Canuck d-bag Justin Bieber for being a d-bag too. There’s obviously no side to root for here except the very precise meteor because most of Canada still deserves to live long enough to be raped of its oil deposits.
Read all about Chad’s feelings towards Justin. (TMZ)
Hot narcissitic chicks take steamy selfies in the mirror. (The Chive)
Jessica Lowndes bikinis like a fucking champ. (Egotastic)
Parks and Rec producer Harris Wittels dies of an apparent overdose. (Huffington Post)
Samantha Hoopes gives good underboob for GQ UK. (Drunken Stepfather)
Xenia Deli always manages to get my pressure up. (Hollywood Tuna)
Pete Doherty makes a life size crucifix with himself in place of Jesus because he’s a huge douche. (Dlisted)
By Lex February 18, 2015 @ 8:29 AM
The entire point of a celebrity roast is to see who can get liquored up and deliver the most outlandish slams on their fellow drinking buddies. It’s a universally understood concept by any man who’s ever drank too much with friends. It’s how men bond. And occasionally some cool women who you might want to get with after you’re too drunk to do anything about it. Sometimes the roast is funny, sometimes it sucks, but that’s the constant.
Justin Bieber doesn’t have witty cool friends and nobody wants to drink with him. He’s not the regular guy in the Miller commercial you identify with, he’s the dick drinking the pretentious cocktail. Comedy Central is roasting Justin Bieber because he’s famous and will draw a shitload of teen viewers who don’t even understand the goof. Also, he’s perfected the ‘c’mon, guys’ face for the people he’s never met who will be roasting him. We accept that Katy Perry comes out in a girdle with sharks at halftime to sing her hits. When the NFL insists she play QB for the team in the lead to promote fairness, that’s when we look for anything else sports on TV. Not that a Comedy Central Roast stands for much, but I suppose it stood for something. Now that something is gone. I’m starting to understand why old people are ready to pull the plug.
By Matt February 02, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Justin Bieber lives in this dope Tony Stark futurama mansion. It comes with four bathrooms with cocaine already railed out on the porcelain counter tops. While I am waking up and tapping my thermometer this motherfucker has his hyperbaric pressure regulated to the nearest thousandth degree celsius. It also has one of those machines that tongues your butthole and a trash compactor and hover board. The rent on the place is $60,000 a month according to TMZ who went through his trash hoping to find the magical spent condom Harvey pays for in gold bullion.
That seems like a hefty bill until you realize how small of a percentage of his monthly pay check goes toward rent compared to fucks like us. In fact, Bieber could afford four of these places and a fighter jet to bomb the first three because he thinks he saw a scary spider in them. You don’t need a crib like this to be happy in life. But you do need it to get laid without any work whatsoever. Which turns out to be the single most important factor to being happy in life. That’s circular.
Photo Credit: Googlemaps.com