Justin Bieber Rapes Lady Justice Again

By Lex August 13, 2014 @ 7:49 AM

Justin-Bieber-Mugshot-from-Miami

Justin Bieber escaped any serious charges in his drag racing arrest from Florida last Winter by using the defense of being rich and having really important attorneys. It was a brilliant tactical maneuver. You may recall this past January Bieber’s dad, who serves as his son’s cruise director, marked off a residential street near Miami so Justin could race his Lambo against his buddy’s Ferrari. When the cops showed up, Bieber threw a major league fuck-you-coppers rant that would’ve left him with three broken ribs and the inability to see out of his left orbital socket for six months if he’d tried that in The Bronx. He also tested positive for weed and Xanax and was nailed for having an expired driver’s license.

Things looked pretty bleak for the junior lieutenant of the Lollipop Guild until everybody remembered that celebrities don’t do time. So, today they settled on careless driving, peacefully resisting arrest or some shit, an anger management course, and a $50,000 donation to a charity that helps judges in the Miami area get boats so they can go fishing with their overworked bailiffs, or prostitutes if their bailiffs are unavailable. For all that, Bieber gets to skip any jail time and ditches the DUI charge which means he can still race his foreign sports cars until such time as he kills a child and gets ordered to attend two anger management classes.

Photo credit: Splash News

Justin Bieber Gets Real And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 08, 2014 @ 12:16 PM

biebsmalala

Justin Bieber is the global equivalent of ass cancer. But he’s got decent publicists. They set up a Facetime chat with inspirational Pakistani women’s rights activist Malala Yousafzai. What does a mincing mini-troll like Bieber have to say to a girl who took a bullet just for asking to go to school? You know, stuff.

Read all about Bieber’s latest publicity fuckfest. (Dlisted)

Apparently, the new TMNT movie is…wait for it…really super fucking shitty. (io9)

Miley Cyrus posts a video of her fumbling in the dark getting high. (Drunken Stepfather)

Kourtney Kardashian compares naked preggo selfies with her mom. (Huffington Post)

Chrissy Teigen showing off her titties in Esquire? Yes. (Popoholic)

Trust me, you want to see the new UFC Latin America’s Octagon Girls. (COED)

Do you want to see a clip from the Lifetime Unauthorized ‘Saved By The Bell’ Movie? (Fox News)

(Photo Via Instagram)

Floyd Mayweather Has a Love Misunderstood

By Matt July 17, 2014 @ 6:01 AM

Bieber Mayweather

Floyd Mayweather said he is actually friends with Justin Bieber and not just pretending to like Justin Bieber like the rest of the people who like Justin Bieber. Mayweather was offended when it was suggested otherwise, as if him and Biebs used to hustle in the same crew back in the D in the late 80′s:

“To me, that’s kind of racial profiling”

Clearly Mayweather does not understand what that term means. Being questioned about your  relationship with a twink Canadian pop star does not make you the next Rubin Hurricane Carter. People don’t find your best buddies relationship strange because Bieber is white. Nobody thinks it’s weird that Tim Duncan is friends with Manu Ginobili. Denzel Washington has probably never been asked why he occasionally dines with Tom Hanks, since neither of them are known sociopaths or will be releasing a line of backpacks together in the near future.

Nobody hangs with Bieber unless he is buying. Alright maybe to pick off some barely legal Beliebers, but young white chicks don’t like getting punched. They’re not like old school entourage who could take a fist to the brow and keep mum for the authorities. Mayweather either has a low down fetish for bratty schoolchildren or is grooming Bieber for a future restaurant chain investment loan once he blows his fight money on child support and paying off the goombahs who fixed his Mosley fight. ‘Because I actually like Justin’ is not a legitimate answer to any question.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Justin Bieber Loads Up a Yacht Full of Skank

By Lex July 07, 2014 @ 12:10 PM

Justin Bieber Parties With Skanky Girls On His Yacht In Miami
The more Justin Bieber rents yachts and loads them up with strippers and booze, the more I begrudgingly have to respect the little shit weasel. If it weren’t for the trio of bloated social media assistants and handlers he has riding the stern of his ship, he’d almost be a relatively non-asshole rich young guy. What twenty year old who just beat his last two police raps wouldn’t be banging curvy Latinas on a yacht if they had a Scrooge McDuck amount of coin in the bank? He’s like a very tiny outlaw. I have to admire him in a small way. I’m sure it won’t last.

Photo Credit: Splash, AKM-GSI

Justin Bieber Drops More N-Bombs to Music (VIDEO)

By Lex June 04, 2014 @ 1:53 PM

The guy who wrote Justin Bieber’s recent apology for Justin’s racist joke that got leaked in a video forgot to mention there might be more coming. Apparently, 14 to 15 was a trying age for Justin, when he was exploring his musical roots, learning to adjust to newfound fame, and trying to set the Canadian record for dropping N-bombs on camera. In this latest ditty seen on TMZ, Justin inserts the n-word in place of girl as he parodies his own shitty song, One Less Lonely Girl and adds a verse about joining the KKK. According to completely objective explanation from Justin’s publicity team, Justin himself wanted these ugly clips released to the public because people who had them were extorting him with the threat that the racist label wouldn’t look so good appended to the end of his spoiled asshole miniature twat douchenozzle reputation. According to these same sources, Justin told Usher long ago about the existence of these video clips. When Usher found out, he took Justin into a private room to show him historically racist videos to drive home the hurtful nature of prejudice and hate speech. At least, that’s what people assumed was going on when they heard Usher yelling ‘don’t you close your eyes, bitch!’ and Justin crying from behind the locked door for thirty long minutes.

Justin Bieber Fake Apologizes for Being Fifteen and Short and Racist

By Lex June 02, 2014 @ 3:18 PM

Justin Bieber And Usher Go Running Together
Here’s a fact. Every white kid knows at least one racist joke. Black kids know at least two. The Spanish kids probably know tons more but I could never figure out what they were saying when they pointing at me in high school and laughing. TMZ has been sitting for four years on a video of Justin Bieber telling an obviously offensive joke about black people made when he was fifteen and before the entire world wanted to punch him in the bangs.

(From the video) Justin Bieber: Why are black people afraid of chain saws?” (imitating sound of chain saw) Run nigger nigger nigger nigger.

Which goes to show two things. First, I’ll get in more trouble for printing the words Justin said than Justin did for saying them. I really need to find a way to be worth more money to more people. Two, racist jokes are never really funny. Not inherently because they’re racist, but because the great minds in comedy aren’t desperately trying to come up with the next great joke involving the word jigaboo.

According to TMZ, they sat on the video until now because of Justin’s age of innocence at the time. That almost makes sense if we knew nothing about TMZ, celebrity media, or reality. Still, Justin was forced hire a guy only slightly more eloquent than Rob Ford’s oft-used apologist to pen a hollow I’m so terribly sorry statement:

As a young man, I didn’t understand the power of certain words and how they can hurt. I thought it was OK to repeat hurtful words and jokes, but didn’t realize at the time that it wasn’t funny and that in fact my actions were continuing the ignorance. I take my friendships with people of all cultures very seriously and I apologize for offending or hurting anyone with my childish and inexcusable mistake. I was a kid then and I am a man now who knows my responsibility to the world and to not make that mistake again.

That’s Justin saying sorry for acting like an asshole at the last age he was before he actually became an asshole. It only makes sense if indeed time is not linear, but actually a circle. It’s unlikely Justin will suffer any repercussion among his fellow even blacker hip hop stars. It’s universally recognized the racism doesn’t even make the top ten list of reasons people want to see Justin Bieber drown slowly in quicksand, while crying, and you throwing a rope at him repeatedly, but just short of where his uniquely short arms can reach, while making chainsaw sounds.

Photo Credit: Justin Bieber/Instagram