By Lex July 15, 2015 @ 1:33 PM
When I heard Interview magazine was releasing photos of Justin Bieber cupping, I feared pictures of a hairless Gimli holding some unsigned rapper’s junk in his little baby hands was coming next. This might actually be worse. Bieber joined in the line of voodoo health nuts like Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow and other celebrities without penises who treat their bodies with ancient Eastern suction cup therapy. I hope whoever sold Bieber on this didn’t make him believe this would get the gay out. Good luck getting a refund out of the Mexican dude pretending to be Chinese. Next time, I recommend more intense sucking power. Try using a vacuum sealer or Andy Dick. You’ll know it’s working when you can see your spleen on the outside of your body. That’s not the time to quit. Crank up the suction until the Lollipop Guild welcomes you to heaven. This stuff really works.
Photo Credit: Interview Magazine
By Matt July 14, 2015 @ 7:45 AM
Justin Bieber apologized for posting a shot of his ass on Instagram. Not for the reasons you’d think like it’s obnoxious and he’s accepting payouts from an overseas gay porn site, but apparently one of his friend’s daughters saw it, which is by far the creepiest possible scenario:
“Hey I Deleted the photo of my butt on Instagram not because I thought it was bad but someone close to me’s daughter follows me and she was embarrassed that she saw my butt and I totally wasn’t thinking in that aspect.”
The problem might lie with your friend’s parenting of her illegitimate child. Your ass is tough to look at but much less offensive than any one of your overproduced songs. Or your gay wigger face. I thought Instagram had a nudity policy. Don’t let that pass for standards, they specifically allow pigs to wallow in shit. Two years from now that little girl will be a music video whore. It’s all your fault. Now we’re going to stick this Q-tip in your urethra. Go ahead and murder the help on your rented boat just don’t let the guy’s genitals peak out in the crime scene photo. That would be offensive.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Jack April 10, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
A judge in Argentina has issued an arrest warrant for Justin Bieber. It’s because of an assault charge from last year. If there is a God that walking shit-eating grin will end up in an Argentine jail getting plowed by a guacho.
Read all about Justin’s latest troubles. (TMZ)
Scantily clad chicks on beds. That is all. (The Chive)
Look up Jennifer Nicole Lee’s skirt and enjoy her booty cheeks. (Egotastic)
Selena Gomez has killer cleav in a sexy swimsuit. (Huffington Post)
Brooke Nash has some fabulous tits. (Drunken Stepfather)
Chloe Goodman’s sideboob is a very good thing. (Hollywood Tuna)
Edita Vilkeviciutes in lingerie will melt your eyeballs. (Popoholic)
By Lex April 10, 2015 @ 10:41 AM
The lovable little fucktard smurf is through with the mea culpa nonsense and now intent on banging every decent looking celebrity daughter in Hollywood. If you’re angry because you’re short and your mom’s a whore and she was the better parent, why not use your baby wang to get back at God. Justin Bieber isn’t The Brain. He can’t conjure up plots for world domination. But he can fuck all the Baldwin and Jenner girls before noon. It’s not a bad bingo card to fill out. There’s some natural rooting interest behind the vengeance filled twerp determined to win his reunion. Bieber didn’t do school so this is his moment to tell everybody what he’s been up to the past ten years. Whip out the photo album of all the models and celebrities who begged you to finish inside of them. That beats Kenny making Junior Manager.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Vogue
By Matt March 30, 2015 @ 6:33 AM
Ludacris is pissed because he does not approve of jokes that were made about Paul Walker at the Justin Bieber Roast and apparently lobbied Comedy Central to edit them out because he believes people give a shit what he thinks:
“I was told and promised that they would edit those out. Some of those were over the line.”
Sounds good Delores Tucker. Maybe you should call Tipper Gore and have a book burning party over some hot toddies. One of the jokes in question was made by fat comedian Jeff Ross and referenced a Ludacris song:
‘”Move bitch, get out of the way!’ is what Paul Walker should’ve told that tree. Too soon? Too fast? Too furious?”
There was little point in a Paul Walker joke at a Justin Bieber roast, but there was little point in a Justin Bieber roast other than a cynical plan fueled by Bieber’s public relations team and Viacom desperate for attention. You showed up and took the money. I’m sure I could search the Ludacris rap lyrical library and find something telling whores to shut the fuck up. Please, don’t make me do it.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt March 24, 2015 @ 6:06 AM
Lil Twist, who has wrecked Justin Bieber’s car and thrown unsanctioned parties at his house, has been charged with six felonies including burglary, grand larceny, and being named Lil Twist. Twist was crashing at Kyle Massey’s apartment, who is a Disney channel child actor and probably just as badass as Lil Twist. When Massey’s brother kicked Twist and his posse of confident midgets out of their apartment they returned and assaulted him with brass knuckles and stole his wallet. That wasn’t a great idea, since there was a clear motive and also there aren’t that many dudes out there named Lil Twist wearing twenty-eight pounds of faux jewelry. A warrant has been issued for his arrest. When Bieber’s P.R. people convince him not to lend legal support to this also-ran, he’s going to be up shit creek. If you can’t imagine a much larger inmate asking this kid in the showers how he got the nickname, Lil Twist, you’re not imagining fun enough.
Photo Credit: Getty Images