Justin Bieber bleached his hair blond after asking the gilded mirror on his wall how to look like an even bigger asshole. You don’t have to listen to the mirror. Or identify as a Latvian twink. Sometimes prostitute preemies turn out just fine. Not most of the time. Remember when The AIDS used to be less selective?
It remains unclear why Justin Bieber broke down in tears following two shitty songs performed with harness at the MTV VMAs. Some are suggesting it was a stress induced menstrual gush. But he’s a boy, dammit! As Bieber tilts his head forward in his hand the show producers played what was an obviously pre-recorded track with Bieber sharing his philosophy on life, such as, it’s a journey, not a destination, and remember to pay your Brazilian hookers a bonus for shutting the fuck up about your wee dick. The MTV VMAs are chock full of wonderfully candid completely rehearsed moments. If Bieber’s salty drops helped just one girl realize that she’s too gullible to ever live outside a monitored living situation, it was all worthwhile. Do we have a start date for those non-citizen deportations yet?
When I heard Interview magazine was releasing photos of Justin Bieber cupping, I feared pictures of a hairless Gimli holding some unsigned rapper’s junk in his little baby hands was coming next. This might actually be worse. Bieber joined in the line of voodoo health nuts like Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow and other celebrities without penises who treat their bodies with ancient Eastern suction cup therapy. I hope whoever sold Bieber on this didn’t make him believe this would get the gay out. Good luck getting a refund out of the Mexican dude pretending to be Chinese. Next time, I recommend more intense sucking power. Try using a vacuum sealer or Andy Dick. You’ll know it’s working when you can see your spleen on the outside of your body. That’s not the time to quit. Crank up the suction until the Lollipop Guild welcomes you to heaven. This stuff really works.
Justin Bieber apologized for posting a shot of his ass on Instagram. Not for the reasons you’d think like it’s obnoxious and he’s accepting payouts from an overseas gay porn site, but apparently one of his friend’s daughters saw it, which is by far the creepiest possible scenario:
“Hey I Deleted the photo of my butt on Instagram not because I thought it was bad but someone close to me’s daughter follows me and she was embarrassed that she saw my butt and I totally wasn’t thinking in that aspect.”
The problem might lie with your friend’s parenting of her illegitimate child. Your ass is tough to look at but much less offensive than any one of your overproduced songs. Or your gay wigger face. I thought Instagram had a nudity policy. Don’t let that pass for standards, they specifically allow pigs to wallow in shit. Two years from now that little girl will be a music video whore. It’s all your fault. Now we’re going to stick this Q-tip in your urethra. Go ahead and murder the help on your rented boat just don’t let the guy’s genitals peak out in the crime scene photo. That would be offensive.
A judge in Argentina has issued an arrest warrant for Justin Bieber. It’s because of an assault charge from last year. If there is a God that walking shit-eating grin will end up in an Argentine jail getting plowed by a guacho.
The lovable little fucktard smurf is through with the mea culpa nonsense and now intent on banging every decent looking celebrity daughter in Hollywood. If you’re angry because you’re short and your mom’s a whore and she was the better parent, why not use your baby wang to get back at God. Justin Bieber isn’t The Brain. He can’t conjure up plots for world domination. But he can fuck all the Baldwin and Jenner girls before noon. It’s not a bad bingo card to fill out. There’s some natural rooting interest behind the vengeance filled twerp determined to win his reunion. Bieber didn’t do school so this is his moment to tell everybody what he’s been up to the past ten years. Whip out the photo album of all the models and celebrities who begged you to finish inside of them. That beats Kenny making Junior Manager.