Bieber’s Buddy Charged

By Matt March 24, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

Twist

Lil Twist, who has wrecked Justin Bieber’s car and thrown unsanctioned parties at his house, has been charged with six felonies including burglary, grand larceny, and being named Lil Twist. Twist was crashing at Kyle Massey’s apartment, who is a Disney channel child actor and probably just as badass as Lil Twist. When Massey’s brother kicked Twist and his posse of confident midgets out of their apartment they returned and assaulted him with brass knuckles and stole his wallet. That wasn’t a great idea, since there was a clear motive and also there aren’t that many dudes out there named Lil Twist wearing twenty-eight pounds of faux jewelry. A warrant has been issued for his arrest. When Bieber’s P.R. people convince him not to lend legal support to this also-ran, he’s going to be up shit creek. If you can’t imagine a much larger inmate asking this kid in the showers how he got the nickname, Lil Twist, you’re not imagining fun enough.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Bieber’s Egging Victim Gets Greedy

By Matt March 23, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

Schwartz

Justin Bieber’s neighbor Jeff Schwartz has already received $80,000 for damages from eggs being thrown at his house which is slightly above market value. How much does a Brillo Pad run these days? He’s now going for a cool million, alleging emotional distress and damage to his reputation. Schwartz thinks he is now too closely identified as the guy who is suing Bieber, which could easily be remedied if he wasn’t suing Bieber. That being said you can spit on me once and call me racial epithets if there’s a million bucks at the end of the line, just don’t touch my weave.

Schwartz sells cars online. I’m not sure how his business has been impacted by Bieber and his brat pack stoners but my guess is it hasn’t. You can’t have it both ways Schwartz. If you want to file a bogus lawsuit people are going to notice. You’re the one holding the keys here. Next time there’s a problem walk over and calmly explain to that Canadian twink how you’re going to trade a thug a Mercedes SLS to murder him if he doesn’t turn the music down. There’s no need to involve the courts. Unless you follow through. You only live once.

Photo Credit: JeffreySchwartz.com 

Justin Bieber Good People

By Matt March 20, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

JT

Justin Bieber is being sued by the neighbor whose house he egged. It is unclear if Bieber indeed spit on the guy or if Bieber’s bodyguard hurled anti-Semitic insults at him and his little daughter as the lawsuit alleges. Either way, this was all supposed to be taken care of by Bieber’s apology to the universe at his roast. The egg-throwing, spitting, insulting Bieber was yesterday, or maybe a few days ago depending on tape delays. In the meantime, if you don’t want to deal with future Inside Edition correspondents and motley crews of drag racing junior rappers, move to the fucking suburbs. Oh right you’re in Calabasas. Better hit Costco and buy a standalone bunker. These shit for brains aren’t going anywhere soon. Sorry about your rug.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Justin Bieber Stoned Cold Roasted

By Lex March 16, 2015 @ 10:14 AM

Justin Bieber Tries To Keep Eyes Open During His 21st Birthday At Omnia
Comedy Central filmed their Justin Bieber Roast over the weekend because they needed the money. A bunch of athletes and rappers and comedians who’ve never met Bieber roasted him with generic sex jokes primarily regarding Selena Gomez. They also invited Martha Stewart because that’s just funny. The Kardashians guffawed from the front row, prodded by invisible fence collars that let them know when something was funny. Bieber suffered through it, before reciting a few one liners provided by his writer and then got to the reason he put up with this shit in the first place. The grand mea culpa:

There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old, and I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. There’s been moments I’m really proud of and a lot of moments I look back and I’m pretty disappointed with myself for. But the things that I’ve done really don’t define who I am. I’m a kind-hearted person who loves people and, through it all, lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry. But what I can say is that I’m looking forward to being someone you can look at and be proud of. Someone close to me once said how you rise from a fall is how you are truly defined as a man

And with that, every single element of what could possibly ruin a comedy roast was officially deployed. Bieber was hustled onto his private jet to get wicked baked and fly to Vegas to take half a mill for hosting his birthday party two weeks late at the new Caesar’s Nightclub. People looked at him and tried to be proud.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Justin Bieber Is Back

By Lex March 09, 2015 @ 12:55 PM

Justin Bieber Surrounded By Bikini Girls For His 21st Birthday At Fountainbleu Hotel In Miami

There’s no more loathsome bore than a recovering addict. Sharing is not absolution and I don’t want your amends. Just go away and come back when you’re wasted Tommy again. Thomas the Sober is a relentless asshole. I feel the same way about Justin Bieber. That whole he’s found religion and grown up nonsense was tiring. Usher’s only honest moments come when he has a dick in his shitter. Nobody changed. The only nearly admirable thing about Justin Bieber was how how many sad young women he plowed. He was a little douche, but at least he had scoreboard. I’m pleased midget Caligula is back. That game of pretend was the worst. The cops got called to his hotel room over the weekend for kicking too many whores out of his suite on the seventh day of his 21st birthday celebration. Even God rested on the seventh day. But God didn’t have South Florida beach tail as an option. I still hate this kid, but I begrudgingly respect the manner in which he put his dick in charge of his affairs. Let’s no more this talk of change. It’s just another word for surrender.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

The Biebs Manually Photoshops

By Matt March 05, 2015 @ 7:06 AM

Biebs

Some future food stamp recipients have been arguing on comment threads about whether Justin Bieber’s Men’s Health magazine cover is Photoshopped. Let me save you the trouble, who gives a fuck. It appears the photo is real yet Bieber is flexing his twink extremities while trying to look casual. While this isn’t a genuine representation of what he looks like eating cereal it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s foul play involved. You can shove a a portable car jack down your boxers to make your dick look bigger and stand on step stool to appear more Tom Cruise in stature, that isn’t Photoshop, it’s just resourcefulness. Let’s stop abusing the term Photoshop and start verbally abusing Bieber at his MetRex appearances. Also you can’t take a selfie from ten yards away. I know you’re confused. Call your grandkids.

Photo Credit: MensHealth.com