Justin Bieber Takes Control of His Bitches

By Lex January 28, 2014 @ 1:41 PM

Justin Bieber Films A Video On An ATV As Chantel Jefferies Watches In A Bikini In Panama
Building off the dressing down he gave Tubbs and Crockett for pulling the plug on his street racing, Bieber came down with full 65-lb bench press force on his entourage and the bitch he’s currently let service his gift. What Bieber’s inner circle thought would be an intervention down in Panama has turned into the Canadian King Joffrey drinking beers on the beach and insisting he be filmed riding his ATV for some epic new music video moments. Meanwhile, Bieber consort and young scholar Chantel Jeffries had been using a lawyer to secretly shop around her Tales of Whorish Street Racing with Justin to the morning talk shows for twenty grand. When Bieber’s spies appraised him of the situation, he raised his mighty hammer and ordered her to cut that shit out. And she did. Then Bieber ordered Chantel to dress him to match the Bad Touch girl doll that prosecutors let her keep form all her childhood court cases. Bow down before Zed, the Canadian douche god and pray to be spared.

Photo Credit: Splash

Justin Bieber Flees to Panama

By Lex January 27, 2014 @ 4:30 PM

Justin Bieber Mobbed By Fans At The Beach In Panama
Not since Manuel Noriega used to throw chickens out in the pueblocitos has anybody received such uproarious Panamanian welcome as Justin Bieber. Like so many small angry criminals before him, Bieber grabbed his lawless skeez Chantel and fled from Miami to Panama in the dead of the night. Justin and Chantel were seen the next morning parasailing and hanging out with some brews on the beach. For Bieber, Central America provides the perfect balance of lawlessness and lawlessness. The drinking age in Panama is 18. Also, you can kill poor people with your rented Lamborghini for $5 a head. Rumor is that Usher has flown down to Panama for an all-hands intervention with his protege. Though it could also be because of their lax views on pederasty. For a couple hundred bucks, you can live like a Roman Emperor down there.

Photo Credit: Splash

Bieber’s Leeches Want Him To Seek Therapy

By Travis January 24, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Now that Justin Bieber is out of jail after having ratted on his mom for being his Xanax supplier, he’s free to go back to doing whatever shithead things he wants to do until the Los Angeles Police Department gathers enough chicken fetus DNA to convict him of felony assholery on his neighbor. But some of Bieber’s friends and enablers think that he should skip the partying and seek help, if not in rehab, then through psychotherapy. According to TMZ, Bieber is completely against rehab but hasn’t ruled out therapy, which is a good sign, because talking with a trained medical professional can do wonders for any little girl’s self-esteem issues.

Photo Credit: Getty

Justin Bieber Rats Out His Mom, Released from Fake Jail

By Lex January 23, 2014 @ 5:13 PM

Justin Bieber left the Miami Courthouse one repentant androgynous boy. Don’t let the leather pants and the climbing on top of his SUV and the waving to the public fool you, Justin is quite contrite. In fact, before he left the long arm of the law, he narced on his mom for being the provider of the prescription meds he takes along with his drink and his weed to make himself a better driver. He folded like a little lesbian accordion as he fingered his mom for feeding him Xanax. Like most animals on the small side of their breed, he suffers from an immense amount of generalized anxiety. You would too if a bird of prey could dive from the sky and pluck you from terra firma without warning. I’m not sure the doctor recommends taking the Xanax with Sizzurp and weed,  but he’s not getting it from his doctor, he’s getting it from his mom. Like most former pregnant teen runaways, she has a degree in street medicine. I think she can legally perform surgeries in El Salvador.

Judge Sentences Justin Bieber to Death!

By colin January 23, 2014 @ 2:21 PM

Justin Bieber faced the judge in Miami this morning after his DUI and expired license and street racing arrest and the judge gave him… $2500 bond. It was beyond exciting. CNN landed a helicopter on the courthouse rooftop with thirty-seven television reporters to cover the Justin Bieber arrest after somebody at Time Warner noticed that not a single person had watched CNN for the past six years. Justin was represented by Roy Black, the defense attorney famous for getting William Kennedy Smith off on his rape charges 20 years ago, and more recently getting Rush Limbaugh sentences to a couple rounds on the golf course for scarfing up ill-gotten Oxy. Justin didn’t say a thing. His hair gel also remained quiet. Somebody rightfully advised him not to flash gang signs of flip off the judge to keep his street cred with the homies because he’s not actually black or going to prison and he’s starting to scare America.

Justin Bieber Arrested

By Jack January 23, 2014 @ 12:46 PM

Lesbian Hobbit Justin Bieber was arrested for a DUI and drag racing in Miami Beach earlier this morning. It seems that the tiny tyke was racing his yellow Lamborghini on a residential street with his C-list rap buddies when the cops came by and inquired as to the drunk looking midget behind the wheel of the Italian sports car. The police administered a sobriety test on the little cock weasel and he failed. They’re running more tests to determine just how fucked up he was and if his inebriation also included some drugs or prescription pills. If he’s convicted he could have his license suspended and face some fines and possible jail time. Though the latter seems unlikely since he only thinks he’s black. Justin has more legal resources than the entire D.A’s office in Miami, so I’d expect a fine, some bullshit apology and notice that Justin is checking into rehab next door to Chris Brown. While the entire world awaits their own purchase of authentic Justin tears collected from his jail house backdoor violations, meh, we’re not so lucky just yet.