By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
In an ongoing effort to show us what a joke of a shitshow the Cannes Film Festival has become, not only has Paris Hilton been pretending she’s still a DJ at clubs in the city, but now the boy who couldn’t ever wear a shirt, Justin Bieber, has brought his saggy jeans and tough guy routine to a once-reputable celebration of the movie industry as well. On Sunday night, Justin hit the Gotha night club, where Paris was being paid to keep a lazy eye on her iTunes playlist while she sat in an exclusive VIP area and yelled at people who tried to take pictures. Paris reportedly gave Justin a lap dance at her table, because she’s a respected businesswoman who has really grown and matured as a global entrepreneur.
And if that wasn’t random enough, Justin then met up with Wesley Snipes in the strange video above, and if Blade wanted a way to launch a real comeback as a Hollywood action hero now that he’s out of prison, beating the piss out of Justin might have had him at the front row of the Oscars for the rest of his life. Missed opportunities, Wesley.
By Travis May 20, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
A lot of girls probably want Justin Bieber to be their prom dates, but most of those girls are really stupid and aren’t possibly one of the girls around the world that the pop star is actually dating/sleeping with. Miami model Yovanna Ventura at least seems to think that she’s dating Bieber, because she’s tweeted this same photo of them together twice, and both times she has said that she loves him. And according to Miami New Times, Yovanna has asked her school for permission to bring Bieber to her prom, but she hasn’t received an answer yet, because he hasn’t decided if he actually wants to go. That’s obviously because it’s not a strip club and he can’t act like a spoiled, protected shithead and bring all of his boys, and there are probably more than a few of Yovanna’s classmates at Miami Senior High that wouldn’t mind teaching him what his teeth taste like. On second thought, we should all hope that Bieber accepts and this happens. Only good things can come of this.
By Lex May 14, 2014 @ 12:22 PM
Justin Bieber and his posse of roughriders were playing miniature golf at the Sherman Oaks Castle Park on Monday night when a kerfuffle broke out that carried over into the batting cages. Justin bravely snatched a cell phone away from a chick who was standing nearby to make sure she wasn’t filming his mini-muscles going Jet Li on twenty dudes. Grumpy still hasn’t quite figured out that grabbing some girl’s phone is going to get caught on camera by the next dufus over who is then going to sell it to TMZ and suddenly it’s a thing. Now the police are forced to conduct a phony investigation so more cops and court officials can sell more shit to TMZ about a case of ‘robbery’. Everybody gets excited because they want to see this extra-small cowboy put in the hoosegow and passed around like the communal Fleshlight. But you can’t take out the Dark Lord’s minion with a celebrity misdemeanor. Wake me when silver bullets or You Must Be This Tall to Go On This Ride signs are brought into the mix.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News
By Lex May 06, 2014 @ 3:06 PM
It’s not cool to call Justin Bieber gay. First off, being gay is not a slur. Or it is a slur. I can’t remember the current protocol, but I know it’s not right to yell out at somebody who’s merely an asswipe you want to punch in the tiny nose. Secondly, could somebody who’s gay skateboard like this while his new teen model girlfriend clapped? I think not. Still, people along the Venice boardwalk who got to stand behind Justin’s bodyguard and Yovanna Ventura (porn name unintentional) and the rest of the Bieber posse kept yelling out gay slurs at the lesbian midget with his pants hanging down as he perfected one skate move to post in highly edited form Instagram. Later, Bieber hid from the spurious public commentary by ducking behind his normal sized girlfriend and bodyguard with a Tom Thumb like survivalist approach.
Here’s Yovanna Ventura. She’s a good looking girl. Bieber sleeps with bunches of hot women and also undesirable foreign prostitutes who nurse him like his mother never did. So if you call him gay, that only makes you double gay, because he’s rubber and you’re glue and everything you say bounces off of his glistening oversized baby teeth and lands back on you.
Photo Credit: Yovanna Ventura/Instagram
By Lex May 05, 2014 @ 5:31 PM
Athletes have always been superstitious. I was willing to back Floyd Mayweather on wanting little Ricky Schroeder redux in his corner to bring the leprechaun champ mojo, but when the two started taking selfies and tweeting teen love notes to each other and sharing videos of their joint pre-fight pedicures, I found myself picking up my imaginary sat phone and ordering an airstrike on all of Las Vegas. Fuck Britney and the hundreds of thousands of tubby innocents. I know what Bieber is getting out of his one and only social attachment to something resembling a man, what Mayweather sees in this unholy alliance between boxer and grinning Make-a-Wish stand-in, I do not know. I’m going to go ahead and assume there’s somebody being held in a basement somewhere.
By Travis April 29, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
While Justin Bieber has been trying so hard to prove to everyone how tough he is by dressing like the toughest mother fucker in high school at Coachella this month, his latest song is nothing but a whiny little ballad for all of his sad, horny tween fans. It’s almost impossible to decipher the lyrics for “We Were Born for This,” because the mix of autotune and pussy ache makes this track completely unbearable, but I’m sure that all of Justin’s fans already think it’s the greatest song ever written. All we can really hope for is that they catch on to the subtle remarks about sizzurp, and he’s arrested and charged as soon as the first kid slips into a coma.