Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez Took a Romantic Segway Ride Together

By Travis January 03, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

What’s that old saying? Once you go guys who think they’re black, you never go back? That seems to apply to Selena Gomez this week, as she was out riding Segways with her old boyfriend and the supposedly-retired King of the Douchebags, Justin Bieber, in Calabasas yesterday. But for all we know, Justin could have really, truly cleaned up his act and promised Selena that he’d be a better boyfriend and person to her, as long as she’d be willing to give him another chance at love. And then as soon as she left his place, he’d ask his friend what he had for lunch and then Justin would burp, blow it in his face and say, “I had pussy.”

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Justin Bieber Mutombo’d at the Box Office

By Lex December 30, 2013 @ 4:52 PM

I’m not sure where you go from this. With his second self-satisifed concert documentary Believe earning less than ten percent of his last toilet-smear concert doc, Never Say Never, Justin Bieber huddled with his core team of phonies, hipsters, and clowning assholes to regroup. The day before the film’s release, Justin tried to get attention by announcing his ‘retirement’ on Twitter. Though we’re told by one of his paid spokespersons (there’s a job to to be proud of) that his retirement announcement was just a meta illusion of a young Andy Kaufman like social prankster:

Justin felt that this was the best way to respond to the latest in a long line of inaccurate or wildly exaggerated media reports about him. He chose to channel his frustration into playing along with this baseless rumor and even used “beloved” to tip off his core fans that it wasn’t real.

See, I didn’t realize that ‘beloved’ was his safety word with his fans. So if he says, go steal your parents credit card and download my latest album. He means it. But if he says, I paid twenty Brazilian dollars to let a hooker ram her fingers to the third knuckle up my pucker hole, beloved, then it’s just an inside joke? But that really happened. It’s confusing to be a Justin Bieber fan. I guess so many fans got confused they forgot to go see his movie. Middle school girls and their pederastic moms can be a fickle bunch. I hope Justin has kept something in savings. This world can be cruel to a formerly famous lesbian midget in lifts.

Justin Bieber Tweets Farewell On Christmas Eve

By Jack December 26, 2013 @ 1:09 PM

Justin Bieber Tweeted a farewell message to his pre-diabetic teenage fans on Christmas Eve officially announcing his retirement. Well, as official as Tweeting a rambling message can possibly be. We told you last week about Justin’s shocking announcement that he is retiring from music after his new album drops. According to Justin, he’s just tired of everyone being mean to him. Shed a tear for the lesbian midget. Justin’s Tweets read like the suicide note of a 12 year old girl that was bullied too much on Facebook. He Tweeted:

“My beloved beliebers I’m officially retiring. The media talks a lot about me. They make a up a lot of lies and want me to fail but I’m never leaving you, being a belieber is a lifestyle. Be kind loving to each other, forgive each other as god forgave us through Christ Merry Christmas IM HERE FOREVER.

Putting aside that this fucker doesn’t know how punctuation works, I don’t buy it. Sure, he already has enough money that if he wanted to he could retire at nineteen and fill his days happily pissing in mop buckets and getting crabs from Brazilian prostitutes. But he likes the attention too much to leave the spotlight. He’s well aware that absolutely nobody gives a shit about a retired child star. No, we have many years of beliebing bullshit to look forward to. He really just might be here forever. Unless somebody produces a silver stake, in the name of Jesus.

All Hell Broke Loose At Justin Bieber’s Movie Premiere

By Travis December 20, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Justin Bieber and his crew of nobodies and hanger-ons walked the red carpet for the premiere of his new documentary, Believe, in Los Angeles last night, and naturally the theater was stormed by a mob of his insane teenage fans. Fortunately, no one was reportedly hurt, from Bieber and Usher to the Kardashian girl who is still underage but awkwardly showed off her leg and Jaden Smith’s fly-catching mouth, but it still must have been a scary experience for Bieber, because I assume that he’s stoned out of his mind 24/7. Fortunately, none of this will happen when he finally retires next week, at least until he reveals he’s full of shit by announcing his new album in the spring.

Photo Credits: RHS/Apega/FayesVision/WENN.com

Justin Bieber Is Retiring From Music (VIDEO)

By Travis December 18, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Hooker-loving bucket-pisser Justin Bieber was a guest on Power 106 in Los Angeles yesterday to promote his upcoming album, or maybe we should call it his final album to be more accurate. Bieber, possibly high as fuck, told the dozen or so people in the studio that after Journals is released, he’s “retiring, man” and he’s done with music, because what better way to get people to stop talking about how much of a shithead you are than by threatening to stop doing what you’re famous for? Then, when he’s eventually busted for a DUI or when a dead prostitute is found in his driveway, he can declare, “My new album drops next month!” before tossing the Chris Brown Guide to Public Relations in his trash.

Justin Bieber Might End Up Getting Pounded In An Argentine Jail

By Jack December 13, 2013 @ 1:40 PM

Justin Bieber has managed to set off a possible international dragnet to bring him to justice. An Argentine photographer claims that Bieber’s security team, at Bieber’s request, beat him up and stole his shit. He has asked Interpol to pick up the little snot-nosed shit weasel and bring him back to Argentina to face charges. If Interpol accepts the allegations, Justin could be picked up the next time he travels abroad. He’s gotten into a lot of trouble so far on his international tour. He was caught tagging in Australia and was seen entering a notorious Brazilian brothel. But this time he may have finally crossed the celebrity justice line. This time his little pimply ass might be really in deep shit. So, let us pray.

Oh, dear baby Jesus, I don’t ask you for much. But please, as a Christmas wish for me and everyone one Earth, please let Interpol arrest Justin Bieber. Take him back to Argentina where he will be torn apart by a bunch of gaucho criminals that will pass him around like a fleshlight at the world’s most bromantic frat house. His tears would be worth more than frankincense and myrrh this holiday season. Amen.