Bieber Faces the Music

By Jack February 25, 2014 @ 3:34 PM

Justin Bieber is facing his haters with love and a shitload of attorneys. The twink pop star has chosen to stand trial for his DUI arrest in Miami. The prosecutors had offered the diminutive Canadian a plea deal where he’d get off  with standard celebrity justice: probation and random drug tests. Justin reportedly told those Sunshine State hosers to piss off, aye. Presumably that drug testing part might prevent him from hotboxing private jets and drinking cough medicine with pops. So, now he’s going to have to borrow some big boy pants and go to the Dade County courthouse to face charges. This means that Justin could have his license suspended and could face up to two years locked in a building where his nickname soon becomes ‘Sink the Stink’. Though if you’re a betting man, figure on a fine and a couple weeks of fake rehab. This crooning Napoleon is going to get himself killed well before anybody successfully locks him up.

Georgia Pre-Hates Bieber

By Jack February 24, 2014 @ 4:22 PM

It looks like Atlanta doesn’t want Justin Bieber living in their fair burgh. The residents of Atlanta’s ritzy Buckhead neighborhood dropped their umbrella’d cocktails in horror when it was reported that the Canadian flea was looking at properties in the area. It seems that folks around them parts don’t cotten to a carpet-baggin’, sizzurp drinkin’, car racin’, wigga’ livin’ in their neighborhood. Folks haven’t been this upset in Georgia since Sherman came to visit. A group called the Buckhead Neighborhood Coalition took to Facebook saying,

“As a community here in Buckhead, we have worked hard to achieve our goals and get to where we are. Justin Bieber’s relocation to Atlanta can be nothing but bad for our children, as well as the community. Some can’t even let their children play in the driveway without fear; he has raced vehicles under the influence, before. What’s to say he won’t do it again? As a home owner down the street from this residence, one can assume many people will be contacting real estate agents soon enough.”

Bieber responded to the virtual anti-welcoming party with nothing but Jesus and a song in his heart:

“I guess I’m an easy target for some. I’m still human. I will continue to meet hate with love. It’s all about the music. Much love”

Not to side with a bunch of uppity crackers, but I can’t blame them for wanting to keep that grinning weasel out of their neighborhood. You live in a nice area like that in the South to raise your kids in a safe place free of drag racing, drugs, and most importantly, blacks and Mexicans. There is no real legal way they can keep the petite lesbian out. Even though he’s not American, this is still America. He’s free to buy a house wherever he wants but he should be advised that Southerners have a slightly different version of taking care of annoying neighbors as they do in more progressive Los Angeles. A pitchfork to the sternum usually sends a solid message. I can’t wait to see Bieber respond to that with much love.

Is Bieber Heading To The ATL?

By Jack February 14, 2014 @ 3:58 PM

Justin Bieber is reportedly looking for houses in Atlanta, GA. The tiny tyke has been seen searching for manors in the more desirable parts of the Southern metropolis. Hotlanta has long been considered a mecca for hip hop bad boys with a love of drinking cough syrup cocktails. Being a short black rapper with mediocre talent and a hardcore OTC medication habit is all Bieber has ever wanted to be. He is Bizzle now, after all. Atlanta isn’t the same kind of paparazzi magnet the LA is, so presumably Bieber would have more privacy to get high and egg his neighbor’s houses without constantly being hounded by the press.

Not that he’s abandoning Los Angeles completely. Bieber’s been looking for a thirty acre ranch property where his drugged up loser friends who aren’t allowed to leave the state can express their hostile youth selves without interacting with any live human neighbors. The type of property child molester cults and methamphetamine makers tend to seek out. But lest you think there’s no room for family, be sure that Bieber’s dad Jeremy will be Chief of Security and Weed at the new establishment, while mom works the vast frontage of the ranch property luring in truckers with her gloryhole on wheels.

Justin Bieber Changes His Name To Bizzle

By Jack February 11, 2014 @ 3:10 PM

The famous Canadian lesbian not named kd Lang has changed his name to Bizzle on Instagram. In the grandiose tradition of Diddy, Prince, and Baby Doc Duvalier, Bieber wants to be known by a cool nickname. Bizzle came to mind. He’s probably doing it to distract us all from his multiple arrests and escalating drug problem. I’ll tell you right now that I’m not calling this motherfucker Bizzle. I’m going to call you by the name your mother gave you when she screamed you out of her vagina at twelve while your pimp teen dad looked on. Justin. There’s plenty of time to be Bizzle in your 30′s when you’re working the rehab legends show in Laughlin.

New Bieber Egging Video Emerges

By Jack February 10, 2014 @ 3:30 PM

A new video has emerged in which you can hear Bieber during the now infamous egging on his neighbor’s house. The incident occurred a while back when Bieber and his loser buddies pelted his neighbor’s house with eggs supposedly causing $20,000 worth of damage. You can’t see Bieber in this video but you can sure hear someone threatening the neighbor in Bieber’s high pitched screeching weasel voice. Police also have surveillance video which shows Bieber in the vicinity of the egging, though it doesn’t explicitly show him tossing eggs like a smallish girl at church picnic.

It’s hard to imagine any court will ever do anything serious to Justin Bieber. He’s got a massive legal team and most prosecutors know it’s a big fucking waste of time to try and convict him of anything. People are talking about maybe deporting the rectum scar back to Canada, but outside of Mexican grandmas with knurled fingers, we don’t really deport anybody. The number of weed dealers and car dealers and tiny unemployed black rappers Bieber supports here in the U.S. is not inconsequential. He’s too big too fail. Which is ironic, because you know he’s shorter than my last shit.

Bieber Hotboxed an Entire Plane

By Jack February 06, 2014 @ 1:20 PM

Justin Bieber hotboxed his way to the Super Bowl last week on a private jet. The little lesbian ferret rented a Gulfstream jet to take his posse of Misfit Toys, his lovely dad, and a whole lot of weed from Toronto to New Jersey. The plane was so full of marijuana smoke that the pilot had to use an oxygen mask to keep from getting fucked up. Bieber and his dad also berated the lady flight attendants to the point where the pilot and his oxygen mask had to step in. The Gulfstream was met by the cops and the DEA in New Jersey and even though there was smoky residue of the flying bong, the police couldn’t find any unsmoked drugs onboard. Which leads me to believe either they were stunt cops from a Cheech & Chong movie, or somebody gave somebody free concert tickets and some concessions money to make everything go away. The pilot and crew all refused to press charges because they don’t want to lose their jobs at the hands of angry Napoleon who swings a lot of weight with Canadian private jet companies. The entire incident is just another reminder that street justice remains the only possible avenue for proper correctional measures against The Biebs. I’m not suggesting that everybody try to beat the shit out of him should they encounter him in public, I’m also not not suggesting that. There aren’t that many ways to become a real life hero anymore.