Justin Bieber Fake Apologizes for Being Fifteen and Short and Racist

By Lex June 02, 2014 @ 3:18 PM

Justin Bieber And Usher Go Running Together
Here’s a fact. Every white kid knows at least one racist joke. Black kids know at least two. The Spanish kids probably know tons more but I could never figure out what they were saying when they pointing at me in high school and laughing. TMZ has been sitting for four years on a video of Justin Bieber telling an obviously offensive joke about black people made when he was fifteen and before the entire world wanted to punch him in the bangs.

(From the video) Justin Bieber: Why are black people afraid of chain saws?” (imitating sound of chain saw) Run nigger nigger nigger nigger.

Which goes to show two things. First, I’ll get in more trouble for printing the words Justin said than Justin did for saying them. I really need to find a way to be worth more money to more people. Two, racist jokes are never really funny. Not inherently because they’re racist, but because the great minds in comedy aren’t desperately trying to come up with the next great joke involving the word jigaboo.

According to TMZ, they sat on the video until now because of Justin’s age of innocence at the time. That almost makes sense if we knew nothing about TMZ, celebrity media, or reality. Still, Justin was forced hire a guy only slightly more eloquent than Rob Ford’s oft-used apologist to pen a hollow I’m so terribly sorry statement:

As a young man, I didn’t understand the power of certain words and how they can hurt. I thought it was OK to repeat hurtful words and jokes, but didn’t realize at the time that it wasn’t funny and that in fact my actions were continuing the ignorance. I take my friendships with people of all cultures very seriously and I apologize for offending or hurting anyone with my childish and inexcusable mistake. I was a kid then and I am a man now who knows my responsibility to the world and to not make that mistake again.

That’s Justin saying sorry for acting like an asshole at the last age he was before he actually became an asshole. It only makes sense if indeed time is not linear, but actually a circle. It’s unlikely Justin will suffer any repercussion among his fellow even blacker hip hop stars. It’s universally recognized the racism doesn’t even make the top ten list of reasons people want to see Justin Bieber drown slowly in quicksand, while crying, and you throwing a rope at him repeatedly, but just short of where his uniquely short arms can reach, while making chainsaw sounds.

Photo Credit: Justin Bieber/Instagram

Justin Bieber Probably Slept With Adriana Lima

By Travis May 29, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

If you didnt hate this little shitface before

It turns out the Cannes Film Festival wasn’t all about being a shirtless dickhead and having Paris Hilton rub her sweaty moose knuckle all over his baby boner for Justin Bieber. According to Us Weekly, the 20-year old singer delivered a death blow to all of his jealous haters by wearing former Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima down until she agreed to go back to his hotel. Justin “pursued her hard” as they talked all night before leaving the Gotha night club together at 5 am. Justin only posted a photo of his new friend to Instagram, but the recently-single 32-year old model apparently decided that it was time to have a little douchebag inside of her. The report claims that this “won’t turn into anything serious,” and I imagine that’s because nothing happened, and they only left together because she carried him out of the club in her arms as he sucked his thumb and stained his baggy jeans with a wet dream.

Justin Bieber And A 16-Year Old Walked Into A Bar

By Travis May 28, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Justin hanging out in a bar with a teenager

At first glance, it could be pretty alarming that Justin Bieber, who is 20, was hanging out at the Rainbow Bar on the Sunset Strip with 16-year old Kylie Jenner. But it’s also a restaurant as much as it’s a bar, so the two of them could have just been sharing a milkshake and some french fries while they stared lovingly into each other’s eyes and thought about all of the fun they can have in two years, when she’s of legal sex tape age and he’s probably in the middle of a huge downward spiral. There’s also a chance that this was just a business meeting and Justin isn’t nailing the youngest Kardashian, because a guy named John Shahidi was there, and he created an app called Shots that lets morons share their selfies in a new way. Taking a picture and posting it directly to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram? That shit is so last year. It’s all about adding an unnecessary middle man now.

Photo Credit: Kylie Jenner’s Twitter

Justin Bieber Is The World’s Greatest Skateboarder (VIDEO)

By Travis May 27, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

Justin Bieber is back from walking around shirtless in Cannes and getting lap dances from Paris Hilton, so he hit up New York City yesterday to unwind by showing off his skateboarding skills. Of course he was shirtless while skateboarding, because when you’re as ripped and tatted up as he is, you need all the bitches walking by to see that hardcore attitude and respect the cock. Then, when you have everyone’s attention and you want to lay down your final point that you’re the toughest mother fucker on the planet, you land a sick ollie off a short ledge. That’s when the whole world will know that those ridiculous and fucking stupid baggy shorts are really hiding the biggest dick in the world.

Justin Bieber Is Partying With Paris Hilton And Wesley Snipes In Cannes (VIDEO)

By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

In an ongoing effort to show us what a joke of a shitshow the Cannes Film Festival has become, not only has Paris Hilton been pretending she’s still a DJ at clubs in the city, but now the boy who couldn’t ever wear a shirt, Justin Bieber, has brought his saggy jeans and tough guy routine to a once-reputable celebration of the movie industry as well. On Sunday night, Justin hit the Gotha night club, where Paris was being paid to keep a lazy eye on her iTunes playlist while she sat in an exclusive VIP area and yelled at people who tried to take pictures. Paris reportedly gave Justin a lap dance at her table, because she’s a respected businesswoman who has really grown and matured as a global entrepreneur.

And if that wasn’t random enough, Justin then met up with Wesley Snipes in the strange video above, and if Blade wanted a way to launch a real comeback as a Hollywood action hero now that he’s out of prison, beating the piss out of Justin might have had him at the front row of the Oscars for the rest of his life. Missed opportunities, Wesley.

This Girl Wants Justin Bieber To Be Her Prom Date

By Travis May 20, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Bieber and the high school model

A lot of girls probably want Justin Bieber to be their prom dates, but most of those girls are really stupid and aren’t possibly one of the girls around the world that the pop star is actually dating/sleeping with. Miami model Yovanna Ventura at least seems to think that she’s dating Bieber, because she’s tweeted this same photo of them together twice, and both times she has said that she loves him. And according to Miami New Times, Yovanna has asked her school for permission to bring Bieber to her prom, but she hasn’t received an answer yet, because he hasn’t decided if he actually wants to go. That’s obviously because it’s not a strip club and he can’t act like a spoiled, protected shithead and bring all of his boys, and there are probably more than a few of Yovanna’s classmates at Miami Senior High that wouldn’t mind teaching him what his teeth taste like. On second thought, we should all hope that Bieber accepts and this happens. Only good things can come of this.