We Won’t Be Seeing Bieber’s Dong On Police Video

By Jack March 05, 2014 @ 2:30 PM

The judge in Justin Bieber’s Florida DUI case will allow police surveillance video of Bieber in jail to be released with one catch: his dong has to be blacked out. You’ll recall that the lesbian hobbit was arrested a while back for drag racing and driving while fucked up on anxiety meds and weed. The footage in question is of the fun times had inside the jail the night of the arrest. The objectionable part of the video occurs when Bieber has to take a piss test to assess what shit he was on. His lawyers said that to release the tapes unedited was a violation of the miniature weasel’s privacy. Florida is big into freedom of information so the tapes must be released if requested. The compromise was to edit in a black bar around his junk. While this may ignite the fury of millions of chubby pederastic moms with visions of cougar-cubbing this petite diva, I’d like to thank the makers of cloaking black bars everywhere for once again saving the rest of us from having to see unwanted man junk, even of the smallish variety.

Justin Bieber Pays His Dad A $50,000 Allowance

By Travis March 04, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Justin Bieber celebrated his 20th birthday with friends and family in the Bahamas, and that included his dad, Jeremy Bieber, who has always seemed like the kind of guy who would much rather be Justin’s best friend than the guy who raises him. Now, Jeremy’s former best friend, Cory Bernier, has opened up to the Daily Mail on what kind of a douchebag Jeremy really is, accusing the 39-year old of being a manipulative and enabling dick who is responsible for most of Justin’s worst behavior. But seeing as we already basically thought that was the case, the actual surprise revelation is that Justin pays his “party animal” dad as much as $50,000 a month to take care of his mansion in Canada, but dad just uses the cash to have fun with his friends because “he’s living the dream at his son’s expense.” Not to defend the guy, but isn’t that what kids are for? Making up for our own pathetic lives so we can ride their coattails and drag them to the bottom once the money stops rolling in? Good for Jeremy.

Photo Credit: Yael Bergman/WENN.com

Bieber Faces the Music

By Jack February 25, 2014 @ 3:34 PM

Justin Bieber is facing his haters with love and a shitload of attorneys. The twink pop star has chosen to stand trial for his DUI arrest in Miami. The prosecutors had offered the diminutive Canadian a plea deal where he’d get off  with standard celebrity justice: probation and random drug tests. Justin reportedly told those Sunshine State hosers to piss off, aye. Presumably that drug testing part might prevent him from hotboxing private jets and drinking cough medicine with pops. So, now he’s going to have to borrow some big boy pants and go to the Dade County courthouse to face charges. This means that Justin could have his license suspended and could face up to two years locked in a building where his nickname soon becomes ‘Sink the Stink’. Though if you’re a betting man, figure on a fine and a couple weeks of fake rehab. This crooning Napoleon is going to get himself killed well before anybody successfully locks him up.

Georgia Pre-Hates Bieber

By Jack February 24, 2014 @ 4:22 PM

It looks like Atlanta doesn’t want Justin Bieber living in their fair burgh. The residents of Atlanta’s ritzy Buckhead neighborhood dropped their umbrella’d cocktails in horror when it was reported that the Canadian flea was looking at properties in the area. It seems that folks around them parts don’t cotten to a carpet-baggin’, sizzurp drinkin’, car racin’, wigga’ livin’ in their neighborhood. Folks haven’t been this upset in Georgia since Sherman came to visit. A group called the Buckhead Neighborhood Coalition took to Facebook saying,

“As a community here in Buckhead, we have worked hard to achieve our goals and get to where we are. Justin Bieber’s relocation to Atlanta can be nothing but bad for our children, as well as the community. Some can’t even let their children play in the driveway without fear; he has raced vehicles under the influence, before. What’s to say he won’t do it again? As a home owner down the street from this residence, one can assume many people will be contacting real estate agents soon enough.”

Bieber responded to the virtual anti-welcoming party with nothing but Jesus and a song in his heart:

“I guess I’m an easy target for some. I’m still human. I will continue to meet hate with love. It’s all about the music. Much love”

Not to side with a bunch of uppity crackers, but I can’t blame them for wanting to keep that grinning weasel out of their neighborhood. You live in a nice area like that in the South to raise your kids in a safe place free of drag racing, drugs, and most importantly, blacks and Mexicans. There is no real legal way they can keep the petite lesbian out. Even though he’s not American, this is still America. He’s free to buy a house wherever he wants but he should be advised that Southerners have a slightly different version of taking care of annoying neighbors as they do in more progressive Los Angeles. A pitchfork to the sternum usually sends a solid message. I can’t wait to see Bieber respond to that with much love.

Is Bieber Heading To The ATL?

By Jack February 14, 2014 @ 3:58 PM

Justin Bieber is reportedly looking for houses in Atlanta, GA. The tiny tyke has been seen searching for manors in the more desirable parts of the Southern metropolis. Hotlanta has long been considered a mecca for hip hop bad boys with a love of drinking cough syrup cocktails. Being a short black rapper with mediocre talent and a hardcore OTC medication habit is all Bieber has ever wanted to be. He is Bizzle now, after all. Atlanta isn’t the same kind of paparazzi magnet the LA is, so presumably Bieber would have more privacy to get high and egg his neighbor’s houses without constantly being hounded by the press.

Not that he’s abandoning Los Angeles completely. Bieber’s been looking for a thirty acre ranch property where his drugged up loser friends who aren’t allowed to leave the state can express their hostile youth selves without interacting with any live human neighbors. The type of property child molester cults and methamphetamine makers tend to seek out. But lest you think there’s no room for family, be sure that Bieber’s dad Jeremy will be Chief of Security and Weed at the new establishment, while mom works the vast frontage of the ranch property luring in truckers with her gloryhole on wheels.

Justin Bieber Changes His Name To Bizzle

By Jack February 11, 2014 @ 3:10 PM

The famous Canadian lesbian not named kd Lang has changed his name to Bizzle on Instagram. In the grandiose tradition of Diddy, Prince, and Baby Doc Duvalier, Bieber wants to be known by a cool nickname. Bizzle came to mind. He’s probably doing it to distract us all from his multiple arrests and escalating drug problem. I’ll tell you right now that I’m not calling this motherfucker Bizzle. I’m going to call you by the name your mother gave you when she screamed you out of her vagina at twelve while your pimp teen dad looked on. Justin. There’s plenty of time to be Bizzle in your 30′s when you’re working the rehab legends show in Laughlin.