Instagram added video today so that people who feel that their personal photos are precious gifts to the world can feel equally as obnoxious about their motion pictures. If you think I’m just being a cranky old bastard, consider the first big Instagram video. It’s Justin Bieber, the world’s most self-entitled twat, announcing that Instagram has video. And he’s high as fuck. Actually, so I don’t get sued, let me clarify, he appears to be high as fuck. Also, he appears to be really short. Could be all that alleged smoking stunted his growth.
Rihanna has given Justin Bieber a Chris Brown-sized beating to become the most viewed artist on YouTube. Bieber used to be the YouTube champ, his videos getting millions of hits from the pedophiles and obese teens who make up his fan base. Rihanna’s 77 videos now have a total of 3.784 billion hits which is a couple million more than the Biebs. She also has 8.73 million subscribers to Bieber’s measly 4.9 million. But what does it really mean to have more hits on a free video player? They don’t get that much money from it and it’s hard to say whether that translates into more album sales. What it does seem to indicate is that Bieber’s days are numbered. The teen girls that flicked their bean to his lesbian hairstyle five years ago are older and less stupid now. The teen girls coming up now are much less interested in his weasel-faced looks and grating voice.
Not that Rihanna isn’t fucking annoying also, just less so. Her music appeals to a broader demographic of people with shitty musical taste than Bieber’s does. In the current world of music you have to pick which artist irritates you the least and go with that. I’ll take Jay-Z’s bragging about how much money he has over Kanye’s God complex. It doesn’t matter though. One day someone will take a video of a kitten sneezing on a puppy and it will get more hits than either of these two ass clowns combined.
Painter Elizabeth Peyton unveiled her latest work to the art world this week, which to the horror of many of her fans, was a giant goofy picture of Justin Bieber. Mind you, Elizabeth Peyton isn’t some obese loser doing fan art in her basement, she is a well respected artist. Previously she had done portraits of David Bowie and Kurt Cobain, but she wanted to really challenge herself this time by painting a completely talentless ass ferret. The painting is called “Never Say Never” after a 2011 documentary about Bieber. She really captured the pouty vagina lips, the vacant stare, and pointed girlish chin. His bushy eyebrows are like two gay 70′s bathhouse attendant’s mustaches that have been stuck to his oversized forehead. But is is art?
Not really, but it’s the kind of thing that’s going to sell. Either some rich bitch Belieber will get her daddy to buy it or a museum will display it to show the merging of popular and “high” culture, blah, blah, blah. Peyton is going to make a fortune off of Bieber’s little hyena face. Still, I think it’s bad art. Painters should go back to painting cool stuff like chicks with big boobs holding pottery or centaurs fighting dragons or whatever.
It’s hard to say who to root for in a showdown between teen lesbian Justin Bieber and the paparazzi that hound him everywhere he goes. It’s like you’re a North Korean train driver running off the tracks and you have to choose to run over either Dennis Rodman or The Supreme Leader during their summer picnic. Which way do you turn? Bieber and his Lollipop Guild cohort Lil Twist drove away and over some dickhead photographers foot leaving the Laugh Factory in Hollywood on Monday night. The photographer insisted on going to the hospital so he could build a better lawsuit. And while people were talking about possible hit and run charges, Bieber was cleared today by the police. As he should have been. As much as I’d love to see his little punk ass get thrown in the slammer, it needs to be for something worthy that he can tearfully regret as he gets ass-raped in the prison shower by a guy named Franc with a ‘C’. When you put contemptible people in jail for lesser charges, you never get the satisfaction deserved. Like putting O.J. in for kind of sort of robbing his own sports memorabilia. Or Al Capone on tax evasion. It’s a half-victory at best. Let’s wait for the big one. It sucks that somebody will have to get badly hurt for it, but on the bright side, maybe it’ll be Justin himself.
The last thing Justin Bieber wants is attention. When he shrinks his 5’4″, 120 lb. frame, he can become invisible to modern radar and out of focus for most paparazzi cameras. His petite size and flexibility enables the Canadian singing sensation to be formed into a ball shape and loaded into an overhead carry-on bag. This allows The Biebs to travel around the world largely undetected. Like SARS.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet
I don’t know what genius convinced the artist Justin Bieber to sign up for space travel, but very well done. An imp conceived in the Underworld like this twatnut can not be destroyed while within his earthly confines. Just imagine how many have tried to snuff out his bright light. But when he rockets out on Virgin Galactic and hits low orbit, I got the Red Bull parachute guy ready to fire off a hull-busting trident then jump back to earth. In space, I hope we can hear Justin scream.