Justin Bieber’s Toxicology Report Is In

By Jack January 30, 2014 @ 4:51 PM

Bieber’s toxicology report is in for his DUI bust and it is not going to help his case. The 60-inch long crooning turd was arrested last week for a DUI and drag racing in Miami beach. There were rumors that he wasn’t actually impaired and that the cops just busted him because he’s poor and black, but those reports turn out to be bullshit. Bieber was high on weed and a bunch of pills. The toxicology report states that he had THC in his system as well as high levels of Xanax. Put that together with a thimble full of alcohol for this little mouse and you have yourself a case for a DUI conviction. It’s unlikely that Biebs will get his second mouth pounded in prison and he probably won’t be deported either. If he’s convicted he could lose his driver’s license and would have to be driven to the mall like a 14 year old girl by their mom. Only, it’ll be a professional driver, with a bodyguard, and a young boy he specifically requests speak in a Carolina girl voice in the back of his Lincoln Town Car.

Justin Bieber’s Swaggy Jail Tour Continues

By Travis January 30, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

It’s getting pretty hard to keep track of Justin Bieber’s police troubles, between his DUI and drag racing arrest in Miami and the Police Squad episode that features the LAPD building a case against Bieber for egging his house, but we can now add assault charges in Toronto to the list. Last night, Bieber turned himself in to the Toronto PD in regard to a December 30 incident with a limo driver. Justin is being charged with assault after the driver claims that the singer punched him in the back of the head several times during a fight that broke out between him and a passenger. Unlike the Miami and LA incidents, there are apparently witnesses that claim Bieber was involved in this case, so they’d better lay low unless they want to be lightly slapped and screamed at by a child.

Photo Credit: Getty

Obama To Address Justin Bieber Deportation

By Lex January 29, 2014 @ 8:16 PM

I can’t remember all the shit Obama promised as President. Just last night he promised a ton more shit. I believe I’m supposed to get laid more often and look a hint less like a beagle. I know Obama promised more openness and access for the Average Joe who can’t pay fifty grand to shake the Presidential hand at Jeffrey Katzenberg’s vegan-option soirees. Obama set up that idiotic White House petition process so that angry ethnic groups and black helicopter conspiracists and the other people who routinely bug the shit out of the White House operator could create online rants instead. If 100,000 people sign your petition, the President will look at them. Sort of like he looks at Malia’s social science homework or the federal budget. A couple seconds of retinal fly by and a reassuring smile.

The Deport Justin Bieber people officially passed the 100,000 signature mark so Barack’s going to need to check that one out. The Keep Bieber petitioners have set up a couple of their own to countermand the Deport Bieber people:

Instead of looking at all the horrible events that Justin Bieber has been through why not the good? People only look at his bad boy aura and not everything that he has done to help around the world. He has donated so much money to charity’s but people over look that fact. Also, what about all these celebrity’s that have done so much worse. For example, Chris Brown was charged for Women abuse but was let off the hook. Just because he’s Justin Bieber and not some rapper doesn’t mean he deserves this.

For semi-literate middle schoolers, the Keep Bieber petitioners make an excellent point. We do completely omit Bieber’s fine charity work. He falls into that smallish 99.8 percent of celebrities linked to good causes. It’s a well known fact that he did something nice for someone with a horrible disease. Probably a kid. Shit, he probably hugged him and took photos. And what about that double standard accusation? Chris Brown did do lots of Women abuse and he gets to still live here. Why don’t we deport him back to Virginia? This democracy thing really is the best way to decide stuff. Keep it rolling, Average Joe.

Justin Bieber Wants To Open A Tattoo Parlor

By Jack January 29, 2014 @ 3:50 PM

After his recent run in with the Miami police, Justin Bieber is talking about quitting music and opening a tattoo parlor with his tank-topped young father, Jeremy. The little lesbian ferret has become more famous for his controversies over the past year than for his choreographed teen love ballads. Biebs is currently in Panama with his manager Scooter and buddy Usher, presumably banging hookers and eating barbecue. I guess in trying to find a fake real job for dad, Bieber came up with the great idea of opening a tattoo shop with his old man. Who better to start a business with that involves needles and blood than the fucked up dude who knocked up your mom at seventeen? I would not go to any tattoo parlor run by the Biebers. They’d just want to ink you with Justin’s idiotic graffiti doodles of little monsters peeing. Every tattoo artist would probably be some failed rapper named Lil something fucked up on sizzurp. If they could find place where girls don’t have to be eighteen to get inked, maybe they’d have a thing. Those impressionable young girls seem to be up for anything Bieber. Especially if Justin fist pumps and tells you how beautiful you are while his dad inks up your back with something that looks like a werewolf fucking a cartoon piranha to have for the rest of your life.

Justin Bieber Takes Control of His Bitches

By Lex January 28, 2014 @ 1:41 PM

Justin Bieber Films A Video On An ATV As Chantel Jefferies Watches In A Bikini In Panama
Building off the dressing down he gave Tubbs and Crockett for pulling the plug on his street racing, Bieber came down with full 65-lb bench press force on his entourage and the bitch he’s currently let service his gift. What Bieber’s inner circle thought would be an intervention down in Panama has turned into the Canadian King Joffrey drinking beers on the beach and insisting he be filmed riding his ATV for some epic new music video moments. Meanwhile, Bieber consort and young scholar Chantel Jeffries had been using a lawyer to secretly shop around her Tales of Whorish Street Racing with Justin to the morning talk shows for twenty grand. When Bieber’s spies appraised him of the situation, he raised his mighty hammer and ordered her to cut that shit out. And she did. Then Bieber ordered Chantel to dress him to match the Bad Touch girl doll that prosecutors let her keep form all her childhood court cases. Bow down before Zed, the Canadian douche god and pray to be spared.

Photo Credit: Splash

Justin Bieber Flees to Panama

By Lex January 27, 2014 @ 4:30 PM

Justin Bieber Mobbed By Fans At The Beach In Panama
Not since Manuel Noriega used to throw chickens out in the pueblocitos has anybody received such uproarious Panamanian welcome as Justin Bieber. Like so many small angry criminals before him, Bieber grabbed his lawless skeez Chantel and fled from Miami to Panama in the dead of the night. Justin and Chantel were seen the next morning parasailing and hanging out with some brews on the beach. For Bieber, Central America provides the perfect balance of lawlessness and lawlessness. The drinking age in Panama is 18. Also, you can kill poor people with your rented Lamborghini for $5 a head. Rumor is that Usher has flown down to Panama for an all-hands intervention with his protege. Though it could also be because of their lax views on pederasty. For a couple hundred bucks, you can live like a Roman Emperor down there.

Photo Credit: Splash