Kanye West Takes A Vow Of Silence

By Jack December 27, 2013 @ 3:13 PM

Kanye West has decided to take a 6 month break from saying stupid shit. Naturally, he announced that he is going to abstain from ranting like a moron in an epic 30 minute rant. Kanye has become more famous in the last few years for all of the idiotic shit he says than he is for his music. Honestly, I listened to that shitty Yeezus album only once but I’ve heard him talk about how he is the messiah or some other such bullshit all year long.

“This might be the last time y’all hear me talk shit for a long time. Might be another like six months. At least. You’re just gonna have to run back the interviews and shit if you wanna hear some realness! So I’m letting you all know that this is the last Yeezus show, and this is the last time you’ll ever hear me say negative about anyone.”

I’m going to call bullshit on this resolution before it even begins. There is no fucking way that this assclown will keep his mouth shut. Kris Jenner can’t decide to give up being disingenuous and Khloe can’t give up weight-restricting undergarments. Tigers can’t choose to give up their stripes just because it’s New Years. Kanye loves the sound of his own ranting voice more than any man I’ve ever known. His feelings aren’t real until he shares them in some unintelligible manner with his sycophants. It’s great to say you’re going to give up talking shit for six months, it’s another thing to say you’re going to quit your entire reason for being. Can’t be done.

Okay, Who Leaked the Kardashian Christmas Party Photos?

By Lex December 27, 2013 @ 2:53 PM

Kylie Jenner Posts Naughty Photo From The Kardashian Christmas Party To Instagram
With the Kardashians, it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s faked for the cameras. I go with the rule that not a goddamn thing anybody in that family has done has been real since Robert hid the knife for Khloe’s bio dad. Nevertheless, they keep pumping out social media content like it’s non-fiction, including their family Christmas party with the theme of ‘naughty’. It’d be easy to suggest that the only time the Kardashians are the least bit real is when they’re being all slutty, but they can’t even do that honestly. Kris fucked up their chances to be decent self-hating tramps, in favor of self-aware moneymaking business girls. They’re about as sexually vibrant as the sore-ridden abuela in Tijuana giving sailors hummers while stirring the bean pot for her family’s dinner. Still, these photos make good recruitment tools for Al Qaeda. Death to the West.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Klassy Bag, Kim Kardashian

By Travis December 27, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

In a move that was probably intended to mock regular idiot Americans who battled their way through crowded lines in packed malls and department stores yesterday, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian did some post-Christmas shopping in Los Angeles and didn’t seem to have any problems finding what they were looking for. Kim was also showing off the Hermes handbag that Kanye got her for Christmas, and you know it’s from him because he had artist George Condo hand paint a bunch of nude women that look like her family on the side.

That looks kind of like Kendall Jenner on the right, with Kim next to her, seemingly being mounted by Kourtney, and then Khloe just doing her thing on the left. To keep her happy, they probably told Kris Jenner that all four of the women are her.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Kanye West Sued Over ‘Bound 2′ Sample

By Lex December 24, 2013 @ 3:32 PM

Kanye West Out Shopping In Beverly Hills
You ought to know better than to fuck with Yeezus around Christmas. This is the busiest time of the year for our rap Lord and Savior, when he allows the entire world to celebrate the birth of his mind blowing musical genius and transformative footwear. But Ricky Spicer is bugging Kanye, because he wants some cash for the man-god stealing his voice from a track he recorded at age twelve back in 1969. Kanye kind of plays Spicer’s voice in his Bound 2 hit single. Now, Spicer’s suing to make Kanye stop being such a thieving dick.

Mr. Spicer’s voice is sampled exactly as he recorded it and his voice … is heard several times,

This kind of shit comes up all the time with tons of modern pop and R&B stars stealing music from previous generations and re-hashing it into new songs. The people they’re ripping off are generally pretty broke so they can get away with throwing them a few bones to shut them up. I’d call it intellectual theft, but this is Kanye, so let’s just go with stone cold jacked. Expect Ricky Spicer to ask for a bazillion dollars in royalty claims from Bound 2. Expect Kanye to counter with $500 and a blowjob from Kim. Or $550 if Spicer wants the all cash option.

Photo Credit: WENN

Kanye West Heckled

By Jack December 12, 2013 @ 2:32 PM

Rapping pap smear Kanye West dealt with a heckler at a show in San Antonio with his usual sense of restraint and dignity. It all started when Kanye donned a mask made by designer Maison Martin Margiela. Yeah, I know, my favorite designer too. Why Kanye wears this mask is anyone’s guess. The fan yelled for Kanye to take the mask off and then he went Kanye nuts. Yeezus took it as a challenge to his artistic vision or some shit. He yelled,

“Now, you can see my face on the internet every motherfucking day. I came here, I open up a motherfucking mountain… and you tryin’ to tell me how to give you my art. Now tell me something, y’all want me to do this show the way I would do this show? Don’t fucking heckle me! I’m Kanye motherfucking West.”

It is true that it’s rude to interrupt a man who is opening up mountains. Nobody mocked John Henry when he was driving steel into the mountain to build the railroad tunnels. And that was just transcontinental transportation. This is rhyming about money and jizzing on whore’s boobs. Show some fucking respect.

Kim And Kanye Want To Get Married At Versailles

By Jack December 04, 2013 @ 1:55 PM

Kim and Kanye reaaaally want to have their wedding at Versailles. Yes, THAT Versailles. The over-the-top golden palace of the Bourbon kings of France. I mean, where else would the lord Yessiah and his cum dumpster queen get married than at the most famous palace on Earth? It’s unclear whether the Frogs will let the couple marry on the grounds of the national landmark. at least not without denouncing America and pretending French comedies are the least bit funny. It’s strangely fitting in a way. Much like Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI these two are largely hated for their ridiculous lifestyle and general dickery. Also like the two rotting royals, they seem completely oblivious to the fact that everyone wants to see their heads roll down a wooden platform and into a basket while painted midgets dance and traveling minstrels play the lute. Let them eat Khloe.