Kanye West Shows His Cards

By Matt August 28, 2014 @ 6:13 AM

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Kanye West became increasingly forthcoming during an ongoing deposition for a lawsuit with a paparazzi who accused West of assault. West was hostile during earlier depositions but when your expensive lawyers tell you to start acting contrite even the most ardent rebels tend to listen. West reversed his earlier stance on hatred for the paparazzi:

“My father was a paparazzo himself. My father was a medical illustrator, a Black Panther, a Christian marriage counselor… My mother was the first black chair of the English department in Chicago State. They didn’t raise me to be out here wrestling with random paparazzi in front of LAX… Sometimes I get in the car with the paparazzi. Paparazzi help me to park.”

Kanye’s dad had so many jobs. He sounds really hard working. No wonder Kanye has the drive to create so many mediocre rap albums. He’s living in the shadow of his father. That explains the frustration and anger toward the very people who help him to be famous and rich. His tear ducts probably leak like a broken faucet when the paparazzi help him park his Lamborghini. Fucking A, guys, you really are the best. I’m sorry I tried to put you in a headlock and punch you in the face. I carry lots of emotional baggage.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kanye West Photographically Lynched

By Matt August 07, 2014 @ 6:30 AM

Kanye

In a deposition for a civil case where he is accused of assaulting a paparazzi, Kanye West compared the plight of celebrities to that of blacks during the civil rights movement. West sees the paparazzi as an intrusive force who often show up too early when he alerts them of his whereabouts. He should be giving them credit for playing along with a vocal minority who pretend his wife is worth photographing. Of course West has to manufacture a conflict and calling out other rappers could occasionally get your ass shot. Better to pick on the pudgy Big Gulp sipping losers who help your bottom line by documenting your staged useless toiling. West’s deposition became offensively outlandish:

“I mean in the ’60s people used to hold up ‘Die Nigger’ signs when my parents were in the sit-ins also… Yes, 100 … I equate it to discrimination.  I equate it to inequalities… We, as group of minorities here in L.A., as celebrities have to ban together to influence guys like this.”

I’m sure Kanye’s parents also felt disenfranchised as they drove away in their llama fur covered Lamborghinis to bang their wealthy white women in Calabasas. You can only be so privileged and famous and covered in perfumed pussy before you’re not allowed to complain about even real problems, let alone shit you made up in your head because you have no real problems.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Kanye West Still A Dick And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 07, 2014 @ 4:51 PM

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Human ass polyp Kanye West was booed on stage at a concert in London. No, it wasn’t because of his shitty music this time. It was because he went on a twenty minute rant about how paparazzi taking his picture is like rape. Because, you know, having your picture taken is exactly like having someone forcibly shove their dick in your ass. What kind of photogs do they have in England?

Read more about Kanye’s latest shat of verbal diarrhea. (Dlisted)

Emily Ratajkowski wants to show you her tits on Instagram. (Drunken Stepfather)

Lindsay Lohan is looking even more busted up than usual. (The Superficial)

It ain’t the early ’00s but Eva Longoria is still one spicy enchilada. (Maxim)

Katherine Heigl whines about what s a horrible bitch she’s become. (Huffington Post)

Joan Rivers walks out of interview when they called her mean to her witch face. (Fox News)

Tyler Perry legally owns the phrase ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ I shit you not. (Defamer)

Leo DiCaprio’s hot model girlfriend turns 22; let’s look at her wearing not much (COED)

Kim Kardashian Looking Chesty Out To Dinner With Kanye West In West Hollywood

By Lex June 23, 2014 @ 11:20 AM

Kim Kardashian Looking Chesty Out To Dinner With Kanye West In West Hollywood

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News

North West In Lockdown

By Matt June 06, 2014 @ 9:41 AM

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Kanye West is beefing up the security detail  for his most closely approximating legitimate child, North. He wants to build a zone of privacy around his daughter from the shutterbugs and voyeurs and Satan to whom he promised his first born in exchange for this whole inexplicable career success. Kanye joins the ranks of celebrities unable to perceive the irony that disturbingly invasive levels of media exposure are what’s putting organic food on his kid’s table.

I thought recently we all had gathered behind Kristen Bell and her carbon neutral cubicle wall and agreed that there would be no more photo taking of the celebrity kids. Much to the chagrin of the 1.8 million American moms for whom celebrity baby leering is their primary form of sexual expression. By assigning a POTUS level security detail to his spawn, Kanye has taken the first step in sealing North’s fate as an out of touch delusional entitled cunt of an infant. Those are tough words, but I’m 8-0 in fist fights with babies.

Babies don’t need security guards, they need love from their parents. That one man who bent that one woman over the hood of his Ferrari and told her to call him Yeezus while he made her sticky. All the nannies in the world won’t replace the love of parents who are generally available by Skype up until the clubs open up.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Kanye’s Teen Project Awaits His Return

By Lex June 05, 2014 @ 9:06 AM

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Before Jesus told Kanye to go become Kim Kardashian’s third husband, Kanye was spending late nights at the studio with Kylie’s teen singing friend Pia Mia Perez. Kanye insists the bleached blond YouTube star is going to be the next Rihanna. I think that means she’s young and ethnic and her voice takes to computer modulation. Also, she can touch her hair and body a lot and pretend to be filled with emotions, as she does in her first released song, Red Love. It’s about Pia regretting the loss of her virginity. Get it, red love. Yeah, I know. According to Pia, and every single teen pop star before her, she’s here to speak to what’s really going on with teenagers:

I’m not afraid to share my experiences. I never want to be offensive to anybody in doing that, but I’m here to speak for what’s really going on in the world for teenagers, who maybe don’t have a voice to say what they are going through.

Absolutely, in 2014 where in the heck would teens go to have a voice or express themselves. If only somebody would invent a social media technology to let teens share their common experience of being fourteen, dropping out of school, befriending the Kardashians, and penning power ballads about the regrets of being on the busted maidenhead side of statutory rape. Kim was previously concerned with all the time Kanye was spending in the studio with Pia Mia. I’m sure the sacred bonds of matrimony will quell her paranoia. All the same, I’ll only offer up a knowing ‘uh-huh’ the morning they find Pia garroted in a ditch in Calabasas with all her jewelry still on.

Photo Credit: Pia Mia Perez/Instagram