If you’re ever in battle with Kanye West, go forthwith to the anal play charges. Chink in armor noted, rapping Smaug. The master of ego-centric promotion and legend in his own time mythology folded like a very gay deck of cards in his battle with Wiz Khalifia and by extension Amber Rose the minute the latter mentioned Kanye’s proclivity for bottom play in the bedroom. Fingers up the butt was the opening salvo. Whatever was lined up next scared the shit out of Kanye who went into an emergency Camp David session with Wiz to reach a detente. The treaty included a first lady showcase where Kim Kardashian was dispatched to offer a concession basket to Amber Rose. Essential oils and some large amount of free social media traffic in exchange for mum on the list of sex toys that went north into the rectum. There are no gay men in the rap world. Trust, but verify.
Kanye West took to Twitter to deny he likes fingers shoved up his rectum during sex and while listening to his Jim Nabors records. In a calm and reason manner het let his fans know about his traditional values. He stays away from that ass area altogether. He went so far as elective surgery on a colostomy bag just so he could avoid shitting. Doctors check his prostate through a special flap on his right hip near his football playing injuries. He’s so not into ass it’s almost comical. Almost.
It’s tough to know whether to believe Kanye who talks and acts and has a reputation for freaky bedroom behavior in in knee high calf skin boots. Or the word of his angry street whore ex-girlfriend who uses her sexual encounters with Kanye as the top three accomplishments on her LinkedIn profile. The classic conundrum. Asking a man how long he’s been beating his wife is a leading question. Asking Kanye how long he’s been beating off while his lady friends go ten ben-wa balls deep into his shitter is simply not your business. He’ll let you know when he’s ready. Read your LGBTQUIYA literature. Is that a Gucci butt plug on your nightstand? I’m asking for a friend.
Kanye went on Twitter and called Amber Rose a stripper whore and mocked Khalifa for making a baby with her. Kanye routinely calls out Amber Rose for being nasty, with zero nod to how he fucked that nasty for two years other than stating that he ‘had to take 30 showers’ after to get clean. If only somebody would’ve told Eazy-E the shower trick.
Amber Rose is the proverbial dog that’s been beat to much. She looks forward to it now. She took about half a second to inform the world that Kanye West digs assplay:
“Awww @kanyewest are u mad I’m not around to play in ur asshole anymore? #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch,”
There’s the haymaker you should’ve prepped for in practice. Stay down, Kanye. You’ll solve pi before you ever win a fight with a stripper. Have Kim announce how ridiculous this all is then explain why Kourtney can’t find her new pressed juice thermos. Rap battles just got good again.
Photo credit: FameFlynet/AKM-GSI
Remember when men used to build shit and dig holes and play tackle football and when your dick hurt from having sex with dirty girls you scoffed and threw some dirt on it? Think back to a time before we started drugging boys in school for being physically active.
Somewhere between looking like a homeless slob and laying in bed at night thinking about what belt to wear with your new blazer lies the proper range of heterosexual male wardrobe concerns. Being named the most stylish man of the year by GQ is big for Kanye West. Without irony, he looks forward to helping his wife pick out clothes and ensures he color and fabric coordinates. He’s not gay, he’s just super fucking cloying. GQ notes of his qualifications:
From Haider Ackermann velvet bomber jackets to Balmain blazers, ripped Acne jeans to his beloved Bottega Veneta Chelsea boots, every piece West wears sparks a discussion on the current state of menswear (and, we assume, launches a million Google searches).
I assume the NSA checks my Google searches. I’m comfortable knowing Bottega Veneta Chelsea boots isn’t in there. I’d rather be caught searching for ISIS Jihad How Do I Get Involved. At least you won’t get raped first in prison.
Upscale black entertainers and athletes are super into their appearance and fashion. They masculine offset by bareback fucking tons of young women and producing babies in the manner of indifferent cavemen. It’s an expensive proposition that could’ve easily been offset by just wearing sweats for the rest of your life.
As expected, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian gave their latest vagina troll an equally stupid name as North West. They named the future celebutard Saint West, which is stupid because everyone knows that’s a girl’s name.
Read more about the second coming of Yeezus. (TMZ)
Why front, here’s Irina Shayk using her ass to sell lotion. (Last Men On Earth)
Stock your stuffing with some topless Lucy Pinder playing cards. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Bella Thorne wears a wickedly low cut dress. (Drunken Stepfather)
I’d like to fall into these gaps…thigh gaps, that is. (The Chive)
Selena Gomez’s legs make me very happy in the pants. (Hollywood Tuna)
Preggo Chrissy Teigen’s tits are out of control. (Popoholic)
Jay Z and Kanye West’s contract riders for when they stay at a hotel came out and boy are they fucking divas. They require expensive alcohol, cylindrical vases, and discontinued speakers for their music. Remember when rappers just asked for forties and white women with fat asses? That was pure.
Read about the rest of their demands. (TMZ)
Nicki Minaj is the STD fairy, here to give you the herp. (Last Men On Earth)
Kelly Deadmon is topless in “The Affair”. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Want to see Olivia Wilde’s ass? (Drunken Stepfather)
I do love a girl with a nice thigh gap. (The Chive)
Jaime King forgot to wear a bra to the red carpet event. (Hollywood Tuna)
Who has better tits than Charlotte McKinney? No one. (Popoholic)