North West Pisses on Kanye

By Jack March 26, 2014 @ 12:38 PM

Kim Kardashian revealed to Seth Myers that baby North West pissed all over Kanye West during their infamous Vogue shoot. It seems that the unibrowed womb troll decided to use Kanye’s chest as a diaper while they were taking a family shot on a couch. North is naked in the picture as a very early indicator of how the Kardashian clain raises their girl children to respect the process. I have a new found respect for baby North. I’ve always thought that she was probably going to grow up to be a monster since she is being raised by the two biggest narcissistic assholes on the planet. But maybe she’ll be okay if she already innately understands her dad is s shit can.


(Photo Via Vogue)

Kanye West Mentors Teen Girls

By Lex March 25, 2014 @ 3:55 PM

Pia Mia Posts A Twitter Selfie
Quite coincidentally, Kanye West has determined that one of the Jenner girls little teen friends, Pia Mia Perez, is going to be his protege he turns into the next Rihanna. This naturally inovlves spending time alone with her in the studio, working well into the evening, away from his fat fiancee and all her cameras and minions. Still, the next Rihanna is a big thing potentially, as it has been for the last twenty teen girls dubbed the next Rihanna because I guess everybody is really fucking tired of the current Rihanna. Pia Mia Perez, or, Pia Mia as her mentor Kanye has so artfully dubbed her, came from Guam to seek fame and fortune in America. Although technically I think Guam is part of America, so maybe she just hopped on a flight with her stage parents and flew to L.A. Her parents encouraged Mia to dream big, and on a more practical note, post tons of exposing underaged photos to Instagram and hang out with the Kardashians and the other things you have to do with your girls once you find out selling them directly into white slavery isn’t a legal option. I bet Kanye’s plan works out, for everyone involved. What could possibly go wrong with this teen protege arrangement?

Kanye called her [Mia] and the conversation sounded kind of flirty and romantic. It could be that they are just good friends but it was definitely more than just a professional call.” — a source to RadarOnline.

I wonder if they’ll air the KUWTK episode where Kim asks her mom how she killed dad without anybody finding out.

Photo Credit: Pia Mia/Twitter

Kim’s And Kanye’s Rep Claims They’re Not Greedy

By Travis March 24, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are currently suing YouTube founder Chad Hurley because they believe that since their engagement video was leaked online, they lost out on a lot of money that they could have received from selling it, like all truly loving couples do. Chad reportedly made them a significant settlement offer of donating money to a charity of their choice, but they allegedly turned it down because they want to take this thing to court and get the money for themselves. According to the Daily Mail, though, a rep for Kim and Kanye claims that is “False” and offered no additional information. That’s probably because their reps are just trained to fire off denials like, is it true your clients are in a loveless marriage that was only ever intended to benefit them both financially? “False.” Did Kim only become famous because she sucked an unknown rapper’s dick on camera because her mom told her it was a wise business investment? “False.” Is Kim’s entire family’s downfall bound to be one of the most enjoyable things we’ve ever watched? “False.” That’s good, believable PR work right there.

Kim Kardashian Gets Her Vogue Cover

By Lex March 21, 2014 @ 5:20 PM

Vogue not so fetching editor Anna Wintour pretends to be the immovable object, but she isn’t. She’s just a creepy looking neighbor lady with a bad haircut who you discover wasn’t just selling Mary Kay out of her the back of her Kia. Kim Kardashian greatly wanted her position in the fashion world to be officially stamped with a Vogue cover. Kanye felt his lady deserved it for all the bitching clothes she was wearing. Both of them have been wearing as much high-priced haute couture as possible over the past year just begging to be validated. But Anna Wintour kept putting a kindly spin on the fact that Vogue didn’t want to put a hobbit porn star who smelled like Ray J’s asparagus on their their cover. But, magazine sales being what they are today ,Anna Wintour caved with some lame excuse:

Part of the pleasure of editing Vogue, one that lies in a long tradition of this magazine, is being able to feature those who define the culture at any given moment, who stir things up, whose presence in the world shapes the way it looks and influences the way we see it. I think we can all agree on the fact that that role is currently being played by Kim and Kanye to a T. (Or perhaps that should be to a K?)”

Holy crap! I want to strangle this woman with an $900 Yves Saint Laurant cashmere scarf. So, basically, anybody who gets Googled a ton makes the cover now? We should expect Miley Cyrus, Vladimir Putin, and the Norovirus to appear  in subsequent months? Yes, we can all agree that Kim and Kanye play the current role of zeitgeist tour guides if you limit the population set to people who have the E! channel on their favorites list. Basically, women who sneak cheesecake bites after midnight and effeminate males who smell like Pantene.

Anna Wintour went on to dispel rumors that Kanye battled to get Kim on the cover:

As for the cover, my opinion is that it is both charming and touching, and it was, I should add, entirely our idea to do it; you may have read that Kanye begged me to put his fiancée on Vogue’s cover. He did nothing of the sort. The gossip might make better reading, but the simple fact of the matter is that it isn’t true. There’s barely a strand of the modern media that the Kardashian Wests haven’t been able to master, and for good reason: Kanye is an amazing performer and cultural provocateur, while Kim, through her strength of character, has created a place for herself in the glare of the world’s spotlight, and it takes real guts to do that.

We have got o shove this woman and her chapped lips into a pneumatic tube and zip her off to the ass kissing department. Where the fuck did she come up with this tripe? Kanye is a cultural provocateur?  Don’t you just mean, self-important asshole? Kim has strength of character? Would this be defined by her fucking on camera for notoriety or setting up bogus weddings to bilk money out of media outlets? Really? Who’s next? The failed female suicide bomber in Tel Aviv for showing ambition or Jenny McCarthy for bringing mumps and measles back from the dead? God damn, Anna Wintour. You are my least favorite person. Couldn’t you just stick to being prissy and annoying and faking reasons why Chumly Lena Dunham was on your cover?

Kanye West Sent To Anger Management Classes

By Jack March 18, 2014 @ 12:17 PM

Legally registered asshole Kanye West plead no contest to battery charges and was sentenced to two year probation and anger management classes. The charges stem from an incident in July when West lost it on a photographer named Daniel Ramos and beat the shit out of him outside LAX. It was all caught on video and Ramos had several witnesses stating that while Ramos is an opportunistic douchebag, you still can’t start WWE’ing him like he’s your Weeble bitch. It’s unclear what these anger management classes will entail or whether Kanye will be the first person for whom they ever work in the history of anger management classes. Kanye also has to do the celebrity obligatory 250 hours of community service. I’m going to guess right now he makes a spiritually uplifting documentary about himself doing community service set to clips from the Yeezus album. West plead out earlier this year on another battery case in which he kicked some troubled teen’s ass for calling Kim a n***er lover in a medical building. I suppose in some small way you have to respect Kanye for at least using his fists to expend his pathological rage. Lots of rappers hide beyond their bodyguards or start getting all Tony Montana with their guns. Kanye is an old school asshole. I just wish somebody would punch him back.

Jay Z Not Going To Be Kanye’s Best Man

By Jack March 10, 2014 @ 5:58 PM

Jay Z won’t be Kanye West’s best man at his wedding this coming May. Kanye asked Jay Z to stand at his side while he intentionally fucks up his life and marries the world’s most notorious money-crazed hooker. But Mr. Z and his wife Beyoncé refuse to appear on Keeping Up With The Kardashians because either it’s beneath them or they couldn’t agree on a price to make it not so beneath them. E! has offered to pick up the multimillion dollar bill for the expensive French wedding if they are allowed to shoot the whole thing for the network and the show. It’s just good for tampon sales. But Beyoncé isn’t having it. So, is it more important for Kanye to have his best friend stand by his side at his wedding or to be on his fiancee’s whore slobbering TV show? We all know the answer. An  over-blown publicity stunt like Kim’s seventh wedding televised for the credulous morons that worship the Kardashians is too much for a mass media whore like Kanye West to pass up. That’s just street. Wait, I think backing your man is street and selling out to your skeevy booty call is not- street. I can never keep this shit straight.