If you’re ever in battle with Kanye West, go forthwith to the anal play charges. Chink in armor noted, rapping Smaug. The master of ego-centric promotion and legend in his own time mythology folded like a very gay deck of cards in his battle with Wiz Khalifia and by extension Amber Rose the minute the latter mentioned Kanye’s proclivity for bottom play in the bedroom. Fingers up the butt was the opening salvo. Whatever was lined up next scared the shit out of Kanye who went into an emergency Camp David session with Wiz to reach a detente. The treaty included a first lady showcase where Kim Kardashian was dispatched to offer a concession basket to Amber Rose. Essential oils and some large amount of free social media traffic in exchange for mum on the list of sex toys that went north into the rectum. There are no gay men in the rap world. Trust, but verify.
Amber Rose and Kim Kardashian had a clandestine meeting of women who’ve fingered Kanye’s butthole to settle the fight between the two. Amber and Kanye got into a big Twitter war over some bullshit with Wiz Khalifa. I’m sure it was a real meeting of the minds. They even took a selfie to commemorate the occasion. Aw.
It must be hard to talk to someone who once gargled your husband’s man yogurt. (TMZ)
Daisy Lowe wears a pink wig and a see-through dress because it was her birthday. (Last Men On Earth)
Malin Akerman in lingerie? Don’t mind if I do. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Ariel Winter shows off a little bra. (Drunken Stepfather)
These girls want to give you just a peek. (The Chive)
Chloe Grace Moretz makes me think naughty thoughts. (Popoholic)
Bras are for lesser titties (Radass)
As expected, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian gave their latest vagina troll an equally stupid name as North West. They named the future celebutard Saint West, which is stupid because everyone knows that’s a girl’s name.
Read more about the second coming of Yeezus. (TMZ)
Why front, here’s Irina Shayk using her ass to sell lotion. (Last Men On Earth)
Stock your stuffing with some topless Lucy Pinder playing cards. (Egotastic All-Stars)
Bella Thorne wears a wickedly low cut dress. (Drunken Stepfather)
I’d like to fall into these gaps…thigh gaps, that is. (The Chive)
Selena Gomez’s legs make me very happy in the pants. (Hollywood Tuna)
Preggo Chrissy Teigen’s tits are out of control. (Popoholic)
It’s unclear if Kim Kardashian is using her hand to be demure, or to prop up the heavy head of her ass baby. This is the danger in having yes-men running your wardrobe team. You need at least one courageous gay dude to stand up and say, I can see your fucking fetus in that dress. You’re not a Filipina hooker, you’re KimK Super Fucking Star! Blowjobs behind the Henry Moore landscapes. This fancy building doesn’t pay for itself.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Deciphering a Kardashian public relations event takes several layers of investigation, followed by an antibiotic cycle and a six molar bleach bath. According to their press release, Kim Kardashian flew in every single “fan” she follows on social media to her birthday luncheon. She has sixty million followers. She follows about ten of them which kept her bill at the Four Seasons semi-reasonable. The fans came from all around the world with the only similarity being their disassociation with any real emotional connection in their lives.
Several of the ladies interviewed referred to Kim Kardashian as their best friend or explained how deeply they related with her, mutually, naturally. That’s something you learn on the first day of stalker school. The chick who changed her name to Amanda Kardashian to be one of the sisters summed up the psychosis with her heart emojis and her undying gratitude. Which came in handy as each of the ten blue placard brained women were assigned somebody to assassinate who’s been bugging Kim. Like Manchurian Candidates, but with body issues. For her part, Kim wore a prophylactic that covered her entire body, which is more protection than she uses when fucking the city garage guy so she gets free parking at the airport.
The afternoon affair ended and everybody agreed it was the best day of their life and they should all do it again next year. Except for Kim who was paying the bill so it’s never going to happen ever again.
Photo credit: Twitter
The good news, you’re alive. The bad news, you’re still married to Khloe Kardashian and she’s gnawing the dried remains of hooker girl juice off your right thigh. Lamar Odom regained consciousness in his Vegas hospital thanks to the adrenaline needle Kris Jenner plunged into his heart when E! producers chided that the Odom coma shots were super boring. The Kardashian family jetted back and forth between parties and appearances in Los Angeles to the Sunrise Hospital dressed in all black because the Whore Scouts teaches you always be prepared for a live TV eulogy special.
Kim Kardashian credited the power of prayer for bringing Lamar back to the world of the living. Members of the Kardashian family and a bunch of other chicks from their spinoff reality shows hit social media pretty hard with all caps religious shoutouts for the man they call ‘Lammy’. Lamar put on a brave face in his hospital bed and focused hard on the two emotionally damaged girls he spent three days ass fucking at the ranch. Does anybody know if this oxygen mask has a crack smoke setting? I’m going to need a bus schedule back to the ranch.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet