By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 1:22 PM
Kim Kardashian slapped on her Spanx and a support bra and a shit ton of makeup and Corinthian hair extensions took a bike ride in Miami. Some people suggested Kim was homaging Audrey Hepburn in her famous black and white biking photo shoot from back in the day. But Kim was insistent that if anybody was homaging anybody, it was Audrey ripping off her game. Then she announced that her baby daddy would sponge out that Hepburn cunt if she ever showed her face around the Dash store in Miami. When the macaw trainer who first taught Kim to verbalize informed Kim that Audrey Hepburn had been dead for over twenty years, Kim giggled and squealed ‘so sorry’ in a cliche Japanese schoolgirl voice. Then she offered to let any reporter who killed the story finish on her psoriasis blemishes. There are a million fat asses on bikes, only the true pros get paid.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Travis April 11, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Kim Kardashian and her family just returned from a lavish and beautiful vacation in Thailand, and it was so picturesque and perfect that Kim didn’t bother taking her own photos to post on Instagram, because she could just take some from Google and pass them off as her own. But now that she’s back in America, Kim is all business as usual, and that means that instead of being mostly naked on a boat for the sake of “fashion,” she’s squeezing her big old mom tits into tight dresses for the sake of “fashion.” Where was she going with her breasts crammed so tight that the escape of just one could have caused a 5.5 on the Richter scale? I don’t know, but I’m sure her date paid plenty.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian Instagram
By Travis April 03, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
“Whiteface” pioneer Nick Cannon went on the Howard Stern show yesterday to talk about the nonstop shitstorm that he’s been brewing for himself, starting with his idiotic whiteface routine and leading up to his list of famous sexual conquests. Despite being married to Mariah Carey and having children with her, Nick bragged last week that he slept with, among other C-listers, Kim Kardashian, and he thought that was cool because people already knew about them. Still, he ended up admitting that he regretted listing the famous desperate women, but that changed yesterday with Howard Stern, as he used the platform to brag about how awesome his sex life is with Mariah, whom he claims has no clue who Kim Kardashian is. This is all pretty remarkable considering the two things that people don’t really give a shit about is where Nick Cannon puts his dick and his comedy.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex April 01, 2014 @ 2:59 PM
Somebody at E! got a grant from the Thai government to have the Kardashian girls come over and teach all the underaged sex workers how to please foreign men without visible signs of tear. Now more than ever Thailand needs foreign dollars to keep its economy from collapsing. That isn’t coming from Tom Yum soup sales alone. Each of the girls have been doing their part to promote Thailand and their amphetamine diet secrets by posting photos of themselves in bikinis in various resort areas of Thailand where they keep most of the actual icky Asian people away from you. Kim did have a run-in with an elephant she thought her mom hired to make for a cute selfie backdrop but who the animal’s owner assumed was meant for the higher priced sex show trick. The mixup nearly caused an international scandal before Kim agreed to let the elephant mount her for ten Mississippis.
Photo Credit: (elephant: Alexander Goldschmidt on Twitter, bikinis: Kim Kardashian/Instagram)
By Lex March 26, 2014 @ 5:01 PM
I don’t know how you design a dress that is both see-through, and at the same time can secrete forty pounds of excess gunt. Whoever made Kim Kardashian’s dress for the superbly boring Seth Meyer’s show appearance deserves some kind of science award. Maybe one of those they give out at the dinners with all the celebrities but only show you quick cuts from because they’re super fucking boring. I wonder if this same designer can fashion pro hockey jerseys so I can look less like Kevin Smith and more like Sidney Crosby. Fuck you, he’s NHL hot.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet, Splash
By Jack March 26, 2014 @ 12:38 PM
Kim Kardashian revealed to Seth Myers that baby North West pissed all over Kanye West during their infamous Vogue shoot. It seems that the unibrowed womb troll decided to use Kanye’s chest as a diaper while they were taking a family shot on a couch. North is naked in the picture as a very early indicator of how the Kardashian clain raises their girl children to respect the process. I have a new found respect for baby North. I’ve always thought that she was probably going to grow up to be a monster since she is being raised by the two biggest narcissistic assholes on the planet. But maybe she’ll be okay if she already innately understands her dad is s shit can.
(Photo Via Vogue)