By Lex September 02, 2015 @ 9:14 AM
Miley Cyrus is overachieving. Like Rudy, if everybody agreed they would fuck Rudy if nobody else would ever find out. She can’t sing, but she’s a multi-platinum recording artist. She’s not sexy, but she’s become the go-to girl on sexuality. Her tits wouldn’t make first round cuts as minor league hockey ice girl, but she’s using them to make herself the top searched name on Google. There have been inexplicable one hit wonders before, but nothing that ever had this much staying power.
Cyrus stepped up in a bit with Interview magazine where she Facetimed naughty pictures to a photographer and they called it novel. Kim Kardashian heard what was going on and whipped off her top and got into the mix. I’m pretty sure she was not on-contract, she just instinctively knows when this shit is going down. There are more famous chicks involved in this magazine spread, but only Cyrus flashed her titties. She’s throwing off the entire natural order of pretty girls finishing first. Soon, gazelles will be consuming lions and the NBA will be dominated by white guys with Arcade Fire walk-up music. Chaos serves nobody. There have to be a couple open bunks at Guantanamo. I’ll start the Change.org petition.
Photo Credit: Interview Magazine
By Matt August 12, 2015 @ 7:38 AM
Kim Kardashian has been shilling some morning sickness pill in her vapid social media posts, leading the Food and Drug Administration to step in and tell her to stop doing it and also you’re spreading a new strain of syphilis to ISIS. It’s called the Geneva Convention. The posts are apparently in violation because they don’t mention the side effects of the drugs or of listening to Kim’s thoughts:
“I tried changing things about my lifestyle, like my diet, but nothing helped, so I talked to my doctor. He prescribed me #Diclegis, and I felt a lot better and most importantly, it’s been studied and there was no increased risk to the baby.”
When you’ve been mainlining rapper dick into your ass since your friend’s bat mitzvah days not a lot gets passed you. Kardashian’s bloodstream is literally Chiraq. Your average expectant mother might not be as lucky. Diclegis is manufactured by Canadian pharmaceutical company Duchesnay. If you think it’s safe for your child realize its spokeswoman is Kim Kardashian. Are you nauseous from the pregnancy or the Miami Diarrhea? We’ll give you the Magic Johnson special. That jizz is going straight to your glutes.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex August 11, 2015 @ 10:03 AM
Kim Kardashian responded to imaginary critics of her pregnant body by posting naked photos of herself. It’s reflexive. The last time her mechanic told her she needed an oil change, she fucked seven guys at three different Jiffy Lubes. Jaime King cried and threatened to drive her newborn off a cliff. Kris Jenner distributed the nude pregnancy pictures to emirs in Dubai for a tribute contest. In the game of ridiculous whoring, the rules are pretty flimsy.
Photo Credit: Instagram/AKM-GSI
By Matt August 10, 2015 @ 8:30 AM
Kim Kardashian is pregnant with another person whose life expectancy is 37. You can only be a shitty moron once removed. Plus they’re developing new pills. Apparently when you get pregnant your tits get really big and swollen which in no way compensates for your distended gut. Are you craving ice cream because of the hormones or because society has declared you’re allowed to? I’ll say it, you’re taking advantage. Had we not already seen Kim Kardashian getting fucked doggystyle by an aspiring rapper as her gaping asshole pulsed to the amateur background music this might be somewhat revealing. As is you’re more or less trying to sell us a car we’ve already driven. If that metaphor doesn’t make sense realize the fact we know her name doesn’t either. The children are our future. Casualties.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 24, 2015 @ 1:22 PM
Ryan Seacrest hosted a high school graduation party for Kylie Jenner where he pretended he liked girls and Kylie pretended Laurel Springs is a real place. Laurel Springs High School diplomas are the Hollywood equivalent of becoming a Universal Life Church minister so you can marry your buddy to his girlfriend in Laughlin before the baby shows. Only instead of fifteen bucks and a valid email address this one requires twenty grand and a valid email address.
“Laurel Springs gave me a solid education and the flexibility to continue to film my Nickelodeon TV show, “iCarly,” while establishing my recording career. All my coursework was interesting and challenging and the teachers were great. “– Miranda Cosgrove, proud Laurel Springs alum.
At the graduation party, Kylie herself was quick to point out that graduation was not an end to her education, but a stepping stone to a life of learning. Then somebody added ‘… about big black cock’ and everybody had a good laugh and used the Laurel Springs diploma to roll a blunt. Consider the Arthur Ashe Courage Award 2016 already sewn up.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 17, 2015 @ 9:10 AM
Kim Kardashian crawling out of a ditch is a reminder of just how poor serial killers have become at finishing off their truck stop prey. Nobody takes pride in their work anymore. It’s possible the scent of money brought her back from the great whore beyond. It’s like watching our primordial ancestors first take to land. In six months this will be Bruce exiting the same ditch in similar wardrobe. That dent in my head is where I got hit with my own courage award. No, I’m not pressing charges. I’ve never cum so hard in my life.
Photo Credit: System Magazine