Kim Kardashian Assplay Cinema

By Lex October 20, 2014 @ 12:10 PM

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Sometimes you just want to take your best gal to a weekend matinee. Maybe grandma. Or the nieces and nephews. You don’t want to have to explain to a bunch of high fructose corn syrup jacked up grade schoolers where Kim Kardashian ass babies come from. Do you need to go backless at the mall theater? This isn’t the seventh grade pool party where you’re showing off your newly growing girl body. You’re inflated to maximum capacity. You’ve got to wrap that dramatically warped flesh frame in some kind of prairie frock before boys at the mall start experiencing the overwhelming desire to slap their girlfriend on the ass and start calling her bitch.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Kimye Action Figures And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 07, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Kanye West And Kim Kardashian have made dolls of themselves for North West to play with. You have to wonder if the Kanye doll is a ‘Betsy Wetsy’ type that can pee in Kim’s mouth. You know, realistic play is important.

I think I’m going to make me some Kimye voodoo dolls. (TMZ)

Surprisingly, years of ass to mouth didn’t turn Sasha Grey into a feminist. (Huffington Post)

Helen Flanagan has some big ‘ol titty balls. (Drunken Stepfather)

Caitlin O’Connor wears her bikinis at night. (Hollywood Tuna)

Angela Ruiz in lingerie is muy sexy, mang. (Popoholic)

Angelique “Frenchy” Morgan brings her own flotation devices to Malibu. (The Superficial)

Drake is harassing strippers for talking about how small his dick is. (Dlisted)

(Photo Via The Huffington Post)

Kim Kardahian, Not Without My Baby!

By Lex October 06, 2014 @ 9:46 AM

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I’ve often forgotten I have a girlfriend when I’m traveling abroad. Usually intentionally. What happens in a Romanian whorehouse not only stays there, for an extra twenty dollars American you can have everybody who might betray your silence drowned in a chemically tainted lake. Kim Kardashian’s laughing off suggestions she temporarily forgot baby North in a Parisian hotel when checking out after Fashion Week. I’m not sure which of Kim’s wide array of fake laughs she employs to blow off suggestions she forgot her bastard child, but probably Minor Chuckle #17, her go to for allegations of abortions, affairs, and forgetting an oversized syringe sticking out of her left ass cheek after leaving the ‘flower shop’.

Do u guys really think a 1 year old would be inside the lobby by herself. Oh wait she was waiting to check out lol. -- Kim tweeted to retort such a silly notion

Lol indeed, my little pumpkin head. It is rather preposterous to think Kim would forget her child given how that is the goose that shits out the golden eggs. That kid is worth more than her engagement ring. More than the Aflac policy on her ass. And many multiples more than she sold her virginity for before she was famous. You don’t just leave that behind in a foreign hotel like you might Khloe after you tricked her into believing the rooftop pool was filled with Skittles while you all dashed for the airport.

Photo credit: PCN Photos

North West Could Use Some Fake Tits

By Lex September 29, 2014 @ 10:32 AM

Kim Kardashian and Daughter North West Wear Matching Lace Outfits While In Paris
Update: Just to be clear, between attorneys for black Jesus, my own counsel the ghost of Justice Brandeis, and one very pissed-off toddler, I’d like to clearly state that nothing in this post should imply, indicate, or infer that I honestly believe a young child should have breast augmentation surgery or engage in any types of illicit carnal transactions. There’s time for everything in life. For this beautiful child, it’s a time of great innocence and wonder. I wish her nothing but the best on her journey to that place I’m pretty sure we all know she’s headed, though couldn’t possibly state with any legal certainty.

If this little Kardashian thinks having her ears pierced and clubbing at midnight cuts the family standards, she’s in for a rude awakening. You can’t have one cheap mannequin flashing her oversized cans in the City of Light while her arm accessory looks ready to cry and isn’t filling out her whore suit. If you’re walking, you’re earning. That’s the Kardashian motto. Along with something in Latin that translates roughly to cock in trachea, ten denarius not including tip.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash

Kim Kardashian Attacked, Booed, and Pretty Shoddily Raised

By Lex September 26, 2014 @ 1:50 PM

Kim Kardashian No Bra With Open Jacket While Walking In Paris
According to the Kardashian fueled celebrity press machine, Kim Kardashian was nearly struck down in Paris by COBRA hellbent on thwarting her social progress for women and the poor and rappers with big cocks who can’t afford to live in Los Angeles. Think of her as an Indira Ghandi or Golda Meir, if those ladies had chosen not to wear bras to get more attention. In reality, Kim was merely the latest victim of that Speedo wearing Ukranian paparazzi who likes to lick the nads of celebrities and for some reason hasn’t yet been packed into a bag and thrown into a river. Once the heat from the Kim as Christ framing wears off, she’ll start mentioning how she and Brad Pitt and Will Smith all have the same stalker.

The entire inane fashion show was held up forty minutes for Kim and Kanye who were running late because they chick who waxes their nipples in Paris got stuck on her moped in a traffic circle. When Kim entered the show, she got roundly booed by the French fashion photographers who were put out from the wait. Also, since they’re French, they hate everybody. Kanye went over to the booing photographers to tell them the harrowing tale nobody believes of his father also being a paparazzi, but none of them spoke English or gave a shit so Kanye just ordered his bodyguards to punch them in their coifs. He’s becoming more legally savvy as he journeys through life.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Kim Gets Tackled And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 25, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

A Ukrainian douche named Vitalii Sediuk who likes to fuck with celebrities tackled Kim Kardashian at Paris fashion week. This is the same dude that tried to kiss Brad Pitt and Will Smith and got punched in the face. Kim tried to turn it into her own JFK grassy knoll moment because her response to everything is to juice her publicity.

See Kim’s harrowing journey to the ground. (Huffington Post)

This is South African model Derryn Lester and these are her naked tits. (Drunken Stepfather)

Chelsea Heath is topless, unfortunately covered topless, but still. (Hollywood Tuna)

Bear Grylls proposed with a ring he had up his ass. Smells like love. (The Superficial)

Lindsay Lohan’s Broadway debut went as well as you’d expect. (Dlisted)

Charlotte McKinney smashes a kid’s head in her tits on Tosh.0. Lucky fuck. (COED)

Shiny stormtrooper helmet gets leaked from Star Wars set. (Movie Pilot)