By Lex September 17, 2014 @ 9:58 AM
According to the celebrity asslinguists at HollywoodLife, Kim Kardashian is over the haters who called her Shamu the last time she got pregnant and all her previously imprisoned fat cells multiplied at rates that made even Ebola jealous. Kim’s now ready to have a legitimate baby. A little nugget to add to her collection of future exploited child stars and aborted fetuses Kris buried in the pet cemetery next to the gun Khloe consumed en masse after her marital breakup. You can see Kim here leaving the doctors office in those stretch pants Lululemon recalled because they were too sheer for fat women.
The thought of more Kardashian babies appeals to me as much as the Israelis feel knowing the Palestinians are reproducing at two to three times their rate. At some point, the bad people are forming a human ladder and coming over any wall we build. I have a nightmare about dozens of new Kardashians fucking around in Range Rovers and calling out haters on the Internet with poorly worded inspirational phrases. Maybe military technology will someday invent a neutron bomb that leaves Calabasas intact and only wipes out the assholes. Or it could wipe out the city as well, a small price to pay for the genetic cleansing.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Jack September 04, 2014 @ 10:35 AM
With all the hoopla over the celebrity nude photo leak, one has to wonder, why the fuck did nobody care the many times before celebrity photos and sex videos got shat out across the Internet? I’d say it’s because people see Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton as lovable sweethearts, while Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, more like the girls Vegas conventioneers pay to see how far she can take a cucumber in her twat.
Read all about America’s nude pic hypocrisy. (Huffington Post)
Joan Rivers isn’t dead yet. You can’t kill the undead. (Dlisted)
I hate Lea Michele’s scrunchy faces but I do enjoy her ass. (Popoholic)
Let’s enjoy these totally grown-up pics of Mckayla Maroney in a swimsuit. (Hollywood Tuna)
Daisy Lowe has some big ‘ol titty balls. (The Superficial)
I never get tired of looking at Emilt Ratajkowski in skimpy underwear. (COED)
Anastasia Ashley, a surfboard, and a tiny swimsuit. Yes. (Drunken Stepfather)
By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 3:11 PM
Some trumped out outrage is going around the Internet because the Kardashian whorelings were using their cellphones when Common asked for a moment of silence for Ferguson during the VMAs because as a black celebrity, he simply had no choice. While it’s easy to focus on a picture of the back-brothel skank disrespecting a moment of silence, perhaps one could remember that the Kardashians donate almost ten percent of a their Ebay discarded clothing sales to a charity nobody has ever vetted. Khloe and Lamar spent several years raising money for a stomach cancer charity that helped pay Lamar’s friend to build a basketball court. The matriarch of the family was having interracial sex outside her marriage before that was even considered cool. You tell me who has done more for the black man — Common or The Kardashians? If the answer comes from the voluminous subset of those who’ve been blown by a Kardashian, I can give you your answer.
For the record, moments of silences can be called for by anybody. It doesn’t make them sacrosanct. Kylie should’ve called for a moment of silence so she could text Jaden Smith and asks him if he knows what the fuck a Ferguson is.
Photo credit: Tabir Akhter / Twitter
By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 6:30 AM
I don’t know what the hell happened at most of this year’s VMA Awards. I fell asleep when Beyonce was singing something really loud and woke up two hours later and she was still fucking singing. Then she had a staged kiss with Jay Z and slapped him when she saw he was holding a baby she didn’t remember having. The show opened strong when everybody got to pretend that Nicki Minaj’s wardrobe malfunction wasn’t setup or wonder why she was the only one of three singers outfitted with a hands-free microphone so her hands could hold her dress front together. Minor complains compared to the horrible shit for music teenage girls like these days. You know, as opposed to past generations when teenage girls had awesome taste in music.
The true highlight of the evening came when Miley Cyrus won some Nobel award for Wrecking Ball and sent up a dude in her stead to give a speech about homeless young people in America. Miley sobbed in the audience as the former street teen from Oregon handsome enough to have been molested by Gus Van Sant during casting calls for My Own Private Idaho spoke about a charity Miley had set up on her Facebook page to help unsheltered young persons. Miley just met the guy on Tuesday. I guess they bonded super quick. Since she’s promoting a charity it’d be wrong to suggest Miley used him to wipe the slate clean from a year again when she ass ground Robin Thicke’s cock out of his marriage. MTV is really not ideal viewing for people who ask follow up questions.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Getty, Splash
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 9:24 AM
Technically, since her staff of eleven was involved in the shot, it’s less of a selfie and more of a heavily staged ass sculpture. But if this is any indication of the quality of the photos in Kim Kardashian’s selfies coffee table book, expect men masturbating in the reading areas of the Barnes and Noble to rise significantly. There’s nothing finer than a short woman with an enormously fat injected ass who’s taking a piece of the action in the nation’s hottest selling app for non-gifted girls 12-17.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian/Instgram
By Lex August 13, 2014 @ 11:41 AM
Kim Kardashian’s book of selfies is set to rock the publishing world just in time for Christmas. If that Pulitzer prize nominated fucker isn’t peeking out of my stocking on the morning of December 25, I’m going to curb stomp Santa and make his reindeer watch. You could skip the book and just look at Kim’s social media accounts for her maggot harvest of staged candid portraits, but Kim wouldn’t be the top money whore in the Kardashian clan if she didn’t already have that covered:
Selfies are so fun. I have accumulated so many selfies over the years that no one’s seen… there’s even a section of all the selfies I sent Kanye over the years, really racy ones. He kept them, and they might make the book.
Actually, selfies are the duck faced portraits you post to social media so your five best sycophantic friends can write, ‘Only you LOL SMH’. Taking pictures of yourself stuffing Kanye’s certified platinum Late Registration album in and out of your fetid crotch isn’t a selfie, it’s a sex pic. I get that selfies are so fun. Especially when reading and writing and completing simple number patterns are off the table. But if you’re not publishing the Van Nuys donkey show pics, who’s buying a compilation of your already digitally free visual tributes to yourself? That’s rhetorical. I know the literal answer is total fucking losers.
Photo Credit: Kim Kardashian/Instagram