Khloe and Lamar Made a Sex Tape

By Lex January 19, 2016 @ 7:11 AM

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Khloe Kardashian continues to pick over the carcass of her brain damaged husband for any last morsel of media attention. It’s like watching a vulture with a high priced publicity team. Kardashian is making the rounds of New York media promoting her upcoming talk show Kocktails with Khloe where she consumes a whole live pig left for her by the natives while giggling at prepared jokes from her remarkably gay male guests.

Kardashian’s maturation was stunted long before her head went through the windshield and stopped the clock forever. She finds it hard to relate to adults so in a pinch she lifts her dress and bends over a couch and thinks about marmalade. For media appearances she repeats a salacious story her mom made her memorize in the car. Kardashian shocked Andy Cohen with news that she and Lamar had made a sex tape. The film is locked in a safe next to the empty spot where Kim’s sex tape sat until Kris Jenner completed negotiations with Vivid. Everybody cheered and applauded and Andy Cohen mused to himself how Joe Biden’s dick would taste in his mouth and smiled insanely.

In my day, unattractive women knew better than to talk about their sexual encounters. It’s like a homeless guy Yelping his restaurant review of the dumpster. Lamar can’t speak so there’s nobody to stop this 200 lb twelve year old with the snorts. Somebody get Odom a chalkboard. Let’s see what you wrote here. Kill Lammy. Why are you handing me a pillow?

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Khloe Kardashian Infected

By Lex November 19, 2015 @ 7:22 AM

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Khloe Kardashian got staph infection at Lamar’s bedside according to TMZ sources which still smell like Kris Jenner’s anal rim eau de toilette. The breathless announcement has nothing to do with Charlie Sheen confessing he has the pre-AIDS and winning every gossip headline. Khloe’s deadly diagnosis should serve as a reminder how selfless the Big One has been while nursing Lamar through his bout with hooker coma. Also that her book, Eat Like a Cow, Act Like a Lady, is still for sales wherever dumb people buy books. Press conferences to commence at 2pm and 7pm, followed by Khloe reading a chapter from her book through an endotracheal tube for no medical reason. See you on the other side, Khloe. The salad bar stations in heaven are all chocolate pudding.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Khloe and Lamar Call Off Divorce

By Lex October 21, 2015 @ 11:30 AM

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In a twist completely unexpected by the encephalitic and very poor prognosticators of dingy tawdry family drama, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have called off their divorce. TMZ got a copy of the judicial request signed by Khloe and counter signed by Lamar with something approximating an emoji smiley face to quash their previous divorce filings. It’s almost like God knew these two needed to be together so he sent Lamar on a four year crack and whore bender that ultimately led to him stroking out to a couple of low rent sex workers in the Nevada desert thereby bringing Khloe back into his life. Talk about your mysterious ways. Love really is the strongest power in the universe. Especially when one of the two parties has been disabled by renal failure and a brain hemorrhage. Somebody keep their eyes on that tall dark drink of water. The allure of the pipe is strongest when a fat chick is riding your cock and sobbing out the word ‘Lammy’.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Hookers Are Unpredictable Little Scamps

By Lex October 20, 2015 @ 10:01 AM

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The two hookers who serviced Lamar Odom at the Love Ranch up to and through his first few strokes sold pictures of Lamar in his brothel bed to the DailyMail, purveyors of all things tawdry but not particularly shocking. According to Dennis Hof, the owner of the Love Ranch, the chicks he 1099′s to pump and grind dudes with decent credit are forbidden from recording any part of their intimate romantic journeys. The punishment is one paddle spanking and loss of douche privileges. All that DailyMail cash will make your yeasty twat itch just a little less.

The shocking photos are merely Odom post-volume-coital sleeping underneath a blanket the FDA warns is certain to give you forever cooties. The DailyMail points out the nightstand contains Hof’s pook on pimping, body oils, candles, and a dildo. Family Feud that under things you’d expect to find on a whorehouse nightstand. How can hookers take pictures during a 72-hour sex bender and capture no sex? Now I finally know what Lamar Odom looks like asleep. Do you have any Olden Polynice’s fishing?

Photo credit: Instagram

Lamar Odom Fucked Himself Critical

By Lex October 14, 2015 @ 6:32 AM

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Cowboys want to die with their boots on. Soldiers, in battle. Dudes who used to be married to Kardashians can only pray the hookers hide the narcotics before the EMTs arrive. Lamar Odom is closing in on being another notch on the reality show death list after being found unconscious and smothered in his own vomit after several days of drugs and perma-fucking at the Love Ranch in Nevada.

Whatever desire Lamar Odom had to live to see his various bastard children grow up was stripped away when he started plowing the fat Kardashian sister and agreed to be a part of the reality TV ruse. It’s been a steady descent toward motel room death for Odom ever since. Is it Khloe’s shrill voice and bologna scented vagina that he can’t get out of his head? Kris Jenner’s boozy come-ons and con job charities he’s trying to forget? Odom was once a super talented young number four overall pick into the NBA. Now he’s a mindless vessel filled with herbal viagra, crack, and gin. Upload the melancholy bumper music and book the key advertisers for the E! special. Wait until you see Caitlin in something fetching crying over his comatose body. He was going to die either way. Why not make some money for an unnamed charity.

Lamar Odom Sounds Fucking Crazy

By Matt August 20, 2015 @ 7:28 AM

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Lamar Odom is about two steps away from burning an effigy on Khloe Kardashian’s lawn before cutting himself and being led away in a straightjacket with bad poetry falling out of his pockets. The conflict the two had in the parking lot of Khloe’s gym where she stores her dried meats in a locker appears to be set up at the hands of Khloe or Lamar or both. Khloe has begun taking dick from a homeless dirty needle user, the NBA’s James Harden, yet Lamar isn’t ready to move on:

“She’s [my] soul mate. I can’t control it. We’ll never part. I would never consider myself serious with another woman. To sum it up, if a man is attempting to court Khloe, he’s probably wasting his time.”

Maybe wasting his time buying her a drink before immediately railing her in a rented Humvee. Dog, it looks like you two are broken up. A clear indication is that this is on the record, yet circumstantially, she’s fucking other dudes and you’re in the midst of a nervous breakdown which isn’t sexy and comes off as pathetic and therefore won’t work. This is where you move on because you’re not R Kelly and are probably not even gay. Go fuck a stripper. You’ll feel worse but it passes the time.

Photo Credit: Instagram