Lamar Odom Sounds Fucking Crazy

By Matt August 20, 2015 @ 7:28 AM

LamarandKhloe

Lamar Odom is about two steps away from burning an effigy on Khloe Kardashian’s lawn before cutting himself and being led away in a straightjacket with bad poetry falling out of his pockets. The conflict the two had in the parking lot of Khloe’s gym where she stores her dried meats in a locker appears to be set up at the hands of Khloe or Lamar or both. Khloe has begun taking dick from a homeless dirty needle user, the NBA’s James Harden, yet Lamar isn’t ready to move on:

“She’s [my] soul mate. I can’t control it. We’ll never part. I would never consider myself serious with another woman. To sum it up, if a man is attempting to court Khloe, he’s probably wasting his time.”

Maybe wasting his time buying her a drink before immediately railing her in a rented Humvee. Dog, it looks like you two are broken up. A clear indication is that this is on the record, yet circumstantially, she’s fucking other dudes and you’re in the midst of a nervous breakdown which isn’t sexy and comes off as pathetic and therefore won’t work. This is where you move on because you’re not R Kelly and are probably not even gay. Go fuck a stripper. You’ll feel worse but it passes the time.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Lamar Odom Bamboozled

By Matt August 14, 2015 @ 7:38 AM

Lamar

Lamar Odom made a pretty good case that the reports he ambushed Khloe Kardashian at her gym were total bullshit orchestrated by Khloe and her gang of muted ass displayers. Odom is apparently one of the few people still shocked by such developments and watches TMZ like it’s a hard hitting JonBenet 20/20. According to Odom, he wouldn’t have showed up randomly at the gym and someone had to have given him the address:

“I live in Las Vegas, did I just guess right, where this girl may be? So how would you think I ended up there… The dog has to bite back, y’all beat me down, degrated me… I probably couldn’t even get fucking hired right now by Home Depot… If it happens again, I’m airing everything out.”

Given those we’ve already seen most of this family’s buttholes I’m not sure what kind of shocking details you could reveal. It’s all fake and Kanye has a boyfriend named Jax? Kim Kardashian got AIDS from Magic Johnson at an after hours Chuck E Cheese while the group played Pin the Bloody Knife on the Hobo? Caitlyn Jenner is actually Robert Durst? I’m not a gambling man but cut your ties. Move out of Vegas.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Lamar Odom Gets Creepy

By Matt August 13, 2015 @ 8:17 AM

Khloe

Lamar Odom reportedly showed up unannounced at Khloe Kardashian’s gym where she eats and apparently there was a scuffle and she left. If this sounds phony it probably is and there were most likely cameras involved. Lamar needs the money, although reports say he was screaming at her and there’s no way he’s that good of an actor. Perhaps producers are simply aware he sleeps in the parking lot. Odom and Khloe finalized their divorce papers. It’s assumed she’ll keep the farm. And eat all the animals. Your sister is pregnant and you need some attention. There’s no reason to play on the domestic violence angle. You two behemoths having sex was worthy of Pay per View action from the Butterbean era. The Japanese lost valuable entertainment. Love hurts. Seriously you’re crushing me, turn around.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Lamar Odom’s Buddy Got Flesh Eating Bacteria

By Matt June 19, 2015 @ 6:38 AM

Drugs

Lamar Odom’s drug pusher and occasional Keeping Up With The Kardashians day player Jamie Sangouthai died of a flesh eating bacteria, not of a drug overdose as was initially reported. The bacteria is typically caused by using dirty needles although he might have just sat on Odom’s couch and not used a coaster. Sangouthai was also good friends with Khloe Kardashian, who experts predict will also expire from gangrene if her hulk strength doesn’t make her immune. Sangouthai was battling some drug charges at the time of his death, which could explain why he wasn’t invited on set anymore. We don’t need that kind of heat bro. We got a new dealer and made up a fake job title already. Hat Consultant. Bill the network. I’m not a social worker, but maybe don’t use needles. Try Wild Turkey or a little blow. Failing that, clean needles. They seem to be readily available. Try the junior high school there’s a big bowl of them on the counter in the office. The one you found in the garbage disposal isn’t quality. Did Lil’ Wayne leave that in here? He seems fine. Of all the drugs I had to pick the AIDSy one.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Kardashian Franchise Falling Prey To Natural Selection

By Matt June 16, 2015 @ 8:01 AM

Douche

Lamar Odom’s best friend and frequent Khloe and Lamar reality show visitor Jamie Sangouthai died of a heroin overdose. It’s unclear how they became friends or how much money he borrowed from him. Sangouthai was in Odom and Khloe Kardashian’s wedding and the pair had a strong friendship because when someone sells you drugs the rule is you have to listen to them talk for a while. You’d totally hang with that guy if he wasn’t a supplier. I just changed my phone number because of the telemarketers trying to unload their second rate crack on me without while not discussing their father. Sangouthai has now moved onto heaven where virgins and heroin is readily available. When will it stop? Presumably when you get a real job. He’ll be remembered. Poorly. 

Photo Credit: PopCandyTV/Youtube 

Lamar And Khloe Seem Ready to Forgive

By Matt May 27, 2015 @ 6:36 AM

LAMA

Lamar Odom appears to be over his smoking crack off the pocked marked asses of Thai hookers in motels phase. His rogue status may have cost him his NBA career, his house, and three nice sports cars, but he may be getting back his wife and bodyguard, Khloe Kardashian. The pair were headed for a divorce but the proceedings stalled due to a “lack of action” which is a legal term for Odom not being able to retain a lawyer willing to be paid in autographed Clippers jerseys. One of TMZ’s future cult casualty photographers caught up with Odom while entering a club which most certainly requires pat downs and Odom said Khloe is “still my girl.” There’s nothing more melancholy than a man headed into an establishment to find some anonymous pussy lamenting the large girl he let slip way. Khloe herself has made hints of getting back with Lamar again someday should he ever clean up his drug act and quit screaming out ‘whole hog!’ during sex. The reconciliation now must be left up to Fate, with final approval from E! TV producers who ultimately decide who everyone fucks or kills on the show.

Photo Credit: Instagram